Hey everyone! If you're reading this, please give a review as they make my day ever so much more cheerful! Plus I got 11 hits and only one had the time and energy to review. So YesIEatQuiche here you are… your own chapter dedication! I also repeat the offer of a platter of rainbow cookies with sugar and E-numbers. Enjoy!

Lockhart preened at himself in the mirror, his glittering grin stretched across his features. Ignoring the mirror's loud, and rather poignant yawn, he reached over and grabbed a peacock blue plastic tub from his desk. Not taking his eyes from his reflection, his hand ripped open the lid, and dived into the tubs sticky contents. White goo spilled through his fingers, which he hastily applied to his hair. Too quickly. The white substance left a greasy streak down his golden mane, rendering Lockhart to have more than a slight resemblance to Snape on a bad day.

"Great Scott! We'll have to fix that!" Suppressing the urge to give a manic shriek of horror, Lockhart plunged his head into a nearby barrel. Unfortunately, due to the fact that he was hated far and wide, Lockhart's emergency hair cleansing supply had been filled with small, but bitey, piranha fish.

"OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW! BLOW!" With the sudden realisation that his face was going to be devoured, Lockhart attempted to pull his head free- sadly to no avail. Recently, as his book Magical Me had been elevated even further up on the Witch Weekly best-selling list (now number 0-a first in Wizard Novel history) Lockhart's ego had swelled to such a proportion, it had begun to take toll on his physical being. His head, before the arrival of such fabulous "news", had been a slight 25.5 inches in circumference. However, his boasts of how amazing he was at the breakfast table had finally hit home. Incensed, Professor Snape listened to Lockhart's theory on how he was possibly the 'greatest man in Hogwarts' history to teach Defence Against The Dark Arts, and how when Dumbledore finally left, it may be a good idea if he himself was suggested for the top job', then (unbeknown to the fool) took out his wand, concealed it under the table pointed at Lockhart without attracting his notice, and cursed him. It was destined. Every five boasts that uttered from Lockhart's mouth would increase his head size by half an inch. He was, to put it mildly, pretty fucked.

Screaming, for the piranha fish regularly had their teeth sharpened by no less than Fred and George themselves, Lockhart began to panic. What if his head never pulled free from this confounded barrel? His complexion would be ruined. Damn it! He had worked so hard for that peaches 'n' cream effect! As he felt his eyelashes being gnawed, and shrink by approximately 10 centimetres, Lockhart finally lost it. He reduced himself to the lowest of the low, the scum of society, the decimator of all progressive education. Basically, Lockhart did something that he never had done before- apart from the time he had accidentally fallen into the lake with the giant squid whilst he was wearing his new robes made of the finest octopus skin. He swore.

"OH! Get off my eyelashes you fiends! You, you… BASTARDS! Do you KNOW how long these took to glue?... I mean, grow? ARRRGGGGHHHHH!" As a particularly nasty fish deigned itself to the unpleasant task of nibbling Lockhart's upper lip, and Lockhart shamefully gave a rather unmanly squeal, Snape entered his office.

"Lockhart, I have for you a…" Seeing Lockhart dancing around pathetically with a barrel on his head, Snape immediately summed up the situation and gave a smirk. "No matter, it can wait. I can see you're… occupied."

"Snape!" Lockhart whizzed around, the weight of the barrel causing him to fall on his knees. "Could you… could you assist me from this?"

Snape gave another of his twisted grins, and backed from the room. "I can't hear you professor. I may just… have to leave you for a couple of hours until the problems go away."

"The fish are eating my head!"

"Precisely." Snape turned with a swoop of his cloak. "Until the problems go away."

***

A few hours later, and after much struggling, Lockhart had managed to remove his head from the barrel. In that time, he had missed four out of his six classes, all of which Snape had taken over and succeeded in convincing all students that Lockhart was dead. Right now, in the Hogwarts grounds, a large and rather raucous celebration was taking place, including the rich food and drink consisting mainly of cheese and wine. In a moment of excitement, Seamus Finnegan had made, partly through hard graft and partly through magic, a straw figure with more than a slight likeness to his least favourite (forgetting Snape- if he made an effigy of the famously short tempered potions master, he wouldn't see the next day with the same sense of the world) teacher. Conjuring a mighty fire, yelling and screaming students tossed 'Lockhart' into the flames. The straw effigy began to scream- it was able to do this because sadly, the straw had more brain cells than the man himself.

"Lockhart's DEAD!"

"YAY!" Several students fell to their knees and wept with a passionate relief and happiness. Snape just watched the fire burning, a slimy smile etched on his face. Lockhart wouldn't burn. But he would be nibbled to death instead. Like… like a rabbit nibbling a carrot. Like… Filch nibbling Madame Pince's ear. Snape's fascination was similes was getting out of control. He wondered if being such a loved one in society did it to him. He wondered if it was because drinking illegal potions on the sly was finally having it's effect. He never considered the possibility that he was just weird. Someone should tell him that the first stage is admitting it.

Lockhart, meanwhile was oblivious to the celebrations going on outside. Holding his head in his hands, he crawled to his mirror, and took a deep breath, psyching himself up for his inevitable change of appearance. Terrified, he opened his fingers and had a quick peek. Too fast- he hadn't caught sight of anything. Fingers splayed, he opened his eyes and looked at himself full force to the reflective glass.

His hands dropped to his sides in utter shock.

Lockhart's face was covered in tiny little fish bites, giving him the rather attractive appearance of one suffering of leprosy. His hair- the golden curls that previously had cascaded down past his shoulders, had been eaten to such a degree that it was now a number two haircut. His eyes, a lovely sparkling blue, were… still a lovely sparkling blue. But y'know. They could have changed.

"I… I look horrendous," Lockhart gaped at himself, morbid fascination making him stare on, although he was now beginning to retch violently. "It's the end of my career! The end of my fame!"

"Your damn right there," The mirror, seeming to have just woken up put in his two pence worth. Lockhart's money box gave a loud clink. "Nobody will ever look at your ugly mug again and say 'that's cute'."

Lockhart's perfectly manicured hand flew up to his throat. "No!" He gasped, as if in terrible pain- which he probably was, as piranha fish had just feasted upon his visage.

"Yes," the mirror was enjoying itself. "You're through, Lockhart. Finished. Done."

"It can't be!"

"I know, I know. People will hate you everywhere you go. You'll have to hide from other wizards. Witches that only liked you for your looks will burn your house to the ground."

"The mirror is talking!"

If it could have done, the mirror would have blinked. There was a very short pause. "… No shit."

"It's a miracle!" Dropping to his knees, Lockhart stared at the mirror with a new love in his eyes. "And I thought it was old Flitwick hiding in my office all this time…"

"Ah, Professor Lockhart, I see you have managed to…" A sudden, familiar voice thankfully interrupted Lockhart's little epiphany before it spiralled out of control. "…escape unharmed."

Gilderoy dragged himself away from his mirror, and saw Snape standing in the doorway, his hands twisting around a white envelope. His lip was curling at Lockhart's appearance with an obvious sneer, though obviously put out that the piranhas had failed to do the Full Monty and cause Lockhart's unnecessary but ultimately satisfying and bloody death. Smirking, he gestured towards Lockhart's head. "You've got a slight…"

Lockhart's hand flew to his skull which was littered with holes from the murderous fish. Slightly nonplussed, he pushed his fingers into one of the gaps and wriggled them about. "Ah. Could you check them out for me please, Professor Snape?"

Snape grabbed Lockhart's head with more force than strictly necessary. "Let's have a look…" Careful to cause Lockhart as much physical pain as possible, the Potions Master stuck his fingers into every single hole, breaking more pieces of skull off in the process. Ignoring Lockhart's girly wails, he poked and prodded until he was finally satisfied, thus letting Lockhart go and wiping his hands on his cloak, like the Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher's ridiculous-ness was catching.

"I have to tell you something." Snape's malicious grin threatened to take over your face. "The piranhas have eaten your brain."

Lockhart's scream broke every window in the castle, and therefore terminated all celebration outside.

"I heard a scream."

"Me too. Lockhart y'think?"

"Does that mean we'll have to go back to class?"

"Yep."

"Aw, what?"

Gazing at Snape in utter horror, Lockhart's screams soon turned to tears. "Am… am I going to die?" For a moment all the reddish pink bites on his face went white. He was Gilderoy Lockhart! He couldn't afford to die! Who would sign his photos?

Snape, on the other hand, was rather enjoying himself. Torturing Lockhart never lost it's appeal, and should be made into an international sport immediately. Today would become an annual holiday for Severus Snape- the day that he would torture Lockhart to the point of madness- or even better- violent suicide. A large, delicious beam (sorry, fangirl moment) spread like wildfire across his chops. "I don't know. Perhaps."

Lockhart was so traumatized he stopped crying. "I… I AM going to die?"

"I said perhaps."

"That means YES."

"That means perhaps imbecile, get a dictionary."

"Then help me!" Lockhart (suffering from a serious lack of judgement) grabbed a fistful of Snape's usual black robes, his blue eyes glittering manically. Snape gave him 'the look' but Lockhart was too panicked, and frankly too dim to care. He had no brain. HE HAD NO BRAIN!

"Well," Snape stared at Lockhart thoughtfully, his sallow skin appearing more pale compared to the other professor's perfectly even (spray on) tan. "You could do one thing…"

"WHAT! TELL ME!"

"Kill Dumbledore."

A pin could of dropped in that room, and depending on the size, would have made an echoing clang. Lockhart's face went from stupid to confused, to terrified, to all three, then back to stupid again. He gave a large, if rather shaky smile. "You're.. you're joking right?"

Snape suddenly caught a severe case of twitchy eye. "Yes. I was… joking." Dammit! This was no fun! So far Lockhart hadn't committed murder, grievous bodily harm, suicide, or even criminal damage. It was time to drop the big bombshell.

"I have a letter for you." Snape casually tossed the envelope he was holding towards the blond haired, empty headed nitwit- who surprisingly managed to catch it.

"What is it?"

"Something form Witch Weekly."

"OOOOOOooooooooh!" Bearing in mind he had no brain (merely because he never had one to begin with) Lockhart gave a huge chuckle of pleasure. "It must be to inform me that I've won their Most Charming Smile Award for the sixth time in a row…" Without much further ado, he ripped open the letter and delved into it's contents. Snape just stood there, smirking slightly. Sure enough, the letter soon dropped from Lockhart's sticky grasp with a sickened cry (Lockhart, not the letter.) "I haven't won! It… It can't be!!"

"It can, obviously."

"I mean," Gilderoy began to pace the room, grabbing what little of his hair was left. "Who has a more charming smile in the whole of the wizarding world than ME?"

"Someone you know…" Snape gave a delicate little cough, "quite well."

"Kingsley Shacklebolt! I knew it! Prize stealing, money grabbing, tooth whitening little-"

"No."

"Then that Ludo Bagman. Never met the chap, but he's up and coming isn't he? I'll teach him to steal my prize!"

"You won't need to teach him anything. Firstly because he didn't win. Secondly, you're incapable."

"Then… then…" Lockhart looked desperately around his office, as if expecting the winner to jump out behind his desk and wave enthusiastically. "Then… Lucius Malfoy?"

Snape decided to stop him there, before he had to twat him one. Besides, he was getting bored. "No Professor, your guesses are incorrect. The winner of the Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award is… ME!"

"YOU????" Lockhart's surprise had him clutching his desk to give him support. Snape's victorious, ever so charming smile grew wider.

"Me."

"But… but you're not even handsome!"

Snape admired himself in Lockhart's mirror, running his fingers through his curtain of black hair. "Some people seem to think so."

This tipped Lockhart over the edge, and the happy little world in which he was living was totally and utterly ANNIHILATED. With a cry of 'NOOOOOOO!" he jumped out of the closed window four floors up and plummeted down to the grounds below. Glass sprayed everywhere, littering the floor, peppering into the walls. With the air of one waiting for such action to happen, Snape whipped out a piece of parchment from his pocket.

"Criminal damage. Check." With his quill he performed an enormous tick, and hurried downstairs to see what Lockhart did next.

For the sake of the story, Lockhart had not died from jumping out of the window, but had landed cat like on his feet in the middle of a big crowd of students.

"It's Lockhart!"

"Why the f*** isn't he dead?"

Hearing his name, Lockhart whiled around. "Yes! Tis I Gilderoy Lockhart, five times winner of the Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award!" He ran up to one of the students- in this case it was poor old Dean Thomas- and started shaking him. "Do you use tooth whitener? DO YOU?"

"S-s-s-s-sometimes."

"BASTARD!" Without further ado, Lockhart snapped Dean's arms, then his legs, and for good measure punched him in the mouth. Several teeth splintered and feel to the floor. "GOT NO TEETH TO BRUSH NOW, HAVE YA???"

Whilst all this commotion was unfolding, Snape in the background merely smirked and ticked off 'grievous bodily harm'. Only murder and suicide to go now.

"Get off my best friend!" Seamus, effigy burner extraordinaire, grabbed Lockhart and pulled him off Dean. Lockhart faced Seamus and upper cutted him in the chin. Anger feeding his strength, Seamus' neck promptly broke. Like a bat out of hell Lockhart rushed back into Hogwart's castle and ran up eight flights of stairs to the entrance of Dumbledore's office.

"Password?" The Gargoyle looked at Lockhart's sweaty face warily, deciding whether to let him in even if he got the password correct.

"DENTIST'S PROFESSIONAL TOOTH BLEACH!"

The Gargoyle blinked. "That's incorrect. Sorry."

With an animalistic cry Lockhart pointed his wand at the statue. "Reducto!" The statue exploded into a cloud of vile dust, cursing horribly as it did so. Running up the stairs to Dumbledore's office, Lockhart reached the top and flung open the door. "DUMBLEDORE! JUDGEMENT DAY HAS COME!"

Dumbledore stared at Lockhart his clear blue eyes not even looking panicked. "Ah, Gilderoy. And why do I have the pleasure of your company?"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Dumbledore again did not look panicked, but gave an understanding nod. "I see. Can we talk about this?"

"NO!"

"All right; so be it then, Gilderoy."

Using his new found super strength, proving that not winning something can truly be damaging to one's character, Lockhart picked up Dumbledore with the ease of somebody picking up a dormouse, and spun him around his head. Letting him go, Dumbledore smashed into a wall, and all the little silver instruments landed crashed down onto him. Conjuring an axe, Gilderoy Lockhart- Mr Pacifist- chopped Dumbledore up into lots of little pieces and ATE THEM. Blood running down his chin, he leapt out of another window to carry in with the carnage. Snape, watching from the doorway ticked off murder, and added cannibalism as a category he had carelessly missed off.

Lockhart was getting exhausted. Half heartedly he killed Professor McGonagall, Flitwick, Harry Potter, his mate Ron Weasley, Voldemort (who was taking a stroll in Hogwart's gardens) and Filch's cat. As the bodies began to pile up, Lockhart found himself contemplating the meaning of life. Was there any? If Snape could win the Most Charming Smile Award was there anything left for him in this world?

No.

With an insane cry, Lockhart pushed a stick of dynamite he'd coincidentally found on the floor into one of the holes in his head, which promptly blew to smithereens. Snape finally ticked off 'suicide' then slithered up to Lockhart's headless body.

"Sorry about that old chap, seemed to have got the letters mixed up. It looks like you won after all. Congrats." Throwing a gold edged certificate onto Lockhart's dead chest and smiling his usual hideous grin, Snape returned to his dungeons.

It had been a very productive day.