p style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"I'm not sure when it started. I think it was probably after I became Scoutmaster. Maybe it even had something to do with that./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"The youngest Scoutmaster in history, and the Scouts keep history longer than the city officials. Much longer. And I'd always loved everything about being a Scout, being a Scout Leader. It was just the natural next step, and as soon as I stepped into the position, it was like a key in a lock. Like it was made for me, and I was made for it. It clicked, and suddenly I had the knowledge, the confidence, the skill to do anything. I think confidence was the biggest part of that, really./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"It kept me busy, and I admit I lost track of a lot of the rest of my life. Cecil had gone to Europe. I'm not sure how long he was there. I kept taking care of my family, of course. That was my responsibility, it's what I was born for. But they were getting older, and my job was everything. It kept me busy. I've never been great at delegating, so I took care of my big Scoutmaster responsibilities and I made time for each troop, each level, each Scout. They all deserved my time. That's what I loved about the job./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"At the age they're in Scouts, boys are growing and changing pretty fast. It's great to see, I was so proud of each of them. I was so focused on the kids that it took me a while to realize that I wasn't doing the same thing. I mean, at nineteen, you don't have a lot of growing left to do. But you know, you'd think after a while I'd start getting crow's feet around my eyes, lines on my face, thicker facial hair – I've never had much of that. Maybe even some gray. But the years passed and… nothing./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"Looking back, it was like I was caught in my own little bubble where time didn't exist. And outside, people were growing up, changing, starting and ending relationships, being born… dying… and there I was, still nineteen./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"I didn't feel like it affected me much, honestly. Maybe I was too wrapped up in the Scouts, or maybe I was just numb to the fact that time and everyone else was going on without me. When the Eternal Scout ceremony approached, I knew what would happen. Well, I had a pretty good idea, anyway. I knew there would be casualties. I knew I wouldn't make it. And that was okay. It was for the Scouts. It was all for the Scouts, they were all I had anymore. Nothing else mattered. I was proud, so proud, and terrified too, but I accepted my fate./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"And then the Void. There is nothing like it, there is nothing in it, and in it, I was nothing./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"It took me a while to notice when I made it out – I was too overwhelmed by the sudden presence of… everything. Sight, sound, touch, smell, taste, every sense bombarded. It was only much later that I saw myself in a mirror. I looked haunted, half-dead, terrified… But the lines, the crow's feet, they were all there. Darker bags under my eyes, those never left. Still not much facial hair. Maybe a few gray hairs, if I looked closely. Or was that just dirt? How long had it been?/p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"How long was I nineteen?/p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"The youngest Scoutmaster in history, and the Scouts keep history longer than the city officials. Much longer. And I'd always loved everything about being a Scout, being a Scout Leader. It was just the natural next step, and as soon as I stepped into the position, it was like a key in a lock. Like it was made for me, and I was made for it. It clicked, and suddenly I had the knowledge, the confidence, the skill to do anything. I think confidence was the biggest part of that, really./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"It kept me busy, and I admit I lost track of a lot of the rest of my life. Cecil had gone to Europe. I'm not sure how long he was there. I kept taking care of my family, of course. That was my responsibility, it's what I was born for. But they were getting older, and my job was everything. It kept me busy. I've never been great at delegating, so I took care of my big Scoutmaster responsibilities and I made time for each troop, each level, each Scout. They all deserved my time. That's what I loved about the job./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"At the age they're in Scouts, boys are growing and changing pretty fast. It's great to see, I was so proud of each of them. I was so focused on the kids that it took me a while to realize that I wasn't doing the same thing. I mean, at nineteen, you don't have a lot of growing left to do. But you know, you'd think after a while I'd start getting crow's feet around my eyes, lines on my face, thicker facial hair – I've never had much of that. Maybe even some gray. But the years passed and… nothing./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"Looking back, it was like I was caught in my own little bubble where time didn't exist. And outside, people were growing up, changing, starting and ending relationships, being born… dying… and there I was, still nineteen./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"I didn't feel like it affected me much, honestly. Maybe I was too wrapped up in the Scouts, or maybe I was just numb to the fact that time and everyone else was going on without me. When the Eternal Scout ceremony approached, I knew what would happen. Well, I had a pretty good idea, anyway. I knew there would be casualties. I knew I wouldn't make it. And that was okay. It was for the Scouts. It was all for the Scouts, they were all I had anymore. Nothing else mattered. I was proud, so proud, and terrified too, but I accepted my fate./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"And then the Void. There is nothing like it, there is nothing in it, and in it, I was nothing./p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"It took me a while to notice when I made it out – I was too overwhelmed by the sudden presence of… everything. Sight, sound, touch, smell, taste, every sense bombarded. It was only much later that I saw myself in a mirror. I looked haunted, half-dead, terrified… But the lines, the crow's feet, they were all there. Darker bags under my eyes, those never left. Still not much facial hair. Maybe a few gray hairs, if I looked closely. Or was that just dirt? How long had it been?/p
p style="margin: 10px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; color: #6e7173; font-family: Baskerville, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 15px;"How long was I nineteen?/p