Yo, what's up, keep reading, GOODBYE.

'What's going on here?' Uglay Jackass demanded.

Nica and I grinned at each other, not wasting breath on explanations. Nica pulled out her cricket set and got two bats out.

'One for me and one for you!' Nica grinned.

'This is gonna be fun!' I cackled, grabbing one of the bats.

'OY JACKASS, WANNA PLAY CRICKET???!!!?!?!?' Nica yelled.

'Uhhhhh, I don't think-

'We're the batters,' Nica cut across him. 'You can bowl.'

'Where's the ball?' Jack asked, bewildered.

'Your head is the ball!!!!' I shouted.

We charged at Jackass, bats held high...

SMASH!!! BANG!!!! BOOM!!

'AHHHH!!!!' Jack screamed. He fell backwards on his ARSE and screamed a bit more.

'YOU STUPID MOLE!!!' I shouted at him. 'I WANTED A SIX!!!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!'

'Hah!' Nica said. 'I bet I can hit him further than you!'

'What?!' Jack howled.

Sawyer and Boone shrugged at each other and ran to join in the fun. Because Sawyer was the strongest, he bowled Jackass to us, and we smashed him up a bit. Eventually, we changed the rules so that whoever hurt Jack the most won. Luckily my extreme hatred for Jack fueled my muscles and I won, making him scream the loudest.

After we'd had our fun with Saint Jack/Jackerie/Jackass/Jackblack/ Jack-insert-name-of-humorous-gag-here we went back to their camp and introduced ourselves to the rest of the Losties. Things were going well, and we clicked straight away with Ana-Lucia, Kate and Libby. But just when we were getting into "Hawt guy discussions," Locke came along.

'Hey, how ya doin?' I asked Locke.

'Who are you?' Locko asked.

'BALLDDD!!' Nica screamed.

The sun reflected off his bald head and shone into my eyes, blinding me.

'THE BALDNESS!!!! IT'S BURNING MY EYES!!!!!' I screamed.

We attacked him and shoved his head into dog crap that Vincent conveniently crapped there earlier that day. That took the shine out of his bald head.

'He has hair now!' Nica said proudly.

'Yeah, DOG CRAP!!!!' I screamed.

We slapped each other a high five, and ran away before he could attack us. I went looking for my video camera, and Nica decided to pester Eko.

'So, Wilbur,' she began.

'My name isn't WILBUR,' he said suspiciously. 'It's Eko.'

'No, it's Wilbur,' she insisted.

'My name isn't Wilbur!' he shouted.

'It is now,' she growled.

Something about her tone of voice told Eko that he'd end up with her foot in his ass if he didn't shut up, so he quickly busied himself chopping wood.

'Who are you anyway?' he asked in mid-chop, careful that his bum was out of the firing range if she decided to turn violent.

She didn't. Instead she just stared at him curiously.

'Why do you always take your shirt off?'

'What?'

'You heard me. I mean, it's a bit strange, seeing as you haven't got pecs or a decent beard.'

'WHAT?!'

' 'Cos, really, I think you're heading more in the way of man-boobs than manly-man muscles.' she said.

Eko was starting to get mad now.

'I could make you a man-bra if you want,' she offered.

Eko snapped. Picking up his axe, he swung it at her and roared.

'Calm down Wilbur! I know admitting that you have a weight problem is hard, but you could join my weight loss club! I've already made Hurley join! Forcibly!' She took off down the beach. 'FORCIBLY!!!'

I was busy filming Locke to make a documentary on "When bald people attack" when Nica charged down the beach at me and hid behind Boone. Eko burst out of the bushes and groared at us a bit.

'What'd you do this time?' I demanded.

'Nuffin,' she said unconvincingly.

I pelted some of Vincent's crap at Eko, but that, if anything, seemed to make him angrier.

'Throw harder!' I shouted

'Captain! We're all out of ammo!' Nica shouted, showing me a very pooped-out Vincent.

'Crud... RETREAT!!!!' I shouted. I leapt on Sawyer's back and kicked him. 'Run Sawyer! RUN!!!!'

Nica did likewise on Boone, and we both sprinted off down the beach... or rather, our hot guys did. We selected a suitable hiding spot that was free from any marauding fatties and discussed some plans.

'It must be all that fat making him angry... Locke's a bit tubby too, and he tried to kill me just because I shoved his head into dog crap and filmed the aftermath. I mean, that's no reason to go spastic!' I said.

Sawyer and Boone snorted derisively, but we ignored them.

'We're going to have to put this weight loss club into action,' Nica said seriously.

I nodded. 'That's gonna be fun...' I grinned.

Yep! That's right, next chapter we're going to do a weight loss club, and it sounds bloody awesome too! I think I might have been a bit tough on poor old Eko though-

Nica: It's Wilbur now.

Me: Uh, okay, Wilbur, but it needed to be said. So anyway-

Nica: Wilbur SUX:D

Me: STOP INTERRUPTING!!

Nica: Make me.

Me: YOU'RE EMBARRASING ME IN FRONT OF THE READERS!!!!

Nica: You think this is embarrasing? Do you remember that time you blew your nose and-

Me: GIMME THAT KEYBOARD!!!!!

(scuffling noises)

Nica: It went-all over- aaarg!!!!!

Me: R&R!!!!! DIE!!!!!! BETRAYER!!!!!!!