"My So-Called Life" – Part Two
Jean Grey/Phoenix
Dying was all she thought about these days.
It was hard to focus on anything else - new students and teachers, talk of re-introducing Mutant Registration, Kitty and Bobby's new relationship (which she found particularly painful to endure when she could pay attention), or the failure of the cure … it all seemed so pointless when he wasn't there to share it with her.
Scott.
All they found were his glasses. Just his glasses …
Mostly Jean just thought about all the ways one could die in a school filled with mutants. There was Beast and Colossus who could snap her neck in half or Ororo who could zap her with a bolt of lightening. Jubilee could zap her too, come to think of it; the girl never did get to do much. Shadowcat could stick her in a wall to rot; Warren could drop her from seventy stories up. Iceman could freeze her and then someone could throw a brick or something … the possibilites were endless.
If Jean let them, of course.
Then there was Logan. She'd tried to have a conversation with him once or twice but it had been uncomfortable on both ends, Logan remembering killing the woman he had loved and Jean two seconds away from asking him to do it again.
All they found were his glasses. Just his glasses …
Her favorite fantasy was letting Rogue suck her dry because it seemed the most painful way to go and she not-so-secretly wanted that punishment. It wouldn't take much, just the lightest of touches, and then she would be free - her body a hollow shell (no cremation, phoenixes rise from ashes) – and her mind would be someone else's problem.
Jean sighed. Maybe if she had risen from the dead without a conscience perhaps.
She talked frequently with Charles when she wasn't thinking about death. His new body didn't bother her; she would know his mind anywhere. She forgave him for repressing the Phoenix personality; he forgave her clone for killing him. He helped her deal with the aftereffects of what the first Phoenix had done; she helped him when he was frustrated by the mistrust of the staff and the students.
Together they worked to merge Phoenix and Jean and for the most part it had been successful. She only felt the need to destroy solar systems when they went up against the Friends of Humanity or when Storm started in on what Logan called her 'mutant love bullshit.' And gradually everyone got used to them again, became more comfortable, even welcomed them.
But she still thought about death.
All they found were his glasses. Just his glasses …
They said you needed something to live for and when Jean had finally got up the nerve to ask about the details it seemed that no one had actually seen Scott die - all that had been found were his glasses, floating by the lake. Of course, the Phoenix had never left much more than an atom of anyone before but it was the one thing that kept her going, kept her sane, kept her from firing up Phoenix's powers, taking out a few people, and then willing herself out of existence.
All they found were his glasses. Just his glasses. Not his body.
It wasn't much, some days it wasn't enough, but ultimately it was better than the alternative.