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Chapter 2

"Hey."

James looked up at her leaning against the door frame of his apartment at Stark's tower. It was a nice apartment but it was still noticeable that it was also a cell. The doors were reinforced and the windows unbreakable. If James had a set back, he wouldn't get out of here. "I got you a burger and fries. I didn't know which one is your favorite so I picked Steve's."

"Thanks." He took the bag out of her hands and put it on his coffee table. "Can't go wrong with a bacon cheeseburger." He gave her a small smile and took a bite out of the burger.

"Have you talked to Steve yet?" She sat down on the arm chair facing the couch. " About what SHIELD is offering?"

"Yeah, he came by yesterday." He pushed the bag with fries in the middle of the table and she took some out. "What's SHIELD agenda? What do they want from me?"

She swallowed the fries. "Well, first and foremost they want to take out the threat. The Winter Soldier. And Fury would probably love it if you would work for him one day. He always wants to have the upper hand against our enemies. But I also believe that they want to help you. Fury has an agenda, he always does but Coulson is a good man. He wants to help people, that's why he joined SHIELD. He helped me. I think he can help you."

"You trust him?"

"Yes."

He looked at her and then nodded. She watched him while he finished his burger. He looked better now. His dark circles were gone and he wasn't so skinny anymore. He had been muscular when she and Steve had found him but he didn't look like they had fed him well. Missions had been always more important than a full stomach. Back in the Red Room they had only gotten bread and water if they had done their assignments well. It was kind of a miracle that she survived the Red Room with all that torture and so little food and water.

"How are you?"

James looked up. "Fine."

She chuckled lightly. "I'm not Steve. You don't have to lie to make me feel better. How are you?"

"Where is he by the way? He's usually with you when you visit." That was true. Steve was worried that James could have a set back and would attack her so he always came with her.

"He's got a thing with the major and I wanted to talk to you in private." She gave him a sad smile. "I know what you're going through. You can talk to me. I won't judge you, James."

He rubbed his forehead and leaned back against the couch. His eyes were restless and she knew that look. He was haunted by his past. "I'm okay. Most of the time. I feel like I'm in control. But there is always this fear that I turn back into that thing. I just...Steve told me countless times that it's not my fault but-"

"You still did it." She knew what he was talking about. It had been her who had pulled the trigger or slit their throats, it didn't matter that she had been brainwashed. It was still her who had done it.

"Yeah. All their faces are blurred. I killed so many people that I can't even remember their faces. And at night...I have nightmares every night. I'm not screaming anymore but it's...the first moment after I wake up...I think I'm him again." He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was like looking into a mirror. "I can't remember their faces."

"You will." James opened his eyes and stared at her. "You will remember eventually. That's going to be the worst part. You'll remember their faces and their names and how satisfied you felt when you killed them. I know I did. I remembered every kill once my programming completely wore off. You have to keep telling yourself that that was a different person. That you are different now."

"You believe that?"

"Sometimes. Steve helps a lot with that." She smiled a little.

James did too. "Yeah, he does."

She stayed the whole afternoon to let James talk and listened to him. She knew that there were things that he couldn't tell Steve because no matter how hard he tried he would never understand it. And she was so glad that he didn't but she did. She and James both knew what it was like to be turned into weapons, only to be used and then tossed aside until they were needed again. It would take time until James could move in into the second bedroom at Steve's place.

Steve was staying the night and she tried to cook for him and bless him as he pretended to like her food but one bite of her own told her that she overcooked the steak and the potatoes were still raw in the middle.

"I'm sorry, Steve."

He shoved another piece of meat into his mouth. "No, it's good." She would almost believe him if she didn't try her food herself or didn't see how he had problems to chew the steak.

"I know it's bad. You don't have to lie, babe." She got up and took his plate away. He looked like he wanted to protest but she glared at him and he stopped. "I know you love me but you don't have to eat this." She walked with the plate in the kitchen and threw the food away. She was such a failure. She couldn't even make her boyfriend a home-cooked meal. She shoved the plate forcefully into the sink and could be glad that it didn't break. She didn't want to explain that to Steve. She was already embarrassed enough.

Strong arms were circling her waist and Steve pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "What's wrong, Natasha?"

She covered his hands with her own and leaned back against his chest. "Nothing."

"Nat, it's no big deal."

She turned in his arms to face him. "Yes, it is. I invite you over for dinner and then I can't even make you one! I should be able to cook for my boyfriend! This is what normal couples do."

He kissed her temple. "Next time we'll cook together. It'll be fun. And it doesn't matter that dinner was a bit...chewy. I don't care about that. I only care about you. As long as I get to spend time with you, it's the perfect date night."

Of course he thought like that. "I don't deserve you."

"Stop saying that." He tilted her head up and kissed her softly like he had done when he had kissed her on his birthday for the first time. "You are a good person and I love you. And I know this is not about dinner."

"I went to see James yesterday." She admitted and then had to kiss Steve again because he was her everything. "I was reminded about the person I used to be. About the things I did. You wouldn't have loved that person."

"That wasn't you. You had no free will." He cupped her face in his big warm hands. She loved his hands. "You think Bucky is responsible for everything the Winter Soldier did?"

"No, but I-"

"No buts, doll." He captured her lips in a passionate kiss that made her knees weak. "I know you. I read your file. You're my Natasha and I love you."

Her heart fluttered like it did every time he told her that he loved her. "I lied to you for months..."

"And you felt bad about it and you apologized. That just proves that you are a good person, Nat. And not everything was a lie. Your feelings for me weren't." She wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest. She still felt guilty for causing him so much pain when he had found out that she wasn't Natalie Rushman. He rested his chin on her head and rubbed his hands over her back. "So, I've been meaning to ask you-" She looked up at him. "Am I allowed to shave my beard off? Get a new hair cut?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. He knew exactly how much she loved his beard and longer hair. "Don't you dare, Rogers! Or I'm withholding sex!"

He laughed and she smiled at him loving him even more for distracting her from her dark thoughts. He was truly the light chasing away her nightmares. She dug her hands in his beard and tugged on it causing him to laugh even more. God, how she loved that man.

All the good restaurants were booked and they ended up at Taco Bell. They walked back holding hands and much to her amusement Steve ripped her panties apart and pushed her against the door the minute they stepped into her apartment. She was glad that she was wearing a dress or he would have ripped her pants too.

He let her down after he rocked her world and when she was sure that her legs were working again and tried to catch her breath. She just hoped no neighbors had walked through the hallway or they would have heard quite a show, Steve pretty much fucked her through the door. She looked down and saw that her eager boyfriend ruined the neckline of her dress. She raised an eyebrow at him and he gave her a boyish grin.

"I still think I'll get rid of the beard. I don't think you'll be able to withhold sex. Judging by the sounds you just made." He smirked and cupped her breast over the fabric of her dress.

Fine, two could play that game. "Are you sure, babe?" She brushed her hand over his length and he groaned. "Good night." She removed her hand and walked to her bedroom and closed the door behind her. She got out of her bra, dress and high heels and slid under the blankets.

"Nat?" She heard Steve from the hallway and his footsteps were getting closer. "Nat? Are you really tired? We usually make love at least twi-" He opened the door and she closed her eyes. "Are you really sleeping?"

"Yup."

"I won't shave my beard. I promise."

She opened her eyes and smirked. "Then come to bed, Captain."