Chapter 2
Deana Carter – Strawberry Wine
My first taste of love, oh bittersweet.
The green on the vine,
like strawberry wine.
Being friends with Damon Salvatore was like being friends with Taylor Swift; he had a 'squad' for everything. He had a going-out squad, a study squad, a work squad… and me. I wasn't quite sure where I fit in Damon's squad but let's just say if we were still using the Swift analogy, I was his Selena Gomez. He was my best friend even if we didn't spend every waking moment together. Not that we could have spent every waking moment together anyway, Damon was always busy. Like you had to plan nights in advance with him, there was no such thing as 'chill nights' unless he initiated them. Seriously, I texted him one Monday night asking about a tutorial question and he said he'd text me back when he was home. I texted him at 4.30, he replied with the answer to the question at 2 in the morning. Sometimes it was cool though; he'd often just show up at my house at 11 at night to watch a movie or we'd go a drive and get food. Sometimes he'd come to mines after nights out because he didn't like to be alone but that only ever happened twice. Because Damon was almost never alone.
Which brings me to the problem. Damon was a total player, he was the kind of guy who was always texting several girl at the one time, or who could message someone past midnight asking them to come round, and they did. Yet, Damon wasn't often described as a 'dick'. Even though he was, and I told him every day. He always brushed it off and said the girls knew the set-up when they started talking to him. He doesn't do relationships. I was always too afraid to ask what he meant by that. If he meant that for all girls or if I would be an exception. But that thought process led me down a dark path where I considered the question of Damon having feelings for me. And the obvious answer that he didn't. And even if he did, it wouldn't matter. Damon Salvatore didn't do relationships.
Deep down, I knew that my friendship with Damon was toxic. I mean, you shouldn't want to kiss your best friend. You shouldn't lie awake till 3 in the morning when you know he's out in the hopes he'll drunk dial you. You shouldn't cry because he only thinks about you sometimes and you think about him all the time.
October 10th 2012
Dear diary,
He floods my thoughts every second of everyday.
I don't know how to swim;
But that's okay.
E x
Of course, Damon never treated me as he treated those other girls. Sure there was suggestive jokes, endless flirting and – when he'd had one too many – he got a bit too touchy-feely but that was just Damon. Damon was a flirt, a chancer but ultimately, Damon was a friend, just a friend. And that was okay because he was my friend, in fact, he was my best friend and not that I ever truly got over the wonder of Damon Salvatore, I did begin to accept that he would never be mines.
Still, that didn't mean we didn't have fun together and I couldn't enjoy his company. Damon and I had loads of laughs and I really enjoyed his company. We both had passion for different things – he loved football and I loved Taylor Swift. He liked nightclubs, I liked bars. He liked getting his eyebrows waxed, I pretended I didn't know the reason they always looked so damn perfect. So, yes, we had our differences but they were nothing in the face of everything we both loved. Damon and I were obsessed with Mexican food, we both hoped to specialise in some form of Commercial Law and live a life like Harvey Spector and Jessica Pearson, we appreciated Western Country for all its glory. What I loved most about Damon and I's relationship, though, was our deep appreciation of old movies. I'd never met someone before who loved the film industry as much as I did. So many days spent watching different decades of films and appreciating their glory; we bonded over our love of Dr Caligari but found that our tastes were so similar; I had never met anyone else who appreciated Tod Browning's 'Freaks' or openly discussed Leo McCarey's hilarious masterpiece 'Duck Soup'. But Damon did. My favourite day to date is the day we discovered a cinema was showing Hitchcock movies back to back and spent an afternoon watching and discussing Rear Window, Psycho and The Birds. It was followed by dinner at a cute and secluded café where we ended up befriending the owners. We spent hours sitting there that night all talking old movies, music genres and life in general. The owners were an elderly couple called Elle and Sam and I still visit them any time I'm in the neighbourhood. So does Damon. When we eventually left the café that night it was just after 11.30 but we both agreed it had been such a successful day and we didn't want it to end. Damon came back to my house and we drank wine, played corny board games like Cluedo and Guess Who and finally, we both fell asleep in my bed. Nothing happened nor did I want anything to. It was a perfect day with a perfect ending. When I woke up the next morning, Damon was gone. He'd left a note:
Gone to the gym. D x
It was the first of the many notes Damon was to write to me. I kept every single one.
I think one of the main issues with Damon and I's friendship was my insecurity. I couldn't understand what Damon's obsession was with me. Why had Damon been so obsessed with me when we first met? I had been shy, reserved and, to put it frankly, a bitch. I didn't want to befriend Damon initially, I thought he was way too cool for a girl like me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete introvert and I like going out but not in the same league as Damon. Damon could not sit still. He even paced when he studied (you can imagine how annoying trying to study with him is). He constantly had to be productive. It was an attractive quality but it was the complete opposite of me. I liked to lounge about all day watching re-runs of Gossip Girl and eating. A typical morning for Damon consisted of getting up between 730 and 8, going to the gym for an hour (two on weekends) then either going to work, uni or another creative activity. It was a miracle I got him to sit through three movies with me. He said it was because he wanted to see me and he couldn't convince me to go paint-balling so this was the next best option. Days like that, spent just Damon and I were special. He had a way of making you feel so important; he put you on a pedestal and you wanted to strive to meet his expectations. However, the quality that made Damon special was also what made him toxic. I spent so much of my time trying to impress him that I lost a part of myself, a part of myself I don't think I'll ever get back.
October 26th 2012
Dear diary,
My relationship with Damon scares me and I don't think I should be feeling emotions this deep when I'm still so young. I just want to be with him all the time.
I don't know what I'd do if he ever found out how I feel about him,
But sometimes, when I catch him looking at me, I wonder if maybe it's worth the risk.
E x