Hello again, dear readers!
I can't believe I'm writing at this speed (most of my fanfics stay unfinished for years), but inspiration on this one is going strong.
I'd like to again thank those who reviewed – if not for you, I would've probably tagged this story complete after first chapter :)
But since I've decided to continue, I'd like to note beforehand that we skip right to the aftermath of the Valley of the End, with all the canon intact between first chapter and now.
If you think that Sasuke talks way too much here, keep in mind the emotional state he is in. Some reasons for his behavior are stated inside, and you can read more in the end-note :)
And now, onto the… non-action:
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'The rain now is so awfully cliche it's not even funny.'
Water was pouring from above, splattering on the leaves, turning earth into mud, plastering Sasuke's hair to his head. He wasn't really bothered by it, except for the bitter irony of crying skies.
He felt numb. He made step after step without feeling his legs and almost without conscious effort. He moved forward not because he needed to get somewhere but because it kept his head blissfully empty and silent. He desperately didn't want for all his doubts, fears and regrets to catch up to him. So he made a step, than one more step, and one more, bringing him farther and farther away from the Valley of the End and all the things he did and could have done.
In the state he was in, Sasuke almost didn't notice the foreign presence, and when he did notice it, he almost didn't care. His first thought was that Orochimaru probably sent someone for him when it became obvious that something delayed his arrival. But then his senses caught up to him and he recognized the chakra signal. The jolt of realization was strong enough to make him stop.
He was slowly filled with dread that had nothing to do with fear for his life.
"Not you too," he whispered almost inaudibly, trying and failing to compose himself for battle. "I can't fight you too."
The rain kept falling, but it somehow wasn't touching him now.
"I did not come to fight you," came the calm response, and Sasuke forced himself to turn around and face the familiar voice.
Sabaku no Gaara didn't change much from the time they've met during the chuunin exam. He was maybe a little taller, shadows around his eyes a little less, and his gourd harness a little fancier, but overall still the same impassive red-headed boy.
A little dome of sand was floating above him, preventing the sand-nin from getting wet. Sasuke guessed that a similar dome was situated over himself.
"What did you come for than?" he finally asked, suddenly filled with irritation and impatience.
"I wanted to help you," his answer, so similar to the ones before him, only angered Sasuke more.
"Help me than!" he almost shouted, "Help me! Tell me I've made the right choice! Tell me it's the best possible course of action!"
"I cannot tell you that," Gaara's infuriatingly calm voice was worse than scraping of nails on glass. '…they're all the same, thinking they know better…' "because I don't know your reasons and motives. Will you share them with me?"
This question brought his mental rant to a sudden halt. Share his reasons? No one actually asked that, always assuming that they've already figured everything out! And it was Gaara, who managed to divine his ambitions from a single look into the eyes. If ever there was a person who'd understand him… but he simply couldn't stop for this now…
"I don't want to talk about it," he finally answered.
"You do." There was so much unobtrusive assurance in the sand-nin's voice that Sasuke stopped turning away from him. "I know how it is, the desire to discuss everything with someone when you try to find your path."
It was said in such a deadpan voice; still, Sasuke felt that if was not simply some wisdom gleaned in books but a painful experience from his own past. The Uchiha decided to stop fighting: after all, (and it was surprisingly easy to admit), Gaara was right.
The red-head obviously decided to take some additional steps to ensure his cooperation, because Sasuke felt a tendril of sand carefully curling around him and tugging him towards it's master. The Uchiha, not feeling any ill-intent, allowed it and soon was almost face to face with the jinchuuriki.
"Do not worry, I mean no harm. Everything you'll say will stay between the two of us." With those words the dim rainy light was swallowed by darkness, as thick walls of sand rose around them. The ground too changed from mud to sand, completing the circle. "We are inside my ultimate defense, so no one can see or hear us."
Sasuke couldn't help laughing weakly at the irony. To think that only a couple of months ago his greatest goal was to penetrate that same defense and harm the one dwelling inside.
The darkness surrounding him how was absolute, and there remained no hint of the outside world. Even the air was now dry and smelled faintly of dust and sun-warmed rocks. With a weary exhalation the Uchiha sunk to his knees on the soft sand and relaxed against the invisible wall.
"You're unexpectedly persistent," he commented.
"You are unexpectedly compliant," the other rejoined from nearby. "Does it mean you'll talk?"
Instead of answering directly, Sasuke gathered a fistful of sand and slowly let it run down from the edge of his palm. He was struggling with an unexplained urge to blurt out all his desires, motives and doubts, and needed time to marshal his thoughts.
"I have several distinct reasons to join Orochimaru, and they are only vaguely connected," he started. "The most obvious in everybody's eyes is my revenge. I must admit, I've never made a secret of this ambition and certain recent events brought it to the forefront." Sasuke paused, thinking of a way to recount the situation in as little words as possible.
"I've read the official account of the Uchiha massacre," his companion's disembodied voice seemed to gain an almost inaudible inflexion, "but I suspect there is a lot more to it than found it's way into easily accessible papers. Were you close with Uchiha Itachi?"
Sasuke choked on an indrawn breath. No words were coming to his mouth. In all the years after the massacre he never once discussed the deaths of his entire clan with anybody, much less his relationship with their assassin – his own elder brother. And he was suddenly overcome by a fresh wave of resentment for everybody who clamed they could understand him.
The darkness made it surprisingly easy to vent his frustrations, though his words had little to do with Gaara's question.
"What the hell did he mean by 'knowing my feelings'?" he snarled, remembering his talk with Kakashi in a tree near the hospital. "If he knew so well how it is to suddenly loose everyone dear to you, why hadn't he said anything sooner? Didn't he know how terribly lost and lonely I've felt? How I've needed someone to help me through my grief? To say one little word of consolation?" he gripped sand in both his hands and gritted his teeth. "No one really cared," he ground out, "they were all perfectly content to remove the bodies and leave me alone in a deserted district with blood half washed away by rains. When I was a useless child no one cared what'll happen to me. But now, when I've proven my value to the village, they are worried that I'll join Orochimaru. Are they afraid for my well-being? Are they concerned for my future? No, they just don't want the sharingan to fall into their enemy's hands!"
"Shinobi are tools, to be used by their superiors in any way needed," Gaara cited one of the more orthodox codes.
"I didn't wish to become a shinobi," Sasuke shook his head, though his companion had no way of seeing the gesture, "I needed to grow stronger, and attending ninja academy was the only possible way. The need to avenge my clan was the only thing that sustained me and bound me to life. That's what you saw in my eyes when we've first met: my existence was defined by my brother's death."
Sasuke almost felt the memory of that awful night trying to play out in his mind, but pulling away from it only brought forth the earlier recollections of the happy times when he was only an ignorant child.
"I was very close to Itachi," he heard himself saying, finally returning to Gaara's original question. "He was perfect in the eyes of the child that I've been. I always thought that he'd loved me," he added almost inaudibly, "but then he'd betrayed me. Everything turned out to be a lie."
The darkness swallowed all the pain he poured into his words, soothing him with silence.
"I had an uncle, my mother's brother," the jinchuuriki suddenly said. "He cared for me since my birth. He was the only one who treated me like a child instead of a monster. But when I was six he tried to kill me." Despite the seemingly apathetic voice, Sasuke knew that the following pause was not for dramatic effect. It was a memory too painful to be voiced lightly. "He was ordered to by Kazekage, but the final decision was his own. He agreed because in reality he only felt hatred and resentment for me. After that," there was a slithering sound, as if the sand itself tried to sooth it's master, "I've decided to only love myself, and to fight only for myself. But on the day of the chuunin exam you've taught me a valuable lesson. Power can be used not only to murder and destroy, but also to save. And you gain something even if there are no conditions on your help."
"We've learned that lesson together." Sasuke replied, "but the resolution to protect what I've gained only made my choice harder. Because when Itachi returned he was not after me. He hunted Naruto."
"Why?" the sand-nin's question was full of bewilderment. Sasuke chuckled despite himself.
"I didn't have a lot of reasons to choose from. Obviously the Akatsuki, a member of which my brother had become, wanted him because of the bijuu sealed within him."
"He is a jinchuuriki?" Gaara asked in astonishment.
"Yes, but his seal is very different from yours, much more strict. I don't think he even knew anything about it until he became a genin. That's the village logic in action again: they didn't think Naruto needed to know about a demon inside of himself: it could be dangerous to the higher-ups. I'm just lucky I was so old at the time of massacre, or I would quite possibly not know I'm the last member of a once powerful clan."
Sasuke forced himself to stop going off at a tangent. In his long years of solitude he'd gained appreciation of silence, and thought that he'd lost desire for talking. But now it was becoming obvious how deeply he really missed an opportunity to share his thoughts and conclusions.
After all, whom could he talk to? Hoards of his squealing fangirls with not enough brain cells between them to fill a test-tube? Adults, who automatically assumed that a child couldn't produce any intelligent thoughts? Naruto? (Ugh, he felt his brain withering from simply being near the Kyuubi container. Not to say that the golden-haired nuisance didn't have his merits, but he constantly drew Sasuke into childish squabbles and competitions and utterly destroyed his composure.)
If he had to look among his peers for similar-minded ones, he'd say Shikamaru already considered the village dynamics, but was too lazy to be bothered by it, and Hyuuga Neji was painfully aware of the power distribution because of his own situation. But Sasuke never felt comfortable enough to speak with them seriously and at any length of time.
Gaara though was so eerily similar to himself and seemingly willing to listen to anything the Uchiha had to say…
"You really need to stop me when I'm veering off topic," he concluded out loud.
"You don't," came the confident reply, "everything you say is relevant," there was a slight pause, "And it's good to know that some thoughts are not only in my head."
Sasuke hn'ed and tried to recall what they were talking about. The memory of his recent encounter with Itachi prickled him like a poisoned senbon.
"Akatsuki is after the Kyuubi," the sharingan-wielder forced himself to repeat, "and it was disgustingly obvious that I've not enough strength to protect my friend. Moreover, what if they are hunting all the bijuu? Naruto is not the only jinchuuriki I know."
"Were you… worried for me too?" Gaara asked in a small voice. Implicit acceptance of his desire to protect was so different from Naruto who would arrogantly insist he didn't need it, that it warmed Sasuke's heart.
"I was. I am," he amended. "I still need to grow stronger. And I know that I wont be able to do it in Konoha, because while I'm a potentially useful tool the superiors wouldn't want me to become too powerful in case I'd turn into a threat."
"Village leaders are unimaginative in ways of correcting their mistakes," Gaara noted with perfect composure once more. Sasuke's mind flashed back to many assassination attempts forever imprinted into the maze of his companion's mind. "So you think this Orochimaru will be able to give you more. Are you aware what he is planning to do to you?"
"Yes," he scowled in distaste. "Orochimaru somehow thinks that I'm a revenge-driven idiot who'd agree to anything for the ability to destroy Itachi. I don't know how he arrived at that conclusion but I have no intention of disabusing him of it."
"Aren't you playing right into his hands now?"
"Not really. After what the Sandaime have done to him, Orochimaru must be in a terrible hurry to enter a new body. The first time I was 'invited' I declined, and even now I was sure that if I left I'd be detained long enough to miss Orochimaru's deadline."
"You intend to use him, and then kill him," Gaara stated, "after he outgrows his usefulness."
Sasuke chucked mirthlessly. Said out loud his plans seemed very cruel and self-serving, but he could not deny them.
"Do you believe me to be such a vile person?"
"I'm still willing to hear everything you wish to share with me," came a simple reply with not a hint of censure or condemnation.
"He put a cursed seal on me during the chuunin exam," Sasuke admitted after a pause. "It gives me power, but takes away control and no one here can remove it. No matter what they say it's still a brand, a mark of his intention. I can't live my life constantly looking over my shoulder and thinking that today will be the day he finally claims what he considers his own."
"If you can't beat them, join them?" was a sarcastic suggestion.
"I just want to face something inevitable on my terms. I'm lucky that he thinks my desire to kill Itachi overrides everything else. He'll ensure that his future body is well trained, but at the end of his three-year cycle he won't have me."
Sasuke once again marveled at the Snake Sannin's conceit that gave the Uchiha this chance to get close to him. He wasn't even expected to show respect as long as he agreed to hand over his body in the end.
"Orochimaru has to be killed. Look at what he'd already done to Konoha and Suna! He obviously won't stop before he destroys my village. Nether Sandaime nor two other Sannin managed to defeat him completely, but it has to be done! He wants me close to him: what better opportunity to find his weaknesses and strike at the most favorable time?"
"Why didn't you come to Hokage with this plan?"
"What is the chance it actually gets accepted?" Sasuke countered. "Godaime has no reason to believe in my success; and whatever I can tell about my motives will be disregarded in favor of the commonly known one."
"It remains true though, avenging your clan still plays a big part in your decision to leave Konoha." The statement was detached, without a hint of Gaara's own opinion on his choice, but Sasuke's thoughts were drawn to the earlier revelation. He knew that there were numerous attempts on Gaara's life, but he hadn't realized there could be a central force behind it – jinchuuriki's own father, no less.
"Why did you not kill him?" he found himself asking.
"Whom?"
"The Yondaime Kazekage," the word father refused to leave his lips.
"What would be the difference?"
The question was like a bucketful of icy water over his head. This very same question was on the lips of every other person who tried to talk about his desire for vengeance, but certainly Gaara should know the difference.
As if answering his thoughts the sand-nin continued: "It is only natural that I don't feel about him as you do about your brother. After all, only the one you trust can betray you.
As I see it, there exist objective reasons for killing, that are generally known as justice, and subjective ones, that are considered as desire for revenge. My father never attacked me directly and I knew that he was only one of many who wanted my death, so even if I killed him the attacks won't stop – thus no objective reasons. And ending his life wouldn't have made me feel better about my own – thus no subjective ones."
"You know, I think those who called you insane are wrong. On the contrary, you are logical to a point where others simply can't comprehend your detachment."
"Logic," came a contemplative reply, "was all that was left for me when it became too painful to feel. Isn't it what you try to do: line up the causes and consequences to decide if you are making the right choice?"
"It is, but it's not working!" Sasuke snarled, "I keep thinking that it's all a sham, a facade hiding the extent of my selfishness! All my goals are far in the future, and vague at best. But I've already hurt so many with my actions!"
The fight with his doubts and regrets was irrevocably lost and the boy was flooded with recent memories of his fight in the Valley of the End. He slipped from his sitting position to curl on his side and threaded his fingers through still damp locks of hair.
All his hate-filled words and wounds he inflicted on a person who was fundamentally so much better than him… It was true that Naruto annoyed and brought the worst in him sometimes, but ultimately he didn't deserve to bear the brunt of his frustration and hurt.
And why was he the only one not able to let go? Gaara and Naruto suffered so much more than him, so why was he the only one who felt he wouldn't be able to live freely without revenge?
"I almost killed him, you know…" he whispered in a pain-filled voice. "I didn't hold back at all. I've thought that Kyuubi would surely protect him from anything I can hurl at him…"
A strange thing happened then. The sand Sasuke was resting upon slowly rose and enveloped him. For a moment he thought he would be crushed by it, and he found himself welcoming the thought.
But after a skipped heart-beat he understood that it was and embrace, an awkward attempt at comforting him, and his eyes once again burned with unshed tears.
"Your friend will live. I've seen your sensei taking him back to Konoha. I've used to hit my siblings," the last phrase seemed to be random, but Sasuke still hanged to every word, "when I felt that I could no longer control Shukaku but they still would not leave me alone, I sent them flying. But they always returned in the end."
The raven-haired boy felt bitter laughter bubbling in his throat.
"That's kind of the point. I know he won't leave me alone and I don't know how many times I'll have to hurt him again."
"Can't you just tell him your reasons?" Gaara asked with a hint of confusion.
"Naruto is not like you," Sasuke sighed and smoothed the patch of sand closest to his hand, "reasons mean nothing to him. If he feels it's wrong for me no leave Konoha, no amount of talking will convince him otherwise."
"Am I… better than him then?"
"You are better for me," he answered without a doubt, but than added, "and both of you are far better than me."
The silence that descended on them was not uncomfortable. The Uchiha enjoyed the cocoon of warmth that enclosed him and listened to Gaara's almost inaudible breathing.
"How come you are here anyway?" the raven-haired boy finally asked feeling that he needed some idle talk to pull himself together.
"I came as a representative of Konoha's allied nation," Gaara replied indifferently, "along with my siblings. It's actually kind of a test by the elders. They want to see how well I'll fare in the mission where the main objective is non-destructive."
"Oh, and why is that?"
"Because I'm going to become Kazekage."
"Not you too!" Sasuke couldn't help laughing, this time in genuine mirth. "But it's good, I guess," he continued without giving Gaara time to get offended, "this way I'll be able to ask you for asylum when my job is over."
"You know you'll always be welcome in Suna," Gaara replied with utmost seriousness.
"Yes," he whispered. "Thank you."
They were silent for a while, content in the impenetrable darkness and privacy provided by Gaara's absolute defense. But then the sand slithered away from Sasuke and gently propped him back in a sitting position.
"I sense someone's approach," Gaara announced, and his voice sounded as if he was getting up too, "I think it's someone sent for you."
Sasuke stood up as well, already regretting the loss of seclusion and freedom.
"As for your earlier demand," the jinchuuriki unexpectedly continued, "considering the circumstances I do believe that you've made the best possible choice."
And when the sand walls crumbled those words gave him enough strength to turn away from everything he held dear and walk towards the faintly familiar presence.
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Thank you for sticking with me till the end of this one :)
Your encouragement in the form of reviews will be greatly appreciated!
Behavior notes: I'd wanted to show here how a serious decision concerning one's future doesn't have a single motive but several of them, both selfish and selfless, entwined so tightly it's almost impossible to separate them. Some of the views Sasuke voices are exaggerated and even false, but you must remember that they do not actually represent objective reality but reflect his interpretation of it.
As for general OOC'ness. Well, what can I say: if all characters are completely IC, it's canon. We all deviate from the original because we think that we know better how they should be acting :)
This scene appears for me quite believable. It's always easier to make decisions if you talk them out, even if the one you're talking to doesn't make a contribution… and it's easier to talk to not very close people: this way you are not so afraid to be judged.
Storyline note: I will be skipping time a lot (We must admit that Gaara's appearances don't do much to the main plotline), and I will be concentrating on the relationship (in the most basic meaning of the term) between him and Sasuke.
Please stay tuned,
Till the next time…