Part Two-Dirty Secret
The hum of people around him was pointedly ignored in favour of the tumbler of amber liquid standing in front of him on the bar. No ice, because what was the point in possibly diluting your drink when all you wanted was to get drunk enough to forget?
Pale fingers closed around the glass and he quickly lifted it to his lips, downing the entire thing, feeling the familiar burn as it flowed down his throat. The bartender was there to refill it the moment the glass connected with the bar again. It was a familiar rhythm now, as the bartender had gotten to know him well these last months.
Sasuke huffed out a mock laugh. The bartender was pretty much the closest thing he had to a friend right now, and all he did was pour bourbon and lay off the chitchat. The bartender had long since learned that Sasuke preferred silence and solitude when drinking. He didn't want companionship, didn't deserve it. He just wanted enough alcohol that his brain shut off for a moment. He knew it wasn't very healthy, but he didn't care. Screw his liver; there was no reason for him to grow old anyways. With the way he was working he'd probably get a heart attack years before his liver gave out, and he didn't really care either way. It's not like there's anything to live for in his life anyways.
Sasuke Uchiha's life was one big, deliberate scam. On the surface he was one of the two golden Uchiha heirs, ready to take over for the great Fugaku Uchiha when he deemed them ready. With harp suits, sharper minds and sharpest of all a ruthlessness needed to survive in the rough world of business they were destined for success. On the board of Uchiha Enterprises at the young age of twenty-five Sasuke was looked up to by everyone. Women wanted him and men wanted to be him.
If only they knew. Knew how empty he was, nothing but a hollow shell of a man, all appearances and nothing inside. The success was just a mirage, something he projected for the world to keep them all believing in the great hoax that was Sasuke Uchiha.
With a fresh drink in his hand he leaned back on the barstool, stretching a back aching from hours spent at the office. In his peripheral vision he caught a flash of vibrant blond hair, and he stopped breathing for a second. It was a surprise, because he was hardly drunk enough to start imagining him just yet, that rarely happen until later in the night. Naruto. The one thing in his life that had been good, and he'd had to give it up.
He downed the drink, fingers clutching the empty glass as he finally dared to look towards what he assumed was his mind messing with him. It would hardly be the first time he had seen a random blond and mistaken it for Naruto. This time was different though, this time it actually was Naruto. Sasuke's eyes widened fractionally as he stared. It was not the alcohol conjuring up images of what he was so desperate to see, it really was him. Just as beautiful and vibrant as Sasuke remembered him. Head thrown back as he laughed at something his companion said, smile on his face. He looked… happy.
Sasuke knew he should be glad that Naruto found happiness without him, but it only made the aching hole where his heart used to be throb in phantom pains. Naruto seemed to have found someone new, someone who wasn't too much of a coward to be with him. The man next to Naruto was broad shouldered, had short brown hair just as messy as Naruto's own, and bright red tattoos on his face that for the oddest reason seemed to look natural on him. He had an easy smile on his face, and they look so comfortable around each other, like they'd known each other a lifetime. Sasuke couldn't look away as the two of them talked and laughed. Sasuke ached for what he could have had if the world hadn't been such a cruel place.
Angrily Sasuke pushed away his glass. He didn't want the alcohol, didn't want to dull the pain. It was his fault he lost Naruto, he deserved the pain. He should have stood up to his father, shouldn't have allowed the great Fugaku Uchiha to bully him into giving up the one good thing in his life just because the obligation to his family came before his love life.
He was not even upset over his own pain and loss; he was upset because he remembered the pain on Naruto's face. Naruto had never been able to hide his emotions; one of the things Sasuke had appreciated the most about him. Sasuke grew up in a world where emotions were a bad thing, something you should hide behind thick shields and never allow anyone to know about. Naruto was different though. Every emotion flashed over his face, a grin when he was happy, a frown when he was upset, and a glint to his eyes when he was up to no good. Naruto never bothered to hide anything, and it was such a relief for Sasuke never to have to second guess anything about him, Naruto was just… real.
He thought back to the look of utter devastation on Naruto's face when he'd told him that he didn't love him anymore. The pain was so apparent on that beautiful face. He'd had to battle with himself when Naruto left. He wanted nothing more than to run after him and tell him that it was all a lie, that he loved him more than he had ever loved anyone, or ever would love anyone.
He hadn't though. He had stood, frozen in shock, as Naruto left, unable to do anything. Nothing he could say would've made it better anyways. He had utterly ruined what they had.
Now the pain of losing Naruto was gnawing at his soul again. He couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from him. He was just as handsome as ever, golden and strong and pure. Sasuke desperately wished that it was him sitting next to Naruto, making him laugh like that.
Suddenly Naruto shifted, as if he noticed eyes on him, and blue eyes locked on Sasuke's dark brown. Sasuke saw the surprise flash over Naruto's face for a moment before it faded for a look of caution. Sasuke shrunk in on himself, remembering a time when whenever Naruto saw him that face would split in a happy grin.
Sasuke looked away, too embarrassed to hold his gaze. Quickly he left some money on the bar and slid off the stool, grabbing his suit jacket as he headed towards the exit. He had lost the desire for alcohol, and didn't want to subject Naruto to himself right now. Naruto deserved all the happiness in the world, and he had no right to mess with that. He just hoped the brown-haired man would treat him well.
It was chilly outside, so he pulled on his jacket and walked down the sidewalk. He was in no state to drive, so he figured he should find a cab and go home to spend yet another restless night trying to forget the disgusting sham he was.
Lost in thoughts he was startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder, halting him. He figured he shouldn't really be surprised when he saw Naruto standing there, looking worried. Naruto was always so selfless, so of course he'd come check up on him. Even if Sasuke was a complete asshole Naruto would still be concerned about him.
"Sasuke, are you okay?" he asked, and the sound of his voice after several long months without was like a breath of fresh air.
Sasuke was too shocked to answer; he just stared at Naruto, marvelling over just how blue his eyes were. He'd forgotten, and now he couldn't think, couldn't talk, just stared into them, completely captivated.
"You look like shit," Naruto stated bluntly when Sasuke didn't say anything.
Sasuke knew Naruto was right. He had spent the entire day in meetings, and no amount of concealer would be able to hide the dark bags underneath his eyes from not sleeping well in… forever. He felt grey, and dull. His mother fretted about it whenever she saw him, but he hadn't really cared. He got out of bed every day, spent at least twelve hours in the office, put up the image of the dutiful son. They should be happy with that. It's all they wanted of him anyways, to continue on his father's legacy.
"You should go back to your date," Sasuke said dully.
"What, Kiba? I'm not dating Kiba; he's just a friend from work."
Sasuke knew he wasn't allowed to feel the relief that flooded through him right then. He wanted Naruto to be happy, he truly did. He just wished he could have been the one he was happy with.
"Sasuke. What happened, really?" Naruto asked, and there was no mistaking what he was referring to.
Sasuke's hands fisted at his side, and he tensed. He wanted to tell Naruto, wanted to confess everything and beg for forgiveness, but nothing had changed. His dad was still a homophobe that would not acknowledge that his son was anything other than normal. Apparently he preferred Sasuke miserable and alone rather than gay and happy. Anything to make sure their facade was kept intact.
Sasuke hated that facade more than anything, to have to play a role of successful business man, when all he felt like was a shadow of himself. Why should it matter so much what anyone thought of him? Sasuke just wanted to stop pretending and break. He had been so close to doing so for months already, just wanting to give up. Say screw it to family and responsibilities and just do something just for himself.
Naruto must have seen the anguish on his face, because he tightened his hand on Sasuke's shoulder for a moment.
"I'm taking you home," he stated, and Sasuke just didn't have the energy to argue as Naruto led him to his car.
Neither of the two talked at all on the drive back to Sasuke's apartment. Sasuke just stared down at his lap, noting how his fingers were clenched around his knees as if to steady himself.
Inside Naruto led Sasuke over to the couch and placed him on it as he vanished into the kitchen, coming back out with two steaming cups of coffee minutes later. Sasuke accepted the cup, but didn't drink, just cradled the warmth in his hands. He wasn't drunk so he didn't really need the caffeine to clear his head. He was just… shitty. Tired and sad and broken. And now Naruto was with him, and it just filled him with regret, because it felt so right to have him here again, like a piece of him was finally back.
For a while they just sat there on either side of the three-seater couch, Naruto giving him space and silently drinking his own coffee. Sasuke took a few sips of his own cup before he placed it on the table, his stomach rebelling to the thought of ingesting anything.
"Sasuke, what's wrong?" Naruto finally asked.
Where was the Naruto he remembered so well, brash and loud? He would have demanded answers, not asked so politely. Things had definitely changed the four or so months since they last saw each other.
Sasuke had no idea what to say. He had lied to Naruto once, and that had only given him pain. Naruto would not appreciate more lies, would probably see right through them.
He picked at the skin around his nails, absentmindedly noting how frayed it looked. He'd always been meticulous about his hands, keeping them moisturized and well-groomed, but apparently this was one more aspect where he had let himself go.
"Obviously something is wrong. Please tell me, Sasuke, I hate seeing you like this."
"How can you worry about me? I was an asshole," Sasuke said, his voice almost breaking.
"Yeah, you were. But I'm starting to feel that there's more to it than you told me."
Naruto scooted closer to him, his hand once again on Sasuke's shoulder.
That small touch was the final push, and Sasuke broke apart, and before he knew it he had told Naruto everything.
His father, Fugaku, was the current CEO of Uchiha Enterprises, a firm that had been in their family for three generations. He took great pride in being successful, and there had never been any choice for Sasuke and his older brother, Itachi. They were to follow in his footsteps, and they were to do it with success. Fugaku had great expectations of his sons.
There was only one way to be a good Uchiha. You were successful, you were above all others, and you did not go against the family. Sasuke had grown up knowing that nothing was more important than family. And to protect the family you did what Fugaku wanted.
Uchihas were not gay. Uchihas worked all day, and then came home to a wife that was chosen for her looks and pedigree rather than love. He was expected to father a child, to ensure that there was someone to take over when a heart attack eventually claimed him, like it had his grandfather, and his grandfather's father. There was no room to be different, no room to do anything that would weaken the image they projected to the world.
His father had made it crystal clear that Sasuke was to give up on his deviant ways and be normal. Being the black sheep of the Uchiha family didn't just mean you were frowned upon; he would be shunned, cut off from the family altogether. There was no place for black sheep in the family, only wolves.
Sasuke had two choices: Abandon his family or abandon his love. He loved Naruto more than he'd ever loved anyone, but the idea that family was everything was so ingrained in him he had no other choice to make. Naruto would find someone new, someone better. Someone that wouldn't think twice about giving up everything for them.
It had never been about money, even though Sasuke knew that pursuing his love would have cut him off from the family fortune. He didn't care about money. It was about going against everything he had been taught. He just wasn't strong enough. Family was everything, and Sasuke didn't matter.
When the flow of words finally stilled Naruto wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. For a while they just sat there, Sasuke enveloped in the smell and feel of Naruto. He had forgotten how good Naruto smelled, how at home he felt in the circle of his arms. He swallowed thickly, trying to get rid of the lump that rose in his throat. He hadn't cried yet, but he knew it would take very little. His eyes were stinging, but he blinked furiously, keeping any tears at bay. He had showed more emotions today than he had the last decade, and all the talking had left him feeling drained.
"You can't do this to yourself, Sasuke. You need to be happy as well," Naruto muttered, lips pressed to the top of Sasuke's head.
"I can't, Naruto. If I'm happy then it goes against my family."
"Sasuke, if your family would rather see you like this than happy just because you don't fit perfectly into their cookie cutter form then they aren't true family. Family should care about your happiness above anything."
Sasuke shifted in the circle of Naruto's arms, pulling his feet up onto the couch, close to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. He felt raw. Naruto's words rang so true to him, and he was finding it harder and harder to keep on pretending. The last months had been hell, and he didn't see it getting any better. Just the idea of finding a wife he didn't love, to father children he didn't not want, to keep lying to himself and the world—it sickened him.
"I never stopped loving you," he muttered into his knees, needing to tell Naruto what he felt.
"You hurt me so bad, Sasuke," Naruto said. "I loved you more than anything, and then you broke my heart."
"I know. You were right, I was a coward, just not for the reason you thought. I was a coward for allowing my father to bully me into being someone I'm not and ruining what we had."
"We were great, weren't we?" Naruto asked, a wistful smile on his face.
"You were," Sasuke clarified. Naruto didn't answer, just tightened the arm wrapped around his shoulder slightly. Sasuke had missed this so much, the feel of Naruto's warm body against his. He felt safe and calm in a way he hadn't felt once in the months since their breakup. This was where he belonged, where he was himself, and he had denied himself that, and in the process ruined everything. He hadn't wanted to hurt Naruto, had just been too afraid to tell him the truth, had wanted to protect himself by a clean break, knowing that if Naruto had begged to take him back Sasuke would have caved and told him everything. It was why had had intended to tell him in a letter, that way he wouldn't have had to see the hurt and anger on his face.
Naruto leaned closer to him, his head resting on Sasuke's shoulder as they sat in silence next to each other. Sasuke was still curled up on himself, but he was starting to feel more and more like himself just from being here with Naruto. It was messed up, and he knew it, because he had no right to draw upon Naruto's strength right now. He had ruined what he had, and even though Naruto was comforting him now Sasuke would never dare believe Naruto would take him back even if he decided to go against his father's wishes and live the life he wanted to.
"You want some water?" Naruto asked after a while. Sasuke's mouth was dry, so the thought of water was alluring, but he was afraid that if Naruto pulled away it would be for good. As long as Naruto touched him he could keep imagining that this was how his life was now.
Naruto didn't wait for an answer though; he pulled his arm away and slid off the couch, heading into the kitchen. For a moment Sasuke just stared after him, and then he slowly unfurled his legs, placing them on the ground, trying to gather his thoughts, to get himself under control again. He felt so vulnerable when he showed emotion, having been raised with the idea that emotions were weak and should be hidden away.
He had shrugged off the suit jacket earlier, but now his hands went up to his tie, pulling it off before unbuttoning the topmost buttons of his shirt, tugging at the fabric to get some air around his throat. By the time Naruto came back with two glasses of water Sasuke had composed himself and was sitting casually on the couch, one ankle crossed over the other knee.
He accepted the glass and drained half before placing it back on the coffee table. Naruto had sat down, keeping a full foot of air between them. Sasuke had no idea what to say to him, had no idea what to do. He wanted to fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness, wanted to say or do anything to get Naruto back, but at the same time he knew things hadn't changed. His father would still never accept Sasuke being in a relationship with another man, and the fear of disappointing his family was as strong as ever.
Sasuke leaned back on the couch and rubbed his forehead. He could feel a headache settling right in between his eyes. He had no idea what he should do or say, and if there was even a solution to this whole mess.
"You've worn it all this time?" he suddenly heard Naruto say, and he turned his head towards him. Naruto's eyes were lowered to Sasuke's neck, and Sasuke's hand absentmindedly lifted towards it, fingers closing around the jewel hanging from its leather cord. The one Naruto had given him on the day everything went to hell. He hadn't taken off the blue jewel once, kept it around his neck underneath his shirts, hidden from the world like something too precious to be shown off.
"Yes. I wanted to give it back to you, I knew it wasn't mine to keep after what I did, but it was the last piece I had of you and I couldn't let it go."
Blue eyes shifted to his, and they were seemingly overflowing with emotions. Pain and longing and others that Sasuke couldn't name.
"Do you want it back?" Sasuke said, his voice thicker than usual. He didn't want to give up the necklace, but if it was what Naruto wanted he'd do it in a heartbeat. He had debated with himself when he found the box with it lying on the side table when he woke the day after their breakup, and had decided that he should mail it to Naruto. It was the blond's after all; he had no right to keep it after he broke his heart.
But when he had looked down at it, and noticed how the blue colour seemed to perfectly match the blue of Naruto's eyes he had instantly known that there was no way he could give it up. This necklace was all that he had left, and giving that up would hurt too much. He had pulled the cord over his neck, and hadn't taken it off once since. The small weight around his neck was both comforting and a constant reminder of just how messed up everything had gotten.
"No, I gave it to you. Keep it," Naruto said. The hint of tears in his eyes contrasted with the soft smile on his lips.
Sasuke dug his fingernails into the soft flesh of his palms as Naruto shifted on the couch and leaned closer. He restrained himself as Naruto's hand softly caressed his cheek, only leaning into it gently. He didn't dare hope for forgiveness.
His eyelids fluttered close, and moments later there was a pair of soft lips against his mouth. Sasuke made a pitiful sound of need deep in his chest, and lightly pressed into the kiss. He wanted to kiss Naruto properly, wanted to show him just how much he loved him, but he needed to let Naruto control this.
Naruto's lips were just as soft and warm as he remembered, and Sasuke felt his heart thumping in his chest. He had missed this so much, had missed the taste and feel of Naruto, and now it felt like he had finally found it again, but it was so precious and fragile, and he didn't dare grab for it in case it broke.
All too soon Naruto pulled away. Sasuke wanted to wrap his arms around him and keep him close, wanted to give up every part of himself if it meant being with Naruto again.
"I have to go now," Naruto said, and Sasuke felt dread settle in his gut when he realised that the soft kiss had felt like a goodbye. No. No, he couldn't lose Naruto, he couldn't!
"Please stay," he pleaded, not even embarrassed over how pitiful he sounded. "I love you, Naruto, I love you so much."
Naruto hesitated for a moment at those words, but it was too little too late. "You have to work things out with your dad. I care about you a lot, but I will not be your dirty secret."
Sasuke could only stare after him, completely paralyzed in his sadness, as Naruto rose from the couch, smiled softly at him, and left. As the door closed behind him the first salty tear trailed down Sasuke's cheek.
A/N: I hope I didn't just kill you all with angst. I must've been in a weird place when I wrote this chapter. :3 But yeah, now you all got to see why Sasuke was a dick! Yeah, yeah, I know, I went there, the whole homophobic family. I was having the hardest time coming up with a reason for Sasuke to call it quits while still being in love with Naruto, and didn't want to go the whole "something happens and he thinks Naruto is unfaithful" way, so asshole!Fugaku it is. Hope you all enjoyed! Only one chapter to go, no price if you guess what's going to happen in that one.