Night 1 - 7:51 PM
Malfoy.
It's time to die.
GET OFF MY GIRLFRIEND!
"GET OFF!" I shout out loud. People stare.
I think I have problems holding my thoughts inside.
8:00 PM
All of us took places to sleep on the ground, seats, and up where some of the suitcases used to be. Malfoy is on the couch opposite from mine (because I'm Harry Potter, so I get the comfy couch!), and Ginny is on the suitcase rack right above me. I'm so glad that Ginny is on the other side of the room from Malfoy. And by her own choice!
Serves him right.
That's my girl, buddy.
8:01 PM
That last post never existed. They're on different sides of the room so they can easily make sex faces at each other.
FML.
8:24 PM
Woke up from a really unrealistic, amazing, but still short dream about how the rack holding Ginny up above me collapsed. She fell on top of me and her tits went right to my face.
And the answer to your question is yes. I plowed her hard.
And do you know what woke me up? It was a voice, saying one sentence.
"I think I'll water Fiona."
8:25 PM
Fuck you, Fiona.
9:15 PM
Neville is such a wuss. He woke us all up with his sobs.
"OH MY GOD FIONA'S DEAD!"
"Neville, it's because you over watered it," Hermione explained sleepily.
"I only watered her once! Why do you faggots keep saying I watered her too much?"
9:24 PM
"Wake up, everyone. They're coming for us. Look at them, guys, they're coming for our souls."
When it's dark, and cold, and scary, and wet, and on an empty train, in the dark, in the cold, in a scary dark train, in an empty compartment, in the cold, in the dark and scary, in the cold, LUNA'S VOICE IS SO SCARY. They're coming for your souls! Yeah, that's the best thing in the world, Luna, it really is!
If you die, Luna, I just want to let you know that previous sentence was no lie.
9:25 PM
There are these retarded, dark-cloaked things outside the door. I can't have that! They're distracting me from my beauty sleep!
"Halt, I say!" I say (haha, repetitive!). "For I am Harry Potter, and I say to-"
And then I faint.
9:47 PM
"Harry? Are you all right? It looked like you hit your head hard." Neville is looking over me. I'm a little disgusted because I at first think he did CPR on me.
"You mean like how you hit your head?" I mutter.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing, Neville. Why are you even leaning over me anyway?"
"Well, I gave you CPR, of course!"
I would've ran to the bathroom to vomit, but I saw Malfoy standing right outside the corridor, so I used his face instead.
It's like I said, Draco, it's time to die. Maybe you'll leave my girlfriend alone now?
9:48 PM
He obviously isn't leaving her alone. He's practically caressing her.
Damn his hot body and big bulge and amazing charm!
… No, wait, what am I saying?
9:50 PM
"Why did I faint?" I ask Hermione. "What were those creepy cloaked things? Where are they now?"
"I have no idea, Harry. I wasn't the one who got rid of them!"
"Then who was?" She nervously looks at the figure sitting in the corner of the corridor. He still has beer bottles at his feet, but he's really cleaned himself up. It's that Professor Lupin guy. He doesn't have that dirty cloak hiding him anymore, and he doesn't look as hungover. In fact, he's sitting up straight, watching us. When Hermione looked over at him, he smiled at us.
"Hey," he says, nodding his head, trying to look sexy.
Wow, I was expecting something like dhksay htruioehv lkdsa, or something.
9:51 PM
"Professor, what were those things?"
"Harry, Harry, Harry. Don't address me as your professor. Address me as a friend," Lupin says. He smokes a cigarette and blows the smoke in front of him. "Call me Remus," he says, trying to look awesome.
He ends up coughing and choking in his own smoke.
9:52 PM
We have to leave the compartment because it's filled with nothing but smoke. Jesus, Remus.
9:54 PM
Remus elbows me. "Hey. Why don't you go in there and open the window? It could let out some of the smoke."
"Why me? You were the one smoking. And besides, I'm Harry Potter. I can't go risking my life to open a fucking window!"
Remus shrugs and smokes some more.
9:55 PM
Remus, stop blowing smoke in my face. Dear Lord.
9:57 PM
SOAKING FUCKING WET BECAUSE THE FIRE SPRINKLERS WENT OFF OHMYEFFINGLORD.
10:03 PM
The sprinklers finally stopped, but that didn't stop people from getting angry. The water all woke them up.
"Then maybe you shouldn't have been sleeping!" I'd argue.
"Then maybe you shouldn't have been smoking!" they'd yell back.
"Then maybe Malfoy shouldn't have let Remus on the train! He's the one that's smoking!"
To make matters worse for himself, everyone looks to Remus, who's sharing a cigarette with Malfoy. Remus keeps looking at his tight pants.
10:26 PM
I'm still watching Malfoy and Remus being chased up and down the train from my compartment. Ron and Hermione are watching as well.
Hermione takes pictures of Malfoy's pants every time he passes by.
Did you know that dicks look much bigger in motion-related pictures?
I didn't either!
10:34 PM
The train conductor had to come all the way down the train calm everyone down. He made Remus and Malfoy return to our compartment.
Dammit, this sucks.
I hate you, Mr. Train Conductor.
10:40 PM
It only just occurred to me that the train conductor calmed us down.
Was someone even driving the train?
What a psycho.
10:41 PM
Oh right, the train isn't moving.
10:52 PM
The lights have gone out and I don't know if it's because (A) everyone wants sleep, (B) the conductor accidentally flipped the switch, or (C) we have no power at all.
I hope it's the third one! I DON'T WANNA GO TO EFFING HOGWARTS AFTER THIS!
11:00 PM
Exactly twelve hours since we boarded this afternoon. Oh my God, how does time fly? I guess it flies when you're having fun. And how can I not have fun all the time? I'm Harry Potter, for God's sake!
11:05 PM
No offense, diary, but . . . you're getting quite boring. You don't do anything, do you?
11:06 PM
Okay. I'm bored. I hate you, diary.
"Guys, I am so bored. What is there to do?"
"We can play games," Ron suggests.
"Yes! Brilliant idea! What game is there to play in the dark?"
Awkward silence!
11:07 PM
Ron opens his mouth, his eyes on Hermione. I cover his mouth to stop him.
"But Harry, I know exactly what we should do!"
"Ron, the lights are out. We wouldn't be able to see Hermione undress."
"Oh, right."
11:08 PM
Remus snaps his fingers. "I got it! We can play hide and seek!"
"Hide and seek?" I say. "You mean the individual, scary, alone hide and seek, and on this horribly dark, very large train, in the middle of the night?"
"Yep!"
"I'M IN!"
11:35 PM
I'm so smart, I'm so smart, I'm sooooo smaaaaart! I ran down to the back of the train, and I'm hiding in the cupboard in the bathroom. Remus won't look for me in here.
Especially since it's the girl's bathroom!
11:36 PM
"Aw, man! How did you find me, Remus?"
"Uh, you're in the girl's bathroom. Why would I not look here?"
11:39 PM
Now that I'm 'it', I decide to search the back storage of the train. Who knows, there could be drugs back there.
11:41 PM
I found Malfoy smoking a cigar back there.
11:58 PM
I go back to the girl's bathroom cupboard.
"Dang it, Harry!" Remus shouts. "How the hell did you find me?"
12:03 AM
The hide and seek got boring real easily, so we all returned to our compartment and went back to sleep. Ron was nowhere to be found, though. I think he went through my things.
The only thing missing was the porn.
Damn you, Ronald.