Author: Ryanfan14
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: don't own CBS's characters (wish I did) or the song.
Stay Alive
~ (Ryan's POV) ~
I glance upward and curse whoever had the brilliant idea of glass walls. If not for their stroke of genius I would not have to see the accusing stare he is fixing me with. A fiery anger burns its way though the hollow emptiness that possessed me just mere moments ago.
What right does Eric Delko have to judge me?
I avert my face from the smug gaze and continue to inspect the pristine floor of Stettler's office…Stettler's now empty office. This stillness is killing me. I have no clue what is going to happen to me, but I am painfully aware of the fact that I've placed my own head on the proverbial chopping block. Although I'm sure that Speedle's #1 fan over there will be glad once I'm gone. Not that they ever really gave me a fair chance. They resented me from the moment they laid eyes on me. They look at me like I'm stupid…and useless, and that's what hurts the most.
I've lived my entire life with those comments from the mouths of my parents ringing in my ears. When I'd graduated from the police academy top of my class I'd felt that I was finally, finally worth something, and then they'd just had to go and rub salt in old wounds so to speak? They become even worse when I fail, and they get almost to the point where I can't take it anymore when I try to ask for help…and they wonder why I prefer to go it alone damn the consequences.
Your fingers were crossed behind your back before you ever gave me a chance
But now I have learned to trust myself, and I don't need anyone else
No one's here to light the candle
No one's here to light the way
It's something I will have to handle
My way
I feel alone, utterly and truly alone. Sink or swim, sink or swim, it's what I've been doing my entire life, and until now I've always been a good swimmer. I think that I've finally gotten around to the sinking part. Smoldering anger seeped up to the surface. How was I supposed to keep my head above water anyways? They'd made it near impossible. There'd be no possible way to stop myself from going under. How can you swim if no one's ever shown you how to?
I straighten my back, correct my posture and held my head up high. Anger coursing through my veins. They can insist that they haven't done anything, but that's the problem. They didn't DO ANYTHING, not a single damn thing when I disappeared. They hadn't even noticed. I turn my head and return his angry stare with one of my own.
Brown eyes met mine and then flinched away.
Probably surprised at the hate and anger he most likely saw in my gaze. I feel so betrayed. I'll never be able to trust any of them ever again. Not that it matters anymore. Not that it ever would, because they simply wouldn't care.
I've got to open up my eyes
Find a way to kill the boredom
Watch the time go by, now it's time for me to get mine.
No matter how blind I've been in the past, my eyes are wide open now. They don't care about me, never will. They don't want me here, never will. I must have a tendency to be slightly masochistic considering the fact that I've even tried to weather all the crap they've thrown my way, but I'm not suicidal I know when to give up and go home. In fact I'm almost glad that this whole ordeal is finally over or at least I hope it is.
~ (Frank's POV) ~
Puzzled, I walk back to I.A.B. What the Hell is going on around here? Sure I'd expected, and come totally prepared for a grueling Q&A session from I.A.B. about that little tie up with the Russian Mob. What I hadn't expected was to be questioned about Wolfe's whereabouts four days ago, ignored completely, and then finally sent on some little errand that also seemed to somehow also involve Wolfe.
Although I have to admit that one worried me some. I've been ordered to take Ryan to the hospital and get him checked out by a doctor. Now I may not be a CSI and have all their fancy little machines, but I can put two and two together to get four. Ryan was as Stettler put it "MIA" and now has to go to the hospital, plus the Russians are after them.
I turn a corner not really paying attention to where I'm going and I almost slam right into Delko.
"Sorry" I grunt before brushing past him.
I continue on my way to Stettler's office. I look through the glass walls, and I see Ryan sitting in the same chair I'd last seen him in except his entire body language had changed drastically. He'd gone from sagging, head in his hands, eyes glued to the floor looking like he was attempting to vanish from the fact of the earth to sitting straight backed, teeth clenched, eyes fixed unmoving on some point in space behind me. His eyes flicker to mine. His gaze haunted and burning. Seeing but not really seeing me his thoughts miles away.
What the hell happened to you?
It's eerie, how he reminds me of a trapped animal one of those tigers in the zoo that spend their days pacing the bars of their cages nowhere to go, nowhere to run, yet with a fiery determination to survive.
Out of room out of places to hide
Backed up in the corner
I know I will stay alive
I walk over to the door and place my hand on the door knob turn it and walk in. Ryan jumps, startled he was looking right at me yet he still pales when he sees me.
"You have some serious 'plaining to do," I tell him my gruff Texas accent showing through. I cringe I hadn't meant to sound so harsh.
Shame and Guilt were plain to see on his face. He looked as if he was about to go to the gallows
"What do you want?" he asked his voice cracking slightly as he seemed to deflate yet again.
"Come with me." I tell him
"Where?" he asked glancing up at me the look on his face almost broke my heart. Weariness was carved into every line of his face. His innocent, boyish look completely shattered, lying broken. A failed mask meant to protect, to hide it's wearer from the world exposing someone who had seen just how cold and cruel the world really is. A broken man who has suffered way too much for too long, even the strongest of steel has its breaking point, the most carefully constructed wall will fall, the best defensives breached.
"The hospital." I answer giving him a pointed look letting him know it's not optional.
"I'm fine." He insists stubbornly
"Apparently you're not."
"Honestly, I'm fine" he tells me the corners of his mouth twitching up into a faint mockery of a smile. Fake cheer injected into his voice so transparent.
I wasn't fooled.
"You're obviously not fine," I tell him firmly using the same voice I use with my wayward daughter "and now that I think about it you're not being honest either" he flinches at that and I don't know why endless possibilities flutter through my mind and my stomach flips just at the thought. And the truth is almost always more terrifying that any nightmare I can think off. "You're lying through your teeth."
I reached out to rest my hand on his shoulder trying to offer some small comfort, he flinched away a biting his lip a half strangled cry of pain escaping them. "Ryan! Are you okay?" I ask kneeling down by him.
"Apparently I'm not," he replied a bitter tone creeping into his voice the corners of his mouth twisting up into a smirk throwing my own words back up into my face.
I ignore the barb knowing that it's just a way to distract me. A tactical insult so to speak.
"You're going to the hospital" I tell him urgently as I reach for his arm to help him up. He shifts away from me, flinching at the sudden movement right hand flying to clutch at his ribs, shaking his head. Blood is starting to run down one side of his face as I notice that he's been biting his lip so hard to keep himself from crying out in pain his lip has split open. He notices and presses that back of his hand to the wound to stop the crimson flow.
"Wolfe," I tell him "You're going to the hospital." I hurry on before he can interrupt to say different "or I can call 9-1-1 and the hospital can come to you your choice."
"Fine" he sighs tiredly getting up staggering a little but refusing help.
"No one's judging you, you know" I tell him offhandedly watching him out of the corner of my to make sure he doesn't fall over.
"Excuse me?" he asks scrubbing at his bloody mouth with his jacket sleeve, obviously worried about his appearance, or more importantly how others perceived him. Full flight or fight mode and when you can't take flight you fight in the only way you know how.
~ (Ryan's POV) ~
I stare at him incredulously. No one's judging me? NO ONE'S JUDGING ME??! I hear a little voice in the back of my head screaming rising to a hysterical pitch as it continued to rant and rave and I caught little snatches like what the hell and how dare he and no one understands but I was ignoring it.
I've gotten good at that. Ignoring the emotional part of my brain the side that wants to scream and shout at exactly how unfair the world is and throw a tantrum like a three-year-old or beat my head up against the nearest flat surface until it was broken and bloodied.
I want to, but I don't I stay firmly in the numb unfeeling part of my mind. The part that makes me fell like I'm slowly dying inside the part that lives by logic and fact and fact and logic only.
Fact One: throwing a fit will not help me.
Fact Two: Banging my head against the wall will only give me a particularly bad headache.
Fact Three: I am slowly, but surely losing my mind
What was once a dull ache has now turned into a blinding haze of pain. An unforeseen side effect of being trapped in this room normally, and it's sad that I've excepted this as "normal" for me when every thing about this entire mess is just so…wrong, I would've snuck to my locker for some pain killers by now. Although lately I've found I've had to do that more and more often. Sometime cheating the direction on the bottle and taking more that I probably should. I know that's a bad sign. That I should be feeling better after time not worse. Time heals all right? I know I really should just go to the hospital, but if I do people will know, people will gossip. I know it's inevitable that I can't fight it but I still need feel the need to try. I don't want them to find out, what I've done, what's happened to me, I don't want them to be able to see exactly how pathetic I am.
I don't want them to know
But I can't stop it from happening
I've told the truth, the truth is out
I didn't want to but I can't run from this
I can't just pretend it hasn't happened because it has
I've got to face it I can't run
I've got to stand up to this!
I absently mindedly scrub at the blood running down the side of my face. It's not like it hasn't happened before. That first time right after it happened, countless time as I've tossed and turned tangled in my nightmares. I'm actually surprised I haven't ripped my entire lower lip to shreds. I'm surprised that no one but Calliegh has noticed till now. I'm surprised she noticed at all, because it's not like she cares about me. Confused I stop scrubbing at my lip as I notice something odd…
The world is tilting…oh…wait
I'm just falling.
I see the look of concern on Trip…Frank's face turn to panic, not the mocking face I was half expecting.
Maybe I'm not alone as I though I was
And with that the floor rushes up to meet me.
The lights are still on and I am still here there's nothing left to fear
A vision I've seen, a fire will burn no longer will I wait my turn
No one's here to light the candle
No one's here to light the way
It's something I will have to handle my way
~ (Rick's POV) ~
I spot him standing there proud and confident as he talks to BoaVista, ordering around his people as he stands in the hall way of his crime lab. That's another thing I worry about. The CSIs and lab techs are way too dependent on him. It's gotten to the point where they aren't loyal to the people of the city they protect but to him and him alone, and that's dangerous. He's already shown that he has absolutely not qualms about bending the law for his own purposes. On a couple occasions he has gone completely outside the realm of the law. We don't need cops like that. This badge is a responsibility, a promise of protection, of defending liberty as much as say… signing up for the army is. They fight wars against other countries; we fight against things much bigger, greed, hatred, disorder, chaos. The same things that are practically human nature, built into us as surely as our DNA.
And he's making a mockery of that.
In a few short angry strides I've almost reached him.
"Caine!" I say my voice ice cold and deadly.
"Not now Stettler!" he says glaring at me like it was an outrage for me to interrupt him. Like what could I possibly want that would be more important than what he is currently working on and why can't I see that? He should put his sunglasses back on. He wouldn't be so easy to read.
And there he goes. Hiding his thoughts from the world, he apparently has a lot to hide.
"Yes now Horatio," I tell him not backing down an inch
Slowly, making a great show of how unhurried he is, of how unimportant I am, he turns to face me. He brings his eyes to mine looking at me through the polarized lenses of his sun glasses.
And honestly why does he wear those?
It makes perfect sense to wear them outside or…say questioning a suspect, but talking to his comrades?
Hiding his thoughts from the people he's closest to?
And of course I don't mean me by that statement. We've never been close nothing more the enemies, and enemies through and through. I've always been the first to firmly stand against Horatio, but it slowly dawns on me that this time I'm not talking a stand against Horatio…I'm taking a stand for Wolfe and that just happens to be against Horatio.
"What Rick? What skeleton can you have possibly dragged out of the closet this time." He asks his voice taunting me daring me to even try to find flaw in him self assured that I have nothing on him.
"No skeletons." I answer calmly, professionally not letting him rattle me, refusing to play his game "Just certain…matters that have been brought to my attention."
"Really, what mat…" he starts but my phone interrupts him it's shrill ring bursting through his sneered response
I whip out my phone turning my back to him, half to take the phone call and half because I know he hates it and two can play his game.
My eyes widen in horror as I listen to the voice on the other end of the line.
I've got to open up my eyes
Find a way to kill the boredom
Watch the time go by, now its time for me to get mine.
"I'll be right there" I say to the half panicked voice on the other end of the line, but really who could blame Tripp as he so quaintly put it "How can I do anything if I don't know what's wrong with him in the first place" Paramedics were on their way, but someone had to do crowd control. Damn it'd been hoping to get all my ducks in a row before heading to the higher ups with this now the entire labs going to know.
Still in a daze I snap my phone shut. Damn it!
Briskly I start to walk off leaving Horatio behind not even a word of acknowledgement. My strides get longer the farther I get and it's all I can do to stop myself from breaking out into a full blown sprint.
"Where are you going?" he asked shocked, his hand shooting out to grab me by the elbow hard enough to leave a bruise. "You'll be right where?"
I yank my elbow from his grasp, and furiously whirl around to face him. How dare he? Can't he see that for once it is I who has something better to do? And suddenly I find that our places have been reversed.
"Contrary to popular opinion I have better things to do than try and figure out exactly what mistake you and your team are trying to cover up now." He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off "Now I've enjoyed this little chat. I'll get back to you later, good bye, good day, bueno adios, au revoir, see you later."
And with that I turned and walked off, hopefully, for the last time. I raced through the glass halls and I could hear him calling after me demanding to know where I was going. It obviously tormented him that I knew something he didn't.
In no time, yet at the same time it seemed like an eternity I finally reach my destination only to find that a small crowd has made it there before me disgusted I push my way through the crowd berating them, still trailing Horatio behind me
"WHAT ARE YOU CHILDREN!!" I yell "GET BACK TO WORK OR THERE WILL BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES! NOW DISPERSE!!"
Grumbling and muttering the crowd slowly beings to dissipate and I get my fist glance at Wolfe. The paramedics have already arrived and an oxygen mask has been placed over his face. They've ripped open his shirt and the sight holds me is horrified rapture.
Knowing what happened and seeing it are two totally different things.
Pale skin contrasted sharply with dark bruises and scabbed over cuts. Empty space where a rib should've been, a crimson trail off blood trailed down his chin dripping from behind the oxygen mask. Having finished checking the young man's vitals the paramedics began to carefully move him onto a stretcher.
Watching sadly as they began to wheel the young man from the room and out of the building, way too young, way too young to be facing something like this. Way too young to have to face something that would probably leave him haunted for the rest of his life. Turning around I was shocked to find Horatio staring after Ryan with a look on his face nothing short of horror.
"Don't act like you didn't know" the words come out before I can stop them. It's not going to help me; it's not a good tactical move. But I just can't help myself I'm angry, just so angry and so I rush on before my better judgment can stop me.
"I know for a fact that you knew he was kidnapped so the way I see it there's one or two things that could've happened here: One you knew he was hurt and you didn't care or you knew he was kidnapped by The RUSSIAN MOB and didn't managed to put two and two together. So you're either a heartless bastard, or clueless idiot which is it?"
Out of room out of places to hide
Backed up in the corner
I know I will stay alive
I could've laughed at the look on Horatio's face, if it weren't for this enormous feeling of satisfaction that won out in the end. Horatio Caine was trapped, trapped in a web of accusing stares. No where to go. No where to run. No place to escape to. Frank's stare, Natalia's stare, several officer from patrol were already stepping foreword muttering and outraged. They all knew Ryan Wolfe. Knew the kind of person he was. Rick had seen Ryan talking and joking with them. They almost certainly knew the young man better that any of lab employees.
"Well?" I ask.
"You can't possibly…" Horatio began retreating slowly, hardly noticeable, but still he was retreating he was trying to run away. Yet the stares followed him.
"Can't what Horatio? Think you abandoned him? Think that you stood by while an honest, hardworking, cop was forced to compromise everything he believes in, everything he stands for, to save the life of a child." I ask continuing in an ice cold voice taking a step foreword following him cutting off his escape.
Normally clear blue eyes flashed with panic as they sought sanctuary, just one sympathetic face amidst all the accusing stares. None was to be found. Then without warning he turned and ran. Fleeing though the hall in the opposite direction of the paramedics Running, trying to hide.
Stay alive
~ (Ryan's POV) ~
The darkness scares me, maybe it's the nail maybe I've gone blind. Then I remember the nail was years ago and if I was going to lose my sight I'd have lost it long before now. Then I realize that it's just my eyes. I try to force them open, but they won't. My thoughts come sluggishly, and my entire body fells as though it were made out of stone.
Harsh, unforgiving stone.
Slowly, slowly I get my eyelids to move upward and through the small slit of light that manages to creep past my partially open eyes I see one the warmest, most welcoming faces in the world.
Alex Woods
Soft, and motherly an aura of peace and serenity emanates from the woman channeling it. I feel my tense mussels start to relax as I begin to drop back into darkness I glace curiously around the room and I see Frank and Natalia hovering outside the door. Comforted by the fact that I am no longer alone, I drift back into a peaceful slumber knowing that when I awake I will not be alone.
No I was never alone
I just didn't know it.
.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The End
A/N: thank you to all who have reviewed. I'm glad you enjoyed this story as much as I did writing it. I'm sorry I took such a long time updating but I'm very busy with school I plan to contine work on some of my other stories, but I can not promise an update quickly just know that one is one it's way.
Thank you
~Ryanfan14