Jade typed frustratedly yet again into her Echidna search engine, for what she thought was the… seventh time today. She went through the usual checklist.

I need/have a flat.

Name: Jade C. Harley.

I am: One person.

Occupation: Student

Email: gardengnostic

She was currently sitting at the edge of her "little brother's" bed, fidgeting away. As sunny as it was, she didn't feel like going outside. She felt like smacking a mofo. An inanimate mofo, though. No mofo had recently wronged her, so smacking an innocent mofo would just be kinda mean! Heck, not even an inanimate mofo did anything to her. She heard the door open and shut, so she looked away from her computer.

"Good morning, Jade - Have you had any fortune in finding a place to reside?" That was Mr. Egbert. His voice sounded stern and authoritative - like it belonged on a typewriter. He also constantly smelled like tobacco and shaving cream. Jade smiled.

"No, not yet! I'm not giving up, though. Oh, by the way, where's John?" She shut the lid down a bit to face him. Mr. Egbert adjusted his stern fatherly pipe - a line that should be more commonly seen in pornographic fics, but mysteriously isn't.

"He was attending to his chores when he decapitated a harlequin. I fail to see the allure of deceased joke-tellers and clowns but I will tolerate it. However, what I will not tolerate is the mess he created by doing so. He should be done tidying up any moment now."

Jade didn't really understand their passionate jester warfare. She didn't want to understand their passionate jester warfare.

"You are welcome to stay as long as you need, Harley. John and I already consider you part of our family as it stands."

"I'm flattered! Really it does mean a lot… it's just, unless you want a hole to be blown in the wall I should really find a larger place to stay. One with room outside! The suburbs aren't really the best place for experiments and stuff…"

A few years after her Grandfather died, Jade had been living just fine on her own. But John seemed to get concerned enough to tell his father, who alerted the proper authorities. This lead to child services saying the equivalent of "aw HELL naw" and within a month Jade was sharing a room with John Egbert. While living here had been fun and all, there was no way to practice her marksmanship skills! And she didn't want to conduct experiments with radioactivity in their living room, either. That was a dick move.

"Just note that- Now what the…"
This wasn't what Mr. Egbert intended to say. But the smell of cake was beginning to waft into the room. "Waft" meaning assault every unprotected nose in the household with the sweet scent of burned chocolate and failure.

As Mr. Egbert Dad-scampered his ass out of the door, John lad-scampered his ass in.

"Don't you have chores?" Jade questioned, immediately re-opening her computer and picking up where she left off.

"Psh. No way, I'll just get to them later or something," a nerd replied. That nerd being John.

"Hmm…" Her eyes were fixed on her screen. She'd long since gotten used to the Matthew Mcconaughey wall staring at her soul with his (actually okayish) blue eyes and constantly seducing her best friend. Many a time had she walked in on him coming THIS CLOSE to kissing a poster of the guy. Matthew Mcconaughey was more akin to Matthew Mcconaugnay for Jad- oh jesus tits was that an AFFORDABLE FLAT WITH A ROOMMATE?

She immediately swooped in on that shit, leaning a bit closer to the screen and-

promptly ducked. A wily pie made of whipped cream (oh how the author wants to call it a creampie) had flown at her face. Daily occurance. Basic.

"You're cleaning that, John!"

Jade examined the house on offer. It was cheap. It was suspiciously cheap to rent considering it's large size, high quality, and beautiful view of the secluded woods. It was almost as if the house were tucked inside humanities darkest recesses, with terrible secrets to hide that no mortal could hope to comprehend. A house so pregnant with horrors that it COULDN'T be seen in plain view, within walking distance, because any sensible life form would be drawn away.

Jade reckoned it was pretty.

It was two stories, and heck, she could have afforded to rent it without a flatmate. If it hadn't already been claimed. Thankfully, THEY couldn't afford it. It seemed win-win anyway! Jade liked making friends.

She checked other details, specifically contact details, and sent an email to carcinoGeneticist