12 APRIL, 2012. 10:35 P.M.
I don't think anybody realizes how unhappy I am.
Mother thinks it's a joke. Or a phase. Maybe both. "You're just growing up! It's a part of being a teenager."
She doesn't understand.
She never will.
I don't think anyone will.
How can anybody possibly understand what I feel?
I hate everything—including myself, no matter how "awesome" I claim to be. I have so few passions in life.
Father yelled at me today for not eating. I'm not hungry though. Being hungry means eating and eating means being fat and I don't want to be fat anymore.
I wish I was thin. I wish I was pretty. I wish I was smart and popular and funny and witty.
Maybe then people would like me.
Maybe then I would like myself.
Ah, but that doesn't really matter anymore, does it?
Fuck.
13 APRIL, 2012. 6:47 P.M.
I just got home from work. I was supposed to stay until 8:00, but the manager sent me home because "you don't look well at all, Gillian, and you aren't doing anything right, which is unlike you."
Well, that's a lie, right there, Mr. Manager, sir, because I never do anything right. Haha!
I have a text in my phone from Mattie that I haven't even opened yet. I received it at 3:55, I guess? I didn't actually notice that I had the message until I was on my way to work, though.
I'm afraid to open it.
I mean, I'm going to die soon, right? I shouldn't attach myself further to the living.
And, in the long run, it would hurt Mattie more, right?
I don't want that.
I don't want him to be hurt.
So I shouldn't open it and I most certainly should not reply.
…
Oh fuck, I'm so weak.
I'm sorry, Matthew, the least I could do for you is pretend to be happy.
13 APRIL, 2012. 9:47 P.M.
God knows why, but I decided to do my homework.
I suppose, in the last week in my life, I could at least pretend to care.
Fuck, I've been missing a lot of days of school, though. I don't understand any of this shit. I have a math test tomorrow and I am going to fail.
… But really, it doesn't matter if I fail now, right? Haha.
In many ways, it's kind of a big relief.