The Gift of Therapy

by Ash M. Knight

Dr. Regina Mills is Ruby Lucas' therapist and is married to the town sheriff, Emma Swan. Their marriage is already rocky, so when Regina learns about trauma in Emma's past, their partnership becomes increasingly difficult. Ruby is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and has a long way to go to manage her own trauma. Now, it's up to Regina to help them both.

2. Chapter 2: Part II

Chapter 5: Regina

I get home and slam my keys on the table in the foyer. I realize how angry I am and want to scream. Of course, it doesn't help that Emma scares the shit out of me by entering the room and saying my name.

"Regina. What happened?"

"Nothing," I snap, turning away from her to walk into the living room.

But she takes my hand and stops me before I can get to the doorway.

"Regina, honey. Talk to me."

"This fucking girl. This girl… She's impossible. She's as angry as I am and doesn't want to do a goddam ounce of work. She's incredibly resistant and it's driving me crazy."

"How many times have you seen her?" Emma asks gently, still holding on to my hand.

"Twice."

"Come sit down, sweetheart," she offers, gently leading me to the living room and pulling me down onto the sofa. I know I look pissed, and I know she's trying her best to calm me down, but I'm instantly annoyed when she says, "You don't know her very well yet, babe. I'm sure there's more to her book than her cover. Get to know her and see if things change. Therapy is hard." I say nothing, so she adds, "Isn't it?"

She's right, and I hate it.

"Yes," I growl, crossing my arms.

"You're cute when you're angry," she teases.

I scowl at her.

"Gina, come on," Emma urges me. "Try to lighten up, okay? I'm sure it'll work out. She just needs time. I needed time too. I wasn't ready at first."

"Yeah, well, you waited until you were ready to fucking show up. If she doesn't want to be there, she shouldn't come in and waste my time."

"Regina. This isn't like you at all. You love your patients. All of them," she reminds me.

I sigh, knowing she's right, and confess, "I'm just so frustrated, Em. I wanna help her. I know she needs it. She's definitely got Borderline Personality Disorder. She meets almost all the criteria. Volatile relationships, intense lability, et cetera. Self-harm too."

"She hurts herself?" Emma asks, sounding a little surprised.

"A lot of my patients do, Emma."

"But isn't that—"

"We haven't talked about it yet. She mentioned it during her intake, so I read about it in her file. I asked about suicidal ideation and access to guns, of course, but we didn't discuss her cutting. I want to give her the chance to bring it up. As long as I know she can be safe, to the best of her ability, I'm not going to push her. She's got a trauma history, but wouldn't specify during the intake. Doesn't surprise me."

"Well, there you go. She's got trust issues. You're getting paid to talk to her. Why would she trust you without getting to know you?"

"Stop being right all the time. It's fucking infuriating," I say, finally laughing.

She smiles at me and nuzzles my neck, saying, "I love you, Regina."

"I love you too," I say softly, stroking her hair. When she's quiet for a while, I add, "I'm glad you're home."

"Yeah… I know I've been taking too many shifts…"

"Em… Why do you do that?" I ask, nervous for the answer.

"I guess because I… I hate being here and feeling like a piece of shit. That's why I started going to therapy. I don't want to hate myself anymore."

Shocked, I ask, "What are you talking about?"

"I hate myself, Regina. I hate who I've become and how empty I feel and what a shitty wife I turned out to be."

"You're not a shitty wife!" I shout.

She looks away.

"Oh, Emma," I sigh. "Baby girl. I didn't know you felt that way. I'm sorry."

"I want to be better for you, Regina."

"Emma—"

She interrupts me, asking, "Why don't we make love anymore?"

"B-Because we're both… busy…" I try, but it doesn't feel like the truth.

"You and I both know that's not it."

"I don't know, Em. I just… I don't know."

"Do you still find me attractive? At all?"

"Emma! Of course I do!" I cry, grabbing her hands.

"Then… do you want to try?"

My eyes widen.

"N-Now?"

"If you want to."

"I do…"

Emma finally smiles and picks me up, carrying me bridal style up the stairs. It's stunning how strong she is, and when I look down at the flexing muscles in her arms, I blush. She nearly tears her clothes off when we reach our bedroom. It's been so long since we've done this – so long since I've wanted it this bad – that I nearly forget to take off my own clothes, since I'm so entranced by her naked body.

"You gonna join me, or do you want me to come all over your trousers?" she giggles, gently pushing me back until I'm sitting on the edge of the bed.

I start to fumble with the clasp of my pants, but my hands are shaking. Why am I so nervous? It's not like we haven't done this 1000 times in the first few years of our marriage. Emma pushes my hands away and makes quick work of the clasp and zipper, then jerks my pants and underwear down in one go. Soon, I'm completely naked and vulnerable in front of her, and she stops to stare at me.

"Am I… do I look…" I start, my face bright red with embarrassment.

This is so stupid. Why can't I get it together? For some reason, it feels like the first time.

Emma smiles at me and says sincerely, "You look stunning."

She eases me back onto the bed and kneels between my legs, and when she dips her fingers into my core… Oh.

"Fuck," I gasp.

Then, she's knuckle deep, curling her fingers to stroke the walls of my center, and I'm almost bursting already.

"Oh, Emma," I'm moaning.

Her name falls from my lips over and over as I squirm on the bed. She holds me in place and continues her delicious assault until I come, soaking her fingers. It's so good that I'm screaming – screaming – her name as everything explodes and bursts into white light.

Chapter 6: Ruby

I burst into tears as soon as Dr. Mills shuts the office door, and she stares at me. I know she's completely shocked by my sudden display of emotion, but I can't hold it back. This is the only place I've ever felt safe. Wait. Fuck. Seriously?

"Ms. Lucas?" she questions. "Can I get you some tissues?"

But they're literally right in front of me, so I grab a few myself and hold my head in my hands. I hate myself for crying, but I can't help it.

When she sees that I'm hiding – really, truly hiding – she asks, "Would you like to tell me what's going on?"

I shake my head immediately but feel my lie burn through me. I'm tired of lying. I'm tired of hiding.

I lift my head and look at her, sobbing, "I snuck a guy into my room last night. Granny heard us fucking and told me to get out."

"Oh, Ruby," Dr. Mills says softly. "I'm so sorry."

I wonder if she really is. It feels like she might be, but I don't want to trust her. I can't trust her. At least, I don't think I can. Maybe she's trustworthy, but that doesn't mean I can take down my walls. God, am I sick of the fucking walls.

"Don't be sorry. It's my fault. I'm a fucking slut, and she knows it. No wonder she wants me out of her life."

"Did she say she wants you out of her life, or that she wants you to move out of her place?"

I pause, then reply, "Well… I guess she just said I had to move out, but…"

I trail off, and she waits. When I don't say anything, she speaks.

"Perhaps she wants to set boundaries and enforce consequences, Ruby. Perhaps this isn't about wanting you in her life. Perhaps it's about doing what she feels is best for you. And maybe asking you to move out isn't what's best – I don't know – but I don't think it's you personally that she wants to get rid of. I think it's likely that she loves you very much and is simply trying to end the behaviors that she feels are inappropriate."

"They are inappropriate!" I scream.

I want to smash something, to throw it against the wall. This sucks. I've totally cracked up.

"Ruby," Dr. Mills probes gently. "Why do you think they're inappropriate behaviors?"

"Because they make me feel empty and pathetic. I'll sit on any dick I can get hard, Dr. Mills. It's disgusting."

"Do you remember when I asked you what you get out of that?"

I shake my head, confused.

"I asked you what you get from it. How it works for you."

"Oh."

"Do you think you could try to tell me how you feel about that?"

I shake my head.

"Alright," she says.

She's letting it drop, and I'm grateful. But I have this intense wave of emotion that crashes through me. A compulsion to tell her everything.

"I cut myself after the guys leave."

She stares at me. At least, it feels like she's staring. I try to read her expression, but it's gentle and non-judgmental. I wonder what she's thinking, though. Does she think I'm as disgusting as I feel? Of course she does. God, I'm so fucked up.

"How often?" she finally asks.

"Every time," I confess, looking away.

"Ruby… Are you having thoughts of suicide?"

I sigh, considering her question, and reply, "I don't know. Maybe. Some days I feel like… like… Why am I doing this? What's the point? But I don't want to die, Dr. Mills. I just want to feel something."

She nods, and I wonder if she really understands. Maybe she does…

"I think that's a perfectly natural response to the pain you must be feeling."

"How do you know I'm in pain?" I sniffle.

"Because you burst into tears as soon as you got into my office."

"Yeah, well…"

"It's alright, Ruby. It's okay to cry in here. This is a safe place."

"God, that's fucking corny," I chuckle, wiping my eyes.

She smiles at me and says, "Maybe. But it's true nonetheless." Then, when I'm silent, she asks, "Do you think that if you didn't sleep with people, you wouldn't harm yourself?"

"I probably wouldn't."

"What is it about that situation that compels you to hurt yourself?"

"The sex, I guess. The empty feeling when the guy puts his dick in me and comes without thinking twice about whether I'm going to or not. How empty I feel when they leave, and I'm alone, having given away the most intimate part of myself for absolutely nothing."

Dr. Mills nods again and tells me, "I can understand that, Ruby."

"Really? You don't think I'm a freak?" I ask anxiously, wringing my hands.

"Of course I don't think you're freak."

"Then what do you think is wrong with me?"

"I don't think anything is wrong with you, Ruby. I think you make maladaptive choices in an effort to fill the void you feel, but really you just end up feeling emptier when it's over, so you repeat the cycle in the hopes that something will be different. Or…"

"Or?"

"Or perhaps you're punishing yourself."

I stare at her, dumbfounded. Both things are true. I am punishing myself. I don't really know what for, but I'm definitely doing it.

"Oh," I say, my voice small and meek.

I'm embarrassed to be open and vulnerable, and I'm shocked by her level of understanding.

"Thank you for sharing that with me, Ruby," she says, offering me a warm smile. "I greatly appreciate you being so open."

I nod, but I still feel horrible about myself.

"I hate myself, Dr. Mills. I really, truly hate myself."

"Maybe that's something we can work on, Ruby. But first, I think it might be helpful to work on some coping skills for distress tolerance."

"Okay. Time's up though. Next week?"

She nods and smiles at me. God, she's beautiful. Fuck. What am I thinking?

I leave the office with my appointment card, eyes red and puffy, as my heart races.

Chapter 7: Regina

"How was work, babe?" Emma asks, kissing my forehead and placing her hands on my hips.

"It was great, actually. That client I was telling you about had a huge breakthrough today," I tell her. "I'm really proud of her."

"That's great, honey! I'm really happy for you."

"How was therapy tonight?" I ask gently.

I know she might not want to share this, but I also know that I want to show interest and concern, so she knows how much I care.

"It was alright…"

"Just alright?"

"We got to the root of some… shitty things…"

"I see."

"We talked about my being in foster care, and how that affected the way I relate to other people."

"You don't have to tell me what you talked about, Emma. That's between you and your therapist."

"I kind of want to tell you."

"Alright. Let's sit down."

With a nod, Emma sits down on the couch and looks over at me as I sit down beside her.

"Emma?" I ask, after a long moment of silence.

"Yeah. Sorry. Um… So…"

"Emma, if you don't want to—"

"I need to. It's not fair that you don't know."

I quickly survey what I do know. Emma had been in foster care. Emma had been… Wait. Is that all I know? My stomach drops. From my own experience working with children and adolescents, for two years after graduating with my doctorate, I know how terrible foster care can be for kids. Why hadn't I thought of this in the context of Emma's experience? Shit.

"I was raped, multiple times, by different 'dads' who were supposed to take care of me. I never told anyone," Emma explains, her voice breaking during several of her words. "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Oh, Emma. Please don't say that! I completely understand how dark parts of our past are hard to share."

"But I should have—"

My stomach drops. How could she keep this from me? How could I not know? What else hasn't she told me? I can't stop the thoughts, but I control my reaction.

"Emma. No. You did exactly the right thing. You waited until you were ready."

"I don't know if I'm 'ready,' exactly. But it was time you knew why certain things hurt so much. Why I have trust issues. Why it's hard for me to connect. Why I'm so… sensitive…"

"Emma. Baby…" I say softly, wrapping my arms around my wife and holding her gently. "I'm here, okay? And I may not have experienced what you have… but I understand how hard it must be to talk about it. I'm proud of you for sharing that in therapy."

"You are?"

"Yes, of course! It's a struggle to open up to someone you don't really know. How did it go?"

"It went really well, actually. It was just hard."

"I'm sure it was. What did your therapist say?"

"She told me it wasn't my fault…. Which is stupid and obvious to other people, I guess… but it wasn't obvious to me. And it felt good to hear it. But I don't know if I believe it. Maybe if I hadn't—"

"Emma, no! There is nothing you could have done to deserve that. Do you understand?"

"Not really, no," Emma confesses. "I'm sorry. I'm just not there yet."

Calming somewhat, I nod my head in understanding.

"It's okay, Em. I'm here. What else did she say?"

"She asked me if I thought it was affecting my marriage…"

I blink a few times, not daring to ask what Emma's response had been.

"It has," Emma offers, knowing what I'm thinking. "I know it has. And I'm so, so sorry."

"Please don't be sorry for something you can't control."

"But I can control it, Regina. I can't change what happened to me, or what others do, but I have the power to change how I react."

"That's… That's a really powerful thing to say, Emma… and I'm… I'm really impressed that you got there so fast. It takes some people years."

"Did you expect it to take me years to square with whatever I was dealing with?"

"I didn't expect anything. I just had hopes that you'd feel relief from whatever you were struggling with," I tell my wife. "Why do you think it's affecting our marriage?"

Sighing, Emma hangs her head in her hands and confesses, "Because I don't trust you."

I feel the freight train plow directly into my stomach and flinch. I'm glad that Emma hasn't been looking to see my reaction. Fuck.

"I don't trust anyone," Emma then clarifies, when I fall silent.

"It's okay," I manage to squeak out, not sure if I'm lying. "I get it. Maybe it'll just take time. I just hope you can trust me someday…" After another pause, I ask, "Why did you marry me, though, if you didn't trust me?"

"Because it was sort of… shit or get off the pot… You know? Like, I didn't want to lose you. I love you so much. Unconditionally. I didn't want to let that go. And I knew it was what you wanted. And I would have – and still would – do anything to keep you in my life."

"But you didn't want to?"

"No, it's not that! I was just afraid. Afraid you'd leave me. Afraid you'd cheat on me."

"You think I'd cheat on you?" I snap, hating that I sound angry but unable to bridle my emotions.

"I don't know, Regina. That's the point. I don't trust anyone. I'm sorry that that includes you."

"I would never, ever cheat on you, Emma."

"It's easy to say that. It's not easy to believe it, though."

I nod, knowing that there is no way to easily mend Emma's trust issues, and feel somewhat defeated.

"This isn't your fault, Regina," Emma assures me. "You haven't done anything wrong."

"I think I've neglected you," I tell her.

"What?"

"I think I've neglected you," I repeat.

"I've shut you out. I've made it hard for you to engage me."

"Maybe…" I admit. "But we can change that, I think."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, I do. I'm determined to prove my love to you, Emma."

"I love you, Regina…"

I smile and kiss her lips, savoring the taste, just the way I did before we were even married.

Chapter 8: Ruby

"I have to tell you something," I blurt out, as soon as Dr. Mills' office door is closed.

"Sit down?" she offers gently, gesturing to the comfortable chair in front of hers.

I sit.

"I think… I think I met someone that I…"

"Please, go on, Ruby," she urges me carefully, when I find myself unable to continue.

"I can't. I don't want to say it, but I have to tell you."

"Ruby, is everything alright?"

"Yes. Yes. Things are great. I mean… I met… I met this girl…"

She raises an eyebrow. I'm sure she didn't mean to, but there it is.

"Go on, Ruby."

I sigh and continue, "She's beautiful. I mean, I've never seen someone as beautiful. She's… She's sweet, and kind, and loving… Too good for me, really, but she likes me! Really, really likes me. At least… That's what she says."

"You don't believe her?"

"I don't know if I believe her or not, but I definitely want to."

"And what makes you think she's too good for you?"

"Because she's perfect. She's a librarian and she's so smart and adorable and funny and… and… just… everything. She's everything."

"It sounds like she makes you very happy."

"I've only known her like a week, but yes. Yes. Incredibly so."

"That's wonderful, Ruby! I'm very happy to hear that you've found someone who makes you feel that way."

"Except…"

"Except?"

"Except she kind of deals meth," I reply, trying to keep a poker face. When she just looks at me, saying nothing, I pout, "I was kidding. The least you could do was to give me a reaction."

"Is that what you're looking for? A reaction?"

"No!" I shout, indignant. "I just meant…"

"It's okay if you are, Ruby. But I'm never going to assume that you're lying. So please, don't expect a reaction from that type of thing. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt."

Seriously? Does she have to be so damn nice?

"Alright. Fine. Well, anyway… her name is Belle, and I'm seeing her again tonight."

"What was the 'except?'" she asks, looking at me curiously.

"Except I'm scared to sleep with her."

"And why is that?"

"Because I actually like her. What if it makes me feel empty, like it does with everyone else?"

I feel my eyes watering and hate myself for it. I hate displaying this kind of emotion. But I can't help it, so I reach for a tissue and jerk one roughly from the box, quickly wiping my eyes. Nope. Not obvious at all.

"Do you think it will?"

"I don't know. I just don't want this to be ruined. Like, maybe if I never sleep with her, it won't change. Maybe I'll stay in my ignorant, blissful little bubble forever if we don't fuck."

"Or…"

"But that would never work anyway," I cut her off, my voice cracking. "Everyone needs sex in a relationship, right? Like why would she waste her time if she wasn't going to get any?"

Finally, she looks a little surprised.

"Ruby… Sex isn't the only important part of a healthy relationship."

"But it is a part of it. Who would want to be with someone who wouldn't have sex with them?"

"Have you asked her that?"

"Asked her what?"

"If she'd be with you, even if you didn't have sex?"

"Of course not! Don't be stupid!"

Yikes… Just a bit harsh…

I blush a little, looking away, unwilling to apologize but feeling bad about my outburst.

"You can't tell the future, Ruby, and you're not a mind-reader. If you don't wantto have sex, maybe she doesn't either. You never know until you discuss it with her."

"I didn't say I don't want to have sex with her. I just said I'm scared that it'll change everything."

She nods her understanding and concedes, "It may."

"Well, that doesn't make me feel better."

"Did you want me to lie?"

This is relatively blunt for her, so it becomes my turn to look surprised as I mumble, "Well, no, but…"

"I'm not going to lie, Ruby. I will always be honest with you about the things we discuss in here. And it's true. You having sex with her may change things between you. However… It may actually change things for the better. You may feel some relief that you don't feel empty. It's a possibility."

"Anything's possible, I guess."

"That's very true."

"So you think I should have sex with her?"

"That's… not what I said."

"Well, what do I do then?"

"I can't tell you that. You need to make that decision. But I can ask you to consider all possibilities, rather than just the catastrophic ones."

"You're using cognitive reframing, and it's pissing me off," I challenge her.

She looks surprised again. Yes! I'm thinking. I'm winning.

It's kind of a game to me. How badly can I shock my therapist? Going well so far! I'm on a roll.

"Why does that upset you?"

"Because it's… just… so… therapist."

"I am a therapist, Ruby. I'm your therapist. And it's my job to give you a different angle on things and to confront, as gently as possible, any cognitive distortions that arise. Is that not why you're here? For some guidance?"

"No. I'm here because Granny wants me to be less angry."

The corner of her mouth twitches, and I think she might smile, but she doesn't.

Instead, she replies, "And are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Less angry."

I freeze, dumbfounded by the realization that, yes, I am less angry. I've been happier spending time with Belle this past week than I've been almost… well… ever.

"I guess so," I mumble.

She smiles and says, "I'm glad to hear that. What do you think contributes to that change?"

Good. She's not taking credit.

"I dunno. Belle, I guess. She's just… wonderful."

"So you said. But do you think it's anything within you that could be assisting with that change? Maybe a new mindset?"

"No."

I said no, but what I meant was, maybe.

"Alright."

"Time's up. Gotta go."

I stand up quickly and grab my bag, then turn towards the door.

"Ruby," she calls after me. "Same time next week?"

"Sure thing."