Prompt: Never Again, first posted 20 July 2010
Title: Asylum Buddy
Universe: DCAU-kinda
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama/Humour
Characters: Harley Quinn; cameos from many of the Arkham gang
Word Count: 1,341
Summary: Your first day at Arkham and the powers-that-be decide it would be helpful to have someone show you the ropes. Who would you pick?
Asylum Buddy
"So hey kid, how d'you like the joint? It's got a great post-apocalyptic abandoned hospital, this'll-be-where-we-make-our-last-stand-against-the-flesh-eatin'-zombies vibe, hasn't it? I don't know if that's what the original designers were lookin' for or if it's just the result of hundreds of years of misery and despair leechin' into the walls, but it's a real atmospheric place for people to recover their marbles.
"I'm Harley by the way – Harley Quinn, but you can just call me Harley. Or 'my new asylum buddy'! Although that sounds pretty lame, so maybe just stick to Harley for now. I'm s'posed to be helping you settle in, showing you the ropes and the straight jacket buckles, givin' you the real inside scoop on Arkham Asylum from one fruitcake to another. I know – it sounds crazy, doesn't it? Musta been some new wishy-washy 'empowerment' proposal from our fine state legislature. And they call us mad!
"Well you evidently made it through the pokey-prodding-probing welcome committee and got issued with your fancy new neon-orange duds, so that's a good start. Later the docs will start diggin' around in your brain – hopefully figuratively – and they'll most likely start you on a dangerous mix of colourful pharmaceuticals designed to turn you into a drooling but compliant mess. Which'll be fun. But that's all dull, dull, dull, so let's ask these nice uniformed gentlemen if we can move along to the place where it's all happening!
"See? Ain't this an improvement? What you've got here is the fanciest wipe-clean institutional furniture that the board members were willin' to authorise payment for, plus a TV with ten – count 'em, ten – channels. Welcome, my friend, to the high-life of the Arkham recreation room!
"Come on, if we ask real nicely I'm sure Jervis will shove along a bit and we can squeeze on the end of this sofa. Yeah Jervis, I'm sure Croc won't bite if you get a bit closer to him – it was only lunch a couplea hours ago! That's better, and now where was I? Oh yeah, this is the rec room and this'll be the highlight of your days for however many years it takes you to work your way into bein' an outpatient. Or until you decide to, ah, 'unofficially discharge yourself', if you know what I mean. But that's all hush hush, so forget I said anythin'.
"As well as ratty old furniture and an even rattier old TV, we've got a chess set but Eddie and Dr Crane are pretty much glued to it so you'll have to go through a dozen riddles and Jonathan's attempts to spook you out if you want a game. Croc ate half the checkers pieces last month and they haven't replaced 'em yet so that's not really workin' right now, and we used to have Clue but the doctors claimed it was gettin' people 'too worked up'. I keep sayin' they should let us have Twister but Joan says that wouldn't be a good idea, so it's pretty much daytime TV and intellectually stimulatin' conversation with anyone you can find who isn't drugged up to their eyeballs.
"So far as company goes you've probably seen most of the gang in the funny pages or on News at Elevenrantin' and ravin' before Batsy clonks 'em over the head with a jagged hunk of metal. They're mostly pretty fun although no one ever wants to play charades, which is a downer. Just don't sit too close to Croc if it's been a while since he last ate, and it's best not to bring up any previous jobs as a lumberjack or florist when you're talkin' to Pammy. Oh and don't mind Harvey – he's probably not really givin' you the stinkeye, that's just how he always looks. From this angle anyway.
"It's all pretty dull round here right now because Mistah J's havin' a time out – the security team weren't too happy when they found the stash of happy gas he'd been keepin' in the kitchens disguised as Cheez Whiz, so he's had his privileges revoked for a few months and isn't allowed out of his cell 'cept for therapy sessions. Which is a complete travesty of justice and just really, really mean, because it's not like he even gassed anyone with it yet! Not that bein' locked up matters to him in the grand scheme of things – because between you and me, there's a big date in Gotham's social calendar comin' up and Mistah J's got plans. That's all hush-hush too though, and if I told you anythin' about it I'd probably have to kill you, and you only just got here!
"So I should probably let you get a word in edgeways and learn a bit about you to really make this buddy thing work… whatcha in for then? You look pretty nondescript to me – I think the chicken wings at lunch had more meat on 'em. But Mistah J's always saying you can't judge a big ol' block of plastic explosive by the boring paper wrapper it comes in. What's your deal? You got any gimmicks? Do you dress up in themed outfits and terrorise the city? Any single-minded obsessions or burning grudges against uniformed authority? Nothin'? Geez you're not just one of the regular crazies that got allocated to the wrong wing are you? That's borin'.
"Y'know – and don't take this personally – but I don't think the silent rocking back and forth and chewin' on your own wrist is helping you in how you come across to people. Dripping blood on the soft furnishings isn't much of an icebreaker. Cut it out, will ya! Geez how did I end up with this babysittin' job… Gimme that – aww, look it's fine. Honest it's just a scratch. If you try to stop pickin' at it with your teeth it'll probably close up.
"You can trust me, I know what I'm doin'. You don't doze through six years of medical training without absorbing a bit of first aid by osmosis. Yeah, I used to be on the other side of the squishy walls until I took a permanent career break from reality, as that stuck-up Heraldcolumnist described it. She had a pretty good way with words until Mistah J broke her thumbs for constantly puttin' her own spin on his set-pieces.
"But all those hours spent starin' glassily at chalkboards tell me you've probably got some kind of social anxiety thing goin' on. Or that Dr Crane got you with his less-than-happy gas and your subconscious thinks there's bugs under your skin. There's a name for that you know; delusional parasitosis. Hey Jonathan! Does this guy look familiar to you? You gas anyone that looks as pathetic as this lately? No, I don't think he's anyone in particular – are you? No. I think he's just one of the cat B patients that got allocated here by mistake. You know you should probably mention that to your doctor when you get one assigned to you, otherwise you might find after a few months of hangin' out with us you end up more cuckoo than when you came in!
"Now, since that's covered just about everythin' you need to know for your first day, how about a nice game of charades before they drug you into an even less communicative stupor? I'll start…"
From the other side of a scratched two-way mirror that ran the length of the recreation room, Jeremiah Arkham frowned and jotted down a few terse notes. At the next board meeting his brief and overwhelmingly negative report on the pilot programme was signed off and the project quietly shelved before any more trouble could be caused.
Dr Leland informed Harley that her services would no longer be required as a "buddy" for newly admitted patients, and she accepted this happily enough although she quietly thought she'd done an excellent job and volunteered quite happy to continue the role unofficially. Dr Leland asked her politely to please not trouble herself, several times, and the whole idea was thankfully dropped.
Fin
Author's Note: Aww, Harley. I think you had moderate-to-good intentions... Probably that was only because the Joker wasn't around, because let's face it she probably would have offered Newbie up as a twitchy toy for him to play with if he was itching to cause some pain and mental anguish to someone. Bless.
I had a bit of a weird epilogue which detailed what happened to Harley's poor first and only buddy, and how against the odds he made a full recovery and went on to run for Congress. It ended up with him being killed by bees. A little random even for me!