Chapter 2: This Time

It's 4 AM and I'm wide awake

Waiting for my thoughts to fade

It's times like these I see your face

Lily lay in her bed in Gryffindor tower, tears running down her cheeks brought on by a powerful mix of longing and confusion. She just didn't know how she felt anymore. It was all just too hard. It had been three months since she and Severus had spoken. Three months since he'd called her a Mudblood and then told her he loved her, all in the same day.

"Honestly," She sniffled to herself. "What's a girl supposed to do with that kind of mixed signal?"

It wasn't that she'd been in love with her friend exactly…she just wasn't sure that she hadn't been either. It was all so confusing! Her thoughts and memories of him were all tangled up with her thoughts and memories of discovering magic, and arriving at Hogwarts…the joy of robes, and cauldrons, and wands was impossible to separate from flashes of stringy, black hair, sitting together on her first Hogwarts train ride, sitting near the lake while he told her about mermaids…

Waiting for my thoughts to fade

But how could she love someone who could call her a Mudblood? It wasn't a harmless word anymore, not with the things that were happening outside of the castle walls. And that hadn't even been the first sign that something wasn't right about him. The creepy Slytherin gang he chose to hang out with, the way he looked at people he was angry with, like he didn't care if they lived or died…no, if anything she'd trusted him for far too long.

A flickering of all my past mistakes

And then there was James. He'd been flirting with her for years of course, trying to get her attention, trying to get her to go out with him. She'd never thought of him as anything but an egotistical jerk, but then again…that day had changed how she felt about him too. He'd been horrid to Severus, but when she stepped in he let her friend go, because she asked him to. She defended Severus and he couldn't even refrain from calling her a…well, the fact remained that James was the one who had cared enough to put himself on the line in front of his friends. And ever since he'd been hanging around more then ever, carrying her books, bringing her little gifts, listening when she needed to talk. But did she love him? She thought maybe she did. But did she even know what love really was?

And as the light starts creeping in

I slowly feel the day I'm missing

But I wouldn't even know where to begin

Lily slipped out of her bed as the first feeble rays of dawn light began to creep in through the window. She walked softly to not disturb her dorm mates, and headed down the stairs to the common room. Somehow she wasn't surprised to see James sitting on the couch, staring thoughtfully into the fireplace, the flames throwing shadows on his face. Nobody was sleeping much these days.

Lily slowly eased herself onto the couch beside him, causing him to sit up suddenly in surprise.

"Lily." Her name was a whisper on his lips, and she felt a flutter in her chest. Did that mean she loved him? If only she knew.

"I couldn't sleep." She murmured, feeling awkward.

He simply nodded. She felt her face growing hot, and had to fight back tears again. This wasn't like her. If this was love, falling to pieces all the time, she wanted nothing to do with it.

He slid closer to her, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She flinched without meaning to, and he removed his arm, a look of hurt on his face.

"James, I'm sorry…"

Do I push too hard?

Or fall too fast?

The moment never seems to last

But will I stop long enough to know

"Lily, what are we?" James asked seriously, more serious than she had ever seen him. Serious enough to scare her out of her wits. "Are we friends, or something more? Because I'll be honest, I don't know how much longer I can be your friend."

"James I thought…"

"I love you Lily." He interrupted. "I always have."

She froze. Why did he have to say it like that? Exactly like the only other boy she'd ever…

Your words circle in my head

Weigh so heavy on my chest

And I'm crushed by your expectation

"Lily?" He reached out and took her hand gently in his, as she reluctantly looked up and met his eyes with her own. "It won't change how I feel about you, I just need to know. Do you love me?"

"I don't know what love is." She whispered, trying with everything she had not to cry. "I care about you so much James, I truly do. But sometimes I…I'm having a hard time letting go…"

Did I say too much again

I'm just a girl in a panic

If I tell you my truth

Am I getting through

"Of Severus." James muttered darkly.

"How did you…"

"I always thought you might have loved him." He answered, his voice dangerously soft. "I never understood why, but I guess I always knew. But after what he said…I hoped…well, I hoped you could at least love me more…love me better."

It just seems I should confess

Who am I too pretend

This is more than I can carry

The next thing either of them knew she was sobbing into his shoulder.

"I want to James! You have no idea how badly I want to! And I think I…I think I might…but I just need time to know for sure. Can you wait, James? Can you wait for me to know for sure?" She was hysterical but she couldn't stop now that she'd started, she just clung to his shoulder and waited for his answer.

"I'll wait for you forever." He whispered softly in her ear, kissing the top of her head lovingly.

Everybody burns

And when it starts to hurt

I cry

I feel it in my veins

I just can't walk away, this time