**Author notes, story notes and everything else, on profile. Thank you :)**

It had been a long night. She had bolted upright from the couch. Again. She'd had another dream, all night, they kept harassing her, and they were freaking her out.

She looked over at the clock, realizing it was only four AM she lay back down, hoping she could maybe grab more than twenty minutes of sleep this time around.

She knew it was no use though, so she started to ponder over the dream, what had happened and what it meant...

"Someone's calling my name," she thought to herself.

"MARISSAAAA!"

"There it is again. I know that voice, I do, and I need to get to it... I think it needs my help. It needs me."

"MARISSAAAAA!!!"

She started to run through the scenery her state of sleep was creating, she was obviously dreaming as everything around her kept changing as she ran towards the voice. She was running through a city, sky scrapers all around her, the voice, far away, almost lost within the sound of traffic; and all of a sudden, the sky scrapers turned into pine trees. She was now running through a forest, running between trees towards the voice she couldn't yet put a face on. She knew she had to get to it though, it needed her...

"MARISSAAA!"

The forest turned dry, she could feel the wind over every inch of skin, every step she took sunk a little, she realized she was running through a vast, empty desert now, but the voice, it was being carried in the wind. As fast as the desert had appeared, it disappeared. All of a sudden, she felt cold, really, really cold. She was trapped in a blizzard, the cold wind biting her skin, making her shiver in her sleep. Finally she was there, the voice was constant now, but she couldn't see anyone, and then, she felt it, her heart. It stopped momentarily as she realized she was standing where the pair had shared their first kiss, all of a sudden, she knew...

"Alex..." she could barely whisper the name as she looked up.

"MARISSAAA! PLEASEE, COME HELP MEEE, I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOUUU, DON'T LET ME GOO."

Marissa could see the waves starting to pick up in the ocean, Alex was stuck out there, she had to do something. She started to run towards the ocean, after all, it was holding the girl who held her heart captive. She couldn't stand the sight of Alex being crushed by continuous waves.

She felt a hand grab her arm, she spun around about to yell at who ever DARED stop her from saving the girl in the ocean. As she turned, the eyes that met her were cold, stern.

"RYAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LET ME GO! I NEED TO GO!" She couldn't stop herself from yelling at him, he was stopping her rescue mission.

"NO! You have ME now." His grip tightened around her arm. "I'M NOT LETTING YOU GO MARISSA. YOU'RE MINE AGAIN, AND I'M NOT LETTING YOU GO. I WORKED TOO DAMN HARD TO GET YOU BACK. YOU'RE STAYING HERE!" He yelled back at her.

In her sleep, Marissa shuddered, she knew that Ryan only wanted what was best for her, but, he thought HE was what was best. She thought the same...however, deep down, she knew... she knew in her heart, that there was only place for one person. He would never be right...She couldn't love him anymore, she'd met Mr. Right. And Mr. Right was a she. A gorgeous blonde with piercing eyes that could see right through her. That saw right into her core.

She couldn't hear the voice anymore...it had been washed away when Ryan interfered. She despised him for it; she'd lost her love... again, because of him.

With that final thought in her mind, she looked back at the clock. It was six AM now, she'd managed to daydream her nightmare for two hours. She didn't know when Alex would be back, she decided to get her stuff and leave right away, as much as she desperately wanted to see Alex one last time before the blonde left, she didn't want to push herself on the other girl. Especially after what she'd put her through.

She started with the bedroom, it was the most painful room in the apartment they had shared, and most of her things were there anyway...

As she went around, picking up items off the ground, and in the closet, she started thinking out loud...

"I can't believe this is it; I can't believe I let her walk away. Why? Why would I let her? Most importantly, why did she let me, let her? Well that's a stupid thought; she must have thought it was because I didn't want her to stay. GOD! How could I be so stupid? I...I...I don't think I've ever wanted someone to stay more than I wanted her to! Then why couldn't I fight for her? I...I...I loved her no? OF COURSE I DID! GOD! How could I ever even begin to doubt that? She was the first person I ACTUALLY felt safe with. She made me feel like I was worth something. I was worth something to her, and I let her walk.

Ryan had never done that for me. But...but Ryan was safe...he was 'the one' everyone believed was right for me. How could he not be? After all, he was sweet, caring, protective, not so bad on the eyes....but Alex...she...she didn't have to say anything. I could feel her love, just with those quick glances she would send my way...she would look at me and nothing else mattered. All of my worries were washed away, she held me close and I could feel she would never let anything happen to me. She would always want to protect me, and she always would. She didn't have to be as physically strong as Ryan was; she had something else to protect me. She had something better...her love could protect me from any and every evil. When she kissed me...oh God, it was NOTHING like Ryan's kisses. Ryan, he was always...rough and demanding. Even if I didn't want to push thing and he said it was fine, his kisses couldn't lie...he always wanted more. Her's...they were loving, plain and simple, I could go on describing them, but 'loving' is the best way to describe them... Even with a small peck on the cheek, I could feel her put everything she couldn't say, in those kisses.

Did I make the right choice? Was I right to let her go? They say, "if you love something, let it go." I've let you go now...but you are the one for me...are you coming back? Am I going to go find you? I know I could just stay here and wait, but, I'm a coward, and I can't actually do that...I'm just, SO afraid. Afraid of everyone and everything. I know that shouldn't matter, I know your love for me would ultimately protect me from all of that, that it would make everything okay. All we'd need is each other...but I'm still too scared, and I'm letting it take over what matters most to me. You're not only what I want most... you're what I need most, but, I'm letting the others be happy over myself. But by making everyone happy, I'm not only leaving myself miserable, I'm leaving the only person that matters to me unhappy as well. That's the part that kills me, I could take throwing my happiness away, but throwing yours away is the hard part....I'm sorry.

I hope that one day, we'll find each other again, and I hope we can be together then. The way I know we were meant to be. I hope you'll forgive me for being scared. I'm just too afraid right now...I'm sorry."

Marissa was shedding tears as she made her final round, she'd gotten everything she had in the apartment, she didn't want to have to come back. She didn't want to risk facing Alex, or worse, to risk coming back to an empty apartment with only the things she'd left sitting in it.

She went to the door and looked around one last time, she remembered all of the times her and Alex had spent here, all the memories, and she walked out...for the last time. She was out of Alex Kelly's life, and she hated herself for it.

She got in her car and drove off, about twenty minutes later; she had arrived in Cooper-Nichol hell. She walked up to the front door and was about to reach for her keys in her pocket when the door swung open;

"I'm leaving now, please don..." Julie had turned around as she walked out and spotted her daughter. "Marissa."

She woke up from her slumber as the sun shone through the window. As she groggily opened her eyes she had that momentary freak out, she couldn't remember where she was. Afraid something had happened she shot out of bed and looked next to her. She sighed a sigh of relief when she saw that no one had been laying next to her and she still had all her clothes on. Then she let out another as she recognized Dylan's room.

"I must have drank...a LOT if he carried me here..."she thought to herself.

That's when it hit her, the worry that something had happened, but now that she was out of self-preservation mode, the pounding in her head, the dizziness, the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, they all became a brutal reality. All the physical symptoms proved he hypothesis... she had drank...a LOT. She slowly made her way upright and travelled to the bathroom; she rummaged in the cabinet, found the Tylenol and popped two in her mouth to aid the headache. She swallowed them and slowly made her out, as she walked out of the room, she realized it was six am...she didn't want to wake the boys. She didn't want to go back home in case Marissa was still there...

"Marissa..." she thought to herself. The events of the previous night came rushing back into her consciousness.

She shook herself out of her daze not wanting to let her thoughts go there...not this early anyways. She decided she'd go to work, extra early maybe, but at least she could get some work done. Just because she was leaving didn't meant that she wanted the Bait Shop to fail. She figured she could get the paperwork done for the next couple of weeks, maybe find a couple bands, so the new manager could at least get settled and not have to worry about everything just yet.

She was about to step out of the apartment the boys shared, she looked back and felt bad seeing Dylan asleep on the couch, arms and legs hanging off the end and side. She also noticed how there were no bottles lying around... She smiled slightly; she loved how these guys took her in during her worse time.

She decided to leave them a note.

Joe, Dylan,

Hey, I woke up and you guys were still asleep. I didn't want to wake yous. Thanks for everything last night. I needed to be alone, so I left early, I'll talk to you guys soon.

Take care,

Alex

She left the note on the kitchen counter where she knew they'd see it; she walked out the door and got in her Jeep.

"Mum." Marissa couldn't believe her luck, she secretly cursed lady luck for putting her in this situation, she really didn't want to have to deal with her mum right now.

"Marissa what are you doing here?" Julie questioned, however she soon took notice of the two bags Marissa was carrying. "You're back?" she asked.

"Yea mum...now, I'd like to get in please."

Julie moved aside so her daughter could get in. "I'm glad you came back honey, after all, that little 'lesbian' affair of yours was only going to get to me for so long. It was starting to grow old you know? I knew you'd come to your senses and end it soon." She went over to her daughter and hugged her. "I'm glad you came back, let's have diner. I can't tonight, I'm working out of town, but let's do diner tomorrow. I cannot wait to catch up with you." She said, with a huge smile plastering her face.

"Sure mum, whatever. I'm not feeling too good, so I'm going to stay home and sleep." Marissa felt hurt that her mother thought her relationship with Alex had only been a way of getting back at her, even worse, she felt bad for not being able to defend her relationship to her mother, she was too heartbroken right now.

"Okay, take care, see you soon honey." Julie walked out and Marissa closed the door behind her.

Marissa trekked her way up the stairs and to her room.

She walked in. She dropped her bags.

She closed and locked the door.

She walked over to her drawers, reached for the bottom one, opened it and grabbed her Russian friend.

She then made her way to her bed.

She slowly opened the bottle and took a first drink.

She was starting to drink her pain away again, she hadn't done that while she was with Alex, if she drank, she was with her and she wasn't drinking anything away for once, but now, she'd lost her everything, and this was all she could think of to cope.

"I miss you already, I know you wouldn't want me drinking, but it's the only thing I've got right now... Until I find my courage, and come fight for you." She whispered to no one but herself. She took another drink.

She closed her eyes and felt the clear liquid already burning less as it went down. The tears were flowing freely.

She started driving towards the club, driving past the beach pulled at her heart, but she kept on going. It took no longer then ten minutes for her to get there. She pulled into a parking spot, turned off the engine and made her way inside. She walked to her office and sat down, she felt heavy, the weight of everything seemed to be resting on her shoulders, she didn't know what she should do anymore. She didn't want to run, but Marissa hadn't stopped her, she couldn't understand, well, it was pretty obvious it meant Marissa had picked Ryan over her...shuddering at the thought she got back up.

She walked towards the bar, reached behind and grabbed a bottle of Johnny Walker. Johnny would be her friend today.

She walked back to her office and sat down; she pulled out some paper work and was ready to start.

"I'm sorry babe," she spoke softly out loud, as she opened the bottle, "I know you wouldn't like me drinking away the pain...but it's all I've got right now, I don't want to hurt, so I need to stay numb...forgive me." She took her first drink and felt the liquid go down her throat, the warm liquid quickly spread and she felt a little lighter, not much, barely noticeable, but to someone who was in that much pain, the difference was huge. With that, she set to work.

Lunchtime came around fairly slowly at Harbour High for Summer. She hadn't heard or seen Marissa since the night before, at the bonfire. She knew her friend had said she was fine when they left without her the previous day, but she still felt uneasy about something. She knew Marissa all too well; and after having tried to reach her on her cell and at home and the mansion, she knew she had to get her Little Miss Vixen butt in gear and find her friend before something bad would happen.

She left the school before Seth or Ryan could even see her hoping to find Marissa at the apartment. When she got there however, she saw that neither the Jeep, nor the Mustang there...she got out and tried the door anyways. Knock, knock, knock....no answer.

"Great..." she mumbled to herself as she got back in her car. "She better be in Cooper-Nichol hell...or she will suffer rage blackout mode."

She drove towards Marissa's house and was relieved when she saw her car parked there. She went to the door, knocked but there was no answer. She tried the handle, it wasn't locked for some unknown reason, so she let herself in. She walked up the stairs to Marissa's room, the door was closed. That was never a good sign. She reached for the handle and, even worse, it was locked.

"Crap..." she mumbled. She knocked faintly, hoping Marissa would at least let her in.

"Gooo away."

Summer's brow furrowed a little...she hadn't heard that voice in a while. Things fell into place and a sad look adorned her features, Marissa was drinking again...a lot. Summer knew Marissa fell back to alcohol when things got tough, and with time she'd become almost immune to it, she knew that if Marissa was slurring over half a bottle was gone already...

She knocked again, this time a little more forcefully.

"GOOOOO awAYYYY," was the only thing that came from the door.

Summer was worried, and needed to talk to her best friend, she knocked once more, this time determined to get in. "Marissa, open up RIGHT now!" Her voice softened a little, "it's me Coop, come on, just let me in, we can talk if you want."

She could hear something on the other side, she couldn't figure what though.

"I don't want...wanto talk Sum. Just...just leave me alone, it's all I deserve." Marissa's voice had a sad timber to it.

Summer's heart was breaking as she heard her friend who was struggling in there. "Coop, okay, fine, no talking, just...let me in. I can at least distract you? Tell you all about Cohen's attempts to get Captain Oats in Princess Sparkle's pants last night?" She questioned lightly...anything right now, she just needed to get in the room, so could at least keep an eye on her hurting friend.

She heard more noise coming from the other side. Then she heard it, the sound she'd been hoping to hear, the lock moved out of place and there was a click as Marissa turned the handle to open up for Summer to walk in.

Summer saw Marissa, eyes red, hair messed, obvious lacking sleep. A mourning look on her face. She couldn't take it, "aw Coop, come here..." She went over and pulled her best friend in a tight hug. She felt Marissa tense at the contact, but she only let go when she felt Marissa trying to bring the bottle to her mouth while still stuck in the embrace.

Marissa had only let Summer in so the pounding would stop. Summer sighed and let her go. Marissa saw the look she was being given and turned away, she didn't pity. She needed...something else, someone else...

When Marissa heard the door close she turned around thinking Summer had left. However, she saw Summer had closed and locked the door instead. She appreciated the gesture, so she tried to flash her a weak smile... Summer reciprocated and headed towards the bed. This was the part Marissa didn't want to have to deal with.

Summer was about to say something when Marissa cut her off, "look Sum, I'm f...fine, nothing to worry bout." She cursed herself mentally for slurring a little.

Summer looked at her. "You're kidding me right Coop? The bottle is three quarters empty and you sound like a broken 45 set to 33."

Marissa looked at her confused.

"OH COME ON COOP! Records... ok, never mind. This clearly isn't the time to explain, we'll leave that up to later. Now! Can you PLEASEEEE tell your bestest friend in the world what's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

"Sum, really, tr...trust me, I'm fine."

"Marissa, you are NOT!"

"FINE! I'm not, but I will be. So there's no point in talking about this."

"You are unbelievable sometimes you know that? Coop, I'm your best friend; I can SEE you hurting with my own two damn eyes. If you don't want to talk about it, fine, but you DON'T have to NOT talk about it. I'm here; it's what I'm here for." Summer stopped for two seconds looking closely at Marissa, the continued. "SO! I am going to sit RIGHT. HERE." She patted a spot and moved over so she was comfortable, "I will be reading THIS. MAGAZINE." She grabbed one out of her purse, "and when YOU are FINALLY ready to talk, I'll still be here."

Marissa was about to reply, but Summer beat her to it; "and before you DARE say you want to be alone, pretend I'm not here, I won't say anything, but I'll be able to make sure you're still alive when you pass out."

Marissa sighed in resignation. She wasn't going to talk, but she would have no choice but to accept Summer's resilience to leave her alone. She slumped back down and kept on drinking. Ignoring the side looks she could see Summer giving her. She hated seeing her best friends eyes glaze over with sadness, but she was too numb to really feel anything right now.

Alex couldn't believe the amount of work she'd completed, she'd downed...probably half of Johnny, but she didn't feel it. She felt proud of everything she'd accomplished, plus she had barely had the time to let herself think of what had happened. As soon as the employees started arriving, things kept going wrong, it was one of those days, but for the first time, she appreciated it. It gave her opportunities left, right and center to focus on other things.

However, when five o'clock came around, she had started to feel the weight of the day physically... she had, after all, been up since six and hadn't slept much, let alone well... she decided to call it a night. She was saying goodbye and walking out when a sudden fear took hold of her, she all of a sudden wondered, "what if Marissa was still there...she shouldn't be, but what if she decided to wait for me..." Alex decided she would take the longer way home, she debated whether or not she should text Marissa and ask, but she felt if she did so, it would only serve to open up a whole new wave of feelings she wasn't ready to deal with.

When she was near enough to her house to see, but not be seen, she realized there was no familiar red Mustang in the parking lot. She felt, relieved and sad at the same time, she was hoping the brunette would have maybe tried to make one last attempt. Realizing it was futile to hope; she turned off the engine and started towards the house.

Her hands were shaking as she got her keys out and tried to get the door open. She managed, and once again, she felt sad and relieved when she saw Marissa wasn't there anymore. She went around the apartment and was slightly devastated at the sight of a Marissa-less home. It didn't feel like home anymore, home was Marissa. This, this had nothing of hers anymore. Nothing of her's, until she reached the bedroom, that was the room she least wanted to visit... they had shared countless nights and plenty of those were filled with firsts and memories. She walked in and there was something different in the feeling of this room, something different compared to the rest of the house, and as she looked her breath caught in her throat. Hanging there, on Marissa's side of the bed, the heart shaped necklace gently hung, as if nothing in the world was harming it.

Alex was sad and shocked; Marissa had never taken it off, ever since the moment it had been placed around her neck, "she must REALLY hate me... or something... I'm hoping it's something else..."

She went over and grabbed it, it lay gently in the palm of her hand and she placed it in her pocket. "Maybe she just wanted to give it back, but this was her heart...did she just give me her heart? What the hell! Since when is Alex Kelly this corny?!....oh ever since she walked into my life..."

She let the thoughts dissipate, she didn't want to think that intensely... she couldn't stay here much longer, she'd told her boss everything she'd done, the bar was okay to run on its own for at least a month. It was plenty of time for the owner to find her replacement. He wasn't happy Alex was leaving, she had been the best for the job but he wasn't a blind man either. He saw the pain in the girl's eyes when she told him she needed a change. He assured her it was fine and if she ever needed a job to just call him up, that he'd have no problem hiring her all over. She'd thanked him and told him she might just hold him up to that someday, and then she'd left the Bait Shop, for the last time.

She'd decided she was going to move out as soon as possible, but first, she had a phone call to make. She wasn't looking forward to it. She went in the living room and sat on the couch, instantly her thoughts travelled to the first night Marissa and she had spent together, sitting on this couch, watching old horror flicks.

She sighed and reached for the receiver. She heard the dial tone and then dialled the number she hadn't dialled in over seven months.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

"Hello?" It was a woman.

"...."

"Hello?" The woman asked again.

"...Hi mum. It's Alex."

Summer was still there, but she had fallen asleep a little while ago. Marissa was glad; she didn't know how long she was going to be able to stand the worried side glances much longer.

She had finished the bottle and was now left to her thoughts, who like her, were drunk. She couldn't believe she was still awake after drinking an entire vodka bottle...alone.

Her thoughts were about to enter Alex Kelly land when her cell rang, she grumbled, she picked it up forgetting to check the caller I.D. She momentarily freaked out when she wondered if it could possibly be her.

"Hey," it was a male.

Marissa rolled her eyes as she realized who it was. "Hi."

"How are you?" Ryan asked. He was being so...formal.

"I'm peachy great! How about you?"

"What's wrong Marissa?"

"Why does he sound angry..." she thought to herself before answering him. "Nothing, everything's just great. How are you?" She was trying so hard not to slur."

"uh... I'm fine I guess I wanted to see how you were, I was thinking maybe we could hang out sometime, you know... like before..." his tone changed near the end.

Marissa was starting to get frustrated with how he was acting, after all, had she not left "the one" for him? Wouldn't that be good enough? Why did he have to go and become a jerk? She had loved her. No, she loved her.

"Like before WHAT Ryan?" she asked him, angrier than normal. Everyone had been under-estimating her relationship with Alex and she was starting to lose it.

"You know...the whole...you being friends...with Alex thing." He found it uncomfortable, she could tell.

"First off, we were not F.R.I.E.N.D.S. we were GIRLfriends. As in together. Second, it wasn't a thing it wasn't a phase, it was fuckin real. And now it's done. Now I can be ALL yours if you fuckin want." So... she wasn't slurring, she was meerly angry as hell, but could anyone really blame her? Everyone thought it was just a phase that her relationship had meant nothing, when in reality it was the ONLY one that had ever mattered. Had... God I wish I could just go and get you now...

"Wait... so, you're saying we're back together?" He sound like a happy school boy. She hated it.

"If that's all that matters to you, I'd like to go to bed. Thanks." She had no energy to waste on him. She'd lost Alex, and everyone expected her to be with Ryan, so why the hell not?!

She hung up the phone and went back to the bed. She collapsed onto it and slumbered off to sleep; barely realizing Summer had woken up and seen her friend get incredibly worked up with who she assumed was Ryan.

Summer looked more worried now then she ever had in regards to her friend. But she knew not to push the girl. Things would get better, they had to. Marissa had been through too much already...