How to Survive in a Walled Dystopia

by Kino Ametsuchi

Inspired by Skippy's list and a fanfiction called 1000 Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts by SilkenRoseDreams this story is about mostly general things that will ensure the unfortunate person who winds up stuck there lives longer. Most things are my own but feel free to message me to add on to them (with shout-out) and use some of the as long as you let me know.

2. 101 to 200

101. I am not allowed to brew alcoholic beverages in or near the survey corps headquarters.

102. -nor am I allowed to give and/or sell ouzo, saki and any other beverage I might brew to Dot Pixis

103. Levi does not enjoy being called "Sexy".

104. -Neither does he respond favorably to "Lev", "Vivi" or "Crazy/Psycho Midget".

105. Fresh cadets are not to be fed to Titans.

106. Hange does not have relationships with Titans, and I should stop implying as such.

107. I am not authorized to sell Jean's artwork

108. -Giving the same drawings away free of charge is also frowned upon.

109. Annie is not a snow woman and I will stop implying as such.

110. -also using her to hold things I want cold to prove or disprove that theory is frowned upon.

111. I am forbidden from using illusions and hypnosis to force normal civilians to dance for my amusement

112. I will not torture or kill the anyone's friends in front of my current target. This increases the chance that his hidden powers will activate and kill me. I will take special care not to provoke the foe after I have won the fight.

113. I will stop referring to fresh cadets in the survey corps as "cannon fodder." Especially if I join them.

114. I will not declare myself the Jesus and/or Deity of this world.

115. -Even if it might be true.

116. My commander's name is currently Erwin, not "Mr. Eyebrows" or "Might Guy."

117. Bertolt is not my valet.

118. When given orders from my direct superior, I will not ask "Why?"

119. Cadets should not be encouraged to believe that Titans can be redeemed through the power of love and friendship.

120. I am not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

121. I am not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for DNA samples.

122. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my uniform.

123. There is no "open-mike night" at Survey Corps

124. I am not allowed to purchase anyone's soul when on the job. Free time or down time it is allowed.

125. There is no bring a Titan to work day.

126. And I should stop insisting there is.

127. I will know that the best defense is the status quo, so I will use it against my enemies and do everything in my power to maintain it.

128. I must not spread rumors that Zeke is, was, or ever will be known in certain circles as "Furry Titan."

129. My allies will be taught to get along with each other to the point that they can use the power of friendship against a more heroic group of true companions.

130. I will not give Reiner porn magazines.

131. When fighting Titan Shifters in the regular breaching of the Walls, I will not lift my sword skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"

132. -nor will I start singing, "To the windows, Through the Walls" when they go through said Walls

133. I will not refer to Eren as "the Energizer Titan that runs on rage".

134. -Even if it is a legitimate nickname and summary of his personality.

135. I must not start a "Vetinari for King/Ruler/Emperor/Mayor of the entire Walled City" campaign.

136. God may not contradict any of my orders.

137. -Saying Kouzai and/or Jashin suggests a better alternative is not allowed either.

138. I will not go to any Church of the Walls building and argue with the current highest position there that Titans and humanity in general are a direct contradiction of the concept of intelligent design.

139. I will remind myself that my goal is to take over (I mean save) the world, NOT to destroy it. I will watch out for any asshole who wishes to cause the apocalypse. Especially if they are similar to me in power.

140. I am not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters for the survey corps.

141. I should not refer to survey corps commanders and rank-and-fire soldiers as "canaries in the coal mine".

142. I will not say the phrase "Living Emotional Crutch" to Levi's Living Emotional Crutches.

143. I will not convince Armin that books of fairy tales and myths are a part of the lost history of the world.

144. There is not now, nor has there ever been, ten different Titan Shifters, and I am not a member of that elusive shifter lineage, nor am I its origin point.

145. Animals and pets are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of the war with Titans".

146. - I will not refer to "Titans" as pets.

147. I will not refer to Zeke as a monkey's uncle.

148. I am not allowed to say "Can't Make It To Church. Just Too Many Human Sacrifices To Perform. Sorry." when I am invited to attend a meeting at the Church of the Walls.

149. Saying "I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns," is not acceptable or available when you live where you work.

150. I will constantly have several useful, but superfluous plans in motion, with much less security than my actual plans. If they succeed I shall turn a profit, if not then the troublemaker has just wasted valuable time stopping them.

151. - I shall also remember to give these plans just enough security that the bastard interfering never says "This is too easy."

152. For whatever hellish reason I decide to apply for a post in the Military Police Brigade after training corps graduation, I should not cite "Kenny Ackeman" as my greatest influence.

153. Putting down "Levi Ackerman" is probably not best either.

154. -Nor is putting down "Eren Jaeger"

155. Must not refer to Levi as "Mom" if I want to live.

156. -Nor may I refer to him "Shadow King," "the man pulling the strings," "the man behind the curtain" or "Man behind the Man". Even if it turns out he is.

157. Must not refer to Commander Erwin as "Dad".

158. -Nor may I refer to him as Tamaki, Might Guy, or ask him to teach me how to properly use the Eight Gates.

159. Erwin's (and later Hange) proper title is "Commander", not "My Liege".

160. The Military Police Brigade headquarters is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy". Even though it is.

161. If I am ever short on cash but have a handy new invention, I will just sell it on the black market and auction house for tons of cash and collect it anonymously.

162. I will build more hospitals and advance medicine. The doctors and medics will treat frontline soldiers first, and civilians second. This means I'll lose less soldiers, civilians will have more incentive to join the survey and Garrison, and my allies will be far more loyal for seeing such a positive thing done for others. It isn't bad in nature, but it allows me to further my cause(s) more easily.

163. My motives will always appear to be sympathetic. The reason is simple; if the population thinks that I'm just misguided, they'll try to talk me out of whatever I'm doing or seek a mutually beneficial alliance, instead of constantly trying to kill me.

164. I must never underestimate anyone. I will always assume they're a threat, even if they're stupid/silly/naive/dead. And I will expect my underlings to assume the same.

165. If I make a bargain with anyone, I will do my best to actually hold up my end; lest it come back to bite me in the ass later. They only time I will backstab anyone is if I can kill everyone involved who could conceivably get back at me.

166. I will not tell anyone I don't have to that I prophesied their death.

167. I will not tell Eren that I had a vision of him killing everyone.

168. I will not refer to Hange as the resident Titan Fucker, no matter how funny thing the mental image is.

169. -Nor will I ask her if she aspires to be one.

170. All cadets (or at least as many as is practical) will be required to know basic first aid.

171. Cadets will be trained to gang up on enemies and attack relentlessly, and not sit around waiting their turn to fight. Or more likely die.

172. If the opponent or titan falls over, the soldiers will shank the SOB. They would get them if they fell down, so why be so fucking nice?

173. If anyone ever asks why I don't simply kill the enemy there and then, and I don't have reasonable answer, they may be right and shall be rewarded. But only after I simply eliminate the foe, should it be possible to do that very soon.

174. Insisting that the survey corps acquire a resident psychologist and psychiatrist is a pointless request as 'they' claim that everyone is mentally sound enough for their jobs.

175. -Nor am I allowed to diagnosis my fellow soldiers without their permission.

176. Taking red paint, mixing it with strawberry jam to make a blood and guts aesthetic and then writing creepy messages on the walls is not allowed.

177. If asked in class what happens when a Titan captures a human, yelling "The human becomes a SNACK!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.

178. When assembling or suggesting teams, I will mentally go through everyone's backstories to check for possible sources of conflict. If one of the potential members happens to blame another for the tragedy that ruined his life, they do not work together.

179. I am not allowed to eat lollipops within Levi's sight ever again. It was worth it.

180. Whenever I temporarily leave my organization or group, I will make sure to put someone competent, but not too ambitious in charge during my absence. I will make it clear that I'm coming home, and the organization/group is on loan, not a gift. And if he fucks it up, I'll fuck him up.

181. I will remember that long-range artillery are a good part of any army and stock up even if I have to design them myself. That way, I have the option to kill titans in a massive area bombardment, rather than only sending infantry that will probably get slaughtered.

182. I may not have a private army.

183. -Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.

184. I should not encourage the manufacturers and inventors of the Wall city to unionize.

185. I must stop referring to Marco as a Mary Sue who was too good for this sinful world.

186. I will make sure to keep my priorities in order: preserving my life and safety (sanity is optional), maintaining the cover of a good little soldier by protecting others, conducting my plans, and saving the world.

187. I call cadets and scouts 'red shirts' , but really, they should all be highly-trained badasses

188. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental technique.

189. Jean is not related to horses, so I will no longer attempt to force him to give me a piggy back ride.

190. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance and celebrate around them.

191. I am not allowed to do any of the following: get shot, die from blood loss, get eaten, set myself on fire, drown myself, get stabbed, or otherwise engage in habits that are borderline suicidal in nature.

192. Ymir does not like being flirted with. Do not tempt fate.

193. Kenny Ackerman knows he is an creepy and nutty individual, he does not need to be told... again.

194. Stealing new cadets clothing and then tossing it into and around the Titan territories of Wall Maria is highly frowned at.

195. The first thing that cadets wilo learn as part of their training will be that standing perfectly still and out in the open during a battle is not going to help their life expectancy. Cover exists for a reason!

196. Stealing food from Sasha is cruel. Bribing her with food is a whole new level of depravity.

197. Trying to out-argue Levi and Hange will lead to no good.

198. Despite popular belief, Armin and Krista are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

199. I will have a suggestion box outside my room. This doesn't necessarily mean I'll read anything inside there, but it will raise morale.

200. I will plan according to my budget. If I do not have the money to design and mass produce the kind of technology required for many of my desired precautions or if I don't have the good ranked soldiers required to supervise the bloody greenies and make sure they actually follow protocol at all times, I will try to find a less expensive option and fix what I can.