I couldn't possibly keep my eyes off of her for long, so it was more than a good thing that I had the road perfectly memorized, something positive to come of Bella's slow pace driving this morning.
I could feel her eyes on my face the whole journey and my skin tingled in reaction, so I couldn't help but gaze right back, at our hands joined on the seat between us or at the sinking sun.
I tuned the radio in to a station I was familiar with, something more aimed at the older generations than someone of my physical age. But then, I was older than the oldest generation of humans, and the music was good. I sung along as we drove.
"You like fifties music?"
"Music in the fifties was good. Better than the sixties, or the seventies - ugh!" I pretended to shudder with disgust. "The eighties were bearable."
"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" She asked, hesitantly.
I tried to blow it off. "Does it matter?" I continued to smile, and she relaxed.
"No, but I still wonder…" She frowned. "There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."
"I wonder if it will upset you…" I gazed up into the orange tinted sky. Soon it would be twilight, I noted absently.
"Try me." She pressed.
I heaved a sigh, and brought my eyes to meet hers, seeking something in them that would suggest to me that telling her was sensible. She stared right back, undeterred. She would get to know sometime, I figured, if I was going to remain with her. I looked away, into the setting sun.
"I was born in Chicago in 1902." I paused to check her expression. It was politely interested, composed. I smiled slightly. "Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918. I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza."
She gasped, her face full of concern and pity.
"I don't remember it well - it was a very long time ago, and human memories fade. I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget."
"Your parents?"
"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he chose me. In the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realise I was gone."
"How did he… save you?"
What to tell her? I didn't want to scare her again. Keep it discrete, I decided. "It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us… I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history." I didn't wish to reveal any more than that. She didn't need to know any details.
"He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though somehow, her heart was still beating."
"Then you must be dying, then, to become…" She couldn't utter the word, her face twisted in response to it.
"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice. It is easier, he says, when the blood is weak." I wanted to drop this subject now. She was getting a bit too curious. We were reaching the outskirts of the town, the rows of trees now broken by inconspicuous houses lining the road.
"And Emmett and Rosalie?"
"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realise until much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him - he was careful with his thoughts around me." I rolled my eyes. Rosalie and myself hadn't got on from her first day. She was the least likely person I would fall for. Besides, she had Emmett now - and I had Bella. "But she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting - we were in Appalachia at the time - and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." I looked at Bella, and lifted our joined fingers so that I could brush her soft cheek with the back of my hand.
"But she made it." She glanced away from me, out of the windshield.
"Yes, she saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school." I laughed. "I supposed we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again."
"Alice and Jasper?"
"Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another… family, a very different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."
"Really?" Her face was absorbed, her tone fascinated. "But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."
"That's true. She knows other things. She sees things - things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future is not set in stone. Things change." Yes, things change. Nothing she sees is certain. Nothing she has seen will definitely happen. My eyes flashed to Bella's face then away.
"What kinds of things does she see?"
"She saw Jasper, and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they might pose."
"And there are a lot of… your kind?" There it was again, the reluctance to say the word neither of us had repeated since that first day in the car, on our return trip from Port Angeles.
"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people" - I glanced at her quickly, worried that my casual use of the word 'hunting' might have bothered her in any way. Her gaze remained unclouded, so I continued - "can live together with humans for any length of time. We've found only one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live… differently, tend to band together."
"And the others?"
We had finally reached her house; it had taken much longer than usual, due to the restrictions of her truck's internal speed limit. But I wasn't saddened that we were back to her house at all, I wasn't planning on leaving her now, now that everything was perfect.
"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the North."
"Why is that?"
"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon? Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside during the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you get of night time in eighty-odd years."
"So that's where the legends came from?"
"Probably."
"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?"
"No, and that isa mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle, and hadn't known that she would someday become one of us, she would have turned into a total savage." We were silent for one beat of her heart, but the quiet was broken by her stomach growling. I remembered what that meant: she was hungry.
"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner."
Her cheeks flushed a delicate pink. "I'm fine, really."
"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forget."
"I want to stay with you." Her voice was pleading, almost desperate. My body suddenly became very aware of the luscious warmth of her fingers around mine, still resting on the seat between us.
"Can't I come in?"
"Would you like to?" Her face was doubtful, as if she couldn't imagine that I would.
"Yes, if it's alright." I opened the door and hopped out of the truck, stepping quickly round to the passenger side so that I could open her door for her.
"Very human." She praised me.
"It's definitely resurfacing." I walked close by her side up the short drive to the front door, but strode ahead so that I reached the door, unlocked it and swung it open in time for her to walk through without pausing. She stopped halfway through, and turned to look at me.
"It was unlocked?"
"No, I used the key from under the eave." I followed her as she continued inside to turn on the porch light. She stopped, looking back to raise her eyebrows at me.
"I was curious about you."
"You spied on me?" Her voice lacked the outrage to be expected; she sounded more pleased than annoyed.
"What else is there to do at night?" I insisted. She let that pass, and carried on down the hallway, into the kitchen. I overtook her and settled into a chair so that I could watch. She stopped in the middle of the room and gazed at me for a long moment, then turned and started preparing her food. As she bustled about the kitchen, I was deep in thought.
I contemplated Alice's vision - trying to be open minded - and looked at it from a different perspective. I watched Bella with the lesser part of my mind. Here she was, after spending the day with me, alive and beautiful. More than beautiful. Radiant. Today's main event had been a dark blot on my mind this past week. I had been so sure that it would end in tragedy, that I hadn't even considered this outcome. That I could be allowed to stay with Bella, to be safe for her. I was perfectly able; I was certain that I would never forget to regulate my movements with her, she was so delicate. It was impossible to forget, I was reminded every time I looked at her. Well, as long as I kept my focus. Kissing her, for example, was something I needed to think about. It hadn't gone exactly as planned, but I didn't feel that it had been a mistake. I had kept control, and Bella wasonly human, after all. She'd already told me that she had never been in a relationship before, so she was just as rusty as me on the subject. I knew it was impossible that she would be as alienated by all of these strange, powerful impulsions that my body was subjected to at the moment. But, as evidenced by the kissing incident, perhaps she was not as skilled with controlling them as I seemed to be... so much to think about...
"How long?" Her discrete question broke my train of thought, and I glanced up.
"Hmmm?"
She had her back to me as she answered. "How often did you come here?"
"I come here almost every night."
She gasped and reeled around to face me. Her face was aghast. "Why?"
"You're interesting when you sleep. You talk."
"No!" Her heart hammered in her chest, and blood flooded her cheeks. She half bent over, and gripped the worktop to support herself. I was quickly sorry I'd told her: I wouldn't have thought that she would have minded this much. That made me curious as to whether there was something she was afraid I might of heard.
"Are you very angry with me?"
"That depends!" Her voice was breathless as she glared at me.
"On?" I prompted.
"On what you heard!" She moaned. I was at her side before she could blink, and took both of her hands, carefully, in mine.
"Don't be upset!" I begged. I tried to meet her eyes, but she refused to look at me: her cheeks were still bright crimson. I spoke in a whisper.
"You miss your mother. You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said 'It's too green.'" I chuckled gently.
"Anything else?" Her blush deepened. I knew what she was referring to.
"You did say my name."
Her face fell, becoming resigned. "A lot?"
"How much do you mean by 'a lot,' exactly?"
She cringed and groaned. "Oh no!" Her head dropped, her hair completely covering her face.
I put my arms around her, and pulled her tight against my chest. I leant down, so that I could murmur in her ear. "Don't be self-conscious. If I could dream at all, it would be all about you. And I'm not ashamed of it."
The sound of an engine and tires on the driveway, right outside the house - accompanied by the muffled thoughts of her father - made Bella stiffen in my arms. The headlights of the police cruiser momentarily lit up the room, the light reaching us from the windows at the front of the house.
"Should your father know I'm here?"
"I'm not sure…"
"Another time then…" I pulled away from her and darted out of sight, headed up the stairs to her bedroom.
"Edward!" Her alarmed whisper reached me when I was halfway up the stairs.
I chuckled, loud enough for her to hear, to know that I was still here. I was in her room half a second later, and settled comfortably on her bed.
"Bella?" Her father called from the doorway. I heard him take off his jacket and gun belt, and hang it on the hook in the hall.
"In here ." Bella's voice didn't sound casual. I was worried that her father might notice the excited edge it had. He clomped into the kitchen.
"Can you get me some of that? I'm bushed." Referring to the food, I figured, judging by the edge of hunger in Charlie's thoughts. I listened as he crossed the kitchen and continued to remove his boots. Bella hurried around the room, and I heard the whir and clank of various kitchen appliances, then the glug of liquid being poured into glasses. The squeak of a chair being scraped across the linoleum was quickly followed by Bella's noisy footsteps and then the clink of a knife and fork against a china plate.
"Thanks." Charlie.
"How was your day?" Bella's words were rushed and a little too tense. Charlie's thoughts didn't betray that he had noticed anything different about her yet …
"Good. The fish were biting… how about you? Did you get everything done that you wanted to?"
"Not really - it was too nice out to stay indoors."
"I was a nice day." Nice didn't even come close to covering it. I heard Bella's fork scrape her plate, then the sound of her gulping down the liquid in her glass. The plate and cutlery clattered against the counter. Chief Swan's thoughts finally became suspicious.
"In a hurry?"
"Yeah, I'm tired. I'm going to bed early."
"You look kind of keyed up."
"Do I?" She said, her desperation to escape the subject was evident in her dismissive tone. The scratch of bristles on china and the slosh of dishwater reached me from the kitchen.
"It's saturday..."
She didn't answer.
"No plans tonight?"
I imagined how Bella's eyes would flash, exasperated, over to him. "No, Dad, I just want to get some sleep."
"None of the boys in town your type, eh?"
Bella sighed. The Chief was definitely getting too interested. "No, none of the boys in town have caught my eye yet."
I smiled. Boys indeed!
"I thought that maybe that Mike Newton… you said he was friendly." The smile slipped from my face, and a hiss escaped my tensed lips. My fists unconsciously gathered up swathes of bedclothes, and the tendons in my neck strained as my jaw clenched.
He's just a friend, Dad." she assured him. I relaxed.
"Well, you're too good for them all, anyway." How right he was. "Wait till you get to college to start looking."
Bella's footsteps started down the hall.
"Sounds like a good idea to me." Her tone was flippant as she plodded, overly slowly up the stairs.
"'Night, honey."
"See you in the morning, Dad." The chief's thoughts were still suspicious when his attention returned to his dinner. The second Bella reached the landing, I flew off the bed and tucked myself into the minute space between her wardrobe and the wall, childishly wishing to surprise her.
She burst into her room, slamming the door loudly behind her, looking around wildly. She then rushed to her window, her back to the rest of the room, and threw it open, a little too forcefully. I slipped from my hiding place, and returned to lounging on her bed.
She leaned over the frame, into the cool night air.
"Edward!" she hissed. I laughed.
"Yes?" I answered.
She spun around, gasping comically, her heartbeat speeding erratically. "Oh!" Her hand went to her throat and she sunk slowly to the floor, gasping.
A gust of wind from the open window blew her scent into me, but it didn't stun me as it once would have. I didn't think of it.
"I'm sorry." I tried not to laugh, unsuccessfully.
"Just give me a minute to restart my heart." Her hand was pressed to her chest, and she took several deep breaths. Very slowly, so as not to startle her again, I leant forward and grasped her forearms securely with both of my hands, being overly carefully not to grip too hard. I lifted her up and placed her on the bed beside me, laying my hand over the top of hers.
"Why don't you sit with me. How's the heart?"
"You tell me - I'm sure you hear it better than I do."
I laughed quietly. We remained like that, listening to her heart, for a long moment. Her face was expressionless as she sat, gazing into space, looking at nothing in particular. I longed to know what she was thinking. Before I could ask, she spoke.
"Can I have a minute to be human?"
"Certainly." I fluttered my hand in the air, indicating that she should go.
"Stay." she said, sternly. Her eyebrows pulled together and her lips pursed. How could she imagine that I would want to leave?
"Yes ma'am." I joked and made my body freeze limb by limb, until I was sitting perfectly still on her bed. She smiled, standing to retrieve her threadbare night clothes from the floor and bag from the desk, and hurried from the room.
For a while, I devoted my mind, for the most part, to listening to Bella bang and crash around in the tiny bathroom. Every now and then, her heartbeats would pick up, thudding twice as fast as normal. I wondered what she could be thinking about, that would provoke that reaction. I think I had a pretty good idea…
Today, I had become a completely different person. Not necessarily a better person, on the contrary, but a much happier one. I was absolutely ecstatic. So happy, happier than I had ever been throughout the whole of my too long life. Every time I thought of her, just meters away, my frozen heart swelled so big that it threatened to burst from my stone chest. I felt I could sing. Anything was possible, now that I had Bella.
It was so hard to believe that I was actually sat in her room, on her bed, because she wanted me to. It was almost easier to tell myself that I had somehow, impossibly fallen asleep, and was having the best dream my sub-consciousness could think up. It was a kind of heaven, being in the knowledge that she wanted me, like I wanted - needed - her.
I had to consider - despite how much I hated to - how to avoid things going wrong. There was still a danger of things getting to much for me to handle. I had proved to myself today, that the majority of my worries were needless. But I would have to pay the utmost attention at all times, I couldn't afford to let my concentration slip for even a second.
The noisy whir of the shower pump stuttered to a stop, shattering my daydreams. Not that I was at all annoyed. Reality was better than any daydream I could imagine. I listened impatiently as Bella clattered around the bathroom.
Finally, the squeak of the door's hinges announced that Bella had finished her 'human moment', and was returning to me. But she surprised me, instead of bursting into the room, she continued across the landing and barrelled down the stairs, headed down the hallway to stop just in the doorway of the living room, where her father was sitting watching TV.
"'Night, Dad." She said over the noise of the hockey game commentator.
Chief Swan's thoughts were a little bit too surprised at the sight of his daughter, standing dripping and wearing night clothes in the doorway. I knew that he had been suspicious. And so did she. That must be what she was doing. Dismissing her father's suspicions. The chief's thoughts were too vague for me to confirm whether Bella's ploy had been successful, but his attention had returned to the game by the time he replied.
"'Night, Bella."
She rushed from the room, almost sprinted down the hallway, and bounded up the stairs, two at a time. She burst through the door, her eyes on me before it was fully opened and a glorious smile lit up her face. I had kept my promise - I hadn't moved so much as a millimetre since she'd left me - but could do nothing about the smile that spread across my face in response to hers.
I looked her up and down. Her wet hair, almost black when it was so saturated with water, was dripping down her back, the droplets staining the tattered T-shirt that she wore and hitting the wooden flooring with a soft plinking noise, at her bare feet. I'd seen her wearing the scruffy sweat pants and shirt many times before, when I had visited her at night, so I was used to the unflattering way they hung over her delicate frame. Despite that, wet hair included, she was still heart-stoppingly beautiful.
I cocked an eyebrow at her in mock abhorrence. "Nice."
She pulled a face.
"No, it looks good on you."
"Thanks." she whispered, and crossed the room to join me on the bed. She folded her legs on the duvet cover, and stared down at the floor.
"What was all that for?" I asked.
"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out."
"Oh... Why?"
She sighed and spoke slower than usual. "Apparently, I look a little overexcited."
I cupped my hand beneath her chin, and tilted her head back so that I could see the whole of her face.
"You look very warm, actually." I bent forward, giving into the cravings that were tearing through my body now that I had my hand to her face, and touched my cheek to hers, resting there for a moment. She didn't move, apart from the slight rise and fall of her lungs, and her heartbeat, which I could feel against my face. Predictably, it quickened.
"Mmmmmm…" I sighed, completely at ease.
A minute passed before she spoke. "It seems to be… much easier for you, now, to be close to me."
"Does it seem that way to you?" I let my cheek leave hers, so that my nose could trace the soft curve of her jaw. My hand came up of its own accord, to sweep back the damp lock of hair that had fallen forward over her shoulder. I pressed my lips against the revealed skin of her throat, impossibly soft and yielding. It felt so natural, although I had absolutely no experience with this sort of thing, every action of love came effortlessly, I knew what to do without thinking. My breath came quicker against her skin as she answered.
"Much, much easier." Her voice was shaky and breathless.
"Hmm." It was getting hard to concentrate.
"So I was wondering…"
My fingers crept upwards to follow the flawless lines of her collarbones through her shirt, and I continued to kiss her throat adoringly. Her heart was pounding, it did nothing to help me keep a hold on my self control. Her breathing was jagged, I could feel the hot gusts ruffle my hair. I remembered that she hadn't finished her sentence…
"Yes?" I whispered against her skin.
"Why is that… do you think?" Her words were uneven, like she was having trouble controlling her voice.
I laughed breathlessly. "Mind over matter."
Immediately, she drew away from me. I stiffened, realising too late that I had been dangerously close to loosing it.
I leaned back, so that I could see her face. I was tensed for rejection - I had no idea what had brought on her unanticipated reaction, unless she had recognised my lapse in control before I had - but her expression was undecipherable.
"Did I do something wrong?" I asked.
Her face became almost frustrated. "No - the opposite. You're driving me crazy!"
I felt a grin spread across my face, relaxing the rest of my body. "Really?"
"Would you like a round of applause?"
"I'm just pleasantly surprised. In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I would want to be with… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find that I'm good at it… at being with you…" I kept my tone light, teasing, although inside, I was flying again, soaring above the clouds like an eagle that had just found his wings.
"You're good at everything." She complimented bluntly. I shrugged, equalling her offhand manner. We laughed together, under our breath.
"But how can it be so easy now? This afternoon…"
I sighed. "It's not easy. But this afternoon, I was still… undecided. I am sorry about that. It was unforgivable for me to behave so."
"Not unforgivable."
"Thank you." I smiled gratefully, then stared down at her hands, resting in her lap. "You see, I wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" I reached for one of them, and held it loosely to my cheek. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be… overcome" - I lifted her hand so that I could breathe in the delicious scent of the veins at her wrist - "I was… susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I was strong enough, that there was no possibility that I would… that I ever could…" As much as I was trying to explain it to her, I was trying just as hard to explain it to myself. I had gone through so many irreversible changes in the last day, that I felt that I perhaps didn't even know myself anymore. I was a completely different person. Changed beyond recognition. No longer the dismal, moping character of the last century, drowning in my sorrows. I had been revamped! I almost laughed.
"So there's no possibility now?"
"Mind over matter." I reminded her with a grin.
"Wow, that was easy."
I threw back my head and laughed.
"Easy for you!" I said, and tapped her nose with my index finger. Then I pulled myself together, wiped the merriment from my face, and became sober.
"I'm trying. If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave." I hated to admit such things to her, when the mood was so light. Apparently, she didn't like it either. She glared at me.
"And it will be harder tomorrow, I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitised. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think."
"Don't go away, then." she said defiantly.
"That suits me. Bring on the shackles, I'm your prisoner." But my hands found hers, and formed cuffs around her wrists. I chortled to myself. She smiled.
"You seem more… optimistic than usual." She noted, matter-of-factly. "I haven't seen you like this before."
Of course. Her only experiences of me had been unexplained bad moods and riddle like warnings that were almost threats, designed specifically to keep her up all night, as she had once put it. I smiled. This new me must be quite a shock for her.
"Isn't it supposed to be like this? The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the different between reading about something, seeing it in pictures, and experiencing it?"
"Very different. More forceful than I'd imagined."
"For example"- my words sped up, became more intense - "the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…" I frowned. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"
She nodded. "The day you started talking to me again."
"I was surprised at the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt - I didn't recognise what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I tried not to care.
"And then the line started forming." I chuckled, she scowled.
"I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure." Her eyes stared away from me, into the darkness, reliving the memories from a different perspective.
"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral and ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you, as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry." I felt my face melt into a marvelling half-smile at the next memory. I continued in a whisper.
"And then, as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer." Her heart was pounding erratically. I wondered what would have happened if I had chosen not to watch Bella sleep that night. Would we still be teetering on the painful tightrope of a half-formed acquaintance? I didn't think so… Mike and the other boy's interest in Bella had been the key, the jealousy that had flared had caught me off guard, made me realise that I loved her. I couldn't have fought it for long.
"But jealousy… it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…" I shook my head.
"I should have known you'd be listening."
"Of course."
"That made you feel jealous, though, really? "
"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh."
"But honestly," She mocked. "for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie - Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, Rosalie - was meant for you, Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?"
"There's no competition." I smiled, flashing my teeth, and pulled her hands, which I still had locked in my grasp, carefully behind my back, so that her body was pressed tight against mine.
"I know there's no competition, that's the problem."
I sighed "Of course Rosalie is beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me." I glanced down at her hair, almost dry now. "For almost ninety years I have walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realising what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."
"It hardly seems fair," she whispered. Her breath was hot on my bare chest. "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easy?"
I snorted. "You're right. I should make this harder for you definitely."
I let go of her wrist with my left hand, to grasp it in my right, and stroked her damp hair from the roots to the tips with my free hand. "You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity… what's that worth?"
"Very little - I don't feel deprived of anything."
"Not yet." My voice turned bitter with pain as Alice's vision swam to the forefront of my mind, casting a dark shadow over my jovial mood. I felt Bella try to pull away from me, but I restrained her.
I almost missed the sound of approaching thoughts and footsteps, coming up the stairs to bed, therefore nearly not catching the intention of those thoughts. She had just started to say something, when I tensed, listening harder. Charlie was walking across the landing… I slid away from her, forsaking her warmth for the comparatively cold wooden floor underneath her bed. This hiding place was starting to get a bit too familiar, I thought with a smile. I heard Bella's sharp intake of breath, but no sound to indicate that she was moving.
"Lie down!" I hissed at her, just seconds before the door swung open to reveal a still dubious Charlie. She flung herself down onto the mattress and pulled the covers up around her in one, almost-too-slow movement. Her breathing lengthened and became far too loud for sleep, and I expected that Charlie would have followed that up if he hadn't been so desperate to get to bed. I fought back a chuckle as he sighed and pulled the door up behind him.
Bella's breathing returned to normal. I waited for the direction of Chief Swan's thoughts to turn away from Bella and her atrocious acting, before sliding out from beneath the bed and slipping straight under the covers. I hugged her gently to my chest, and my lips found her ear. Her heart was pounding a staccato piece in her chest.
"You are a terrible actress - I'd say that career path is out for you."
"Darn it." She said, a little to intensely. Her heart rate continued to quicken ridiculously. She could never rest while that was going on. I began to croon the lullaby I had composed for her, in an effort to calm her and set her on the path of sleep.
"Should I sing you to sleep?"
"Right! Like I could sleep with you here!" She laughed under her breath.
"You do it all the time."
"But I didn't know you were here."
I repressed a laugh at her sharp tone.
"So if you don't want to sleep…" I was content to talk some more, I was sure it wouldn't hurt her too much to miss out on a small amount of sleep. I was curious to hear her breathing stutter.
"If I don't want to sleep…?"
I chuckled. "What do you want to do then?"
She was quiet for a moment. I leant closer and breathed in the scent of her hair.
"I'm not sure." She eventually answered.
"Tell me when you decide." I held her closer still, and hungrily inhaled the delicious perfume of her throat, running my nose along the length of her jawline and closing my eyes in heaven.
"I thought you were desensitized."
"Just because I'm resisting the wine, doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I whispered against her throat. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia." Once you got passed the initial burning, the flower likeness was very prominent. "It's mouth watering."
"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell."
I laughed quietly.
"I've decided what I want to do. I want to hear more about you."
"Ask me anything."
She paused. "Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can try so hard to resist what you… are. Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do. I just don't see why you would bother in the first place."
I contemplated for a moment before answering. "That's a good question, and you are not the first one to ask it. The others - the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot - they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been… dealt a certain hand… it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above - to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain what ever essential humanity we can." She was silent for a long time, until I was sure she must have fallen asleep. Her breathing was calm and regular, and her heartbeat had steadied to a more regular rhythm.
"Did you fall asleep?"
"No."
"Is that all you were curious about?"
"Not quite." she muttered sarcastistically.
I grinned. "What else do you want to know?"
"Why can you read minds - why only you? And Alice, seeing the future… why does that happen?"
I shrugged around her. "We don't really know. Carlisle has a theory… he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified - like our minds and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, where ever she was."
"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?"
"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her… tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness." I smirked. "Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him - calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift."
She mulled that over for a minute in the darkness.
"Where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on…"
"Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force which created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?"
"Let me get this straight - I'm the baby seal, right?"
"Right," I chortled, and kissed her hair. She was quiet for a moment.
"Are you ready to sleep? Or do you have anymore questions?"
I almost heardher eyes roll.
"Only a million or two."
"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" What a release it was to be sure of that.
"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning? You are mythical, after all."
I could never leave, never after the magic in the meadow this afternoon. She was mine and I was hers, for as long as she lived. "I won't leave you." I swore.
"One more, then, tonight…" Sudden heat flared against my face - she was blushing?
"What is it?"
It got hotter under the bedclothes.
"No, forget it. I changed my mind."
"Bella, you can ask me anything." I was desperate now. She remained silent, exasperating me farther. I groaned.
"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and worse!"
"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking." I decided that it was time to fight dirty, if she wasn't going to cooperate. I used my most persuasive tone, and whispered in her ear.
"Please?" It was annoying that I wasn't facing her; I was sure that if I could stare into her eyes, this would work better. It wasn't enough, she shook her head.
"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume it's something much worse than it is…" I warned, menacingly. "Please?"
"Well,"
"Yes…?"
"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon… Is that… marriage… the same as it is for humans?" Her meaning clicked in my head. I laughed, slightly uneasily.
"Is that what you're getting at?"
She shifted uncomfortably on the mattress.
"Yes, I suppose it is much the same. I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."
"Oh," she said simply.
"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?" I hoped that this wasn't going where I feared…
"Well, I did wonder… about you and me… someday…" That sobered me up. Pain lashed viciously in my chest.
"I don't think that… that… would be possible for us." She was just so breakable. I knew that I wouldn't have a hope in hell of keeping my concentration intact, if I was to allow myself to be subjected to such incredibly powerful emotions and desires that would stem from such a partaking. I had shared a house with three desperately in love couples long enough to know that much.
"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that… close?"
"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." I spoke quietly and sombrely. I hated the way things were between us, the differences and complications that no other couple in the whole of history had ever been faced with. I gently held my hand to her heated cheek, and sighed. "If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake." I gulped. " You don't realise how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."
She didn't speak, or couldn't. The agony returned.
"Are you scared?"
She took a moment to answer. "No. I'm fine." But her voice shook underneath the bravado, and her body was too still against mine. I waited for her to relax. I wondered for a moment, judging by the unwilling, awkward way she had approached the subject, I wondered…
"I'm curious now, though… Have you ever…" If I could blush, I probably would have done then.
"Of course not!" she said, flustered. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."
"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."
"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all."
I was relieved, although I couldn't tell myself why. Even though I knew already that Bella wasn't that sort of person, it was still nice to know.
"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least."
"Your human instincts…" She paused, I waited. "Well, do you find me attractive, in that way, at all?"
I laughed and mussed her damp hair good-humouredly.
"I may not be human, but I am a man." I reminded her, chuckling.
She yawned massively.
"I've answered your questions, now you should sleep."
"I'm not sure if I can."
"Do you want me to leave?" I asked.
"No!" She almost shouted. Charlie's snores stuttered in the other room, but there was no sign of him waking. I laughed, enjoying her reaction, then began again to hum her lullaby, mellifluously in her ear.
Only one minute later, she was asleep.
It was so strange, laying with her on the bed, not watching her sleep from a cautious distance. Obviously, this was a hundred times more preferable. It was very warm beneath the duvet, and Bella' s steady breathing and heartbeat lulled me to a state as close to sleep as I was ever going to get.
Charlie was fast asleep in the other room, and not likely to stir anytime soon; he was sleeping peacefully, but I couldn't make sense of whatever he was dreaming about. Fishing again, perhaps? It was too vague.
I hadn't felt this serene since… ever. I'd never let my guard slip so much, but I had never had to pay so close attention to everything I did before, either. It wasn't difficult, as long as I concentrated, I could balance everything easily enough. It was just the things that needed balancing that I needed to get used to.
Right now, for instance, everything was perfectly fine. My body was humming, pulsing with the electric current that stemmed from somewhere inside Bella, who I held in my arms. So that levelled out the thirst, which was quite manageable now.
She sighed, and moved restlessly in her sleep, rolling over onto her other side so that she was facing me. She gathered up the bedclothes around her and curled into a ball, nestled against my chest.
I pressed my forehead to hers and closed my eyes, matching my breathing tempo with hers.
She seemed to be aware of my presence even in unconsciousness, because despite the cold and hardness, she snuggled closer to me.
She smiled in her sleep, and I smiled too.
"Edward..." she murmured.
"Yes?" I whispered.
"Oh, Edward… stay with me."
"Forever, my love, as long as that's what's good for you."
"Mmmm…" I felt a slight frown pucker her brow. It was hard to believe she was really asleep. If I'd known that she would talk back, how much more interesting would those nights spent in her bedroom have been?
"Edward…"
"Mm-hmm?"
"I love you…" she breathed.
I gasped, and pulled her tighter to my chest. My heart had wings once more, and I struggled to keep it from flying from my chest. I kissed her forehead tenderly.
"I love you more, my Bella, more than you could ever understand."
She showed no sign of responding, but her face was set in such an expression of smugness, that I laughed soundlessly.
When my breath touched her face, a shiver juddered down her spine. I realized that she had goose-bumps running up and down her arms, and her lips were quivering.
Reluctantly, I drew away from her. She was cold. I berated myself for not thinking of that before. Of course she would be cold, laying so close to my icy skin.
I brushed her cheek once with my fingers, and darted from the room, to snatch a blanket from the airing cupboard on the landing.
I laid it carefully over her.
A scowl marred her features - I knelt by the side of the bed, not wanting to cool her further - and she tossed and turned beneath the extra weight of the blanket. Her hands searched the bed, her frown getting deeper when they came up empty.
I chuckled, guessing what she was looking for, and caught her hands with mine.
She relaxed immediately. The grimace disappeared.
I waited for her to settle completely. Then, when I was sure she was deep under, I stood, allowing one parting brush of my fingers across her cheek, and slipped from the window.
It was time to tell the others.
I flitted through the trees like Hermes, my joy colouring my speed so that I almost flew across the terrain.
I arrived back at the house, almost seconds later. Alice was sat on the porch steps waiting for me, a huge smile on her face.
Can I say it? Smugness radiated from her thoughts.
"Go ahead." I grinned back.
I told you so! She showed me what she was seeing now, an image of myself. She pointed out all of the changes, comparing the picture to one of me from a few weeks before. She's really changed you, so much for the better. She teased, thinking of my tendency to mope, and the dark mood swings I had been prone to, which kept everyone away from me for days.
I looked at myself closely through her eyes. All evidence of the worry and uncertainty I had been feeling so much of lately had vanished. My light gold eyes were bright with excitement, my hair was ruffled and wind-swept from the run, my clothes were creased from laying in the meadow all day and on the bed with Bella just now.
A completely different person.
"Yes." I said. Alice grinned and flitted into the house.
It was no surprise that the whole family had gathered in the front room, with one exception, of course. They were clustered against the far wall, smiles painted across each of their faces.
"Oh, Edward, my son." Esme crooned, crossing the room to embrace me tightly. Her happiness was a soundless laugh in her thoughts.
Edward, Carlisle thought simply. He too closed the distance between us, and clasped my shoulder firmly. His pride washed over me in a tidal wave of emotion.
Emmett laughed his booming guffaw, gawking at the differences in my face in disbelief. Wow, was all he thought.
Jasper hovered on the edge of the party, smiling despite his former opinions, the joy coming from everyone in the room colouring his own mood. I was wrong. I'm sorry. She's very good for you, I see that now. I clapped him on the back.
"Don't worry. You know that I had my doubts, even though I hated to admit it."
He grinned.
Alice hung back, smiling complacently to herself. She caught me looking at her, and poked her tongue out. Get out of here. I smiled in thanks. She knew me better than anyone, so she was very aware that this wasn't where I wanted to be right now.
I pulled away from my family. Esme held me at arms length; I lowered my face so that she could plant a kiss on my forehead.
"I'm so proud of you." she whispered, then pushed me away. I spared one parting glance for my father.
"I'll see you tomorrow - and so will Bella." I called over my shoulder. Remembering something, I paused halfway up the stairs and looked at Jasper.
"Bella will be coming tomorrow. So I think, to make it easier for everyone, it would be sensible for you to keep your distance, if you agree."
He nodded. Alice stepped forward, placing a hand on his arm.
"Thank you. Really. All of you." I finished, looking at each member of my family in turn.
I dashed up the stairs, both flights, and into my room. Faster than light, I yanked on another pair of pants and a clean shirt from the wardrobe, yanking a brush through my untidy hair.
Not bothering with the stairs, I leapt from the window, landing twenty meters from the house, and sped across the lawn, weaving between the sycamores.
I extended my stride on the run back. The sky was turning a faint orange pink, the stars being swallowed up by the light of sunrise.
I chanced upon the scent of a white deer, in the woods not far from Chief Swan's house. It wouldn't do to pass on such a good opportunity, so I hunted the animal. I had to do everything I could to keep myself safe for Bella today. Of course I would spend it with her.
It had only been minutes since leaving Bella's room, but looking at her now, it felt as though hours had passed. As soon as I slipped through her window, the tension I hadn't been aware of feeling slipped from my system.
I settled in the rocking chair, across from the bed. This was more like the other nights I had spent in Bella's presence. If not for the wonderful memories, it would have felt just the same.
I watched her silently as the dull dawn light filtered through the open window, the meagre sunlight picking out different colours in Bella's hair copper, red, and gold.