A/N: As I said before, I'll be updating this whenever the mood strikes me for some humor. Also, these chapters are in no particular order. They all fall within the same universe, but that's really it. It'll jump around in the timeline, so I'll try to make sure it's clear when it's happening.

Just to make things easier, this is the year before Jackal and Lucy meet.

I was going to wait and post this on Valentine's Day, but... I can't sit on it anymore! Even though I literally just finished writing it... Still! I want you to have this!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

One of the many horrible things about the coffee shop, in Erik's opinion, was the need for it to be open on Valentine's Day. He secretly loved the holiday, just not the hearts and flowers and the shitty little lovebirds that couldn't understand how fucking stupid it was to get coffee together as their date. It meant he had to work, or… Well, he had to be there to keep things running smoothly, because the old bat that actually owned the place refused to show up when she had a date.

That, in and of itself, killed him inside. Almost as much as watching Lucy getting all googly-eyed when she saw that Sting was working over the last three months. He didn't like it one bit, considering the blonde had the worst fucking luck with men. They either ended up being gay, they hit her - which had resulted in the four men at the shop that took her in as their sister, plus her actual brother, breaking quite of few of the piss-ants' bones - they cheated, or they just weren't a good fit. Like Gajeel. Those two had dated for a total of three days before realizing it was weird as hell, and they were better as friends.

So, when it became glaringly obvious that Lucy wasn't merely experiencing a little crush on the newest employee, Erik had resigned himself to killing the fucker if he ever hurt her. But now, it was Valentine's Day. Sting was off work, having requested the day off a month in advance, and Lucy was moping in the corner of the shop. Bickslow had been putting a little bug in her ear about how maybe Sting wanted to do something special, and damn him for that. It hurt to see her looking so damn sad as she sipped at her way too strong frap, typing on her laptop.

Three hours in, he couldn't stand it any longer. All the guys knew that Lucy wanted space when she was upset, but they still each went over at some point - Natsu, Bickslow, and Gajeel, that is - to see if she needed anything. Now, it was Erik's turn. He went from grabbing more lids from the back room to moving on a direct path to the blonde when he picked up a nearly silent sniffle from her table. No way was he going to let her cry. Over his dead fucking body, if he could help it.

"Hey," Erik whispered as he settled himself in a chair next to the blonde. "Don't fall too far down the rabbit hole, Alice."

Lucy gave him a weak smile, resting her head on his shoulder. She let out a sigh as his arm wound around her and pulled her just a little closer. "No rabbit holes tonight."

"Working on your book?"

"Yeah…"

Erik frowned as he glanced at the text on the screen. He quickly skimmed it, already knowing that he was the only one that got away with it to begin with. "Wait, they're breaking up? What happened?"

Lucy sighed again. "I don't know. I'm thinking of scrapping it…"

"You're seven chapters in, Alice. Just… Try another angle."

"What's the point?" she grumbled. "It was a stupid idea to begin with. I'm not even into that stuff, so how could I possibly write something that's realistic about it?"

"Research," he whispered. "Asking around. Talking to people that do it. More research. You know that."

"It's hopeless."

"Why did they break up?"

"They grew apart. Anton found out that Mitch had another sub, and got upset. Now, they're… Well, they're splitting up for good."

"What brought this on?" Erik asked carefully. He knew the plot of the story, and this wasn't part of it. The two male characters were supposed to have some sort of drama that nearly tore them apart, but they would get through it. "And before you say 'nothing', remember… I can hear your soul."

Lucy smirked and shook her head. "No, you can't."

"No," he chuckled. "But I know when you're keeping secrets. So tell Big Brother Coby who needs a good kick in the fucking mouth."

"That's just it," she sighed. "There's no one… I'm always alone on Valentine's Day… I just… I thought maybe…"

"You thought Sting would ask you out?"

She nodded and cuddled closer to him, although there really wasn't much more she could do without their bodies just merging together. "Maybe he's not into me… And, you did warn me. It was stupid to get my hopes up…"

"It wasn't stupid," he sighed. "Bix is just a dick for putting that shit in your head. I could poison him…"

"Erik…"

"Not Sting. Bix."

Lucy giggled at that. "If he dies then you have to hire someone. I know you hate hiring people."

"So I won't kill him," Erik grinned. "I'll just make him incredibly ill."

"How?"

"By taking my jizz and flash freezing individual drops of it so it looks like caviar. Then mixing it into those puppy shit things he likes to eat all the time."

"Hush puppies?" Lucy smiled, rolling her eyes and looking up into his single indigo eye.

He swiped his thumb across her cheek when he saw that a couple tears had trickled down. "Right," he whispered. "Force feed him semen puppies. And tell him just what he's eating. How does that sound?"

A bright peal of laughter filled the air, making each of the employees pause in what they were doing to smile over at the blonde. It wasn't strange for any of them to see her wrapped in Erik's arms, or how he would smile at her. The other customers, at least the regulars, were used to it as well. Everyone else actually stopped what they were doing as they watched the overly grumpy manager grin with an alarming amount of tenderness in his single eye as his forehead pressed to the blonde's.

"Thanks, Coby," Lucy whispered. "I needed that."

"Any time, Tinkerbell." He glanced at the screen again. "Take what you wrote and put it to the side. Might work for something else."

She nodded, but didn't move. It was far too comforting being in her big brother's arms. "Well, I'm dateless, as always, but why are you here? Don't you and Laxus have plans?"

He pouted, though he would never admit it, and looked away. "We broke up… Again."

Lucy well and truly scowled at that. Her older brother was a total sweetheart, except when it came to his affections for Erik. He had a hard time accepting that the maroon-haired man was the one for him, which left Erik waiting in the wings for the blond to come around. Over and over again. "I love him, but he's an idiot."

"It's fine," Erik sighed, giving her a tight smile. "Just means I get to be here with you, right?"

She couldn't help but sigh at the saddened look in his eye. Erik might have only had the one, but it didn't hinder him from letting the ones he cared about see just how he felt. He had spent all of high school pining over Laxus. Then all through Laxus' college career - that lasted a total of two years before he quit - and then they finally hooked up at a party. Back and forth, they were on and off for a total of a year by then. One month, they were fine, and then not. And every time, Lucy would end up being the one that talked to Laxus and found out he was just freaked out. "He loves you," she whispered, pulling his head to her shoulder. "You know that, right?"

"Sure as hell doesn't feel like it," he sighed with a shake of his head. "I love him too, but I can't keep doing this shit."

"Then don't take him back." When Erik pulled back sharply, she shook her head. "Show my mule of a brother that it can't keep going like this. I don't care how sexy of a couple you two are. He's hurting you, and he won't stop until you do to him what you do to everyone else."

"Do what?" he asked helplessly.

Lucy gave him a devilish grin, one that was very reminiscent of another Laxus' - considering he was the one she'd picked it up from. "Rub his face in the mistake he made. Make him feel like total shit for it. Unless Laxus realizes that you're not just gonna wait around for him forever, he'll keep it up, because he thinks you're okay with it. Even though I've told him enough times that it's fucked up."

"But…"

"Nope. None of that." Lucy brushed her nose back and forth over his, giggling as he blushed. "I want you to treat my brother like total shit, and he can see how he's made you feel for years."

"He'll give up, Bright Eyes," Erik sighed in resignation. "I'll lose him for good."

"Then so be it. If he doesn't come crawling back in a month, I'll go out with you."

"I'm gay," he laughed. "You're beautiful, but you just don't do it for me."

Lucy shrugged and kissed his nose. "But you love me all the same, and we can cuddle all you want." It was no secret to her that Erik was a cuddler. Every time this happened, he would end up at her house, cuddled up with her on the couch - and then in bed when they went to sleep after binge-watching horror movies. "You'll be the best boyfriend I've ever had."

"That's pretty fuckin' pathetic. But, I've seen the dumbasses you go for," Erik chuckled quietly, then finally nodded. "Fine. Let's give him two months though. Your brother is a bit of a fucking dumbass sometimes."

"It's a deal." With a devious grin, Lucy leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. It took everything in her not to laugh when he went rigid, but that only lasted a moment before he was hesitantly kissing her back. It was weird, to say the least, and only lasted for a few seconds, but that was enough. "You're adorable when you're blushing," she giggled.

"Shut it," he muttered. "You threw me off."

Lucy shrugged and looked over his shoulder with a sly grin. "Hey, Laxus."

"What…" Erik slowly turned, his eye wide as he took in the shocked expression on his former boyfriend's face. "L-Laxus…" The sight of the muscular blond wearing dark slacks and the deep red shirt he loved to see had his breath coming to a crashing halt. Just like it always did when he saw the man. "It's not what-"

"Wow. Just… Wow." Laxus scowled and looked from Erik to his sister, his eyes narrowing when she simply grinned. "Less than a fucking day, and this shit? My fucking sister?"

"I…"

Lucy's brow pushed together. "You broke up with him this morning?" When Laxus looked away, crossing his arms over his chest, she shook her head. "You don't deserve him, Laxus. Breaking up on fucking Valentine's Day? Seriously?"

"I didn't realize what day it was," he muttered. A sneer curled his lip. "Even still. Erik, you're always talking about how I'm the only one, so what the fuck?"

"I-I…" Erik was frozen. The one time he needed to get his head out of his ass and just talk it out with the man, he couldn't. If it was anyone else, he would have been able to tear them a new one in seconds. But this was Laxus.

"What should it matter to you?" Lucy spat. "You left him. Again. On the one day you're supposed to show him you really care. So, guess what? I'm gonna show him what it's like for someone to really love him and not just pretend so they can get their rocks off whenever the mood strikes."

Erik's eye was wide when he was forcefully turned in place and Lucy's lips were on his again. There was zero in the way of attraction where she was concerned. He just wasn't into women, and he'd known that for a while. Still, it didn't take a genius to see what Lucy was doing. Rubbing in Laxus' face just what he'd let go.

Lucy shifted when Erik's hand trailed up the column of her throat and his fingers sifted through her hair, pulling her closer as he licked at her lips. Her lips parted, and a sharp inhale followed as his tongue darted into her mouth, and she could honestly say her brother was a fucking idiot. Erik could kiss, goddamnit. There might not have been sparks and fireworks and a flood between her legs, but she could definitely appreciate the fact that he knew what the hell he was doing.

Erik's ears twitched slightly when he heard the door to the shop slamming closed, and he pulled back with a small nip to Lucy's swollen lips as their eyes opened. "He's gone… Right?"

She looked around, noticing how Bickslow was pouring hot coffee on the floor and completely missing the cup in his other hand, how Gajeel was holding someone's credit card poised above the machine, and how Natsu was holding the trash bag halfway out with old coffee leaking onto his shirt while all three stared at the two of them, mouths gaping. After another quick glance, she shook her head in anger. "He's gone."

Erik let out a heavy sigh and pulled the blonde into a tight hug. "I sure as hell hope you know what you're doing," he whispered into her hair.

"I do. He'll be pissed for a week or so, then he'll get all broody and blow up my phone to bitch at me. It'll all work out though, you'll see."

"If not," Erik smirked. "I get to date you."

"Yep," she laughed. "Speaking of which, where the hell did you learn how to kiss like that?"

"... The internet."

"Oh my god…"

"Shut up, Alice."

"If you weren't like a brother to me, I would have ripped off my clothes."

"If you had a dick, I probably would have done the same thing," he chuckled. He squeezed her lightly, then pulled back and grinned darkly. "Get back to work, you fucking idiots!"

There was a collective 'Eep!' that came from the three other employees, and Lucy found herself laughing. "Adorable. You should get back to work, too."

Erik shrugged and pulled away to stand. "Probably. You staying until close again?"

Lucy nodded. "Nothing better to do."

"Movies at your place?" he asked a little more softly.

Lucy looked up at his face, seeing the sadness she knew he was trying to hide flash across it for the briefest of moments. "It's a date," she said with a tender smile.

Erik huffed and rolled his eye, then leaned down and kissed her cheek the same way he always did. "Happy Valentine's Day, beautiful."

Lucy blushed. "Happy Valentine's Day, handsome. Have Bix get me another coffee? I'm almost done." She watched as he nodded and made his way back behind the counter. The strange looks she was getting from a few of the other patrons really didn't faze her, and she simply turned back to her laptop to copy the utter shit that was her depressed writing into a separate document for later. Maybe it would really come in handy.

After a couple minutes, Lucy looked up when a fresh cup was set down on the table next to her empty one. "Hey, Bix."

Bickslow shook his head and sat down where Erik had been, then just stared at the blonde for a solid minute while she turned back to her work. "What the hell, Cosplayer?"

"You mean Laxus?"

"Well, more like you making out with Cobra, but yeah. What the fuck?"

"They broke up again," Lucy sighed. She frowned and closed her laptop after saving everything, then took a sip of her drink as she turned to the blue-and-black-haired man. "We're teaching my brother a lesson."

"By breaking his damn heart?" Bickslow leaned forward and wrapped his lips around her straw, pulling a good bit of the overly sweet coffee into his mouth. "You guys didn't see him, since you were too busy sucking face… He's… I've never seen Laxus like that."

"Bix, I get that you're his best friend," she sighed heavily. "But he needs to just sac up and admit that he wants to be with Erik, instead of just dragging him along. It's not right."

"And how does you making out with the guy fix any of that shit?"

"Because-"

"Lucy, I called him this morning after Cobra came into work nearly in fucking tears. It's pretty easy to tell when they're having issues. Laxus told me he was gonna fix it, since he didn't even realize what day it was when he called it off."

"That's really not the point," Lucy scowled. "He does this all the time, and it's high time he realized that it's messed up. All he's doing is hurting Erik more and more. How long do you think it'll be before he starts resenting Laxus?"

"I don't know."

"Exactly. There's only so much of that shit someone can take." She paused and watched as Erik slapped Natsu in the back of the head with a clipboard, then smiled softly. "I'm just trying to help them."

"Looked like something completely different," Bickslow muttered.

"That's what it was supposed to look like. Trust me, Erik doesn't do a thing for me. He's as much a brother as you, Natsu, Gajeel, and Laxus are."

"That's incest," Bickslow laughed. "You know that, right?"

"Tamashi, I will beat you to death with a fucking blender if you don't quit your goddamn Chatty Cathy shit!" Erik bellowed, throwing a roll of paper towels directly at the man and grinning when he yelped. "Back to work! This floor is stickier than a hooker's cunt at dawn!"

Bickslow shuddered and quickly kissed Lucy's cheek before rushing off, all while she cracked up and dropped her head to the table. "Oh my god!" she cackled. "Erik, that's vile!"

And there's my little Valentine's Day doodly. I know, not what you guys were expecting in the slightest. Sorry that there wasn't any Jackal in this chapter, but I got this idea and just went with it. And yes, this chapter has a purpose. The events surrounding it will be brought up later. I might even do one that has the result of Lucy's little plan concerning LaxCo.

OH! And the 'semen puppies' was actually inspired by my brother-in-law coming to visit. Needless to say, the day we tried ordering through a drive-thru was utterly hilarious. As was the ride back to the house, discussing just how these jizzy hush puppies would be constructed. I nearly crashed the car, I was laughing so hard. I never said my family was normal lol.

So! Review, Follow, Favorite! I love you, guys!

~~GemNika