INT. LABORATORY – DAY
While working on his latest invention, something that looks like a Borg cube, Professor Farnsworth reaches for a nearby screwdriver. Amy snatches it up before he can grab it.
AMY
I can do it, Professor. Just tell me what you need tightened. I can't make heads or tails of what this thing even is.
FARNSWORTH
I don't need you to do it. I can do it myself.
AMY
Aw, of course you can. But let me do it.
FARNSWORTH
Fine. There and there. Then move that plate to there. And attach that arm here.
While Amy works, Farnsworth reaches for his lunch; a nice steak. Hermes grabs it before he can.
HERMES
Here, Professor. Why don't you let me chew that up for you?
Hermes chews it and then spits the chum back onto the plate.
FARNSWORTH
Dammit, I have teeth. They aren't my teeth, but I have them.
Farnsworth sniffles, then pulls out a handkerchief from his jacket pocket. Before he can move it to his nose, Scruffy steps in from behind him with a different handkerchief and places it against the Professor's nose.
SCRUFFY
Blow.
The doorbell rings.
FARNSWORTH
I'll get it.
HERMES
Do you want me to g-
FARNSWORTH
No, I don't want you to get it! Anything to get away from you people for five seconds.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS FRONT DOOR
Farnsworth approaches the front door, but Leela races to get it first.
LEELA
I'll get it. Don't worry, Professor. Why don't you go take a nap.
FARNSWORTH
You go take a nap.
Farnsworth pulls a laser shotgun on her.
LEELA
Professor, what are you...
FARNSWORTH
That is my door.
The doorbell rings again.
FARNSWORTH
And that is my doorbell. And this is my building and my shotgun pointed at your face. And whomever is at the door is most likely here to see me. Now, back away so I can see who it is.
Leela calmly backs away from the door. Satisfied, Farnsworth puts the gun back in his jacket and opens the door. Behind it is a crazed mob of hundreds of angry robots carrying torches. He slams the door shut.
FARNSWORTH
Um... it's for you.
He runs and hides behind the umbrella stand.
Leela opens the door.
KILLERBOT 1
Is Dr. Zoidberg here?
LEELA
No, sorry, he didn't come to work today.
KILLERBOT 1
Oh. We were just asking because we were gonna kill him and then eat him.
LEELA
Why would you eat him? You're robots. You don't need food.
KILLERBOT 5
The eating him part is really a secondary objective to the murdering him part.
LEELA
There's a hole in your story is all I'm saying.
KILLERBOT 1
If you see him, could you give him our card and tell him to call us?
Killerbot 1 hands Leela a business card with a photoshopped picture of Zoidberg's dead body roasting on a spit. The text over it reads "You're Gonna Die". On the flip side is their phone number "555-BADLY".
LEELA
I'll be sure to let him know you're looking for him.
KILLERBOT 1
Thanks, hun. Okay, everyone, let's try the next one over.
KILLERBOT 5
She was sweet.
She closes the door.
LEELA
Where is Zoidberg, anyway? I haven't seen him in days.
FARNSWORTH
With all the robots out to kill him, I sent him somewhere no one will ever notice him or pay him any attention.
INT. FAMILY GUY LIVING ROOM
Zoidberg's dressed in Meg's clothes. He looks at the camera.
ZOIDBERG
I'm Meg now.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS LIVING AREA – DAY
Bender, wearing an old lady's robe, peers out the window at the angry mob of robots. He fights back tears and slinks over to the couch, where he knits a sweater and periodically pets a softly cooing Nibbler.
Farnsworth and Leela enter.
LEELA
Where are you going, Professor? Can I help you get something?
Farnsworth pulls the gun on her again.
FARNSWORTH
I'm going to the bathroom. You want to hold it for me?
LEELA
Or I could just stay here.
BENDER
Shh, you two, I'm trying to watch the news.
The Professor leaves for the bathroom.
LEELA
The news? It's the middle of the day and you're not watching ultra-porn? You're really taking Mom's death hard, aren't you?
ON THE TELEVISION: Morbo interviews Hattie McDoogal inside her home. She holds her cat in her lap. A title card at the bottom of the screen reads "Help Me, Morbo".
HATTIE
So, I open up the can and inside is this dead mouse. I complained to the who's his name at the five and ten, but he said I need to take it up with the manufacturer, MomCorp. Help me, Moron.
MORBO
For the last time, ma'am, my name is Morbo. Get it wrong again and I will destroy you.
ON THE COUCH:
BENDER
Look at that, a dead animal in the cat's food. But is any angry robot mob out to destroy MomCorp? No justice for the little guy.
LEELA
Since when do you care about the little guy?
Fry crashes through the window on a hoverboard. He picks himself up and plops down on the couch.
FRY
Did I miss any All My Circuits? Did they reveal who killed Calculon Jr. the Seventh?
BENDER
Fry, you ignorant slut, how can you be so reckless? You could have gotten yourself killed, or worse, someone else. You need to slow down and be more careful.
FRY
Why do I have to be careful? I'm not old.
Fry reaches down into the fridge that's built into the couch. He pulls out the last can of Slurm from what once was a six pack. He opens the can by ripping the pop top off with his teeth. He also removes the six plastic rings and throws it on the ground for Nibbler.
FRY
There you go, boy. New toy for you.
Nibbler immediately grabs the plastic rings to play and gets his neck caught. He chokes and gasps for air.
LEELA
Bender has a point, Fry.
FRY
I know. It's on top of his head. We can all see it.
LEELA
No, you jackass. I mean about being careful. Suppose the Professor was standing by that window, yelling at the kids from across the street to get off his lawn, or some other cliché old person thing. Didn't you learn anything from the track?
FRY
Of course, I did. I learned that life is short, so you should live it to the fullest while you still can.
Fry settles into the couch, burps from the soda, and puts his feet up on the coffee table.
FRY
Hey, what gives? This isn't All My Circuits.
ON THE TELEVISION: A "Breaking News" titlecard cuts in. Linda reports with Walt's head superimposed to her left.
LINDA
We interrupt the news to bring you this breaking news. Another day, another hostile takeover by MomCorp, who today tightened its stranglehold on the doggy diaper industry by buying up "Little Dumpers, Inc.".
NEWS VIDEO: Former employees of Little Dumpers cry as the store is bulldozed. The giant diaper wearing puppy on top of the building crashes so that its hind leg is up in the air. Exposed pipes shoot water from under the dog's leg onto the former employees.
LINDA
This is the third doggy diaper business bought up by MomCorp since Mom's oldest son Walt took over shortly after her death, leading some to question whether or not MomCorp is in violation of bankruptcy legislation.
NEWS VIDEO: Senator Al Franken's Head addresses a large crowd.
AL FRANKEN'S HEAD
Consumers rely on doggy diapers to keep their shoes free of puppy poopy and peepee, but a lack of competition in the industry harms consumers and drives up prices. That's why I vow to lead a Senate committee to bust up the MomCorp Mom-nopoly!
A second "Breaking News" title card plays.
Morbo reports with a half-naked seductive picture of Walt over his right shoulder.
MORBO
We interrupt the breaking news that interrupted the news to bring you this breaking-ier news. In response to Senator Franken's threat to bust up MomCorp, new CEO Walt met with President Nixon to discuss terms of a settlement.
NEW VIDEO: President Nixon and Walt at the White House.
NIXON
My fellow Earthicans, I am proud to announce that we have reached an agreement for MomCorp to pay off all of Earth's debt. For the first time in over one thousand years, we are officially debt free!
WALT
Of course, this now means that MomCorp owns the planet... You're all fired. Pack up your things and be gone by end of business.
PLANET EXPRESS LIVING AREA: The Planet Express Crew reacts in horror.
Nibbler, choking and turning blue, manages to lift himself up on the coffee table.
NIBBLER
(gasping) Help... me...
Nibbler keels over.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS DOCKING BAY
Forlorn, the Planet Express crew loads all of their belongings into the ship.
AMY
This is so sad. How can MomCorp do this to us? Won't anyone speak up for the little guy?
LEELA
Your parents own half of Mars.
AMY
Oh, yeah.
Hermes types away at an old fashioned calculator.
HERMES
What I don't understand is how anyone could afford to buy all of Earth. Even Walt couldn't have inherited that much money from Mom.
FARNSWORTH
Well, I'm not going. This is where I've lived most of my life. This is my home and the only way I'm leaving is as a pile of ashes in a small piece of blue pottery with the superman symbol on the side, as per my expressly stated wishes in my will.
BENDER
And I'm not going either. MomCorp thinks they can do whatever they want just because they're a big corporation and own the planet. But I'll tell you what they don't own...
Bender opens his chest plate. Inside is Huey Lewis's head.
BENDER
Huey Lewis's head. Can you believe it? I picked it up on the last day of a tag sale. They were just going to throw it away if it didn't sell.
LEELA
But Professor, how are you going to fight MomCorp? Walt owns the government and you've got one foot in the grave and the other on the superman symbol.
FARNSWORTH
The hell I do.
Farnsworth runs over to his Borg cube and presses a button. It transforms into a towering hybrid Optimus/Borg exoskeleton with him seated in the center.
FRY
(juggling torches)
You stole Optimus Prime's body?
FARNSWORTH PRIME
I'm old, stealing bodies and body parts is what we do. He wasn't using it. Shut up. All of you were treating me like a crotchety old man, like I couldn't do anything for myself anymore. So, I set out to prove I'm just as independent as any of you.
Farnsworth Prime locks and loads various machine guns, missile launchers, and generally huge ass guns.
FARNSWORTH PRIME
Let's see how many baseballs those snot nosed little punks across the street lose on my lawn now.
INT. MOM'S OFFICE
Walt, wearing the wig and an only slightly less feminine version of Mom's fat suit, sits at his enormous desk while watching a satellite image of all the ships evacuating Earth. Larry stands with him. On the other side of his desk is Bender, Fry, Leela, Amy, and Hermes.
WALT
So, that senile old man refuses to leave, huh?
BENDER
That's right. And I, for one, am proud of him. It's about time someone stood up for the little guy and took on the faceless mega-conglomerate.
WALT
What 'faceless'? My face is on the building.
EXT. MOMCORP
Walt's face is on the building.
INT. MOM'S OFFICE
Walt points to things around the room.
WALT
It's also on the door, on the walls, on every product we make, our logo, this coffee mug, and your ass.
Larry pulls out a stamp of Walt's face and stamps Bender's ass. Fry bends over and sees the impression over a previous impression of Mom's face.
FRY
That's his face, all right, handsome fool.
BENDER
My point is, you have all this power and you need to start thinking about the consequences. You need to start caring about the little guy.
Walt and Larry share a blank stare, then burst out laughing.
WALT
Let me tell you something about the little guy. I used to be the little guy, constantly being stepped on, told how I was no good to anyone, never allowed to do anything. It was like an endless nightmare, waking up every morning in someone's shadow, only to realize that all that waiting, all those "I love you mothers" and adoration and affection were just futile attempts at finding significance in a meaningless life through the acceptance of a cruel and selfish woman who refused to die. Well, it's my time now, and if you think I'm going to let that old man sit there and be a burden on me... girl, you must be crazy.
LARRY
Must be crazy.
EXT. PLANET EXPRESS – DAY
The entire DOOP army surrounds the Planet Express building. The entire spacefleet, including Zapp's flagship, are parked above it with their guns pointed down. The MomCorp Battleship is also there with guns at the ready.
Zapp sticks his head out the window of the flagship. He speaks into a bullhorn.
ZAPP
Attention, we have your ship surrounded. Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded.
Kif sticks his head out.
KIF
Sir, that doesn't make any sense. That's a building, not a ship, and it doesn't have any shields.
ZAPP
Hush, Kif. Don't you know I'm playing possum? And everyone knows possums don't know the difference between a ship and a building.
Zapp makes possum noises.
ZAPP
Rrrarrpossum! Rrrarrrpossum!
Kif sighs.
INT. PLANET EXPRESS LIVING AREA
Leela looks out the window. Next to her, Fry balances knives on his face.
FRY
So, how boned are we?
LEELA
Pretty boned.
Bender and Farnsworth Prime watch the news.
ON THE TELEVISION: The headline reads "Squatter Standoff 3013"
MORBO
It's day three of the squatter standoff, with puny human Hubert Farnsworth still refusing to leave the planet. No word yet on how negotiations are proceeding, but early Wall Street indicators point to this leading to a rise in oil costs for some reason.
LINDA
As a totally unbiased newsperson with absolutely no agenda to speak of, I think I speak for all us here at Channel Root 2 News when I say, "Hubert Farnsworth is a communist who hates Earth, God, and babies." Thank you for watching Root 2 News, brought to you by our newest sponsor, MomCorp: "We own everything, bitches."
Bender turns off the television.
BENDER
Even the news is against us. This is so unfair. No one stands up for the little guy while the mega-corporation and government-
HERMES
Same thing.
BENDER
-while the mega-corporation and government can do whatever it wants.
LEELA
Okay, I've had just about enough of this "stand up for the little guy" nonsense. Ever since you killed Mom, you've been acting all self-righteous, but I'm not buying it. If you really cared about standing up for the little guy, you'd admit to the other robots that it was you who killed Mom so Zoidberg could come home... and then, you know... get kicked out of it by MomCorp.
BENDER
I can't.
LEELA
Why not?
BENDER
Because... Don't you see? When Mom died, my whole world changed. It was like, suddenly, Zoidberg was the most famous person on the planet, getting credit for something I did, only I couldn't admit to it, because then everyone would want to kill me. When you're a little guy, and you kill a rich person, you become famous, but then they kill you and you can't even enjoy it. When you're already a rich person, and you kill or screw over a nobody, you get to live it up. And that's not fair. There should be the same rules for everybody, dammit.
FRY
Aw, there's the Bender we all know and love.
AMY
Well, that answers that question, but it doesn't get us out of this mess.
FRY
If only we had access to someone really smart who could figure out a way to get us out of this. You know, someone with a lot of experience, who has seen a lot in their day, and maybe knows a bunch of things we young folk don't know.
LEELA
Can't know, really, because we just haven't lived as much life as they have.
HERMES
Yes, that's true. They might even have insight into what to do based on having been through a similar situation. Maybe someone with expert insight into major corporations, possibly from having worked for one themselves.
FRY
You know, I can't even remember how we got ourselves into this mess. If only we knew someone.
They all ponder how unfortunate it is they don't know someone like that. Meanwhile, Farnsworth Prime opens his mouth to say something.
FARNSWORTH PRIME
I...
LEELA
What is it? Do you have to go to the bathroom?
AMY
Is it too cold in here? I can turn up the heat.
HERMES
Are you looking for something? Your glasses? I'll find them.
FRY
You look thirsty. Does he look thirsty to anyone? I'll get him some water.
They all disperse, leaving Bender and Farnsworth Prime alone on the couch.
FARNSWORTH PRIME
I hate everyone.
Bender and Farnsworth Prime high five each other and sulk.