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Her hands are shaking. They're not trembling a little bit. They're literally shaking. In fact her whole body feels electric but not in a good way. She thinks she's about to pass out. She desperately holds on to the stool she was sitting on before but her legs dare to give in any second. Why did she drink so much? Is this really happening?
"Brittany you're scaring me. Do you want me to get you some water?" Quinn's worried voice sounds far away although she's standing right next to her and having her arm around Brittany's waist to make sure she won't fall. Her body shivers.
"No, no it's ok" Brittany mutters. "Just give me a second. Why is it so warm in here?" She notices how Quinn throws a glance over their shoulders. "Is she coming?" Brittany sounds way too panicked. She wishes she could just disappear.
Can people tell she's freaking out? Does her hair look alright? Can she even form a proper sentence?
"No, she's not coming, ok? Relax, Brittany. You're ok" Quinn talks in a very calm voice. Suddenly she doesn't sound drunk anymore which makes Brittany feel even worse. She takes the glass of water that Quinn hands her. When did she order that? But she can't guide it to her lips. She actually can't. Her fingers won't stop shaking.
"Quinn there is so much I haven't told you about my past" Brittany tries to cover up her current state of pure panic. She throws a quick glance at her friend who just gives her the 'no shit' look. "Do you remember when you were at my place a couple weeks ago? Alana was out with friends and so we watched some movies and cooked dinner?" Quinn nods slowly. "You were cold and so I brought you a sweater. After a while you found a ring in the front pocket of that sweater and I told you it was my-"
"You told me it was your mother's ring and you quickly put it away" Quinn finishes Brittany's sentence with her eyes getting bigger and bigger. "Are you saying that was your wedding ring?"
Brittany gives her a quick nod.
"Now you know... I'm sorry I kept such a huge part of me a secret."
Quinn closes her eyes and shakes her head.
"I mean we all have secrets and that's ok. But I can't believe this. You're married? I mean... obviously the two of you have a lot of history and it's none of my business but... it just sounds crazy because you've never talked about her before and you have a girlfriend."
Brittany shrugs.
"A lot happened and... things change." That's all she manages to say. Finally she can take a sip of water. This is so surreal. This morning she was thinking about her. Now she's here. In the same city, the same bar, at the same time. How can it be?
Quinn clears her throat.
"Ok stay calm but she's coming over. At least I think she is... yeah, she's definitely coming over." Quinn sounds nervous herself which isn't exactly helpful.
"Oh my God" Brittany whispers. She closes her eyes.
"It's ok"
"Oh God..."
"Brittany stop. She's almost here."
Her heart beats heavily once, twice. A shaky breath. Then she can feel her. She can actually feel her standing right behind her.
"Excuse me" That voice. It still sounds the same. Which is logical. Voices don't just change. Brittany knows she can't pretend that she didn't hear. She has to face her. So she turns around after taking a deep breath.
Heat.
Tiny earthquakes in her chest.
Painful memories.
"I thought you looked familiar" The brunette says while her eyes pierce into Brittany's. She's tall in these shoes, Brittany thinks. Almost as tall as herself when she knows that the brunette is actually quite small. Brittany doesn't know what to say. She can tell there is a hint of a smile in the woman's face but she hides it so well.
"I'm sorry" Brittany manages to say eventually. "Santana... "
The brunette lifts her eyebrows. "It's been a while, huh?"
"Yeah... I just spotted you in the crowd." Brittany tries to explain herself. It's a miracle she can talk properly. She has no idea what to say. What are the right words to greet someone you haven't seen in a long time but used to be the most important person in your life?
Santana eyes Quinn who's still standing next to them.
"Oh this is Quinn. My good friend Quinn Fabray and this" Brittany points to Santana. "This is Santana Lopez. We're uh..."
"You go way back" Quinn jumps in with a light laughter and shakes Santana's hand. "It's nice to meet you."
Brittany is so thankful that Quinn is here. It makes her feel like everything's going to be ok.
"Nice to meet you, too" Santana replies with a lovely smile before looking back at Brittany. "I'm in L.A. for... for a work thing. Those are my colleagues over there."
"You have finished law school?" Brittany asks surprised. Santana exhales a quick laugh.
"Yeah... I made it. I work for a small company. It's great. Are you... still in the industry?"
Brittany nods.
"I am. I've got dance rehearsals these days for a big show coming up."
Santana nods impressed.
"That sounds promising."
Brittany feels so much at once. She still can't believe Santana is actually standing in front of her, talking to her. She feels guilty because the way things ended was terrible. She feels nervous as they haven't seen each other in two years and boy... she missed her.
But most of all she feels relieved. She's not sure why though. She knows Santana has been doing well. Of course she checked out the brunette's social media accounts after their break up from time to time (or on a daily basis) and painfully noticed how Santana continued living her life like nothing happened. It's not like she deserved anything else but... it hurt to see that Brittany must have been just another chapter in Santana's life and that chapter ended two years ago.
Well, there's only one person she can blame. Herself.
"I should go back. My colleagues are waiting. But uh... it was nice seeing y-"
"Wait, Santana!" Brittany reaches out to stop Santana from turning around but quickly comes to her senses and pulls her hand back. The move still has an impact on the brunette who stands still, with a questioning look on her face. There is something in her eyes but Brittany can't read it. She can't read her anymore.
"For how long are you staying?" Brittany doesn't know why she's asking the question. She's got no right. They haven't talked to each other in two years, they're not together anymore, they're not even friends, they're just... married. She blew all her chances to keep Santana in her life the day she left her behind and moved to California.
Santana no longer looks at her they way she used to do. She no longer bites her lip when talking to each other. She's standing in front of her like a stranger. There is nothing left of the warmth that she always made Brittany feel by a simple look. With a sting Brittany recognizes something else in Santana's face; she no longer cares.
"One week. I'll uh... I'll make sure to call you before I leave, ok? Have a good night. It was nice meeting you, Quinn."
Quinn mumbles a goodbye, too. Brittany just watches Santana walk away and she knows that there is nothing she can do. No matter how much she'd like to say to her or how much she still cares for that woman, the two of them running into each other after two years means simply nothing anymore.
She tries to get the key into the lock but keeps missing it. She's way too distracted. And probably still a little drunk. Quinn asked her many questions about Santana once their short conversation was over. But Brittany had still been in shock about everything and so they agreed to talk about it another day. Just one thing Quinn wanted to know before they said goodbye twenty minutes ago.
"Why are the two of you still married?"
The question still wanders around in her head. It's such an obvious question. But Brittany knew no good answer. Of course she's thought about it. She thinks about it every day. Especially when her mother calls every now and then and asks if she's heard from Santana. Or when it's Santana's birthday or when it's New Years Eve and Brittany types a message into her phone but never sends it.
Instead of waiting for an answer, Quinn took Brittany in for a long hug. The truth is, Brittany knows exactly why she never filed for divorce herself. Of course she could have. Especially since Alana has been talking about buying houses and stuff. Brittany should have called Santana and finally talked about the one thing that's been written on the very top of her mental to do list in big red letters.
But she had been the one to ask Santana to marry her. She'd never ask for the opposite.
She doesn't know how she makes it to open the door, get inside and get rid off her clothes without making any noise since Alana has the lightest sleep. She stumbles into the kitchen and there she finds a note on the counter.
I'm staying at my sister's house tonight to watch the kids. Her and Ted are celebrating their sixth wedding anniversary.
A. xx
Brittany slaps her palm against her forehead. Alana told her about the anniversary two days ago and asked Brittany to bring home flowers from the nice flower shop right next to the dance studio Brittany's been working at.
"Shit" She mumbles because of course she forgot about the anniversary and the flowers.
Their sixth anniversary...
Next month it'll be her and Santana's second. Well... you can't really call it an anniversary if there is nothing to celebrate. It will pass just like any other day of the week. The funny thing is that they've never celebrated a wedding anniversary. They never made it that far.
It's not funny.
It's tragic.
She sighs and covers her face with her hands. As soon as she does, tears form in her eyes and she can't hold back any longer. She cries silently, trying to hide it although there's no one there to witness.
Brittany was one hundred percent sure that Santana wasn't going to call. So when her name lit up on the screen of her phone only a day later, Brittany felt a reflex to throw the phone against the nearest wall. She had gotten over the initial shock of seeing her ex at a bar without any warning but she still couldn't deal with the impact it had on her.
She had just stepped outside of the dance studio during a break to get some fresh air and text Alana about their plans for dinner when she felt the phone vibrate in her hand. It was an utterly short conversation. Santana seemed to be in a hurry but wanted to let Brittany know that she was going to be working at a café in the afternoon because she needed a break from her colleagues and that she wouldn't mind some change of company.
Brittany had agreed, of course, but now she regrets it. Because she just arrived at the café Santana had told her about but the brunette is nowhere to be seen. They haven't spoken more than ten sentences after two years of complete silence and she already stands her up. It's ok though... Santana probably still hates her very much.
But it hurts though to get stood up by her.
It's not like they are actual strangers or co-workers or something. They shared a life together at one point. An apartment, a bed, family and friends... everything. It would have been nice of Santana to call Brittany to tell her that she's not going to make it so she could have stayed home. She could have done something useful like cleaning the windows or buying ingredients for dinner with Alana.
"Brittany"
Brittany startles and turns around. Not even twenty-four hours ago she looked into the same dark mysterious eyes but it still overwhelms her.
"I'm sorry, I got held up and my phone is dead. Were you just leaving?" Brittany opens her mouth to answer. Santana looks different. She's wearing black pants, a blazer, her hair straightened and up in a ponytail and - glasses?
"You wear glasses?"
Santana blinks several times, obviously caught off guard.
"Uh... yes?"
Brittany laughs softly. "Sorry... that's new."
Santana reciprocates the smile. It's the first smile Brittany gets and it seems honest.
"Right... I guess that won't be the only new thing though. Do you feel like coffee? I'm dying for a cup."
Brittany nods and follows the brunette to a table next to a big window where they sit down opposite from each other. Brittany watches how Santana gets a laptop out of her bag, as well as some folders, a pen and a phone. Brittany purses her lips when the phone makes a beeping noise. It is not dead. The waiter appears right away and Santana is quick to order a big cappuccino.
Brittany orders the same, still wondering what to think about the "new" Santana. It's so odd. Last time she was still a student. Now she looks so professional and... important.
"Is there something on my face?" Brittany snaps back from her thoughts. Santana caught her staring.
"Yeah... glasses. I'm sorry, I'm still processing seeing you like this. Seeing you after two years in general. Honestly it blew my mind to talk to you yesterday." Brittany mumbles.
Yes, she could play cool. She could pretend to be unaffected by their meeting. But she's not cool. She's not cool at all. Santana seems insecure for a short moment and there it is - the lip biting. Her eyes fall to Brittany's fingers that are playing with a napkin.
"I mean yesterday you walk up to me after two years and it was like I greeted somebody I simply used to know. Today you call me and now we're here and-"
The waiter comes back and puts their coffees down on the table. Once he's gone Santana throws a quick glance at Brittany.
"I just don't know what to think." Brittany shrugs. She's desperate at the inside but she doesn't think Santana can tell. She's been longing for this moment for the past months, years. To get the chance to talk to Santana, to apologize. To ask her for forgiveness, to say the things she couldn't say the night they last spoke to each other because they were yelling and crying and too hurt to get things right.
This is the moment she's been waiting for and now that it's here, it feels so wrong. Because Santana has obviously changed and moved on. Well... so has Brittany. Clearly. But Santana... she was the one. She was the one and now she can never tell her that. She can only try to find out how it could get this far.
Santana is still sitting there, her hand on the cup of coffee, staring at the table between them. Seconds pass before she looks up at Brittany. There is something in her eyes that looks familiar. Santana's lips part but then her phone beeps again.
"I'm sorry" Santana mutters after quickly checking her phone.
Brittany shrugs.
"No worries. But uh... I'm not sure what this is to be honest. Do you want me to watch you do your work? Or are we going to talk about-"
"You know what?" Santana interrupts. The insecurity is gone faster than it came. "I guess this was a bad idea and I'm sorry I asked you to come." Brittany has no idea what to do or say. "I don't know what I was thinking". Santana slightly shakes her head. She seems upset.
"Santana I'm glad you called. Do you have any idea for how long I've been wanting to-"
"Please" Santana stops her again. She closes her eyes for a second. Then she starts packing her things together. Brittany can't believe what is happening although she should have known. What was she expecting after two years? Nothing has changed. Santana is quick to pack her bag and puts some money on the table.
Just when she's about to walk away, Brittany does what she didn't do last night. She reaches out to hold her back. Actually she aimed for the slim wrist but somehow it's Santana's hand that lands in her own. It's warm. And thin. No more ring on her finger. At first she's overwhelmed at the contact and she stares at her own thumb touching the soft, tanned skin. She's scared Santana will pull away immediately or slap Brittany's hand away. Instead she can hear the brunette exhale an unsteady breath.
Brittany remembers their first kiss. The two of them lying in bed after watching the most boring movie. Not once did Santana make a move during the film and Brittany wondered if Santana wasn't interested at all. So Brittany had leaned in and tried to kiss her. Santana pushed her away at first, her eyes widening. But then… she pulled her in and Brittany got kissed like she had never been kissed before.
"Can I call you before you leave town?" Brittany whispers.
Santana doesn't answer. She doesn't look down. Instead she squeezes Brittany's fingers so softly that it almost stays unnoticed.
Then she pulls her hand back and Brittany lets her go. For now she'll let her go.
I hope you like this story so far - I love writing for you again. Let me know what you think!
bobbieyoung