A/N: I do not own Redwall, Mossflower, or any canon characters in any way, shape, or form. (Nor do I own Ara the pine marten, who is property of LittlePsychoWolf) I do, unfortunately, own the Sue that is causing havoc with the Sixclaws. (sigh)
Bluefen stared up at the male ferret. "Wait a minute," she said slowly. "I know you. You were that host on that one dating show!"
"Sssshhhhh!" hissed Kelaiah. "You're not supposed to know that!"
"Why not?" asked Bluefen in a genuinely innocent way.
"Because then it would be bad for the fic, that's why!" the male hissed back, glancing back at the audience that was piling into their seats.
A female pine marten with a headset came out. "Okay, Kel, we're on in five!"
"Thanks, Ara!" Kelaiah called. He then dialed a little switch on his lazer-looking-thing, making it into a microphone.
"Wow," said Bluefen, watching him. "You weren't kidding when you said that lazer wasn't just a lazer."
"Sssshhhhh!" returned Kel, waving his paw furiously at her.
The pine marten, Ara, came out again. "On in five!" she called, holding up five claws and counting down. "Four! Three! Two!" she stopped and pointed at Kelaiah.
The entire audince erupted with cheers without being pumped with glee - not like how they did on the Jay Leno (or however you spell his name) Show; the author would like to point out very quickly that he was on that show - NOT as a guest, but as an audience member, and all these people kept entertaining the audience so they'd be all pumped up with glee whenever they're supposed to clap whenever they come back from a commercial - on THIS show, however, such things were not needed because the author had fanfiction on his side and could therefore get the audience to clap and cheer without any of that junk.
The audience began to chant: "KEL-LY! KEL-LY! KEL-LY! KEL--"
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T CALL ME 'KELLY'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" SCREECHED KELAIAH, USING THE SAME "ANGRY-CAPS" MODE THAT WERE MADE FAMOUS BY ABBESS SONGBREEZE HERSELF. "YOU MAY CALL ME 'KELAIAH', 'KEL', OR 'YOUR MAJESTY', BUT YOU MUST NEVER, EVER, EVER CALL ME 'KELLY'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That quieted the audience down.
"Thank you," Kelaiah said calmly. Suddenly a big smile spread across his face. "And on today's show," he said perkily, giving no hint to his outburst. "We have a guest who says she's got a 'Mary Sue' problem."
The audience booed.
Kelaiah turned to Bluefen with a sympathetic look. "Why don't you tell us all about, Mrs. Sixclaw?" He held out the lazer-turned-microphone to her.
"Oh, um," said Bluefen, leaning forward a bit towards the mic. "Well, it just now happened - I was going down to the lake to do the laundry when- when- I saw-" She faltered in her speech.
"Go on," Kel urged.
Bluefen swallowed and gasped out, "I saw my husband kissing another!"
That little piece of info made the audience erupt into indignant shouts and "boos".
Kelaiah shook his head. "Eh, dear, dear. And this other maid . . . she was the Sue?"
Bluefen nodded. "Yes, and she has these horrible plans! She's going to make it so that Swartt and I were. . . ." the ferretmaid choked, but managed to gasp out with a shudder, "in love! And then Swartt was going to go on and on angsting about how much he . . . he . . . missed me, and then he was going to mistake her for me, and then he would - kiss her, and then she'd explain that she's not me, but she ends up in his horde and they end up falling in love and he recants his evil ways and . . . and . . . there's just so many plotholes in it I can barely think!" the ferretmaid cried, clutching at her head.
The audience muttered darkly at the Sue's storyline; they too could hardly believe how many plotholes were it there!
Kelaiah shook his head once again. "I don't blame you. But what is the main thing that you have to say about all this?"
Bluefen looked up, her eyes narrowed and her shoulders squared. "Swartt may have killed my father, but my father and I were not close, so I really can't find it in myself to be very bitter towards Swartt. And Swartt may be a lazy, arrogant, scum-like bully. . . ."
The ferretmaid trailed off dramatically, causing the audience to lean forward to hear what she had to say.
". . . but he's MY lazy, arrogant, scum-like bully!"
The audience cheered.
Kelaiah grinned. "Okay," he said after the cheering had died down. "Okay, if you had Swartt right here, right now, what do you think you would want to say to him?"
"I'd say to him," Bluefen growled, showing off her fangs. "'Swartt, I want you to decide right now! It's either her . . . or ME!'"
The audience not only cheered but stood up and clapped heartily.
"Well," said Kelaiah after the audience finally settled down. "You're in luck, Mrs. Sixclaw, because your husband is backstage, waiting to come out so we can hear his side of the story!"
The audience cheered and roared, "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Bluefen sat up a little straighter but nonetheless seemed composed enough.
Kelaiah spoke into the microphone. "Swartt, c'mon out!"
As soon as the warlord came out on stage, he was bombarded with candy wrappers and rotten tomatoes and toilet paper and other such things.
"OW!" shouted Swartt. "Watch the cabbages!"
The warlord dashed to Bluefen's side, figuring that they'd stop throwing lest they accidently hit her as well. He guessed right. As soon as he was beside his wife, the audience stopped throwing things for the sake of not hitting Bluefen.
"Hmph!" said the audience, displeased that they couldn't throw more stuff at him.
Swartt flicked off some of the toliet paper clinging to his shoulder before taking his wife's paw.
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" said many of the audience. The rest went, "Yeeech!"
"So Swartt," said Kelaiah. "Bluefen tells us she saw you in the arms of another."
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said the audience.
Swartt flushed. "It was a Mary Sue! She overpowered me! It was like I had no control, she made me think and feel things I never felt before!"
The audience began muttering among themselves; as much as they hated Swartt, there was no denying that he was a victim here. Of course, that didn't mean they had to stop hating him, right? . . . well, for now anyway. . . .
Bluefen was watching Swartt closely; sure, she believed him when he said he had no control, but . . . did he still enjoy it?
As though reading her thoughts, Swartt turned to Bluefen and said, "But you know you're the only female I could ever be with, right, Bluefen?" he added, giving her paw a squeeze.
Bluefen looked into Swartt's eyes and saw no guile or deceit. She smiled. "Of course I believe you," she said, kissing him.
"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" said the audience.
However, as soon as their lips parted, Bluefen looked entirely miffed.
"But there's still the issue with that Sue!" the ferretmaid said, before any questions could be asked. "She's still going to go after my man, and I am not going to allow that!"
The audience cheered, and Swartt looked relieved that his wife wasn't angry about his kissing abilities.
Kelaiah nodded and smiled. "Well, Bluefen, looks like its about the right time to tell you that the Sue is backstage waiting to come out."
The audience cheered.
Swartt suddenly looked nervous, whereas Bluefen suddenly looked very evil.
"But," said Kel, prompting a groan from the audience. "We will get to that after these messages! Stay tuned!"
A/N: What will Bluefen do when confronted by her Mary-Sue-arch-nemisis?
What will Swartt do when in the presence of the delightfully (that is, disgustingly) perfect Sue?
Will the Sixclaw's "love" for each other endure the Power of the Sue?
Will the audience never chant: "KEL-LY! KEL-LY! KEL-LY!" again?
Does anybeast out there think that Kelaiah is dashingly handsome?! (Ah, heh heh, ignore that last one.)
Find out in the next chapter!
Bluefen: Which you have not written yet.
Kel: . . . . . . . . . oh, shut up!
Oh, and by the way, if you would like to be an audience member, please PM me your character and please tell me what they look like and what you would like them to say or do (or both) to the characters (within reason, that is).