The wedding would be held at Shinou's temple in late spring, just over a year from now.

I was close to the last to know. Court functions and formalities were not within my purview and, around the time the decision was made, I had made myself scarce.

It was Gunter who told me, just as I returned from a week-long patrol, asking if I would be in Wolfram's party, as his brother, or Yuuri's as the captain of his guard. He looked happily frazzled, with all the planning going on. I just felt sick.

While it had been weeks since the unfortunate kiss, since I'd ignored everything but my baser instincts and indulged in my destructive desire, I could still remember everything about it. The way Yuuri felt, smelled, tasted as his lips parted eagerly under mine, no lack of experience there. For a glorious moment, I didn't care that he was Wolfram's fiancé, Julia's reincarnation, The Maou… in that moment, he was just Yuuri and I drank him in.

Then the moment ended, and we both realized what we'd done. The meaning of it. The consequences.

That was the last time we were alone together. It had taken a near disaster to show me how weak I truly was, and how my good intentions couldn't shield Yuuri from that weakness.

But I still remembered everything about that one moment.

I should be grateful that Yuuri clearly didn't. What had been for me the fulfillment of a desperate desire, was probably just a comforting gesture to him. But hearing that he'd immediately gone back to planning his wedding without hesitation…

I told Gunter that it would probably be more appropriate for me to stand with Gwendal and my mother at Wolfram's side. After all, the captain of his guard was just another servant to The Maou.

Gunter agreed, that was protocol after all, but Yuuri and Wolfram had insisted that the decision be mine.

I hoped that Yuuri had been the one to ask, wanting me by his side. But it was far more likely to have been Wolfram's request, giving me an opportunity to reject him as he'd rejected me. He may not have believed in forgiveness, but vengeance… that he understood, and offered me time and time again.

It's apology enough, even if I'll never take him up on it.

And it means a lot that it's even offered. Since Yuuri came, Wolfram has become a better person – more accepting and less willing to hold grudges, although his temper is as fiery as ever. I've benefited a lot from Yuuri's influence on Wolfram, and I'm incredibly grateful.

While he may never call me 'little big brother' again, he calls me by my name. That means a lot.

I've changed too, I suppose. I've become better adept at lying, both to others and myself. I've become sneakier, stealing moments and casual embraces that were never mine to take. But I've also become more passionate, now that I have something I'd die for again. It's not Yuuri's fault that his mere presence turns me into a man that I despise. It's my own weaknesses.

And now, as I hide from the two people I care more about than anyone else, I can add 'cowardice' to that list of weaknesses.

Enough.

If Yuuri has truly chosen Wolfram… If that moment with me meant nothing… If my fears and guilt are meaningless in the face of their love… Then I can return to his side. I can take my place as his sword and shield and watch him create a happy life with my beloved brother. I can stand guard over them and protect them without tainting their happiness. I can smile and advise and nurture them, so that Yuuri has a place to vent when they fight and Wolfram has someone to yell at rather than his… his husband. I can be that person. And, in doing so, I can be a part of that happiness.

I told Yuuri that when he called me 'brother' it made me happy. It truly did. But in that one moment, I realized I'd been defeated in a battle I hadn't even meant to fight. Wolfram had won Yuuri's heart, and I could only watch Yuuri slowly realize it too. I don't know if Wolfram knows, even now, that he's won.

I do know that he knew, before I did, that it was a battle. But Wolfram, for all that he may be selfish and bratty, has always been remarkably astute and honest.

He is my precious only little brother and I love him.

Yuuri is my King and Lord, and I love him too.

I wish I loved them both in the same way. Perhaps one day, if I try, I will.

But for now, I will simply do what I do best – smile and lie. I will stand by Wolfram and watch him pledge himself to Yuuri, watch him accept Yuuri's pledge in return, and no one will suspect that I wish I was in his place and he in mine. As long as I never act on these thoughts and wishes, they will remain buried within me, secreted away from anyone else and readily deniable should the question come up.

As long as I don't act on them. Again.

It's just as well Gwendal refused my request for another week of patrol. After all, I should be here, to help prepare for the upcoming nuptials.

It's my duty, after all.

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

I should have been relieved at having Conrad back, even weeks after I kissed him.

…I'm still not sure why that happened.

And it doesn't really matter. The point is, if he was ever angry at me for it, he forgave me. Now he's back and nothing's changed. Which should have been a huge relief.

I don't know why it's more of a disappointment or a let-down. Like I wanted things to change.

I don't. I really don't. That's why I'm marrying Wolfram. So that things won't change. So that I have my duty to my country, my family, my friends… everything wrapped up in a nice, permanent bundle. But despite my best efforts, things keep changing.

Some things for the better – Gwendal respects me and my opinion more now and Cheri-sama rarely makes lewd suggestions around me, but other things have changed for the worse.

Wolfram and I never argue in public any more. But that just makes the private fights more volatile.

I think it was two days after we set the final date that I resorted to sex to shut him up.

…that sounds wrong. It's not exactly what happened. It's not like I don't care about his concerns or want to address them, but it's never as straightforward as just… caring about his concerns and addressing them.

For instance. When I suggested round tables for the reception, to promote the appearance of equality, Wolfram agreed. He agreed. Until that night when he launched into a rant about traditions and insensitivity and tablecloths of all things…

Wolfram's an honest person. He's probably the most straight-forward person I know. So why do I get the feeling when he's screaming at me about tablecloths that he means something else?

Kissing him can sometimes slow him down and we can actually talk. But when he's really on a roll, the only thing I can do is be grateful that he still wears that delightfully silly nightdress and pin him against the nearest surface. It's rougher than our usual sex, although I've taken to grabbing lubrication the moment we walk into our room, just in case, and it doesn't really fix anything long term, but it tires Wolfram out rather dramatically. In fact, after we're done, I practically have to drag him to bed he's so listless.

It's funny; he always had more stamina than me before…

I wish there was another way to deal with his tantrums, but he won't take 'yes' for an answer sometimes. Most of the time. And I'm so tired of fighting.

Everything will be better once we're married. I just have to keep believing that.

Things have a way of working out. Sure, there's going to be a hiccough or three along the way, but everything works out in the end. Like Conrad; I thought I might have lost him as a friend after that kiss, but he came back. True, it's hard to talk to him about Wolfram now, because his smile gets that subtle pained edge to it that's really obvious once you notice it. But still, he's back and that… that's important. Vital.

I need him. More than ever, I need him. Not just as the backbone of sanity in this crazy world, or the unflinching support that I can rely on, but just…

When he's not here, everything is worse. When he's gone all I can think of is him, worrying and stressing and wishing… And when he's here, it's such a relief. A cool breeze or a warm embrace…

No, I shouldn't think of that. Especially not while I'm lying next to Wolfram. It's inappropriate to think of another man's embrace next to your lover.

…isn't it? I mean, maybe it isn't. After all, I don't want Conrad like that. That kiss was a… a mistake. Like the slap that accidentally got me engaged to Wolfram why am I thinking about this I should be sleeping and not–

"Yuuri?"

If I jumped, it wasn't in guilt. It was just in surprise. I thought Wolfram was asleep, that's all. "What is it, Wolf?"

"What are you doing still up?" He sounds sleepy, but getting irritated. I don't know why. It's not my fault he's awake and it's none of his business why I am!

"I'm thinking. Go back to sleep."

"What about?"

…it's a trap. "Nothing. Wolfram…"

He sits up and waves his hand, lighting the bedside lamp. His pupils are huge, but the green still stands out in them, shining almost unnaturally. Eyes like that should be impossible.

His body is marked with bruises and bites from the past few days. His skin is sensitive and he assures me that they don't hurt, but they still make me a little guilty. Wolfram's once perfectly pristine body is now, just as perfectly, marked as mine.

As if reading my mind, Wolfram leans over and kisses me. It's soft and doesn't have to lead to anything, but he's been asking too many questions, so I roll him over and mark him some more. He's quieter than usual, but we both get off. The post-orgasm fuzz descends over my brain and I figure the sex has done its work – stopping Wolfram's questions and preparing me for sleep.

"Yuuri?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

Every time he says that, it seems to get quieter. I never know how to answer. This time, I just pretend to be asleep.

That way, nothing will change.

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

I'm angry. All the time.

Yes, I know, this surprises no one. My temper is rather infamous. But it's never been like this… so raw and exposed and constant.

Gunter calls me 'selfish' and my mother calls me 'sensitive', but being both selfish and sensitive means that I pay a lot of attention to the things and people I care about, and I don't miss much.

I didn't miss the way Yuuri wouldn't look me in the eye the day before Conrad suddenly disappeared for weeks. I never miss the difference in Yuuri's carefree laugh when he doesn't know I'm around compared to the more strained laughter he shares with me. I didn't miss the relief in Yuuri's smile when Conrad came back. But that had been obvious.

Less obvious was the way Conrad looked at me, almost ashamed. Or the way he'd look at Yuuri – determined and guilty. Yes, Conrad's one of the people I pay attention to. Don't read too much into that.

He betrayed me once. No matter what anyone says, whether my reaction was inappropriate or not, the fact is that he deceived and betrayed me. Once. I guess I've forgiven him, if I have this irritating desire to be forgiven by him for how I treated him, but that doesn't mean I'd forgive him if he did it again.

Or Yuuri. Given how I was ridiculed for railing against this very thing, if he and Conrad…

It's things like this that make me angry. But it's something else, something deeper, that makes me angry all the time.

I hate planning the wedding. Gunter's thrilled and even Gwendal will let Yuuri take time to deal with it. Invitation lists, seating arrangements, merging Earth and Shin Makoku traditions… Yuuri's actually quite good at considering implications and making changes that fit with his image of what a Maou's wedding should be like. I'd always thought that, if we ever got married, he'd leave the planning up to my mother and Gunter. And possibly Mama Jennifer. But he's not; he's taking an active and enthusiastic interest.

It infuriates me.

He never cared about anything like this before. Neither the pomp of the wedding, nor the political ramifications of the reception. The fact that he'd put so much effort and time and thought into this, always getting my opinion before making a decision, the fact that he seems to care, to genuinely care about something that I know for a fact he doesn't give a damn about…

I'm not wrong. I'm never wrong about Yuuri. All those times I caught him flirting with girls… he was. He truly preferred them, without even knowing a thing about them, to me. I was right about him being a cheater and a wimp. He's still a wimp, but…

I really don't want to be angry all the time. But I won't be lied to. I won't give my heart and soul to something that's not true. Not again.

This is a hard conversation to have. But I… we need to have it. Or something will break, and I refuse to let that something be me. Or him.

"Yuuri?"

"What is it now, Wolfram?" Yuuri's already gearing up for a fight. And who can blame him? I've certainly given him enough reason to expect it.

"We need to talk."

Yuuri's hesitation is kind of cute. It's been a while since I've been able to appreciate his cuteness. It's the little things like that; the way he looks at me with wide eyes, the way he sits close but not too close, the hope and trepidation that mingle in his expression…

And, for the first time in a long time, I'm not angry. Whatever happens, I won't be angry.

When I lean over and kiss him, there's a flash of relief, but it barely outlasts the light kiss.

"Why are you marrying me?"

And the look of pained irritation is back. "Wolfram, we've been over this…"

"No, we haven't." I reach out and hold his hand, desperate to show him that I'm not angry and I refuse to be. "You've told me that you will, and I'm grateful, but I need to know. Why are you marrying me?"

Yuuri doesn't answer. He still looks irritated, but confused as well now.

"Do you love me?" I've never asked before and he's never said. Even now, rather than answering, he flushes and looks away. "Yuuri… if you're doing this for political reasons, or to keep me happy, or even to make Greta or my family happy… that's fine. If that's what you want. A political marriage… I could tolerate that. Can you?"

When Yuuri sucks in his breath, it sounds like I've struck him. I reach out and stroke his hair. "Yuuri, I love you. I really do. Do you love me?"

"Yes." This is the first time Yuuri admitted this, and it does make me feel better, a warmth spreading through me. "But I'm not in love with you, Wolfram."

Honesty. For the first time in months. It hurts but, somehow, it soothes the other pain that I've been carrying inside me all this time. "Do you still want to marry me?"

Yuuri's crying now, tears without sound or sobs. "No. No, I… I don't want this. I'm sorry, Wolfram, I don't want–"

"Then it's over." I feel numb.

Yuuri starts sobbing.