Out of nowhere everything suddenly becomes white. Blindingly white. So white that my eyes are burning even though they are closed. Why are they closed? And why is everything white? Is this what heaven looks like? Or is it what hell looks like? Probably hell since there's no way that I'm going to heaven. I've done too much fucked up shit in my life to go to heaven. Is this how I'm going to pay for my "sins" on earth? Having my eyes burned out by this white light? I hope not since I'll just become even crazier.
But wait… the lights becoming less bright. Are those voices I hear? Is hell not just this bright light? Are there like people in hell who I can socialize with? Will this be better than my shitty life on earth? Though that voice sounds awfully like my mom.
That's not possible though, right? I mean I killed myself. I saw the world disappear and go black. Maybe I was too late though. Maybe the ambulance arrived before I had completely died. Maybe I'm still alive. I really hope that I'm not still alive. I don't think I'll ever be able to face my mom and dad again. I'm also not capable of going back to being that weak, ugly, stupid, and never good enough girl again.
Things are staring to come back into focus. I see a bunch of white squares and hear a ton of beeps. Why won't they just shut the fuck up? Then I see my mom leaning over me with tears in her eyes.
"Oh sweetie, I'm so glad you're alive. Everything's going to be ok. You're going to be ok. I promise you my beautiful, smart little girl. Hold on baby, it's all gonna be ok," I hear my mom choking out through the tears. While I know it's a bunch of bullshit, it still hurts to know that I caused my parents so much pain and that they're so naive. Just another thing to add to the list of the failures of my life.
Then some obnoxious person, I assume a doctor, came in and asked my parents to leave. After more tearful goodbyes, it was finally just me and Mr. Mystery Guy. After pulling up a stool, quite loudly might I add, he started her speech.
"So my name is Dr. Maria. I'm one of the many doctors we have here in the psychiatric ward. After many of our patients who come here after suicide attempts wake up, they tend to be upset that they're not dead and in heaven or hell. They also tend to think that every time someone says that they're glad you're alive that it's total BS. I truly am glad you're alive. If not because I think you're a wonderful young lady than because it gives me a job and it brings some of the other teens here a new companion. You're going to be stuck here with us for at least a month. Our goal here is to show you how much you have to live for and to help you out of your depression while rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence. I know it seems impossible right now, but I guarantee you, by the time you get out of here you will be a fully functional human being again. You might not be able to see your parents for the next few days as we try to stabilize you so you won't attempt suicide again. Hopefully you will find some positive meaning in everything I just said. I'll be back in about an hour. Good luck coming back from the land of in-between."
Out of that mouthful I got a few things. One- I actually kind of like this doctor and two- they are going to have a hell of a time trying to "fix me." Apparently I have an hour to just lie here and "try to return from the land of in-between." Fun!