A little girl stares out a window, not a closed window, but one that's completely open. A window from which she can feel the warmth outside caressing her face, a window from which she can see the other kids playing outside. A girl who secretly yearns to join those outside but remains inside the walls she built around herself. When the kids draw closer to her window, she keeps the distance by moving backwards, step by step. She doesn't want to go through that pain again. The pain of having everyone staring at her, pointing fingers, calling her Crazy Alice or Little Loony Liddell. She wasn't crazy; it wasn't a dream. It was too real to have been a dream, afterall, she had found some of pieces of the mushrooms in her pockets. Even though they did not work in her world, it was a bit of a comfort to know that she hadn't made it all up. But how long could she live like this? For how long would she be afraid of making progress, afraid of that she might forget her beloved Wonderland? No, she couldn't live like this forever, she mustered up the courage, 'I won't ever forget you my dear friends'. Starting then on, she began to laugh and smile with those people outside the window, but kept the wall between them as a precaution. Even as she laughed and talked, she remained guarded, still unwilling to let them in any further than their spot outside the window.
Dear Hatter,
Do you know what it feels like? To feel like you need to keep an act in front of everyone? At first, you don't really notice it, the way you start to lie, little by little, changing it so that the person you're talking to doesn't feel that anything's wrong. Then slowly, the guilt begins to fade, the guilt from lying to those around you. Then suddenly, it just feels more comfortable to be that person you made up around those people rather than who you really are. Rather than saying something honestly and truthfully, you begin to filter everything you say, getting rid of anything that doesn't fit your façade. Its suddenly easier, to tell people you're okay when you're not, that you're happy when you just feel yourself wanting to break down, until one day, you realize that you can no longer be truly honest with people. Every time you laugh, it feels so fake and forced. When you're talking to someone, you feel exhausted from trying to keep that smile on your face. By that point, you realize that no matter what you do now, its too late, too late to try to be honest with yourself, too late to correct all the lies. It's far too late for me now, afterall, how can I change myself again after I've changed so much? How can I go back to the Alice I was when I first fell down the rabbit hole? Oh Hatter, I miss you all so much, I wish I could go back to Wonderland.
Sincerely,
Alice
Dear Hatter,
Oh Hatter, I thought I could do it, I thought I could last. But I'm falling, and falling, into a pit of despair. Oh no, that's too typical. No, I'm not falling further and further down like I did down the rabbit hole; I'm not being pulled down into that pit of despair. Instead, I'm falling, falling apart. I can feel myself starting slip, slowly but surely. The front which I put up, always smiling, and happy, the Alice Liddell that doesn't seem to have a care in the world, is starting to fall apart. The small holes which had slowly mended after each and every breakdown, began to grow larger before it could be fixed. Reopening the holes, which had once been stitched back together, again and again. The holes that had ripped before I had even realized, ripped apart my once perfect façade. But now, I'm working, working to fix them again, working so that I never have to become so vulnerable again. Slowly and surely, mending them all over again, but for how long can I last? Will I be able to stay this way without meeting you ever again?
Sincerely,
Alice
My Dear Hatter,
I can't sleep. There is this feeling, this thought that haunts me in my sleep. This thought that just lays, lurking in the back of my mind. The thought begins to creep up on me once in a while. It just stays in that corner where I can't reach it no matter how much I try. It keeps me from falling asleep, forcing me to just lie on my bed, just waiting for sleep to finally come and take me. Even in my dreams, I continue to chase after it, running and running after an unattainable thought.
I think it's much like my Wonderland, Hatter. I wish I could just run back to it. Running and running and running. I wish I could find another way to Wonderland, the rabbit hole has disappeared after I came back. I wonder if I could find a new one.
Love,
Alice
Hatter !
I think I found it, I think I found a way for me to go back to you all. I can't believe I found it after all this time. Please wait for me Hatter, it won't be long now.
See you soon,
Alice