Alex's Point of view

I stare at my phone, I don't know whether to text you or not. Why is it always me that texts first? Occasionally you will text me first but it's not very often. Do you know how that makes me feel Liv? I don't know if you want me to text you or not. But I always give in to myself because I want to text you. We text all the time but I always initiate it. It makes me wonder if our friendship means as much to me as it does to you.

I remember that time early on in our friendship when you tried to push me away, you did for a while but then when I realised you were pushing me away because I got to close to you, I came back to you. I came back to you. I hope you remember that. I doubt sometimes that you really understand that I am there for you. I know you have had no one else for you there for you. But I am here to stay. Surely by now you should know that? We work together, we eat together, and we laugh together. Our friendship is really strong; you've been round my parents for lunch, even stayed the night there. Do you really think I'd let you in so much if I didn't think of you as a best friend? I understand how this must be for you, scary but if you just let that go you'd see. It frustrates me Liv, you frustrate me!

I see how you clam up when someone says the wrong thing to me. It's just gossip. Do you think I'm a fool and would get mad? They don't know me, they don't know us. Why do you let it bother you? I've told you a million times before I don't care what people say. I'm used to people gossiping. I don't care whether you're gay, straight or a bloody alien, you are you and I am friends with you because of who you are, not what you are. It makes me heart ache that you are so used to people judging you that you expect it from me. I know you know it; I just wish you'd believe it.

I find myself being so wary around you. You don't seem to like physical affection from me. You hug and kiss people you barely know but when have you ever come up to me and given me a hug? Even when we are together in my flat you put up your barriers and stay far as you can from me. I'm waiting for those barriers to come down, I don't want to overstep and make you feel uncomfortable. You even apologise all the time when you touch me accidently. I see you tense up like you've done something wrong. I'm scared that if I initiate contact that you'll back off and try and push me away again. I can't lose you. I won't.

It hurts me how open you are with others. I know you're open with me in a different way but why can't I have it both ways? I love watching you interact with others as much as it hurts me, do you know that? You're so carefree even though I know you feel a lot of pain deep down. I'm glad that you can come to me and that you do when you are bothered by something as little as not being able to find the right trousers to dark times in your past. I feel special that you've allowed yourself to trust yourself and open up to me. Why won't you trust me when I tell you that I'm not going anywhere?

I remember when you've seen me with my friends; you stay away and act like you hardly know me. Why do you do that? Are you ashamed to have me as a friend? I just want to pull you to me and introduce you to my mates but I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Urgh, that word again. You've got too many barriers up still. Why did you let some come down but not all of them? I'm waiting Liv and I will wait forever. I just wish that I knew that they would eventually.

I love my job and do you know what makes it even more special? It's meeting you. I've found such a lovely, loyal, caring friend. I know you think you're fucked up but Liv, you are better than most people I know. The way you hate pain, you hate to see anyone in pain and you will help anyone else. You are one in a million and if only you realised it.

I love making you smile. I love making you laugh. Your eyes get brighter and there's this spark inside you that brightens up the room. You have an awesome sense of humour too; you can make me laugh with your silly antics, like hiding my stuff. See you're carefree when you do that, you don't think you just do it cause you know I will laugh. I also like it when you're protective of me like when you won't let me walk home on my own, it's sweet and endearing. See you have so many great qualities Liv.

So that's our complicated friendship. But you know what? I'd rather have a complicated friendship with you than none at all. So over all I'm happy. Nothing is perfect after all is it?