On the periphery of his consciousness, Percy heard some voices.

"THAT'S who you choose?" "Are you sure you got the right one?" "He's a little... Flabbier than I imagined." "Quit your whining. He's a jolly fine specimen! A bit of a cleanup and he'll be a devil with the ladies."

"Uuuggghhhh," Percy groaned. His eyelids opened a crack. A dozen inquisitive, wide eyed gods were looking down at him.

"Percy! Welcome. Jolly good of you to come," Apollo said brightly, giving the horizontally challenged teenager a small wave from above. "Don't mind my idiot brother," Artemis said from somewhere outside of Percy's range of vision. "He's got this genius idea of speaking in a British accent."

"Whu.. Whur am I?" Percy sputtered. His mouth tasted like iron fillings. He twisted his neck to one side. He saw a white marble floor. In between the legs and bodies of the gods crowding him, he could see the stylishly personalized benches of each god. "O-Olympus?"

"A-hah! See!" Apollo cried out. "He can recognize it! I told you he wouldn't suffer from any significant memory loss." He bent down and apologetically lifted Percy to his swaying feet. "Sorry, old sport. Teleporting a mortal isn't the most comfortable way to travel, but you made it through as I knew you would!"

Through some courtesy, all the gods had shrank themselves down to human height. Some appeared to be wearing paper hats. Apollo slung a friendly arm over Percy. "I suppose you're wondering why we brought you here," Apollo said.

"New Year's?" Percy said slowly. "Yes, it is indeed! You see, that's what started this whole thing," Apollo said cheerfully. Athena raised an eyebrow. "No it isn't. This started thousands of years ago."

"Minor details," Apollo said, waving his hand dismissively. "Anyway, we need your help-"

BOOM

A sharp clap of thunder split apart the air. Even the gods winced at the hundreds of decibels that flattened their eardrums. "We do not need any mortal's help," a soft, steady voice said. Yet it carried with it an unmistakable edge of power and authority. Percy didn't need to turn to look to know it was Zeus. The king of Olympus was the only one sitting on his throne, masterful and haughty as he looked down on them.

"But we do offer you a deal," he intoned, leaning forward and pressing his fingertips together. "Come forward, Perseus Jackson."

Percy obeyed, shivering slightly. He was distinctly aware that he was in his briefs in front of the Greek pantheon. He stepped onto the dais at the center of the U-shaped series of thrones.

"Look, whatever it is you guys want me to do, forget it. Yeah, yeah, I know. You're going to threaten me, blah blah, but I have no friends and life right now. So go ahead. If you can find something worth threatening, you can keep it. I don't care what great and ancient evil is stirring or what mad historical figure is on the prow or which powerful and terrible beast has awoken. Find someone else," Percy said.

"Likewise, you will do this for us precisely because you have no friends or life to speak of," Athena replied. "We are fully aware of the state of your life, Perseus Jackson. You uncontrollable sexual urges has sent you into a pit of despair and loneliness whose walls are so steep you cannot possibly climb out of them."

"Wow, thanks," Percy said. "Came here all the way to insult me. Har har."

"We did not come here to do that. I have some sympathy for your predicament," Zeus said with a slight wrinkle of his nose. "In fact, quite the opposite. Your life is going only down, but we offer you a way out. Not just out, but straight to the top."

He leaned forward and stared deeply into Percy with electric blue eyes. "How would you like to be king of an empire?"

Percy stared back. Then he burst out laughing. "Sure, sure. King of Atlantis, perhaps. Did my half-brother choke to death on a plastic bag?" "He said empire, Mister Jackson. Atlantis is a kingdom. An empire spans many kingdoms," Athena corrected. Percy's eyes went wide. They swiveled madly across the room, as if he were watching a sped up replay of a Wimbledon tennis match. He tried to see if anyone was smiling. They weren't - all of their faces showed no sighs of humor.

"Wait, you guys are serious? You're just handing me an empire? Is there even an empire today?" Percy exclaimed in shock.

Zeus snapped his finger. In the center of the room and right in front of Percy, a bubble of light opened up. Percy gasped as he saw what was inside.

"Behold Ancient Egypt, Perseus Jackson," Zeus said in grave tones as bubble swept in a bird's eye view over a landscape. In it, wonders flew past like ticker tape - vast empires, tall elegant spires, perfectly angled pyramids, vast armies marching across the desert, great libraries overflowing with knowledge. "A great and noble civilization that precludes even ours. And the answer is yes, there is one single empire left. This. Ancient Egypt never fell, it simply moved underground."

He snapped his fingers and a series of pictures flashed across the screen. Icons. Landmarks. Buildings. He recognized a few. St Petersburg. The Sphinx. Shibuya Station. On all of them, a discreet marking - a cross, except the top line was a loop like a knot.

"Here's the catch, Perseus Jackson. You're not going to get an empire. You're going to take one," Athena said. "This one."

"Its remnants span the globe. It's reach exceeds even ours. Gotta admire the sandal wearin' bastards. They got ambition, and they got power," Ares grunted in an exceedingly rare tone of respect.

"What? I met a couple of them, but I didn't think -" Percy exclaimed.

"Here's the lowdown, kid. We're small fry compared to these guys. They got tens of thousands of guys round the world," Ares said. "And we've got what, Jupiter and Half-Blood? Coupla dozen teenagers runnin' round with magic swords. But the Ancient Egyptians? They're the real stuff. Train for decades. Professionals." He lowered his glasses and in his sockets were two blazing orbs like a never ending chain of dynamite. "They're friggin' god-hunters."

"Most of the modern world think Egypt fell to Ptolemy, but it never truly did. Mortal historians with their petty, narrow minds think just because Alexander invaded them that they fell," Athena said. "That jerkass Ptolemy started worshiping their gods. Didn't give us a shred of belief!" Ares roared angrily. "Yes. Egypt didn't get invaded, it simply absorbed more people. Ptolemy was so awed by the Egyptian pantheon he converted," Athena continued.

"So just attack them. What's the big deal?" Percy asked.

"Boy, didn't you hear anything we just said? We've been trying to conquer Egypt for millennia, boy. Do you know how long that is?" Ares scowled angrily. "A hundred nations rose and fell in that time. But, as much as I hate to say it, we don't have the manpower. They outnumber us a hundred to one."

Athena nodded. "Or the science. The Ancient Egyptians wrote the very fundamental texts on science a thousand years before us. Chariots, bows, astronomy, chemistry... And they've only gotten better since then."

"Or the weapons. Great craftsmen, those Egyptians. Could do things with a bit of copper and iron that would make the Cyclopes sit down and take notes," Hephaestus said thoughtfully, stroking his beard.

"Or the magic. They're all bloody magicians. All of them!" Hecate hissed. "We have one Oracle - but it's a freaking career choice for them! And don't even get me started on their path of gods stuff. You pray to us to help you, but they bloody merge with the gods like they're putting on shoes!"

"But what are you expecting me to do about it!" Percy exclaimed, stamping his feet. "I couldn't even stay in college! I can't conquer them even if you gave me an army!"

"True. But you see, Apollo came to us with an idea," Zeus explained. "He suggested that it was possible to take Egypt without a direct confrontation." Percy crossed his arms. "What are you going to do, ask them nicely for it?"

The gods stared at Percy. He twisted his body around, looking for a response. All he got was silence. "Funny you should mention that. Yes, something like that," Hephaestus said. "You see, Apollo has come to us with the most ingenious plan, one which you are uniquely suited out to carrying."

Zeus snapped his fingers. A servant nymph walked in, carrying a small polished oak box inlaid with gold filigree. Another followed with a round marble stand. The marble stand was placed in front of Percy, and the box reverently set on its cold surface.

"Did you ever hear of Pandora's box? I suppose the name applies here now. Pandora meant all-gifted, for she received blessings from each of us. And what is inside the box is of the same mold. It is a product of all of us," Hephaestus explained. "Possibly the key to Egypt."

"A weapon of unparalleled destructive capability," Ares added.

"A marvel of science and magic," Athena said.

"Which may very well win us this three thousand year battle with Egypt," Zeus said with great gravity and sobriety. "And our gift to you."

"Well, open it already, old sport!" Apollo happily said. Percy very carefully and very gingerly held the lid. What was it, he thought. A magic bomb? A miniature Master Bolt? Some kind of super ambrosia that would turn him into a super solider? A pen-sword like Riptide, but it could level mountains?

He lifted the lid off.