**For authors notes/ disclaimer etc see chapter 1**
I can't fight this feeling.
I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship
Has grown stronger
I wish I has the strength to let it show
You're standing at the bar waiting patiently for our drinks as I watch you and kick myself again. I had that moment outside when you looked at me and I really thought you wanted to kiss me. I almost said it, I almost just gave in and told you to do it I almost just said "kiss me Gerry" but I couldn't find the words. I've lost count of the number of almost moments we're had now over the years, how often I've been reminded that you've turned me from your friend into someone who loves you more than life itself and yet you make me tongue tied and unable to find the words I need to tell you.
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I say there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear
"One proper drink as requested." You're smiling at me so tenderly and my heart melts again. Why can't I just tell you how I feel? More and more these days I'm sure you feel the same so why can't I just tell you? "You know even though the party was rubbish I'm glad I was there with you not on my own."
"Yeah well thanks for coming you know how Jack and Brian feel about these things and I hate going on my own." I know you hate them too but yet you have never once refused to go anywhere with me when I've asked, you make me feel so comfortable, so supported, could you really do that if you didn't feel more than me than friendship?
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running around in circles in my mind
And It always seems that I follow you
Cause you take me to the places
That alone I'd never find
"So what are you doing tomorrow, what's Christmas for Sandra Pullman?" Not much different from any other day really but then you know that but you ask anyway and I love you more for it.
"Dinner with my mother then home to get drunk in front of the TV to get over spending the day with my mother. You?" You're smiling as you tell me you're doing the same, dinner with your exes and kids then home to get drunk in front of the TV it's a tradition. We fall into a comfortable silence and I can't help but think how alike we are in so many ways. No one has made me want to reach out and do things differently like you.
As you smile at me again I feel something snap, a final thread holding my reserve give up and I wonder if it's worth it anymore? Is it worth fighting? I don't think so anymore I think it's time to give up to it and take a chance after all it's Christmas if you laugh in my face I'll have a week to lick my wounds before I have to face you again.
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars forever
"Hey how about we spend tomorrow night together we could get drunk and eat things that aren't turkey and watch crap TV. Then you could stay over…..I mean there's a spare room if you wanted it….or not." My heart is beating so fast it feels like it's going to break out of my chest as you smile at me.
"The spare room? Only if I want it? Where would I sleep otherwise?" Oh god this is it time to fish or cut bait Sandra. You're eyes are fused with mine and now I'm convinced you feel the same I just have to say it, give up fighting how I feel and tell you and this can be the best Christmas ever.
"Come over and find out." I've done it you know and I know you'll be there and this is it the fight is over, the day has come and what better day for it to be? Could I get a better Christmas present?