Chapter Two: A Spoonful of Alcohol helps the confusion go down.

The table was silent as Hiccup processed the thought of being married to Astrid.

He then remembered her mother was talking to him and responded.

"Hello, Mrs. Hofferson."

Hiccup waved to the lady who had long red pigtails and wore feces smeared overalls.

"Oh, please Hiccup, call me 'Taylor Swift Scout Finch Abernathy Sandy Cheeks Corn the Fifteenth!"

Hiccup looked puzzled and there was a long, awkward pause.

"Okay. I'll just call you Mrs. Hofferson."

"That works too!"

Hiccup began to squirm as the subject of marriage made him ask the question again to Astrid's father.

"Sir, I, um. I know this sounds strange but I never really had it in mind."

Her father pounded his fist on the table.

"Are you saying my daughter wont make a fine wife for you?"

"No! NO! That's not what I meant…"

"Okay then, weddings on! Tomorrow!"

Hiccup near whimpered as Astrid grabbed his arm.

"And you BETTER put out this time!"

"Oh, Odin."

Hiccup resented it but ran outside and went to the chief, his father.

He needed some advice, and fast.

He made an effort to stay out of the way of Berk's Bitches. They had gang wars at night with the Drag Queen Dragons.

He shuddered. And he knew how bad gang wars could get!

He ran up the stairs…fell…ran again…fell…crawled…fell…went back 200 steps…cried…ran…fell down 250 steps and…reached the top!

Stoick was waiting with open arms to the boy.

"Congratulations!"

"No! DAD! I don't want to marry Astrid, she punches me, drugs my food, treats me like a sex slave! It's all because of the guidettes all around town these days! As chief, you must make them go!"

"Son. I cant do that!"

"Why, is it because you feel a soft spot for those under the spotlight who may come from troubled backgrounds and responsibility?"

"HELL NO! Those Jersey Shore people bring in a lot of trade! Pickle stocks are up 50% this month!"

Hiccup sighed.

"So I mean less than pickles to you?""Erm…um…yes."

"Dad, I cant get married!"

"It has been arranged! Plus they are paying me to take her! Paying me thirty seven hundred carrots!"

Hiccup wondered what his father's weird obsessions with vegetables are about.

He wandered aimlessly down the stairs and went to his room.

They were going to get married, they were expected to have kids! No! This was too much.

He sat atop his bed.

"I could really use a wish right now…wish right now…wish right now…"

He paused.

Oh, yeah. The hooker fairy was dead!

Crap!He needed to call someone, run away, do something…

He peered out the window and jumped back, to utter surprise and heart convulsions as Snooki was staring at him right through the hole.

"AHHH!"

He fell to the floor.

"Hey! Stick man!"

She climbed through the window covered in butter, as she was very fat and could only fit through tight spaces when lathered in butter…plus she liked butter.

"I hear your getting married to my home girl Astrid tomorrow!"

"Um…actually I was hoping you could help me get outta it!"

"Uh uh, oh no! Once you get married, she wont be there to treat me like a dog anymore! Do you know how bad it is to want pickles, I mean, truly need them, and then have her eat them in front of you! DO YOU KNOW!"

Hiccup smiled in a scared manner.

"N-no."

"OF COURSE NOT!"

She flew out the window hang gliding on her poof.

"See ya later, straw man!"

"WHY do you keep calling me small things?"

As she trailed off into the moon, Snooki responded.

"Because you have a small disco stick!"

Hiccup laughed.

He didn't like disco.

He fell asleep and realized his efforts were no use. Marriage, was…inevitable. He sat and dreamed about what it would be like if Astrid wasn't influenced by Jersey Shore anymore, if she was just, regular Astrid.

He cringed.

Because that would suck, too.

The next day was warm and welcoming but not to Hiccup. He was putting on his special new wedding outfit…a large fur coat that was white with many pockets all filled with beads…yeah…I don't get it either.

He waited at the alter for his…erm…lovely bride in fear.

All her bridesmaids were guidettes.

She went up to the alter and grabbed his by the balls.

"Why?"

Suddenly the priest dude began to speak.

He said a bunch of rhymes, did a little dance and then pronounced them husband and wife.

He kissed Astrid, well more like she kissed him…violently.

Before he could get to the mead hall for the reception she dragged him to their "Honeymoon."

More like hell.

She pulled him to the bed and began to remove his clothes. Pressing her lightly hairy chin to his smooth baby face.

"Call me a lumberjack." She whispered.

"What?"

"You heard me…lumberjacks make me horny."

"What the hell?"

Hiccup was scared.

"Um…you're a lumberjack."

She let out an evil laugh and pulled down his pants.

This was uncomfortable.

She forced him to get a boner and had…sex? Sex, more like…rape.

Either way, it was uncomfortable.

At the end, she spoke out to him.

"Hiccup, I, I. I don't want to be a guidette anymore."

Hiccup smiled.

Old Astrid was back…and that meant…punches…but no more poof!

The next day was good.

The guidettes were evacuated.

Due to some…horrible…horrible events including Chips that I don't even want to get into.

Long story short, Stoick had a problem with vegetables and…potatoes cant be messed with.

So, all was well…but not for long.