Selphie is supporting herself against a strange computer-bank covered in glowing lights and control panels. A large whirling screen patterned with black and white swirls (think Austin Powers 2) is set up against the far wall.
Everyone: ????????????????????????
Seifer: What the hell is THAT?
Rinoa: I… think it's a kind of gateway. (Rinoa twirls her earring and a visor like Sailor Mercury's comes over her eyes.) Yeah- this leads to… somewhere called "FF7".
Squall: What, you mean that place where people's hands all look like clubs and nobody has a mouth?
Rinoa: Yeah. *twirls her earring again and the visor disappears*
Selphie: You mean the place with VINCENT???!!!
Rinoa: Yeah…
Selphie: Booyaka! I'm there! Selphie runs towards the portal. One leg sticks out to the side, then she spins around in circles and disappears.
Irvine: hey… *sniff* Selphie likes Vincent…
Fujin: VINCENT, COMMISERATE.
Quistis: Wanna go after her?
Squall: Do you think they have hot dogs there?
Irvine: Yeah… if we get a hot dog to Zell, he might snap out of it for a while.
Raijin: Let's go, ya know?
Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE.
Everyone runs up to the portal, stick their legs out to the side and spin around in circles until they disappear.
The FF8 characters land in the middle of a crowd of people, all chanting and holding signs. Selphie is nowhere to be seen.
Quistis: These people are so badly animated!
Squall: Forget that… What the hell is going on?
Everyone is carrying signs reading things like "S.O.S- Save Our Sporks" and "No Spork- No Work!" Squall taps someone on the shoulder.
Squall: What's all this for?
Clueless Protester: whaa… Hey! You have a MOUTH!
Squall: *sigh*… I repeat: why are you doing this?
Clueless Protester: *looks at Squall oddly* Where have you been? The Spork Shortage, of course!
Irvine: What the hell are sporks? And why are they so important?
Clueless Protester: You have a mouth TOO!
Irvine: Yeah…
Fujin: WHAT, SPORK?
Clueless Protester: Pardon? Hey… you ALL have mouths!
Seifer: That's really starting to piss me off…
Quistis: Hey, there's Selphie.
Squall: Er… thanks for your help.
The FF8 team make their way over to Selphie.
Selphie: …he's tall, he wears a red bandanna, he's got a metal claw and he's super-total-mega-cute!
Girl: Well…
Selphie: So? So? Do you know where he is? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Girl: I think I know who you're talking about…but he doesn't like visitors.
Selphie: *impatiently* You don't understand! I'm not a visitor! I'm like, his super-mega-meant-to-be girlfriend!
Squall: *cuts in* Sorry to trouble you, Miss. She must have been inhaling her hairspray again.
Girl: That's okay.
Rinoa: What's wrong here?
Girl: People need sporks to live.
Irvine: Why?
Girl: *shrugs helplessly* They're good weapons, they make a useful substitute for a hairbrush, and they're shiny.
Raijin: See your point, ya know?
Girl: Plus, they're one of the few substances that don't dissolve in the AVALANCHE canteen's mystery meat.
Seifer: I know what you mean.
Rinoa: Are there any hot dogs here?
Girl: They're pretty hard to find… and everyone's caught up in the Spork Search anyway.
Squall: If we help you find your sporks, will you give us some hot dogs?
Girl: *shrugs* Sure. I'm Tifa. *stares at Rinoa* Hey! You have a MOUTH!
Seifer half-draws gunblade but stops abruptly when kicked in the shin by Fujin.
At the AVALANCHE base. Barret, Yuffie and Cid are sitting on the couch, watching MTV. Cloud is checking up something on a computer.
Barret: Yo Tifa! New recruits?
Cid: Ah, #$^@, just what we need. More @$#%!s taking up our space.
Seifer: Say that again. Slowly. Unless you'd prefer something else engraved on your tombstone…
Irvine: Seifer- grow up. We're never going to get anywhere by fighting among ourselves.
Seifer: Shut it, ya wussy cowboy.
Irvine: WUSSY?!?!?!?! He punches Seifer and soon they are having a full-scale punch up. Everyone else ignores them.
Barret: Where y'all from?
Selphie: We're from FF8!
Cloud: I see. More advanced technology. Hey! That must be why…
Quistis: YES!!! I HAVE A MOUTH!!! WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR YOU PEOPLE TO ACCEPT?!?!?!.
Cloud: *puzzled*… why I haven't seen you before.
Quistis: *phew*
Aeris and Vincent enter.
Aeris: We've got a location beacon from our Sporkater.
Cloud: Our what?
Barret: "Sporkater", foo'! As in Spork Locater. It locates da sporks. We gotta box of 'em an' put a trackin' device in one. Den, we see where dat spork thief goes, yeah?
Vincent: The sporks are headed out to North Corel… *trails off as Selphie, who has just noticed him, runs across the room towards him*
Selphie: VINCENT!!!! It's YOU!!!! You're just as cute as you are in the Doujinshi!!!
Vincent: ……
Selphie: *sigh* I love it when you say that…
Vincent: ……!
Tifa: *whispers to Squall* Vincent's worried.
Squall: How can you tell? He looks fine to me.
Tifa: Didn't you hear the exclamation mark at the end of the last "…"?
Squall: *listens to the silence again* Oh, yeah.
Cloud: Cut it out!!!
The room goes silent. Irvine and Seifer have stopped beating each other up and are lying on the floor. Rinoa tosses them a couple of Potions.
Squall: Isn't there a North Corel train?
Vincent: The movement of the Sporkater indicates that the sporks are probably on the train.
Cloud: Right. We'll get on and check it out. *looks around* Hey, where's Yuffie?
Yuffie has crept up behind Fujin.
Yuffie: Gimme all your Materia!!!
Fujin: MATERIA?
Yuffie: Don't waste my time. If you don't have Materia, how do you do any good attacks?
Fujin: DEMONSTRATION. * kicks Yuffie in the shin*
Yuffie: WAAAAAA!!!!!
Fujin: RAGE! CAPITALS, MINE! IMBECILES! INCOMPREHENSION! *With every word, Fujin kicks Yuffie again*
Yuffie: WAA- that is, um, "waaaaaaa!"
Cloud: Cait Sith and Red are on guard duty. Cait Sith's gonna watch the place while we're gone.
Raijin: This is so cool ya know? Always wanted to go on a mission ya know? I feel really important ya know?
Cloud: Any one of you…
Fujin: RAIJIN, VOLUNTEER. GUARD.
Raijin: Awww, Fuj! Can't- *breaks off as Shiruken prods him in the back*
Fujin: YES?
Raijin: *weakly* -think of anything I'd rather do, ya know?
Fujin: GOOD. SETTLED.
Aeris: Collect your packs and equipment.
Cloud: Umm… Aeris- did you pack these?
Aeris: Yes.
Cloud: And there's no nasty surprises waiting in Tifa's pack this time?
Aeris: Would I do that?- Don't answer that. No, there's none.
Fujin walks past Vincent to collect her pack.
Vincent: Why do you talk like that?
Fujin: EXPLAIN.
Vincent: It's just- unusual, that's all.
Cid: #@!$, look who's talking- ya $^#$&* dot-dot-dot boy!
Vincent: *pointedly ignoring Cid* So why do you talk like that?
Fujin: QUESTIONS, DISLIKE. RAGE!!! *Fujin goes to kick Vincent's shin but he dodges*
Fujin:…IMPRESSED…
End of Chapter Two