Hey, Taylor's the sweet one, ok? I'm gonna make this real short and simple for you, got it? Good. Alright, so back awhile ago, when I still worked for Disney (so glad I don't anymore) two supposedly sweet, innocent little fawns came tiptoeing into my turf. Yeah, not to brag or anything, but Disney was almost all me when I was there.
The first fawn's name, the one with big, round innocent eyes who came skipping into my meadow was Selena. Selena Gomez.
To this very day I hate the sound of her name. I can't believe Disney replaced me with her. She hasn't had any tours that are good enough to come out as DVDs like mine did. She can't even sing live! A half dead cat with a frog stuck in it's throat would sound better than her. The first time she guest starred on my show I didn't really think she was all that bad. But after awhile she just - I don't know - she just got under my skin, okay? I don't know how else to explain it.
I criticized the way she dressed, on set or off, it didn't matter. I talked trash about her behind her back, over the phone, in the studio, etc. I've made fun of her face more times than I can count. I just do all of it without thinking. What do you mean 'did I feel threatened'? The only thing I know is I don't like her, alright?
And the other fawn that showed was Demi. Demi Lovato. Demetria Devonne Lovato. I love her name; it rolls off my tongue so smoothly. She still had some of that 'normal' look that no doubt had rubbed off from Selena. I was definitley going to shake that off. Selena was way too sweet for Demi. Of course I could have just walked up, and pretty much demanded to be friends if I wanted to, but I wanted this to go slow. I wanted to relish tearing Selena into little pieces and getting to know my enticing little fawn with the deep eyes, Demi.
Taylor and I were once tighter than two horses in one stable. And just like two horses in one stable, we've had a couple of quick flings. Taylor's blonde, tall, attractive, fit, and decently intelliegent (nothing to do with her hair color), but she reminded me of Selena. Too sweet, like a lollipop that you pour sour juice on. Apparently those two (Selena and Demi) were super close. I wasn't sure 'how' close, but I didn't really care. I wanted Demi, I got what I wanted. I mean, Taylor and I had barely did anything together, as I was quickly losing my interest. I give Blondie props for writing her own songs and albums and all, but when it all came down to it, I didn't really give a flying - well...you know what I was going to say.
I told Taylor about the two new ones in the town, and she grew curious. I wanted to talk to Demi alone, so when I was with Taylor I talked more about Selena to divert her attention from what I wanted, My plan, as usual, worked. Taylor and Selena were the best of friends in no time, and Selena and Demi were already starting to seperate with everything going on. I timed myself carefully, so as to appear at the right place at the right time, just when Demi was sinking deep into her loneliness - bam! Miley on the scene!
Demi was a more emotional person than I realized. I mean when she said she was passionate, she meant it. She praticed her guitar and her vocals more than anything else. I could see the aspiring musician in her heart and soul; it burned out of her eyes when she spoke. That kind of devotion is taken for granted these days, and I decided that as long as that fiery girl was under my wing, I was going to push to make her music dream true. Most people don't know or don't care to notice, but some people only become actors because they know it leds to singing. In case you're too blind to see it, Disney, Nickoloden, and etc. have a very deeply set obession with the way females are presented. If you show up as an actress you have to sing, if you can sing you have to dance. So basically act, sing, dance. Get it? And it's pretty much only the girls.
I don't know if the real Walt Disney had something like this set in mind, but I'm pretty sure a lot of other people didn't. I mean, my character had the whole 'rockstar by night' thing going on; it was part of my character to sing and dance. And that other girl, what's her name? Victoria? Her character goes to an acting school where they write songs and shit, so yeah. But a singing wizard? Really?
What? Oh, right, right. Demi, my bad.
So Demi and I bonded pretty strongly (good job on abandoning her, Selena). Out of all the things that Demi was afraid of falling out of her dream was her biggest fear. She told me she was unsure of how to keep her audience interested, always scared of being dumped in the trash. I reassured her that she would be fine; Camp Rock had been successful, giving her the rep of a rising star. I told her to audition for a TV show; I know that she had auditioned for Hannah Montana, but I got the role instead. If she got her own show she'd be fit to go. Disney almost never threw away their stars when they had their own show.
She that's what she did. She auditioned for a show and got the leading role, just like I did. Sonny With A Chance. It seemed like an odd name at first, but I got used to it. I didn't really like to whole 'show within a show' thing. I liked it better when the show switched to the parts about Sonny's personal life. Selena dated my ex, Nick Jonas which I don't really care about cause you know what they say 'there's always someone better'. Demi started something with that Joe guy, I heard he only did it for publicity, but Demi didn't know about it.
Shame.
People also said that Demi was 'out of control' when she was dating Joe. That...well, it might have had something to do with me, but I had good intentions, I swear. I told her if she was dating an upper class girl she needed to do more than sit (or stand, whatever) there and look pretty. She took that to heart I guess. I probably should have clarified on what I meant now that I think about it. This one blonde chick - what's her name - ah, yes, Brittany Snow. Another actress gone through what Disney apparently calls 'emotional and physical problems'. Someone apparently told her about the - ahem - advice that I had given Demi. Yeah, the blonde bimbo chewed me out and called me a sadistic bitch. Whatever. Like no one even knows her name, so she's not important.
So Dems got outta rehab, then guess what? She gets back with Selena again.
Really?
I even saw her with Selena and Taylor at more than one award show. I mean, what the fuck? What happened to me?
If you kids ever remember anything, remember this:
Never count out Miley Ray Cyrus.