Don't Tell Me Tomorrow

by: firedew

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Chapter 2

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Teyla wandered through her quarters checking the floor, seeking out the scattered toys and picking them up as she found them. Taking his cue from the start of their nightly routine, Torren started toward the second bedroom. Teyla smiled to herself, throwing a stuffed bear into the brown woven basket the toys called home. Knowing his bedtime would soon be upon him, her young son hoped to find refuge with his father. A few wobbly paces on his feet led the boy back to his knees. To his young limbs, crawling was still the faster mode of travel. As she knelt down to check under the couch, she saw through the open doorway Torren pulling himself up by the bedsheets, and taking those last clumsy steps toward Kanaan, who plucked the boy up into his arms. The strings of conflict tugged on her heart. Soon, her son would no longer have his father to run to at night.

She quickly finished the last of the tidying up. Following in Torren's wake, she walked toward Kanaan's room and stopped at the threshold.

Kanaan smiled at her when Torren buried his face in the crook of his neck, doing his best to hide. "Is bath time upon us so soon?"

"I'm afraid so," she said.

"The days seem to be moving faster," he said, disbelieving. "Only a few remain."

And things will never quite be the same. Teyla tried not let the doleful timber of his voice effect her. "You and he will still spend many nights together."

Kanaan nodded. "Yes, we will."

She noted the lightly packed bag resting on Kanaan's bed. "Are you certain that is all you will need?"

"Not entirely," he said, "but Major Lorne assures me that we can easily acquire anything else." His countenance seemed to lighten. "I must admit the marketplaces of this world sound … wondrous. I should very much like to see one."

Teyla smiled. Her own memories of shopping on Earth were implanted there by alien beings, but John had shared that experience with her and assured her that they were accurate. She remembered fondly getting lost in the size and scope of the building and John leading her to where she might best find what interested her. The sheer volume and variety of things available to a buyer had been overwhelming and he had been patient as she found her footing. He had never hurried her along, allowing her to enjoy herself even after he had grown tired of it himself. So often she forgot that day had been an illusion. It had all seemed so real, but in the end, the only thing real about it had been John. "I am sure the Major will be happy to take you."

Kanaan set Torren down on the bed. The toddler's interest in the leather bag was apparent when he immediately began tugging on the clothing neatly packed inside. Kanaan stood up, letting his son play. He glanced toward the aged, wooden dresser. "I will have the rest of my belongings moved before I leave."

"That is not necessary. Your new quarters will still be waiting when you return," she said. Simply because he was moving out, she did not want him to feel unwelcome.

"I think it's best," he explained. She delicately tipped her head, supposing he was right. Saying goodbye to his son once would be hard enough, even if it was only for a few weeks. There was no need to do it twice. At least this way, when Kanaan returned from his trip, they could simply start living their new lives. A clean break, as it were.

"Are you certain you are ready, Kanaan?" she asked.

He was. Not only had Dr. Hiller had told her as much, she had been seeing the signs as well. The nightmares that had plagued him, sending him screaming into the stillness of night, had finally gone. There had been many a night she came home to find him staring out the windows, distant and sometimes completely absent, but he had left those days behind him as well. Teyla had often wondered what he sought out in the black veil of the night sky. Was it the silence he found so appealing? The solitude? Did it grant him a refuge from the memories haunting him or was he simply trying to lose himself in the great emptiness above? Teyla never knew because she never dared ask, not once in all the many months since his return. Michael had only targeted her people to strike back at her and Teyla had yet to reconcile her own guilt because of it. She knew his answer would only cause them both pain, so she held her peace and left Kanaan to his sanctuary.

But Teyla needed to make certain he would be alright. Besides being a dear friend and the father of her child, she owed him that much.

"You know you may stay as long as you need."

Kanaan smiled in his own shy way. "I am grateful that you care enough to make the offer, but it is time. I fear I have remained too long. For both of us." He released a sigh. "And what better time? Is it not also the season for change among the Lanteans?"

"Yes," she replied. It was good to see him embracing the people of Atlantis as she had. "I believe they view the new year as a time to make change and begin anew."

He nodded. "And since it appears this world is to be our home—for a time, at least—I think it best we observe some of their traditions. For myself, I must find my own place in this new world. And for you … "

Teyla tilted her head in curiosity. "What would you wish for me?"

A squeal of delight came from the bed. Torren had managed to put his arms through one of his father's shirts, tangling himself thoroughly in the rest, but was very pleased with himself. "Mum mum … "

Teyla giggled.

Kanaan smiled at her and she suddenly felt self-conscious. "I have always wished nothing but happiness for you, Teyla."

"I am happy," she said. Kanaan cast her a knowing look. She had told that same lie so many times, not even she believed it anymore. In truth, she had so much. A people she was proud to be a part of, a home filled with wonders both great and terrible, friends as near to family as friends could be, and above all, there was Torren. But a part of her felt incomplete, bereft of something it had never known. She had thought it buried deeply enough, but Kanaan had known her too long and too well to be fooled.

"You are a formidable woman, Teyla. You have helped me to recover from the changes wrought on my body and the wounds to my soul, all while also caring for our son and battling those who would destroy us. But even such a person needs more than duty to be fully satisfied."

"Do you believe I helped you only out of duty?" she asked. It distressed her to think he believed of himself that way.

His hand reached for hers. "I believe you loved me, Teyla, as you do still. As a friend you've had since before memory. But I am not the one with whom you would choose to spend a lifetime."

A deep sadness squeezed her chest. "How long have you known?"

"From the moment the Lanteans walked into our village that first night, I knew that, should I ever be fortunate enough to have you look my way, I could not keep you forever. Was I wrong?"

Teyla shook her head. As though she had spent every moment before living in a daze, she had truly awoken that night along with her father's necklace. John's strong hands around her neck, studying her so carefully it made her skin tingle. The memory still rendered her breathless. "No, you were not wrong. I never meant to hurt you, Kanaan."

"Teyla, I consider our time together to be a most special period in my life and I am the better for it." He chuckled at the squirming ball on his bed, kicking out at his sleeves. "The Ancestors chose to grant us a son. What more could I have wanted?" Kanaan's dark eyes gazed down on her. His thumb brushed her cheek softly as though he were already saying goodbye. "I cannot in good conscience continue to stand in the way."

A lump formed in her throat. There were still times late at night when she would remember those few, magical moments they had shared when she still carried Torren. How John had held her, comforted her, and hadn't hesitated to kill when she'd needed his help. When he had reached for her as her son kicked for first time, the warmth of his hands on her stomach and his crooked grin made some small part of her sing. Simple as it was, it had been the most glorious sensation she'd ever experienced. Then, inevitably, she would realize what a foolish pursuit it was. Even if John had ever looked at her as a man does a woman, those days were long past.

Aside from their work, they rarely spent any time together anymore. With Torren, he was magnificent, but when they were alone it was different. It was nothing he said, but she always felt he'd rather be elsewhere and so often, he would suddenly make his excuses and leave. Even tonight at dinner, he'd disappeared soon after her arrival. The memory of his empty chair reignited the raw ache inside that never seemed far away.

Kanaan studied her and she could only shake her head. "It is not you that stands in the way, Kanaan. I … I do not believe he feels as I do."

He reached out his arms and nestled his forehead to hers. Teyla leaned in, hoping that in the comfort of his friendship the terrible feeling would ease.

Kanaan spoke, unassuming but sure. "Then, you do not see."