Chapter Two
Damn Near Destroys You
Two weeks later, I was back at Ezra's apartment. I'd gotten a few texts from him, letting me know he was still in New York and still thinking things through. They were so distant though. At first, he'd sent me a couple of sweet texts telling me that he loved me and he missed me, but then that had stopped and the texts were very generic. Just saying that he was still alive and trying to figure things out. I could understand needing some space, but at the same time I was having a hard time reconciling it. He'd been so sweet and concerned and…just amazing and perfect that night. And now he was being so distant. I didn't get it. Unless he'd decided not to come back and he was trying to distance himself from me. That was a possibility. I didn't want to think about that, but I'd known it was a possibility from the second he'd told me he was leaving.
My friends were with me here at the apartment today, because we needed somewhere private to process everything that was happening to us. We'd just been handed a ton of new evidence pointing us towards A. It was a little easier being here with them. At least I couldn't get lost in my head if they were here. That was until Spencer started talking.
"Tristan and Isolde, Abelard and Eloise. Fitz is a sucker for a tragic love story," she said.
My face must have given me away, because she immediately backtracked.
"I so didn't mean that how it sounded," she said. "Have you heard from him?"
"Yeah, he checks in," I lied. "I mean, everything he thought he wanted, he's lost because of me. Guys, I think that it might be over this time. Really over."
Hanna sat on the bed and then flopped down on it. And that, I couldn't take. I didn't know why, but anyone else lying on that bed just irked me.
"Hanna, do you mind?" I said, without thinking. "It's kind of sacred ground."
She shot up, and all three of them looked at me at the same time.
"It is?" they all said in unison.
I just smiled awkwardly and sat down. The cat was out of the bag now.
"Man, you sure can keep a secret," Spencer said.
About half an hour later, being here was just too much to take. I couldn't leave because my friends and I weren't done nailing down our plans for tonight and tomorrow. We knew we were going to Bucks County to a backwater resort Alison had stayed at, but we didn't know where it was or anything else about why we needed to go there. But I needed a minute. I escaped to the bathroom and just sat down on the floor and started crying. After about ten minutes, there was a knock on the door.
"Aria, we can hear you from out here," Spencer said. "Please come out and talk to us."
"We can't help you if we don't know what's going on," Emily said.
"Just leave me alone," I sniffled. "Let me be miserable."
"Aria, we're coming in," Hanna said.
She opened the door, which I hadn't bothered to lock. And not even ten seconds later, I was caught up in a group hug.
"Talk to us, Aria," Spencer said. "We're your friends. Let us help you."
Maybe it would be a good idea to get it out. My friends wouldn't judge me, and they wouldn't tell anyone. And at this rate, I was going to explode just from not telling someone.
"I lied," I said. "He barely checks in at all. And when he does, he just tells me that he's still working through things."
"So, he needs some space right now," Hanna said.
"Hanna, he left the day after that bed out there became sacred ground. I haven't seen him since, and I might as well be talking to a distant uncle with the way his texts are worded these days. He was so sweet at first, even after he left, but now it's like he's not even the same person anymore."
Emily squeezed me tight. "Was it the night you texted to tell me I was your alibi?"
I nodded and a fresh wave of tears came over me, along with all the memories. Again.
"He didn't want me to go," I sniffled. "He said he couldn't stand to watch me walk out of here."
"Aw," Spencer said. "That's adorable."
I chuckled. "Yeah, it was. He was so sweet that night. Said all the right things and made sure I was comfortable. But then I got to watch him leave the next day. That wasn't so adorable. I'm dying a little bit inside every day now, and I can't even tell him because I don't know if he even cares anymore. I can't help thinking that I made a huge mistake sleeping with him."
"You didn't make a mistake, Aria," Emily told me. "You love him. He loves you. And I can bet that the reason he's not calling you and has gotten so distant is because he's handling this separation about as well as you are. If he couldn't let you walk out of here that night, what makes you think he can handle being away from you now? It's probably easier for him to be distant than it is for him to talk to you."
"But what if it's not the reason? What if time has made him reconsider? What if it doesn't mean anything to him anymore? And I may never find out, because I may never see him again."
"Oh, you'll see him again," Spencer said. "If I have to drag him back from New York kicking and screaming so he can explain himself, you'll see him again."
We all chuckled a little. But I had a feeling that it might come to that. Because if he was coming back of his own accord, he would have been back by now.
The next night at the masquerade ball, I got a text from Spencer.
Meet me in the courtyard. I have a surprise for you.
I was confused but I obeyed. When I went outside, I walked through the maze of mirrors that lead to the courtyard, and I heard footsteps, but I couldn't see anyone else. This was starting to creep me out, especially since A was supposed to make an appearance tonight too. Maybe that text hadn't been from Spencer at all.
"Hello?" I called nervously.
And then I heard something I hadn't heard in way too long. His voice.
"No matter how hard I try," Ezra said, walking around a corner, "I can't stay away from you."
I gasped and ran up to him. Immediately, I was enveloped in an embrace. He held me so tight I almost couldn't breathe, but I didn't care. I would have rather passed out from lack of oxygen than let him go. I couldn't tell how long we just stood there like that, not saying anything.
"God, I missed you," he finally said, pulling back to look at me.
I chuckled a little and tried to keep back tears, but wasn't entirely successful. A few broke free and fell down under my mask.
"Hey, no tears," he whispered, kissing my forehead. "Not tonight. Come inside with me."
I took his hand and let him lead me inside. I didn't ask him what I wanted to ask. I didn't ask where we stood, if we were even a we anymore, if he was staying. I couldn't. Not right now. Right now, I just needed to be here, in the moment. We stopped in the middle of the dance floor and he pulled me in for a dance, kissing my temple. Our first dance, I realized. And probably our last. He probably wasn't staying. He was probably just coming back to say goodbye. Only a few seconds later, he stopped and pulled back.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"This is our first dance," he said. "I want to see you."
He reached and undid the string on the back of my mask and then pulled it away from my face. Only Ezra could make doing something like that unbelievably sexy. I couldn't help thinking about the fact that a mask wasn't the only thing he'd looked unbelievably sexy taking off of me. But I tried to push that thought back. And then he took off his mask too. The surprise came when, right there, in the middle of the dance floor where everyone could see, he kissed me. I saw a smile on his face as he backed off for just a second, but then apparently he decided that one kiss wasn't enough.
Time seemed to stand still as we kissed and danced that night. We got more than a couple of weird looks and raised eyebrows. But something had changed in him. He didn't seem to care. Why?
And then my cell phone rang. It was Emily. Crap. I had to go. We had to deal with the much bigger problem that was ruining all of our lives right now.
"Hey, Em," I answered. "What's up?"
"It's Spencer," she said. "She found out who A is. Meet us at the entrance."
"I'll be there," I said, and hung up. I turned to Ezra. "It's Spencer. She's in trouble. I'm so sorry, but I have to go."
Ezra kissed me one more time and held me close for a few seconds before speaking.
"Come to the apartment when you're done. Please. I don't care what time it is," he said.
I nodded. "Okay, I will."
Walking away from him right then was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. But I knew I needed to be there for my friends. Just like they'd been there for me through all of this.
We found out Mona was A, and we narrowly saved Spencer's life as we broke every major traffic law in the book trying to get back to the Lost Woods Resort. There was a car accident, and we'd thought Mona was dead for a minute, but then she'd opened her eyes. She was arrested and taken to the police station, where Dr. Sullivan, who had somehow miraculously returned, examined her. As we were walking out of the police station, Toby was standing there, and Spencer got her second chance at happiness. I hoped I would get to go to Ezra's then, but none of the rest of the girls seemed to want to separate, so I stayed with them.
As we walked up to Emily's house, preparing to have a sleepover, the police were there. They'd found Maya's body behind her house. Now I definitely couldn't leave. I'd just have to hope Ezra was still there tomorrow. Because Emily needed me tonight.
We all changed into some of Emily's clothes and sat silently with her in her bedroom, just letting her cry. I felt like I had absolutely no right to be sad or confused about Ezra now. Emily's first love was dead. At least mine was still alive, even if we were over.
At about three in the morning, Spencer looked over at me. Apparently my face gave me away.
"Aria, go," she said. "We've got this. Emily understands."
"What are you talking about?" Hanna asked.
"Ezra's back," Spencer said, smiling. "He was at the dance tonight."
"What are you still doing here, Aria?" Emily said. It was the first thing she'd said all night.
"I'm not going anywhere, Em," I said. "You're more important right now. He'll understand that."
"Go," she said. "I'll be okay. Hanna and Spencer are here."
"It doesn't feel right," I said. "I can't leave. Not now."
"You know what's not right?" Hanna said. "Having to go another second without talking to him. I'm guessing you didn't exactly have a heart-to-heart on the dance floor."
I chuckled. "No, we didn't."
"How long has he been back?" Emily asked through her tears.
"I didn't even know he was back until…wait, Spencer, you didn't actually say something to him, did you?" I asked, suddenly horrified. "You were the one who told me to go to the courtyard. You knew he was here before I did."
Spencer chuckled. "No. And I didn't even have to drag him back here. I ran into him as…as Mona and I were leaving the dance. He asked me where you were, and it was my idea to have him surprise you in the courtyard. I figured you needed at least a few seconds alone with him."
"That was some surprise you had waiting for me," I said, laughing a little.
"I thought you'd like that," she said, chuckling again.
"Aria, get out of here," Hanna said. "Call us tomorrow."
"Em, are you sure you're okay with this?" I asked. I was about to run out the door right now, but it still felt wrong leaving her.
"Yes," she sniffled. "Go."
"Okay. Thank you guys," I said, standing up and walking out of the room. "I promise I'll call you tomorrow."
"Go get him," Spencer said, and got up to give me a hug. "Seriously, call tomorrow. We need details."
"Um, if you haven't noticed, Aria was pretty tight-lipped with the details before. What makes you think you'll get more now?" Hanna teased.
Even Emily laughed.
When I got home and went to get my car, I saw the light still on in the living room. I looked inside and my mom was sitting on the couch by herself. I didn't want to go in and tell her because that would take too long, but even though I had an alibi for tonight, I figured she deserved the truth. After all, she'd basically defended our relationship to my dad. Maybe she was finally starting to come around to the idea. I pulled out my phone and called her as I backed out of the driveway.
"Aria," she answered. "I thought you were at Emily's. Is she okay?"
"She's still kind of in shock," I told my mom. "But all three of them kicked me out of the house."
"Why?" my mom asked, but something in her voice told me she already knew the answer.
"Ezra's back," I told her. "He surprised me at the dance tonight."
My mom chuckled. "Who do you think told him where you were?"
"You weren't too hard on him, were you?" I asked, hoping she hadn't scared him too much.
"I didn't have to be. He was hard enough on himself once I told him how upset you were. I think you're going to have a lot to talk about. That's all I'm going to say. I think he should tell you the rest himself."
"Look, I'm not sure when I'll be home," I said. "He told me he wanted me to come over as soon as I could, and when I'm done talking to him, I need to get back to Emily's."
"Take all the time you need," my mom said. "It's okay. Thank you for telling me the truth this time."
"Would you have actually let me stay with him if I'd told you the truth that night?" I chuckled.
"Well, no, but I appreciate you being honest now. I love you, Aria."
"I love you too, Mom," I said. "Thanks."
It was 3:30 in the morning when I quietly knocked on Ezra's door. He answered within ten seconds. Well, now I didn't have to add apologizing for waking him up to the list of things I had to say. Clearly he'd already been up.
"Aria," he said as he shut the door behind me. "I heard about Maya. I wasn't expecting you to show up tonight. I thought you'd be with Emily."
I went to sit down on the couch. "I wasn't expecting to come. But Emily and Hanna practically threw me out the door when Spencer told them you were back. I guess they all knew where I really needed to be tonight."
He just smiled and hugged me. We sat there like that for a few minutes before he let go and turned so he could look at me.
"So, I got an earful from your mom before the dance," he started.
Well, gee, that was a shocker.
"Did you?" I said.
"Aria, why didn't you say something to me? Why didn't you tell me how upset you were?"
"What exactly did you think leaving the morning after we slept together for the first time was going to do to me, Ezra?" I said, trying to keep back tears. "Make me happy? And it wasn't like I could even talk to anyone about it. I had to just keep it all bottled up. My mom knew I was upset because you were gone, but she didn't know the whole story. Neither did my friends. No one did."
Okay, that wasn't exactly true, but I hadn't actually told my mom anything. And my friends didn't know until yesterday. So pretty much I had had to keep everything bottled up for the better part of two weeks.
A wave of something I'd never seen before flashed across Ezra's face. It was a mixture of pain and something else I couldn't identify. Regret, maybe? Mixed with…love? I couldn't tell. He kissed my forehead and looked like he was trying to keep back his own tears. He was quiet for a few minutes, and I could tell he was trying to find something to say.
"God, Aria, I'm such a jerk," he finally said. "I was so selfish. I left trying to spare myself the pain of staying and prolonging the inevitable and I didn't stop to think about how that would make you feel. Apparently I thought one text message would be enough to convey my feelings. I'm an idiot. The truth is, there aren't words to express how I feel about that night. It was almost all I could think about while I was gone. And I should have told you that as many times as it took for you to understand."
I was crying by the time he was done. Well, at least he'd admitted he was a jerk. And at least I knew that what happened between us still meant something to him too.
"Yeah, you should have," I sniffled. "I didn't tell you how upset I was because I thought it would be obvious. I thought it was obvious that morning. You sent me those texts and I was sure you knew. I knew it meant something to you at the time. But then you got so distant, I thought time and distance had changed your mind about me. So how could I tell you that being away from you killed me inside a little bit every day? I didn't think you cared anymore."
And by that point I was bawling. Big, ugly tears. I couldn't help it. I was so upset. So confused. Now here he was being sweet again. I didn't get it. And on top of everything else that had happened tonight, I just couldn't deal with this.
"Oh, God," Ezra said, his voice breaking as he started to cry too. "Aria, come here."
He pulled me back into his arms and then a few seconds later pulled me into his lap. And he didn't say anything for a little while. He just held me tight and kissed my hair and my forehead over and over as sobs literally shook my entire body. With every shake, he just tightened his embrace. I was so upset that I almost didn't even want to let him touch me right now, but I didn't have the strength to stop it. Because at the same time, this was what I'd been aching for since the day he'd left.
"I'm so sorry," he said softly after about ten minutes. "I'm so stupid. I should be locked up."
Well, now I saw what my mom had meant when she said that he was hard enough on himself. I hoped he hadn't said that to her. She might have actually agreed with him. Out loud.
"That might be a little extreme," I sniffled.
"No, it's not," Ezra insisted. "I don't even recognize the guy who could hurt the person he loves more than anything else in this world the way I hurt you. If I'm actually capable of hurting the woman I love like that, I don't deserve to see the light of day again, let alone have someone as incredible as you in my life. I should have picked up the damn phone and called you. More than that, I should never have left. I should have known that here with you is where I belong."
Wait, what? What had he just said?
"What?" I asked, still a little too upset and in shock to process everything.
"You heard me," he said, kissing my hair again. "I love you. More than anything else in this world. And I'm not going anywhere. As long as you're here, this is where I'm going to be too. I'll make things work out somehow. Assuming you still want anything to do with me after how horribly I treated you."
Wait, he was actually giving up teaching for me? Altogether? Not just moving from one school to the other, but giving up his chosen profession to stay here with me? That was insane.
"I don't know what to say," I told him.
"Say you forgive me," he said, sounding like it was a plea for his life. "And please, for the love of God, say you still love me. And that you still want me in your life."
I sighed. I wasn't quite sure it was going to be as easy as that. I still loved him, of course. And God, did I still want to be with him. But we couldn't just pick up where we left off. I'd need some time to completely forgive him. And probably even more time to work up the nerve to sleep with him again. Even though I'd known he was leaving, it had still stung for him to wake up the next morning and decide to skip town like a bat out of hell right then and there. I'd thought we would at least have a few days.
"I never stopped loving you, Ezra," I finally said. "That's why what you did hurt me so much. And I do still want to be with you. But it's going to take some time for me to really forgive you and for us to get back to where we were before you left."
Ezra breathed a sigh of relief. "I can handle that. Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere."
I kissed him, and though it started out as just a little peck, it quickly deepened. I wasn't entirely sure which of us was responsible for that, but he was the one who broke the kiss, gasping for breath.
"That wasn't a whole lot of time," he chuckled.
"Oh, I'm still mad at you," I clarified. "But I think a kiss was in order after you just told me you're giving up teaching to stay here with me. You do know that's crazy, right?"
"Maybe," he said, chuckling again. "But people do crazy things for love, right?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I teased. "I only slept with someone I knew was going to leave town."
Ezra looked absolutely heartbroken, and I immediately regretted saying that. I wasn't trying to upset him. I was trying to tell him that I knew the way I'd been feeling was partially my own fault. I'd made a decision in the heat of the moment knowing that he was going to be leaving town. I didn't know it would be the next day, but I did know it would happen.
"When you're ready, I would really, really like a do-over," he said, kissing my head. "You deserve…so much better than that. You deserve epic romance."
I chuckled. That wasn't where he'd messed up by a long shot. Now, knowing that he still loved me, I still melted into a puddle thinking of how sweet and romantic he'd been that night.
"I think you got the epic romance part down," I told him. "It's the morning after that could use a little work. And by a little, I mean a lot of work."
He chuckled too. "Maybe. I still think the entire thing could be improved on. Either way, I swear to God, I will spend the rest of my life making the past two weeks up to you any way I can."
"Well, can you start by letting me crash here for a few hours before I go back to Emily's?" I asked, yawning. "I'm exhausted. A lot's happened tonight. Which I promise I will tell you about, but not right now. I'm too tired."
"Of course," he said. "Are you okay in those clothes? Or do you want a t-shirt?"
"No, I'm fine in Emily's sweats. Besides, I may or may not need to return a certain t-shirt to you already," I confessed. "I will not confirm or deny whether I took it home with me."
"I was wondering where that shirt went," he laughed. "But it looks better on you anyway. Keep it. Now, go on and go to bed. I'll take the couch."
I smiled. He really was willing to completely start from scratch if I wanted. But he didn't need to go that extreme. Especially after everything I'd been through tonight, between this and Mona and Maya. I kind of needed him with me.
"You don't have to take the couch," I told him. "Honestly, after everything that's happened tonight, I don't really want to sleep alone."
"Okay," he said, kissing me quickly before letting me get up.
I went and curled up in the bed and he turned off the lights and got in behind me, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close. I felt his intake of breath and realized he was breathing in my smell. I'd thought that was something only girls did, but apparently not. Apparently men could get just as sappy and sentimental as women could.
"Good night, Aria," Ezra whispered right into my ear, kissing my head. "I love you."
"I love you too," I murmured, closing my eyes and letting myself drift off to sleep.