*Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.

Chapter One: Uncertainty

.

I am lost, completely lost. I want everything that I don't have. At the same time, I want everything that I do have to stay the same. Can I have everything I don't have and still keep everything that I do? It's highly unlikely, when I can barely form coherent thoughts.

I'm sitting on the shower floor, arms wrapped around my legs, eyes pressed into my knees. The water is starting to get cold, but it beats the alternative. Playing in my head are all the different ways that he could be with me right now.

Taking the stairs two at a time, he races up here and breaks down the door. He lifts me up by my waist as my arms and legs wrap around him. Somehow, I know exactly how his mouth will feel on mine. When you are meant to be with someone, these are the things you just know. He manages to carry me to my room without breaking our heated kiss. When he carefully lays me on the bed, I reach up and—Huh, I wonder if the state of my wrinkled, water-soaked hands would ruin this scenario.

I turn off the frigid water when it's too cold to bear. So much for willing my daydreams to come true. Is it really that unfeasible for him to feel my pleas and appear behind me in the shower? He appears behind me everywhere else I least expect him to. I even left the door unlocked just in case.

You never really know who will be here when my dad, Charlie, is working overnight. This arrangement only works if the girls are my friends and the guys are Emmett's. Currently, Rosalie Hale is the only girl permitted in my house. Charlie would rather us have a few friends over than be out wreaking havoc on the streets of Forks. He puts himself on a need to know basis. Although, it sort of works out that if he doesn't want to know, then he doesn't need to know. Just like I don't need to know why my dad hasn't had a Friday night off work in over three years. I'm pretty sure he's not always at work. I know in his mind the boys play poker and Rose and I gossip and paint our nails all night.

My mom, Renee, has been on a break from marriage and motherhood for the last ten years. None of the memories I have of her are good. I only hear from her about once a year when I get a postcard from some arbitrary place. It only hurts when I let myself actually think about it. When she split, my dad paid the neighbor to babysit me, and a year later, he got me a brother.

At seven years old, Emmett was always wandering around town by himself, and Charlie was always transporting him back to his parents. Eventually, Charlie started keeping Emmett around longer and longer before returning him. Emmett won me over the first time showed me he could shake his eyeballs without moving his head. I'm still not sure what happened, but a few weeks later Emmett's parents fled town, and we got to keep him. Sometimes, if I'm feeling down about my mom, I just look at Emmett. If she were still around back then, maybe Charlie wouldn't have thought he'd fit in with us. There's no way to know how our lives would have been had Renee stuck around. Given the choice between a mom who didn't want the constraints of a family, and a brother I can always count on, Emmett always wins.

"Bella, come on," Emmett bellows at me from down stairs for the third time. I'm not sure why my presence is necessary; I'm positive Rose isn't here. Rose and Emmett have an on-again off-again relationship; as of late, they are off again.

The mirror is all fogged up, so I use my pruned finger and write in the corner, "I Love You!" Maybe someone will write back.

Slow deep breaths. I really don't want to go down stairs. There's no doubt in my mind that Edward is down there. Edward Cullen and Jasper Whitlock are pretty much always here. Even though I would probably be devastated if they weren't, being around Edward is almost more than I can take. We are completely meant to be together. Someday, when he starts taking me seriously, we are going to be magic. That is if he can stop fucking it up along the way.

Lately, I have had a new reason to feel nervous when it comes to Edward. Last week, Tyler Crowley asked me to homecoming. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no either. I would like to go to at least one dance in high school; I'm trying not to have any major regrets. The problem is, after prom last year; Edward declared I would be his date to all future dances. This shouldn't be an issue, except I don't know if he was serious. It happened months ago, and now, with homecoming two weeks away, he hasn't even mentioned it.

Edward was pretty intimidated when Tanya Denali set her sights on him last year. We were sophomores, and she was a senior, but that didn't stop her. Edward did his best to avoid her; I even got to save him a few times. When I asked him why he didn't like her, he claimed she was mean, and when I told him she was really pretty, his answer was "Yeah, if you like big teeth."

Several times he said that if I were his girlfriend he probably wouldn't have to deal with her. Had he ever asked me directly I would have said yes. Even if it was just to deter Tanya. Maybe it would have pushed us to the next step, but more likely, it would have pushed Tanya to be even more relentless.

Tanya ended up announcing he would be her prom date at a charity function, in front of their parents. I know he was stuck. Her parents were thrilled, and Edward always clams up in awkward situations. Nevertheless, it still hurt that he went through with it; something died inside me when he came over the next day with a dark hickey on his neck. It became even worse yet, when Charlie laughed and gave him a pat on the back.

Although his night with Tanya seemed to be a complete success, when no one else was around, he stated that I would be going with him to all future dances. I was thrilled at first, until I realized I was either an excuse to keep away from aggressive girls like Tanya, or he wasn't being serious. My dreams of a future with Edward have been tainted ever since. Some wounds never fully heal, and when I'm around Edward it's like I have an unclosed gash.

I slip on a tank top and loose pajama pants, and head downstairs. As expected, Edward and Jasper are the only ones here. I tried having Jessica Stanley over once. We woke up to Edward yelling at three in the morning. Apparently, Edward isn't a fan of waking up to someone gnawing on his ear. Jessica was mortified; Cosmo had claimed it was a tried and true seduction technique. Her embarrassment hasn't stopped her from begging to come back over every chance she gets. That's never going to happen. I also no longer consider her a friend; she may not have been aware of my feelings for Edward, but I have to deal with enough stupid girls and their tricks.

In the kitchen, Jasper is pouring shots from a water bottle filled with whatever he was able to skim from his mom's liquor cabinet. I'm not into drinking, but I taste it. Spicy cinnamon coats my tongue, and then sets my throat on fire. It's not as bad as other drinks I've tried, but I don't want more.

"Why did you need me down here so badly?" I ask Emmett.

"I got you your favorite pizza." Sure enough, amongst the boxes of pepperoni is a Margherita pizza. Oh, what a charmer; he definitely wants something.

"And why did you do that?" What does he want me to tell Rose for him this time?

"What do you mean why? It's your favorite. I ordered pizza, so I got you your favorite." Sure, Emmett, you are always so considerate.

The arms that engulf me from behind aren't the ones I long for, but I would never turn them away. "Edward got the pizza." Jasper says as I lean back against him. Being close to Jasper is the safest place I've ever been. He's affection without nervous expectation. We've both had a lack of physical contact in our family situations, which is why I think we've always been drawn to each other in this way.

"Thanks for the pizza, Edward."

"Only the best for you." He is sitting at the table messing with his phone.

"What are we doing tonight?" I ask.

"Is Rosie coming?" Emmett asks in return. Emmett looks hopeful, but it won't be so easy to get her back this time. Last week, at Jasper's gig, he let some girl named Carmen write her number on his arm, and then the big fool forgot about it. Dimples only take you so far. He's going to have to really earn her forgiveness this time.

"No. Sorry, Em." I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I can't change the truth.

Honestly, it's crazy that Charlie lets Rose stay here anyway; yeah, she's my friend, but come on. There is no way he doesn't know that Emmett and Rose hook up. He just doesn't care. I've noticed the way he pats Emmett's back every time Rose is mentioned. I bet if he knew how often I hook up with Edward inside my head or if he knew how often Jasper sleeps in my room, he wouldn't allow co-ed sleepovers to continue.

"Fine, we're just going to play a game." By a game, he means Xbox and a first person shooter. Sure enough, a game I can't even pretend to want to play.

"What's wrong?" Jasper asks so only I can hear. He worries about a lot, so he should never have to worry about me.

"Just girl stuff." Which is true. I doubt he would understand.

"Let's go hiking tomorrow, really early, before the sun comes up." Jasper recently introduced me to the clarity of the mind when the only sounds are that of nature. Maybe I could benefit from clearing my mind for a while.

"Yeah, just wake me up." Jasper twirls me like a ballerina out of his embrace.

Emmett plops himself down on the recliner; one of these days, it's going to break from his massive weight. Jasper and Edward take over the couch—boys are rude. Edward looks at me with raised eyebrows as he pats the barely there space next to him. I hope I appear nonchalant as I shake my head, roll my eyes, and grab the bean bag chair out of the corner.

As usual, I steal glances at Edward as often as I can get away with. I wish I had the guts to just go sit with him, or on him, whatever works.

I'm considering getting something from the kitchen. I know if I do, I have a ten percent chance of Edward following.

There was a time we used to all sleep right here in this living room: back when Rose was more mine than Emmett's and before I got overwhelmed whenever I was within two feet of Edward. Most nights, Edward slept next to me on the floor. He would run his hand over the tips of my fingernails and tell me all his dreams. Eventually, he started bringing my fingertips to his lips, rubbing them back and forth until I started tracing them on my own. When we were thirteen, I realized this was more than just comforting. I started imagining him kissing my fingertips, and I wished he would trace my lips too. He never did— he would just fall asleep. I started staying awake longer and longer after he fell asleep. My stomach would feel all fluttery, and I would just will him to wake up, lean forward, and kiss me.

Soon after I realized I had a crush on Edward, he started professing his love for me. At first it was cute comments that made me blush. When he would say things like, "I'm going to marry you someday," and tell me how amazing, beautiful, and perfect I was, I felt warm and giddy inside. I was sure he would ask me to be his girlfriend soon, but he never did. Instead his comments became weird. Sometimes they were still sweet, but usually they just sounded like a joke.

The first time I was hit with one of Edward's jokes was also in this living room. I had just got back from walking the neighbor's dog. Emmett, Jasper, our old neighbor Paul, and Edward were all goofing around.

Edward called out to me, "Hey, Bella, how are you?"

"Fine, how are you?" I replied.

"I know you're fine; I want to know how you're doing."

I felt a little goofy smile at first, but then Paul started cracking up and said, "Good one."

Soon after, I started hearing the other guys use all sorts of lines on girls at school.

I went from feeling flattered by Edwards's attention, to felling like I was practice. Still, sometimes, he says something just right, and my hopes come alive.

From this angle I have a perfect side view of his face. If there was any chance no one would question it, I would trace Edwards's silhouette on the wall his shadow has landed on. His ears are actually amazing. How have I never noticed before? For the first time, I'm kind of jealous of Stanley. Edward must feel my stare, because he looks over at me. I'm smiling at my thoughts, so he mouths, "what."

I shake my head no, and I'm sure I'm wearing the biggest goofy grin. He leans his head to the side, eyebrows raised, and again, I shake my head no. His shiny bronze hair helps him do all sorts of communicating as he motions me with his head to go with him to the other room. Nobody's hair is naturally that shiny—someday I'll figure out his secret.

Just as I'm about to give in and get up, Edward gets a text and steps outside the back door. I get up to go to the kitchen anyway. Maybe he will too, when he comes back in. I don't know who he has been talking to so much lately. All signs point to he's seeing someone. I've been doing my best to pretend I'm wrong.

I grab a few stray dishes on my way out. I can see Edward pacing in the yard. He looks all kinds of frustrated. Trouble in paradise? I certainly hope so.

As I clean off the dishes, the warmth of the water puts me at ease. I get lost in a moment of make believe. Edward comes up behind me, placing a kiss to the base of my neck, and then reaches his arms around each side of me to help me with the task at hand.

I'm lost in my thoughts when I feel a hand squeeze just above my hip. It's the best kind of feeling, almost overwhelming, the flutter that shoots through my whole body. I know it's Edward; he's the only one who touches me like this.

"You look exactly like my next girlfriend," he says smoothly before I even have a chance to get my bearings. It takes me a moment to understand what he just said. Maybe I should ask when, but then he has to go and start talking again.

"Are you going to tell me what that was all about in there?"

"Don't know what you are talking about." I feign ignorance as I push away his hand, and I turn to face him. Pre-Tanya, everything he said was cute and made me smile; post-Tanya, I question everything.

"Why were you smirking at me?"

I can feel the warmth spread across my face, and I can't help the giggle that escapes.

He is looking at me like I'm crazy, but I can tell he is amused. He's so close I can smell him. His scent is nothing but clean. Like his clothes stay freshly laundered all day. I inhale and finally understand the scent of summer breeze.

"Your ears."

"My ears make you smile?" He's so close, my heart's erratic. I focus on counting the different shades of green in his eyes.

"I was just noticing you have this dent, kind of looks like teeth marks."

"Dammit, I do not." He is frantically rubbing his ear. I'm sure he will be examining himself in the mirror later.

In this moment I feel carefree, and even though he is trying to scowl at me, our laughter is real. These moments are the reason I have hope for us. Maybe the spot Tanya marked on his neck will always make me tense, and I'll probably have to accept many more firsts he won't share with me. I know he's worth it; this right here is worth everything.

"What should we do in the morning?" He pulls me from my thoughts. I really want to clear up the homecoming issue, but I'm petrified of the answer. "Breakfast in bed?"

"Oh, Jasper asked me to go hiking."

He nods and lets a deep breath out through his nose, "Yeah, of course he did."

"Do you want to come?"

"Nope. Are you going to be up for a while? I need to go take care of something."

Our prefect moment is gone. He probably needs to talk to his girlfriend about the dance.

"No, I'm going to head up."

"Okay, I'll see you when I see you."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Bella"

Now, here I am back to lost and confused. Nothing was cleared up; we had a moment, and we lost a moment. Someday, one of our moments will lead to another moment, or maybe that's just more of me being confused. I live in the torment of a one-sided hopeless love not of my choosing, because if I really had any say, I wouldn't chose to love through heartbreak. And if this is fate, how are we not on the same page?

.

Speacial thanks to pre-readers TraciSnow, dazzled eyes22, and Thunnababy for all their feedback

Thanks to beta's ElleCC and Emily-Masen at PTB for all their help.

And thanks to you for reading and for all the alerts and reviews.