Wrong

Chapter 2

"Hey, Crona…"

I look up from my book to meet Maka's eye. She's sat across from me at the dinner table, looking at me. She has a worried look on her face. That scares me a little. Maka doesn't normally have a worried look on her face, not when she looks at me anyway. I mean, she used to, back when we first met…even after I stopped killing things. But it's nearly a year since I last saw that look on her face…and that was before she kissed me for the first time.

I mark my page in my book and close it, pushing it away from me. If Maka has that kind of look on her face then it must be something very important. She reaches over the table and takes my hand. That means she's going to say something she thinks I won't like. When she has that look on her face and she wants to hold my hand it's because she thinks I'm going to get upset. When she first started being my girlfriend and wanted to hold my hand more I was worried at first because she'd only ever held it before that when she had something bad to say to me.

"Crona, you are happy with how we are, aren't you?" Maka asks, biting her lip a little. When she bites her lip like that it makes me want to kiss her, but I think she'd get mad if I kissed her now. Instead I nod. Of course I'm happy with how we are now. I'm happier now then I've ever been before in my life. Maka is the nicest, most wonderful person I know. I spent years dreaming about being like this with Maka and not even knowing what it was I wanted, really. Then Maka kissed me and I discovered an entire other way to be and it's just me and Maka and it's the best thing ever. Some days I smile all day just because I know that this is mine.

"It's just…I was just wondering…I wanted to know if there was something wrong. I mean, like, with sex."

Maka has gone red. I think it's cute, but I don't pay too much attention to it, my mind is working hard on the other part. Something wrong with sex? Of course, we haven't had it…sex. I…I can't. Not...not someone like me. For someone like me, just being near Maka is enough. If I let her see me, if I let her know…

Laughing…

"I…I'm not sure what…" I stutter, feeling my face get hot. Maka's hands tighten around mine but I can't look at her eyes now. Of course, Maka doesn't understand. Maka tries really hard to understand but, well, she doesn't understand. Not really. How can she, I could never tell her or she'd hate me.

"I, I'd like to have sex…" Maka says, her voice becoming stronger as she speaks. I guess this is something she's thought about a lot. "I mean, I want to have sex with you, Crona. I know it's hard for you, and if you don't want to have sex with me, I mean…I can wait. I love Crona, I don't want to rush you, but if there's something wrong, some …"

"There's no problem!" I exclaim, cutting into the sentence. I can't let Maka start speculating. "I mean, I…I do want to have sex with Maka," I admit, blushing. It seems dirty to say it, perverted. To think about touching Maka like that with a body like mine.

"Are you sure you want to?" she asks, gently. I look up, meeting her eye and trying to seem determined and I nod. It's important that Maka doesn't think I don't want to have sex with her. It's important that Maka knows how beautiful and special she is, that she knows it all the time. Of course I want to have sex with someone as special as Maka…

But I can't. Not like this.

"So…maybe…maybe it'd be easier if, well, soon it'll be one year since we started being together. I was thinking, if we did it that night, then it'd be really special. What do you think, Crona?"

"It does sound lovely," I admit, nodding. She smiles, taking this as agreement with her plan, then lets out a deep breath, relaxing. I wish I could relax, I'm so tense. What am I going to do? I…I can't have sex with Maka. Not like this. But now…now there's a date. And, and it does sound good. I want, I want our anniversary to be special. I want to be able to hold and kiss Maka and to make her realise how special she is to me.

I can't…I can't let her down.

That means, that means I've got to make a choice.

~*~*~*~

"Oh, Crona, come in!"

I slide around the door, shutting it behind me quickly and letting out a breath I didn't realise I'd been holding. Nobody saw me, good. I was important that nobody knew. It seems, now, that every time someone sees me they decide to tell Maka about it. I don't normally mind but it makes it hard to know how to cope with hiding something from Maka.

The person in the room is looking at me and I blush. I like Dr. Steward, if there was anyone else I could talk to about this other than her I probably would, but she's the only one who can help. After all, she's the only person in Shibusen who knows. I could never show something like this to Dr. Stein so I had to find another doctor, but Dr. Steward has always been so nice about it, even offering to fix it for me.

I slide further into the room, clutching at my clothes as I do. I don't know how to cope with this. It's so strange, I'm scared. Dr. Steward smiles and gestures to a chair across the table from her. I drop into it quickly, relieved to be sat down.

But now I have to tell the Dr why I'm here.

I don't know how to cope with talking about this.

"Crona, it's good to see you again. How are you coping with things?" she asks softly, leaning forward a little. I shift back a little, worried. I wish she'd look away, I hate when people stare at me...but I know it's necessary. She is a doctor, after all.

"I...it's ok..." I mumble, looking down at my hands. Most things are fine...it is just this one little thing. She's quiet for a few minutes, I know she expects me to say what's wrong but I can't. It's too embarrassing, I don't know how to cope.

"Crona," she says, softly. "Is there something wrong? Something I can help you with?"

"Yes," I say quickly, clenching my hands and squeezing my eyes shut. Maybe if I concentrate hard enough I can force the words out, but that doesn't seem to be working. Suddenly there's a familiar ripple on my back and I throw my arms up but it's too late.

"Crona wants to fuck Maka!" Ragnarok cries, grinning like an idiot. I try to hit him but it's hard because I'm trying to hide my face at the same time, it feels like I'm on fire so I must be bright red.

"That's not it," I cry, trying to fend of Ragnarok who is trying to grab at my face.

"It is too!" he cries, grabbing at me. "You want to screw her into next week! You want to stick it in her and..."

"Hey," I scream, grabbing his face to get him to shut up. It's bad enough that I have feelings like that, I don't need Ragnarok shouting about them to everyone who'll listen. I don't know how to cope with Ragnarok shouting things like that. He was so loud, surely everyone heard...soon everyone will know...

But Dr. Steward is smiling at me, that has to be good, right. I mean, maybe it means she understands so I won't have to explain any more...

"Crona," she says, softly. "You do know that having those kinds of feelings are normal, don't you? There's nothing to be ashamed of..."

"But..." I mumble, blushing. I know Ragnarok is grinning, he loves to see me upset like this. "I mean, I know it's normal for normal people...but with a body like mine. It can't be ok, not like this. I need...I need to fix it. For Maka..."

Dr. Steward looks at me, I think that expression is shocked. Of course, I expected that. Back when I first saw her and she found out about me she offered to look into surgery to fix it...but I didn't know how to cope with it back then. I mean, don't get me wrong, I hate being like this. It makes people laugh at me and make fun of me, how could I like it? But...I didn't know how to cope with changing it. I mean, this is the only way I know how to be. But, maybe, I can learn to be a different way now.

For Maka.

"Are you sure about that, Crona," she says, softly. "You seemed to against it before and, well, it won't be easy or quick. To start with, you'd have to decide what gender you want to be, which won't be easy, I guess. Then you'll have to discuss the surgery, I certainly wouldn't be happy to do this without a cool down period, maybe even a few months. Then there's the surgery itself. It will probably leave scars...and you'll have lost a bit of yourself, Crona. Is that really ok?"

"You said you'd help me," I mumble, hugging myself. When I'd first come in here, way back now, Dr. Steward had seemed happy to fix me, now it's going to be hard.

"Crona, last time you came in here I didn't know you. I was worried that being like you are was causing you unnecessary stress, but I don't believe it is any more. I think you only want to change because you think Maka will like you more if you do, and I think you're wrong. Crona, please, will you at least talk to her about this first?"

She wants me to talk to Maka about this? Doesn't she understand that not having to talk to Maka about this is the main point of coming to talk to her? Or maybe she does understand and she hates me and wants to make me suffer? There's no way Maka could like a person like me...

But, there is something I didn't think of. Does Maka think I'm a boy or a girl? I have to get it right, if this is going to work. It's not like I can just ask, is it? I don't know how to cope with any of this!

"I need to go," I say, standing up quickly. I don't know how to cope with this right now, the best thing to do is go away and hope that everything goes away. I don't know. I can't cope with this! I can't! I need...I need to think. Or something. I'm not even sure what I need any more! I just...I just want Maka! But...but I don't want Maka. I don't want to have to show her, then I'll lose her. But...but I might lose her anyway. I can't just hide from her forever I need...I need...

I don't know how to cope with this. Not even a little bit.

~*~*~*~

"Crona! Crona, what's wrong?"

Hands on my arms, someone's shaking me. I don't want to deal with this. I don't know how to deal with this. I screw my eyes shut more tightly. I'm sat here in Mr. Corner with Mr. Pillow. It's been a long time since I had to spend time with Mr. Corner and Mr. Pillow, but they're still my friends.

"Come on Crona, open your eyes. What's wrong, Crona?"

Maka. Why won't she go away? Doesn't she understand that I can't look at her right now because everything's wrong? I thought if I just went to the doctor when I was ready then I could be a normal person so she would love me, but now it's going to be a lot harder than that. How can I look her in the eye when I know I can't fix myself for her?

"Please, Crona. You're scaring me! Please open your eyes!"

I crack my eyes open a little. Maka is looking at me, her eyes wide. I know that face, it's the face that means she's scared for me, or about me. Or of me. Just scared, really. Or worried. I guess it has been a long time since I last spoke to Mr. Corner and Mr. Pillow, and Maka never did understand how nice it was to talk to them.

"I'm ok," I mumble, and I reach out to pat Maka's hand. Maka's shaking her head thought and I know she doesn't believe me. "I'm sorry," I mumble, "I...I can't do what I wanted to. Sorry, Maka. I'm not sure I can talk about this with you..."

"What's happened?" She moves to sit next to me, bumping me a bit so she can get closer and slipping an arm around my back. I lean against her a little, but not a lot.

"I can't talk about it, you'll hate me," I mumble, hiding my face in Mr. Pillow.

"Did you kill someone?" she asks, her voice soft. I look up and shake my head. Of course, not, I wouldn't do anything like that anymore. Killing people is the worst kind of thing you can do. Just about everything else can be forgiven.

"I just...I don't think I can have sex with you..."

"Is that all," Maka says, she looks relieved, she must not have understood. "I don't want to push you, Crona. I said that already. We'll wait as long as it takes for you to be ready, no matter when that is."

"I didn't mean until later," I say, softly. She leans closer to catch my words. "I mean never. I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex with Maka."

"Why?" she asks. Her body suddenly feels oddly stiff. "Don't you want sex, ever. I mean, maybe you want to just be friend..."

"No!" I exclaim, turning to look at Maka properly for the first time since she came into my room. Having Maka be my girlfriend is the best thing that's ever happened to me, I don't want to ever let go of her! "I...I love Maka. I want Maka to be my girlfriend forever, and I want to make love with Maka. But...but I can't..."

"You want to but...you can't? Is it a medical problem?" Maka asked softly, leaning over. I nod, trying to hide my face again.

"What kind of problem?" she asks, shifting closer. "We can go see the doctor about it. Crona, don't worry, I'm sure they can help."

"It's not so simple," I mumble. "I can't tell you about it, it's too embarrassing. You'll never want to touch me again if you know about it..."

"Don't be silly," Maka says, pulling me closer. "Whatever it is, we'll take care of it. I love you, after all. There's nothing you can't tell me about."

"This is different," I mumble, trying my best to hide my face. "You don't understand, this isn't like an infection or something, this is something about how I am..."

"About how you are?" Maka mumbles. I glance up and she has a thoughtful look on her face, like she's thinking over what I've said. "What do you mean? Is there something different about your body? I think the easiest thing would be if I could see..."

"NO!" I shout, jumping up. I can't let Maka see my body like this. She'd laugh! Laugh and point and she'd never want to speak to me or touch me again and she'd hate me.

"I promise it'll be ok," she says, her voice is soft, like the voice she used to use when we first became friends. The voice she uses when she wants me to trust her. "I promise, whatever it is, I won't care. Please, Crona! You have to trust me."

"It's embarrassing..."

"I love you."

She's looking at me with her most serious face. Maybe she's right. After all, Maka has never hurt me before. Not really. Not like Medusa used to. Maka is always nice and kind to me.

My hand jerks to my collar and undoes a button. My hands are shaking and I fumble. It's all too much, I can't deal with this. She says trust me, but surely, not this? But...maybe if she does...

Then she stands up, wraps her arms around my shoulders and kisses me hard on the lips. I stumble a little under the force of it. She kisses me hard, it's the most wonderful kind of kiss. The kind where I forget about everything but Maka's lips and my lips and I feel like every part of me belongs to Maka.

Her arms slip around, over my stomach then up the middle of my body, and the finds the buttons of my top and starts to undo them. I freeze a little, but her lips are still on mine. It's hard to think about what she's doing when she's kissing me like that.

Then she steps back a little, looking at me. I let her push my dress of my shoulders, pushing it down to my waist. She reaches out and runs her hands over my breasts. They're only small, even smaller then hers, but still. Breasts, women's breasts. She smiles softly, then leans over and presses a gently kiss between them. I normally push them down, I hate them, but today I was too upset to bind them. Her hands are warm on them, and I think from her smile she knew they were there already.

Then her hands run down my side and catch my dress, pushing it lower. I screw my eyes shut, trying to ignore what's happening. Still, I can't help shaking. She says trust me...but this is a lot of trust. Can you really trust anyone this much? I don't know how to cope with trusting people like this.

Then the dress is gone. A few more tugs and my underwear too. I'm naked. The thought sticks in my head, I can't get it out. I'm naked and Maka is looking at me. Maka is looking at my naked body while I stand here. My disgusting naked body.

"Crona, open your eyes," she's using the soft, trust me voice again.

I look dawn and she's smiling at me. She can see it, everything, and she's still smiling at me. Somehow, that's even more embarrassing.

"It's not...I mean...that's not all," I mumble. "I don't...I mean, I don't just have a penis. That's the problem. I have, girls parts too. Behind it..."

Maka looks surprised, then leans forward and I have to shut my eyes again. She leans against my legs for a second, then pushes me back towards my bed, makes me sit down, then lay back and spread my legs. I feel so ashamed, lying here spread in front of her, like a plate of food or a painting only I'm not beautiful.

Then I feel the bed moving as she climbs on to it, then I feel her weight and heat as she moves to lie on top of me. I open my eyes slowly and her face is above mine, smiling.

"It all looks beautiful to me," she says softly, kissing my lips. "I don't know what the problem is..."

"Isn't it strange, though," I say, blushing. "I mean, to be both. It's really, really strange. I wish I could get rid of half of it. I wanted to, for Maka, but the doctors say it'll take a long time..."

"Don't get rid of it," Maka says, a little bit of fierceness in her voice. "I love Crona just how Crona is, it doesn't matter what you do or don't have between your legs. I can't care what anyone else says or has either. This is how you are and I love you. I mean, though we've had guesses, nobody really knew what gender you were anyway. So when we started dating I didn't know if I was dating a boy or a girl and that was ok, so why does it matter if I'm dating someone who's both?"

"Maka," I mumble, then I feel tears welling. She grabs hold of my before I can really start crying, pulling me up and holding me against her at the sobs start and, really, holding Maka when I'm crying is SO much better then holding Mr. Pillow. She strokes my hair and kisses me gently and it almost feels ok. I can't quite believe it, why would someone like her want to be with something like me. But she says she does, she says it's ok, she why should she lie?

The higher rated version is available on my livejournal.