A/N: First off thank you all so much. I was scared to post this one, and you guys made sure that I wouldn't be anymore with all your kind words, reviews, follows, and favorites. I'm honestly honored by a lot of what you all have been saying, not only about this story, but my others. It truly means the world so thank you so much.
For all of those that have said that they still like it, even though there is cheating, I appreciate you sticking with me, and for those that have said that they can't get past the cheating, I understand. There were a few reviews that really struck me and motivated me to keep posting this one, so I'm stealing a few words from you all, (hope you don't mind). Someone said 'This is fanfiction.' It's such a simple statement, but it's true. So for those that are still skeptical of this one just remember. This. Is. Fanfiction. Fanfiction is honestly like art to me, the way people make up these ideas and can write beautiful words that can make you feel so many emotions… That is what I try to do through my writing, and if one of those emotions you feel is anger, or even disappointment, because of the choices my characters make, then I'm okay with that. Life isn't black and white, as much as we all like to think it is, or think that if we were in a situation such as what Matt and Gabby are in, in this story, that they'd do the right thing and the truth is that unless you've been in the situation you really can't say. I don't agree with cheating at all, so don't get me wrong there. But this is also a love story, with shades of gray, nothing is black and white, and sometimes your love for someone outweighs your morals. I know I don't need to defend myself, but for those that are struggling to read this one and get past the cheating maybe you can read this AN and understand it all a little more.
One last thing is that I want everyone to remember that the choices they are making in current time are (obviously) based off all the past they have together. 8 years is a lot of history and a lot of things go on, so just keep that in mind and I promise to continue to fill in the blanks in each chapter, so bear with me on that. Like I said in chapter one, this is kind of like two stories in one. The blanks will be filled and all that fun jazz.
Anyways, here is chapter two! This song fits perfectly in with this one and it is just absolutely beautiful. I love it.
I own nothing…
Chapter 2: If We Cannot See
The Devics
You were born with a heart that can never be filled
And a head like snow that can never be still
There are streets paved in gold that shine so bright
That you force yourself to look away
Matt wakes up when Gabby crawls out his bed and he lets out a groan of distaste at the loss of contact and she laughs softly at him. "Where are you going?" He whines childishly.
She's just finished pulling her pants back on and is working on snapping her bra into place and watching her half naked body roam around his office in the dark is making him want to help her pull all the clothes she's just put on back off.
"To get coffee, and a shower. And I need to get out of here before anyone notices I am in here." She says in a whisper, afraid for anyone to hear outside, though they know it is unlikely.
"Come here." He says it softly, but the boyish sleepy grin on his lips and the glint in his blue eyes has her heart melting and she gives in, sitting down beside him on the bed. She runs her fingers through his hair and cups his cheek before leaning down to give him a chaste kiss. He runs his hands up and down her arms sending goose bumps across her skin. "You could stay in here a bit longer." He murmurs giving her a look she knows all too well.
"So one of the guys can find out we are together and tell your wife? No thanks." It's a dig, and she doesn't really know why she said it, but she did and she can't take it back. They happen every once in a while, just slipping out before either of them can stop it.
"Or your boyfriend." He counters with a raised brow.
She scuffs and rolls her eyes. Her boyfriend isn't much of a boyfriend, they've only been together for a little over two months. They were more friends than anything, but Shay had set them up and Gabby really couldn't say no, Shay would have suspected something, and Gabby couldn't have that. She's barely kissed the guy, and they really don't see each other too often. They've become drinking buddies more than anything else, friends really. She is also pretty sure he has a girlfriend, or at the very least is talking to another girl… which shouldn't really bother her seeing as what she is doing herself. It actually doesn't bother her at all. She is more keeping up appearances for Shay, and she really hates that that is what her life has become, hiding her relationship with Matt behind some other sordid romance.
"Yeah, mine isn't much by choice." It's a sarcastic remark, and she says it defensively and he really doesn't appreciate it.
"You act like I am the only one in this thing." He says just as defensively because she is insinuating what he is doing is much worst then what she is, and while it may be true, she's still doing it, still agreeing to it. They aren't any better than the other, and as much as he hates when she gets this way. All defensive and snide, he can't say he blames her. He's asked a lot of her over the past few months, over the past 8 years really. He doesn't know how she still puts up with him. But she does, and he really hates the insinuation that she is throwing out right now.
She sighs, and calms herself before meeting his eyes again. "I'm sorry… I just… This is hard Matt… harder than I thought it would be."
He can only nod in agreement because he fully does agree. It is hard, and he knows he could easily simplify it, but they haven't. They've never talked about what will happen if someone finds out, and they've never talked about what will happen if he tells Hallie the truth. Maybe not of the whole tragic romance of the past 8 years, but at least of the past year. They've never broached the topic and he wonders why because every day that goes by is a day that he thinks of how much he wants to end it all and just start over with Gabby.
He wants to give Gabby the real relationship that he never did before. He want's everything with her, but she is reserved around him. She hides her heart around him more than she cares to admit and he won't ever blame her for that. They've hurt each other a lot over the years, him more than her. They've gone through more together than what most 'real' couples ever will. They've learned together, they've loved together, and worst of all they've lost together. They've suffered a tragic loss together that will forever bind them to the other. They are the only two that know about it, or at least the only two that know that they suffered it together.
She finishes getting dressed and he peeks out the window to make sure the cost is clear before pulling her in tight and giving her long kiss, never knowing for sure when their next one will be. She kisses his cheek and then she is out his door like nothing ever happened and they are both back to leading the happy lives that everyone thinks they live. The lives where he is married to his high school sweetheart. Where Gabby is the best PIC in the whole city who just happened to come here a year ago. Where they were 'strangers' who became the best of friends. Where they didn't have a rocky history. Where they were nothing more than friends.
Where they didn't secretly love each other…
If we can't see now, we might never see
We only kill ourselves more slowly
If you can't find love, then you will finally see
How we kill ourselves slowly
She sees Matt more than she wished once school starts back up. She had the summer to think about everything, to get over him and forget about the screwed up romance that they had last year. She spent the summer with her best friend Leslie out at the bars drowning her sorrows and listening to some of the best live music in the windy city that she had ever heard. Leslie had no idea about Casey, well she had a little idea. She knew that Gabby started seeing someone during her first year of college and that she really liked him, but things got complicated and they ended it- that was all Shay got, and Gabby was happy when she didn't push for more information. She wouldn't have given it even if Shay had, but she was grateful she hadn't.
Gabby doesn't expect to run into him- literally, on her first day back at college. It's all too familiar, except there is no coffee spilt, and he doesn't let her fall to the ground. He quickly catches her, both hands flying up too land on her arms to steady her before she can fall. She shaken for a moment, staring into his eyes in disbelief. All those feelings from so many months ago filling her head and her heart.
"Matt…" Her voice is soft and it sounds more like a breath than it does a word.
He momentarily transfixed staring at her, not sure what to do or say. He's missed her. So much over the past few months.
"Gabby…" He clears his throat and his hands fall from her shoulders, though all he wants to do is pull her closer and act like he never let her go. "How have you been?" He questions.
She takes a step away after his hands leave her arms to get a hold of herself. He isn't yours anymore Gabby, he never really was to begin with.
"I uh, I'm good." Her words aren't convincing at all and she knows it, but she is too mesmerized by seeing him again to care. His hair seems a little lighter from the summer sun and his skin is a little tanner and he is cleanly shaved. He looks really good. She misses him.
He goes to say something else but is cut off by the brunette that come bouncing up to him wrapping her arm around his and kissing his cheek. "There you are, thought I lost you there for a minute." She laughs. Matt gives her what he hopes is a convincing smile and Gabby bows her head, shame written all over her face, and she's not even sure why she feels it. She likes to think she did the right thing when she found out about him being in a relationship, but it still doesn't stop the guilt she still feels every time she thinks of him and their time together, which is quite a bit.
"Oh, sorry! Am I interrupting something?" A smile is still on her face and Gabby can tell there isn't an ounce of jealousy in her voice, she is just honestly concerned she has interrupted a conversation. Gabby can tell she is a good person, and she wishes she wasn't. It'd be much easier to dislike her.
Matt looks completely lost right now and Gabby shakes her head, putting on a brave face. She goes to open her mouth to speak and that's when she sees it.
It's shiny and bright and it is staring right back at her from its place on Hallie's ring finger. Her mouth slams shut and she gives Matt a cold stare and it is his turn to bow his head in shame. Hallie is oblivious to it all and Gabby shakes her head.
"Nope, not interrupting anything. He was just giving me my purse, I dropped it." She easily lied. "Have a good day." She turns around quickly, not even waiting to hear Hallie's reply of 'you too!' and she walks away. She wonders if he ever really felt the same way she did about him. She wonders how long they have been engaged, and she wonders how he did it, but what she wonders most is why it couldn't be her instead. She tries to erase that thought though. Because he isn't hers, he never was, and he's getting married to someone else and he never will be hers.
She sitting at her table trying to study, which isn't going so well, and nursing her third glass of wine when there is a knock at her door. She growls in frustration. Her roommate is always forgetting her key, and she really isn't in the greatest of moods right now- she is also on her third glass of wine and she is feeling a little tipsy.
She swings the door open with force and stands there with shock filling her features. She quickly recovers and goes to swing the door back closed. He is not seriously here right now.
"Whoa, Gabby, give me a minute." He says his hand flying out to block the closing door.
She send him and icy glare and stand in her doorway with her arms crossed over her chest and a scowl on her face that he would really love to kiss away. She's in a small pair of cotton sleep shorts and a tank top, -no bra, and he definitely notices. Her hair is curly and frizzy and in wild curls down her back and there isn't a trace of make up on her face, but her lips are flushed and he's pretty sure by the lazy look under her now cold eyes that she has been drinking. She's never looked more beautiful, and he's reminded of all that he let go as he stares at her now.
She's smirking now because she knows he is looking at her, and she knows that she's not going to let him have her and that's his own fault. Though she is still mad at him and really wants to hate him, it still is nice to see that look she knows well in his eyes.
"Well?" She questions when he doesn't say anything and continues to look at her.
He clears his throat, but it still feels dry and he is sure his heart rate has doubled. "I uh, can I come in?"
She reluctantly lets him in and closes the door but doesn't move far. Her arms are still crossed and she still is giving him an angry look that he can't blame her for.
"I'm sorry…" It's the first words he can think of and he knows they probably don't mean much to her anymore, her roll of the eyes and lack of words tell him his assumption is correct.
"It happened this summer…" He tells her the story of how he wound up engaged to Hallie in the 5 months that they hadn't talked because he knows she wants to know, even if she doesn't say as much. He knows her. So he tells her about how he and Hallie celebrated their 5 year anniversary and how there wasn't some big fancy declaration, that he didn't have a ring at first, and that he never even planned it. They had started talking and all of a sudden they were on the topic of marriage and he was asking if she wanted to get married and she was saying yes and then they were engaged. It wasn't romantic, which he explained kind of summed up most of their relationship anyways. He saved up and bought her a ring a month later and they were happy. He left out the part about the guilt that struck his heart the minute Hallie threw herself into his arms happily, and how her caramel skin and the brightest smile on her face is what he pictured when he slipped the engagement ring onto Hallie's finger, because he knew her. He knew she didn't want to hear it because it didn't change things and because it wasn't fair to her to hear those things. It wasn't fair at all, none of it was.
Gabby's silent while he speaks and she listens intently because as hard as it is to hear that he is engaged, it's just nice to hear his voice. To be with him again. And she really did want to know how it happened, it was nice to hear that he wasn't actually engaged all along and she was just now finding out, or that he had been planning on proposing for a long time. Somehow she took comfort in the fact that the proposal was very simple.
When he's done talking about how they weren't planning on getting married anytime soon and weren't going to be doing any planning until they were both done with their final year of college he sits silently and he watches her process all the information she was given. He can't take his eyes off of her, and he wonders if a day will ever come that Gabriella Dawson is not at the forefront of his mind. In a lot of ways he hopes it won't, and he knows that a newly engaged man shouldn't be having those thoughts at all.
"You should go…" She says softly. It's the first thing that she's said since she has closed the door after him and it surprises him for a minute.
"Gabs…"
"No… Okay, just no. You're engaged now Matt. You're getting married to someone. That… that's a big deal. We can't keep… whatever this is… it needs to stop…" Her words trail off and she won't meet his eyes again and he's looking at her desperately. He doesn't want this to end, though he knows it's been over for some time now, it doesn't mean hearing her say those words are any easier.
"Gabby I lov…"
"Don't…" Her voice is dangerously low, but her eyes are pleading with him. "Don't say it. Please…"
"Why not?!" He throws his arms up in frustration.
"Why not? Matt you are engaged! We, us, we are nothing! So you don't get to say those words because you don't mean them! When you love someone you don't cheat on them! You don't lie, and you sure as hell don't propose to someone else! You don't hurt the people you love Matt!" Her voice raises with every word and he knows she's mad. She wants him to fight, to fight for her, and he's going to give it to her. Maybe it's because they haven't talked in 5 months, or because he hasn't got to kiss her in over 8 months, maybe it's because it has been so close to a year since he got to hold her. He doesn't know the reason why. All he knows is they're both angry and her chest is heaving and she is looking all sorts of frazzled and beautiful and when they are together it's like the world melts away and it seems like they've known each other all their lives. He kisses her. Large strides take him to her and he wraps his arms around her, his hand on the back of her head buried in her curls pulling her to him and slamming their lips together feverishly. A gasp leaves her lips in surprise and she pushes him away at first, staring at him disbelievingly, but still in his arms.
And then she kisses him back. It's filled with passion and it conveys everything they are feeling, all the things that they can't say. They tumble back into the wall and her back hits it with a thump, but neither seems to care. His lips leave her mouth and trail down her neck to the spot he knew she loved and when she moans out his name he is sure this woman is going to be the death of him.
His hands are running up and down her sides pulling her to him as close as possible and her hands are running through his hair, his lips are on hers and her tongue is in his mouth and she doesn't know how she went so long without this.
And then his phone is vibrating in his pocket and they are both snapped back to reality. She's kicking him out and she won't meet his eyes, and he's on his way back home to his fiancé, but the girl that's on his mind looks nothing like the girl that's waiting for him at home.
The words that fall from your mouth
They crystallize and break on the ground
And everything you want, you can't have
But you force yourself to look away
Their kisses are lazy and soft and gentle as they relish in the feel of just getting to be together.
It's been weeks since their office escapade and they haven't spent as much time together as either would like. Matt's been busy with construction jobs and, -though he'd never tell her, she made a point that Hallie was the last thing she preferred to talk about while they were together- he's been fighting with Hallie quite a bit the past few weeks, and it's taken up quite a bit of his time. Gabby's been busy at Molly's working on shipment and bartending, and spending time with her crazy niece and nephew.
They've only seen each other at work and a few times at a little coffee shop they frequent often, they are 'friends' after all, at least in everyone else's eyes they are. So meeting up for coffee and chatting isn't frowned upon, though he knows that the foot that she lets slide up and down his leg under the table is very frowned upon, and she smirks every time she does it and he takes in a sharp breath and sends her a glare from across the little table because there is nothing he can do about it.
A lazy Sunday evening in her bed is overdue.
Matt's laid on top of her and they've been making out like teenagers for the past 10 minutes under her cool sheets, except there is nothing teenage about it when their bare bodies are still pressed together from their previous activities.
Gabby's told him once before, in a rare burst of honesty, that feeling him on top of her was probably the most comforting thing she's experienced. When he raised his brow in question she elaborated. While she loved to cuddle after sex –well all the time, but that wasn't the point- there was just something about having his body rested a top of hers, his weight evenly distributed above her and his arms on either side of her that made her feel so safe. Like she was in her own little cocoon of Matt Casey and she never wanted to leave it. And after that explanation how could he not love it too; when Gabby Dawson says she like you on top of her –sexually or otherwise– you don't question it, you just do it.
His lips graze against hers gently and his hands run slowly up and down her sides as hers run up and down his back, feeling the muscle contract under her fingers. He pulls away and rest his forehead against hers and listens as a content sigh leavers her lips.
She's happy. Happier than she has been in years and it's all because of the amazing man above her.
Her kisses her nose and she squirms from the feel of his wet lips and a little giggle that he will never tire of hearing leaves her and he can't help but smile broadly, and then the words are falling out of his mouth in a sigh before he even realizes he has actually said them. "I love you."
He freezes, because he knows he has just messed up this perfect moment. They don't say those three words. He knows it, and he knows it's because if they don't say them than they can both pretend what they have is just sex, nothing more. They both know it's the biggest lie of the century, but neither acknowledges it. It's an unspoken rule, and every once in a while it gets broken- almost always by him. This is usually the time that she is kicking him out, or depending on the location throwing her clothes on in a haste and running out of there. Running away from him and those words that they both want to mean nothing, but really mean everything, because it would all be so much simpler if they really did mean nothing.
He closes his eyes and waits for him to be shoved away and told to leave, and he knows that she will do it all because she's more in denial about all this than he is and he is the one that's married for God's sake. But he's hurt her a lot over the years and he knows that she does it all to try and protect her fragile heart, a heart that he knows has seen way to much heart ache in its time.
Her eyes snap open and she tenses when those words leave his lips. It's been months since either of them have let them slip, and although that's how she wants it, she has still missed hearing them from him. But she will never admit that.
This is usually where she kicks him out, yells at him to go, he has a wife, and he doesn't mean it. This is just sex. They don't feel anything. Lie, lie, lie, one after another because it makes what they are doing feel not half as bad.
But she does none of those things, she can't bring herself too. She's missed him the past few weeks, and she's starting to wonder if maybe it wouldn't be so bad to hear those words when they are snuggled in her bed late at night. Maybe it wouldn't be bad at all.
Tears well in her eyes because it feels so good to hear him say it, and it shouldn't, but it does and she decides that she doesn't so much care about all their stupid unspoken rules right now. She lifts her head up just the slightest and lets her lips graze his and her hand come to the back of his neck to pull him closer. He doesn't reciprocate at first, he's in shock from her reaction, but when he does the tension leaves his body and he melts into her soft kisses.
He trails soft kisses on her lips, nose, cheeks, and neck. He kisses the juncture where her shoulder and neck meet and then he nuzzles his nose there before he lets his head fall to her shoulder. Her arms wrap tighter around his back and shoulders as she holds him to her chest and she arches her back a little so that he can slip his around her stomach. They cling to each other in the sanctuary of her bedroom, chests pressed tightly together, in their own little paradise under her cool sheets.
She lets out a little ragged sigh and a moment later he feels a tear slip down her cheek and hit his own. His arms tighten around her and he places a kiss to the side of her neck and he whispers sweet nothings in her ear as silent tears fall off her cheeks and dampen his own.
He doesn't question her and she's grateful for it. She doesn't want to explain that she wishes this was their life every night. That he was fully hers, not just on these nights, but out in the open, at their little coffee shop, at work, everywhere. She doesn't want to hide how much she loves him, how much she's always loved him. She wants to scream it from the rooftops.
They're a handful of chances missed and opportunities never taken and she hates the feeling that that is all they will ever be.
She just wants to be with him. Everyday. All the time.
Because she loves him. She always will, and she finally came to the realization that maybe it's not so bad to admit those words to each other after all.
It's awhile later before he is rolling over onto his side and turning her to face him. Pulling the sheets up to their necks to keep them warm in her air conditioned apartment. He wipes the remainder of tears from her cheeks and they sit and enjoy the silence for a while longer.
And he is certain that her next words will give him a heart attack coming from her perfect lips one day.
"You know I love you too, right?" Her words are soft and almost timid, but she's looking right at him and he hears her clearly. "'Cause I do Matt… so much."
He's sure he is going to cry now. He lets out a happy little chuckle, because he hasn't heard her say those words since the night that they started this whole thing again nearly a year ago and damn do they sound even better than he ever remembers.
His lips are on hers in an instant and he's pulling her as close as possible.
He loves her.
And she loves him.
They've always known it, always felt it, but they said it, and he knows that that is a big step for them.
He's beginning to think maybe he's wearing on her, and maybe this whole deep-dark-secret that is their relationship won't be so deep and dark and secret for much longer.
If we can't see now, we might never see
We only kill ourselves more slowly
If you can't find love then you will finally see
How we kill ourselves more slowly
It's like everywhere he goes she is there. He can't escape her, and he really doesn't want too. But she won't talk to him. She will barely look at him and it is killing him.
It's been about two month since he showed up at her apartment and she kicked him out.
They don't have any classes together, him being in his fourth year and her in her second. He did general education classes his first years until he decided to take some carpentry and building classes. He's mostly still here to play hockey. He loves it, and it's his final year to play. If it weren't for the game he probably wouldn't even still be here for the last year, but he doesn't want to give it up yet.
He isn't sure what her class schedule is this year. Last year he had it memorized in those few months that they were together, always having an idea of when he would run in to her, excited at the prospect. This year was different, he had no idea when or where.
He definitely didn't expect to see her at their little coffee spot. He didn't expect to watch her order two coffee's from afar, and he didn't expect her to walk straight up to a tall dark haired guy and pass him the second cup. He never expected that guy to be one of his teammates on the hockey team, and he really, really didn't expect said teammate to lean down and kiss his girl.
Okay, well, she wasn't his girl, but well… She was his girl.
He could feel his blood boiling and he knew he had no reason for it. Of course she would move on. She was a beautiful girl, she was young, and well she was beautiful. What guy wouldn't notice? But she was his and he couldn't stand seeing her with anyone else.
She looks up as she walks away with what seems to be her new boyfriend and she meet's Casey's eyes. She's shocked, but she tries not to show it. She can see the jealously spewing off of him as she walks away with Brad and she doesn't look back. She moved on. She found someone else and Matt had the girl that he'd had all along.
She liked Brad and he treated her right… It didn't mean anything that she could never get the blonde haired man that had stolen her heart out of her head. It surely didn't mean anything that every single thing Brad did she compared to Matt…
No it didn't mean anything at all… right…?
If you can't find me then you can't find love
If you close your eyes then you'll finally see
That you're already here with me
Big step for current time Dawsey, they shared that little 'L' word… hmm.
Thanks for reading!
I don't expect as big of feedback as I got for the first one, but something close would be pretty awesome, if you're feeling generous and all ; )
Review, Review, and I will have another update soon!
xXx