WARNING: contains YAOI LOVE.

Summary: Kaoru's feelings and wishes for Hikaru are still at war with each other. Which side is on the verge of winning?

CHAPTER 2

Nanimokamo to Nanimo

I was painfully awakened by the blinding light and an incessant ringing. It seems I had just fallen asleep when I was awoken from my slumber. I saw Hikaru looking at me with a worried look on his face. I closed my eyes as his fingers brushed against my damp hair.

"Oi, Kaoru! Omae wa netsu ga aru!" His voice rang displeasure, with a hint of concern and distress. I didn't reply. Reality was still obscured in my sleep-muddled brain. "Should I stay home and watch over you?"

I fought to open an eye to look at him. "Iya da yo, Hikaru. You should go to school." My tongue felt sluggish and it was painful to swallow. I feigned sleep as Hikaru moved about, preparing to go to school. Every now and then I could feel him glance in my direction. I suddenly found myself wishing that I could watch him and feast my eyes on him. But I decided last night that the madness had to end. It was better this way. I'm still trying to convince myself that it is.

"Are you sure you'll be alright? Iku ka dooka wakaranai."His intonation was heavily laced with hesitation. I wasn't sure if his indecision comes from leaving me alone or if he can endure not going to school.

"Aa. Just go, Hikaru. I'll be alright." I hid my face under the covers wishing he would take it as a not-so-subtle clue that I wanted to be left alone to rest.

"Genki ni naru. Kaoru. Please take care of yourself while I'm gone." I felt him touch my hair before leaving the room, the dull thud of the closing door reverberated in the room, signaling his departure.

I peeped from the blanket with tear-stained eyes. 'Hikaru…" My voice was weak and barely audible as I called out to the empty room. I felt the familiar stinging as I closed my eyes against the moisture. I didn't want to cry anymore. I just willed myself to sleep until my stubborn mind finally gave in.

When I woke up, the midday sun's rays greeted me. I felt slightly better and I remembered taking an antipyretic sometime in the morning. I have to take one every four hours. I barely recall the doctor who came into the room while I slept, disturbing me just enough to assess my condition and prescribe me my medicines. Eat well, Rest well, he said. I went downstairs to grab an apple from the kitchen.

Walking through the hallways back to our room, I passed by a mirror. I couldn't help but look at it, eager for the image of Hikaru to meet my gaze. But I looked like hell. My eyes were red. My nose was red. It was not Hikaru's reflection that greeted me as I gazed into the mirror. Hitachiin Kaoru stared back at me. But it was not a Kaoru that I knew. This Kaoru was unfamiliar – I felt a twinge in my chest as I realized that the person staring back at me looked dispirited and damaged beyond repair. I watched the reflection's eyes widen in understanding. Was this why Hikaru seemed worried this morning even before he found out I was sick?

I grasped that I have not been putting the best of efforts in putting up a façade of normalcy for Hikaru since… since last night. The reminder made the reflection's expression crumple in devastation. But now was not the time to feel sorry for myself. Another time, I promised myself, when there was no risk of Hikaru finding out. He was due back home in a little while. I went back to the kitchen to find something better to eat. If I had to force feed it down my own throat, I would. A passing thought made me smile a little against the food I fought to swallow. Maybe I really am the mature one. I could only hope I was right – for Hikaru's sake and mine as well.

I pressed tightly against my temples feeling a migraine starting. I rubbed in a circular manner in an attempt to fight off the pain. I could feel the numbers mocking me from my unfinished homework making my already exhausted mind spin. I hate math. Why couldn't we have had a modern Japanese homework instead – something I could easily and happily accomplish even while drunk or stoned. I forced my eyes to open and my mind to concentrate.

I was too busy focusing on concentration that I didn't hear Hikaru's silent approach. Advancing with silent cat-like steps, I gasped in visible surprise when I suddenly felt his arms around me, his face nuzzling my neck.

"Hika- Hikaru! What the-" I turned my head to cast him a curious glance. Does he hear the racing beat of my heart?

"You need help, Kaoru?" He smiled at me. I was pretty sure he knew that I did need his help. He knew me inside out. Or he used to – anyway.

"Tasukete… kudasai?" I mumbled slowly. I was in no mood to play games when I just wanted to sleep and rest. He seemed to sense this and proceeded to assist me with my homework. The moment the last value of X was solved, I dropped my pencil and jumped on the bed eager to sleep – to escape. I turned onto my stomach and nestled my face into the welcoming softness of the pillows.

Hikaru seemed to find this funny and followed suit after me. "Excited to sleep?" He teased me. "Or maybe you're just drunk. Or high on Tylenol" He sniggered at his own joke.

"Aa" I murmured against the pillow not really caring what I was agreeing to. "I'm too tired" My lids felt heavy. I felt the need to sleep NOW before I start thinking… and remembering.

His arm wrapped around me affectionately. 'I missed you today, Kaoru. It was … different without you there."

I opened one sleepy eye, half of my face still burrowed into the soft down. "You'll get used to it" I said in a teasing tone. But I knew I meant what I said. Did he?

"Iya da yo, Kaoru! Zettai arienai! Do you really think that?"

Sleep suddenly seemed to take last place in my list of priorities. I heard the rising panic in his voice. I raised my head as he hugged me tightly. What? I don't understand his reaction.

"Sore wa jodan dake Hikaru." I whispered soothingly to calm him down. "Atarimae da."

"Honto?" he finally looked up to me.

"Aa. Promise." I smiled at him. And he smiled back. I finally let my head fall back into the bed, giving in to the heaviness tugging at my eyelids.

"Kaoru …." He began again. I raised an eyebrow in response "Are you sure you're all right? That there is nothing bothering you? Nothing at all? Even if it's just an inkling…I promise I won't laugh. I'm here."

"Yes, I'm fine.." I said.

He said no more after that. Maybe the truth of my previous declaration was still ringing in his ears that he failed to see what an obvious lie my simple affirmation was.

Tonight I let sleep claim me, lulled into slumber by Hikaru's even and quiet breathing and his warmth nestled closely at my side. The last thought echoing through my mind before I became unconscious was the haunting wish that Hikaru would realize that everything was not all right. Nothing is, anymore.


JIBIKI (Dictionary)

Omae wa netsu ga aru ~ you have a fever

Iya ~ No

Iku ka dooka wakaranai ~ I'm not sure whether I'll go

Aa ~ yes

Genki ni naru ~ get well.

Tasukete kudasai ~ please help me

Zettai arienai ~ absolutely impossible

Sore wa jodan dake ~ That was just a joke

Atarimae da ~ naturally

Honto ~ really, truly, indeed

Nanimokamo to Nanimo ~ Everything and Nothing

Medical Lingo

Antipyretic ~ for fever (e.g. Tylenol)

A/N :

Review pretty please. the hitachiin love demands it! ^,^