Forever Starts Now
Chapter Two
Author's Note: I know this chapter is much shorter than the last one, but the last one took me nearly a week. I put this together in just a few hours. I'll try putting another together tomorrow if I can. Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter. Really helped get my gears grinding on this one.
It was spring.
I woke up with a start to Peeta thundering up the stairs. It wasn't even dawn. I groaned with annoyance.
"Katniss!" he yelled. "Come quick!"
"Normal human beings are asleep at this hour…" I murmured into the pillow.
"You'll want to see this!" he exclaimed, coming into the bedroom and shaking me. "Now hurry up!"
I looked up at him blearily to see his cheeks flushed, his eyes twinkling. I'd never seen him so… alive.
"Fine," I huffed, getting up. I paced over to the dresser and pulled out my cardigan and house shoes.
He ran down the stairs and I heard the kitchen door slam behind him.
I was curious. I hurried down the staircase, causing Buttercup to yell out a piercing squall.
"Shut it," I told him, sending a sharp kick his way.
I opened the back door and was greeted by Belle sharply barking, her stub of a tail wagging furiously.
From my stance at the porch, I could see Peeta hunched over in the corner of the goats' enclosure. Soleil was in the far corner, her dark brown coat barely visible in the moonlight. The blonde goat, the one we'd called Luna, was nowhere to be found.
At the sound of the dog barking, Peeta turned slightly.
"Katniss, come over here," he said.
I headed down the stairs and around the gate. Kneeling next to him, I saw he had a bundle of blankets in his lap.
"What…?" I trailed off, looking down in his lap. "Where's Luna?"
"We've got two baby goats. And a whole lot of work ahead of us," Peeta said, sighing.
"Where's Luna?" I repeated, looking around for the blonde goat that had reminded me so much of Prim's goat.
Peeta gestured to the blankets in his lap. "This little one had quite the rough start. He didn't want to eat this morning and was having difficulty keeping his body temperature. Tough guy. His sister is just fine over there in the corner."
The baby goat peered his head through the blanket in Peeta's lap and let out a little cry.
"It's okay," Peeta said, calming him. "You're okay."
"Peeta?" I pressed, my voice choking up. "Where's Luna?"
"She didn't make it, Katniss," Peeta said, his voice cracking. "She was fine up until this one was born. After he was born, she didn't get back up. She just… was gone."
I had really liked Luna. She was a quiet goat. Too often while I was working on tilling the garden the couple of weeks prior, she would watch me. I'd fed her a few carrots and always gave her a scratch behind the ears. She was sweet.
Yet another living thing… gone.
"This one should be Lucky," I told Peeta, gesturing to the little blonde lamb in his lap. "And the girl… I think Lady. After Prim's goat."
Peeta nodded. "They'll need to be bottle fed. It's still a bit cold so we should bring them inside. I can put some blankets together in the kitchen and we can fence it off, okay?"
"Okay," I said.
The baby goats grew fast. Peeta and I called them our kids. By the end of the following month, after hours upon hours of exhausting bottle feeds, the weather was finally warm enough to turn them outside. While I was glad to re-claim my kitchen, I missed their little faces peering over the make-shift fence by the back door. Peeta had had to sand and re-paint our back door as Lucky had decided to butt his little head up against the door time after time.
Spring was fully in bloom. Our garden was finally blossoming and our chickens were laying eggs. Peeta had built a shelter for the goats with a door that fully closed. Belle was finally big enough to sleep with the goats and she had proven to be an excellent guard dog… when she wasn't huddled with the kids sleeping.
Life was finally moving again. My banishment to District 12 was feeling less and less like a banishment. I was happy again.
It was dinner time. Peeta and I had spent a long day outside, milking the goats, tending the garden, washing laundry, feeding the chickens. After hanging the laundry to dry, we'd headed inside and made dinner.
"Ever feel like we do the same thing day after day?" Peeta asked me.
I shrugged. "It's not like there's much else to do."
"I guess," Peeta sighed. He studied his stew, clearly thinking.
"Are you saying you want to do something different?" I asked him. "I think we've been pretty innovative… we've basically turned this place into a working farm and – "
"Have you thought any more about having kids?" Peeta asked suddenly.
"We do have kids. The goats," I said dismissively. "They've been a great addition."
"You know that's not what I meant," Peeta said, rolling his eyes.
"We've discussed that, Peeta." I didn't mean for my voice to come out as sharply as it did.
"Things have changed though," he pressed. "I mean, we've really turned this place around and it would really be a great place to have children. They'd be able to help out with the farm when they're old enough and things wouldn't be quite so glum around here."
"You won't be thinking that when I go the same way Luna did," I said bitterly. "Children are a reminder of the Games and of death. Every time I think of children, I think of the Capitol's children. I think of those parents who had to give up their kids, only to see them get blown up right in front of their faces."
Peeta was quiet.
"I don't want children," I said, getting up from the table.
Peeta didn't look up. I grabbed my plate, scraped it out into the trash, and put it into the sink before heading up the stairs. Peeta didn't follow me.
It was near the end of May and the heat was blistering. Our windows were wide open and I'd had spent a great portion of the day cleaning.
It was that day that I'd found some of Prim's belongings in an untouched cupboard. Everything felt so raw.
Buttercup had kept me company while I carefully put up Prim's most precious belongings in a wooden box in the attic. I was coming back down the stairs when I saw Peeta at the front door.
"I didn't expect you for a visit!" he said, a wide smile on his face. Haymitch came through the front door and enveloped Peeta into a hug.
I stood behind the door leading to the attic, wiping away the last of my tears.
"Katniss!" Haymitch said, looking over. I plastered a grin onto my face. Of course, Haymitch knew me only too well. "Everything okay?"
"It's getting there," I told him. "Some days are better than others."
"You can say that again," Effie said, coming through the front door. She rested one hand on her distended abdomen.
"Wow," I said, my jaw dropping. "You guys!"
"We figured you'd wonder where we had gone if we stayed away too long," Effie said. "We were going to send you a letter, but that seemed far too impersonal. So we thought we'd stop by. It's such a beautiful day and with this little one due any day now, we thought we wouldn't get the opportunity to come by again any time soon."
"And of course, Effie thought it too rude to just drop in with an infant," Haymitch added. "She's taught me quite a bit about etiquette, this one has."
I cracked a smile.
"Although, I'm surprised that with as much time as the two of you have had together over the past nine months, there isn't a Baby Mellark on the way," he said, looking over at Peeta.
"Katniss doesn't want kids," Peeta said.
"Oh, but why not?" Effie asked. "It's the greatest thing."
"For some people, yes," I said. "But some people don't want them. I'm just fine with it just being Peeta and I. And our goats. And chickens. And dog. And cat."
And for a baby to even be a remote possibility, Peeta and I would have to be intimate and that hadn't happened in ages. I was too afraid of an "accident."
Effie frowned and I could tell she was mulling some thoughts over in her head. "Haymitch, why don't you and Peeta go check the barn? See if they need anything we could possibly send from District 8, darling?"
"Sure thing," Haymitch said. He clapped Peeta on the shoulder and the two of them headed out through the kitchen.
Effie clucked her tongue and she headed out toward the sitting room. She sat on the chaise lounge and kicked up her feet.
"Have a seat, Katniss," she said, nodding to the sofa across from her.
As awkward as it felt to be instructed to sit in my own home, I complied with her request.
"Talk to me," she said. "I know you love, Peeta. So why decline him something he wants so much?"
"He thinks he wants kids," I said. "He thinks he wants them because it's quiet here. He thinks he wants them because the world is a better place than what it was a few months ago. He thinks he wants them because he's so in love with me. And he thinks he wants them because he lost his family in the war. He thinks it will be a replacement for everything that was lost."
"In some ways, it is," Effie acknowledged. "In some ways, the next generation will be better than ours. There will be no war. There will be peace."
"That's what you think," I countered. "But war is inevitable. It might not happen right away, but eventually, there will be squabbles among the Districts. One will tempt the other. And then, hell will break loose. And while Peeta and I are lucky enough to be stuck here in a place where time seems to never pass, other people won't be as lucky. I refuse to bring children into a world where a Games could be brought up as a solution to any conflict."
"Katniss, dear. Eventually, you have to move on. You're denying someone who loves you very much something they desperately want over something that isn't even a remote possibility. The likelihood of another Hunger Games that would happen to your children is microscopically miniscule."
"How do you – "
"Think of Peeta," she pressed. "Think of what he wants. There has to be a compromise somewhere. A baby won't replace Prim. It won't replace Finnick or Gale or your mother or anyone else that used to be part of your life that no longer is. But a baby will be a whole new person that will be part of your lives. How can that be a bad thing?"
"It's not a bad thing," I said hesitantly. "It's just not something I'm ready for. We lost a goat this past spring in childbirth. How on earth do you expect Peeta to deliver a baby? Do we get a midwife or a nurse from another District? Are they allowed to come here? I mean, there is so much that scares me. He has no right to expect that of me."
"But how long have you know what he wants?" Effie pressed. "You knew he wanted a family before you ever agreed to marry him. So how is it fair of you to deny him something he wants so badly just because you're scared?"
I paused. And once again, Effie was right.
"Fine," I said. "You're right. I get it."
"I'm not saying it has to be right now. But just think things over and talk to him. He loves you enough not to pressure you into something you're not ready for. But you have to love him enough to at least entertain his ideas and seriously consider them."
I nodded. "Are we done now?"
Effie laughed. "Yes."
"What's it like?" I asked her. "Aren't you scared?"
"It's definitely a unique experience," Effie said, nodding. "It's something that's part of me and part of Haymitch and I wouldn't trade this baby for anything else in the world. I expect it will be different once it's born… everyone has told me this idea of what to expect and they all think my nursery ideas are wildly insane and unrealistic. But then again, I've been told that all my life so… we'll see. It kicks when I least expect it. And it even has the hiccups. I've never been so tuned in to a stranger."
I smiled.
We heard footsteps and looked up to hear Haymitch discussing Peeta's idea for water conservation.
"I mean, it's a great idea you've got to filter the water. I can't believe I didn't think of something like that!" he laughed.
"Then again, when we were all here before the Rebellion, we couldn't do much," Peeta acknowledged.
"Well, I'll definitely make sure we send you some supplies. You can expect the shipment at some point next week, even though Effie and I probably won't make it back out here until late fall. Figure you'll need help to sow the plants and weatherproof the garden for your first year," Haymitch said. He looked over at Effie. "You ready, doll?"
"I think so," she said. "Thanks for letting us drop by," she added. "Thanks for the discussion, Katniss."
I nodded. "Safe travels," I insisted.
"Always," Haymitch said, opening the door for his wife.
Peeta came behind me and rested his arm around me.
"What did you and Effie talk about?" he asked curiously.
"The future," I said, looking up and grinning at him.
"You seem happier," he said.
"Well, you know how it is," I said, turning away from the door. "I'm always happy to have great company."
President Paylor paid us a visit two weeks later. It was the first anniversary of Panem's independence.
It was early, barely dawn, and we weren't expecting company. I jolted awake, Peeta nearly jumping out of my arms.
A whole year later and we still weren't prepared for surprises. We still jumped at loud noises and we still were on edge. I was convinced we would never change.
We quickly dressed and headed downstairs. Peeta opened the door and Paylor and two journalists came in.
"Good morning," she said. "I should have written you, but certain things, we'd like to keep under wraps. I hope I didn't interrupt…" she trailed off, looking at my tousled hair and Peeta's bleary eyes.
"Nothing except for sleep," I said, stepping aside. "Please, come inside, President."
She nodded to me and the two journalists followed her.
"As you may or may not be aware, today is Panem's first Independence Day celebration," she said, addressing me. We were hoping to announce the pardoning of the Mockingjay today. We were going to do it quietly… just an interview with you and a picture of you and Peeta to show that you're happy and thriving in your quiet… retirement."
"You mean, you don't need any propos or other fanfare?" I asked, surprised.
"That's not your job anymore, Mrs. Mellark. Your job is just to be happy. I just want to ensure that you can freely walk the streets of Panem without any fear of attack or slander. I want to make sure your name is clean and that you are vindicated."
I nodded. "What do you need from us?"
"Just a statement," she said. "I'm not expecting you to make an appearance. We'll just take a picture of you and Peeta against the sunrise and that'll be the last time you'll make public appearance unless you otherwise choose to. I have no interest in making you a public spectacle and I'd like to distance myself from Snow and Coin by just ensuring that you're happy."
Peeta nodded. "Let us get dressed first. Then we'll give you whatever it is you need."
President Paylor smiled modestly. "I thank you very much for your statements. They mean the world to both me and the great country that Panem has become."
Within the hour, we were dressed and our picture was taken against the sunrise, me wearing a simple blue dress with my hair blowing wildly against the summer wind and Peeta wearing his brown pants and a white button down. We looked quite the pair.
And we gave a statement.
"Here on this great Day of Independence for Panem and all of its Citizens, Mr. and Mrs. Peeta Mellark wish to share their gratitude for the Freedom of Panem. We do not forget the great sacrifices that were made for Panem's freedom, nor do we forget the friends that lost their lives to the benefit of this great nation. We give our thanks to all that made Freedom possible and all that still make freedom possible. We recognize the strengths and unique traits of each District of Panem and are thankful for the Diversity that comes as a result Partnership and Teamwork."
President Paylor thanked us.
"Your Pardon goes into effect today, Katniss. Feel free to attend the celebrations. After all, without you, there would not be a cause to celebrate," she said, nodding to me.
"Thank you for your kind words," I said.
"Thank you for allowing us into your home," she replied. "I will walk myself out."
As the door closed behind the journalists, Peeta looked over at me.
"So how does it feel?" he asked. "To be officially pardoned?"
"It doesn't feel as different as I thought it would," I told him. "I mean, sure, I can go out of the District for the first time in a year, but that doesn't mean much to me… I still don't care to venture to the Capitol just to walk where I killed Coin or to venture through the Districts where I saw people shot dead for agreeing to the Rebellion. I don't care to go to 13 where they hate me or to 4 to see my mother. I don't care to go to 8 where I saw a man get a bullet in his head for fighting for what's right. And in some ways, I'm scared to go out… I'm scared to see what people might think of me."
"I'm not saying we have to leave today," Peeta said. "And for us, District 12 will always be home. But maybe one day you'll want to travel. We have plenty of time until then," he said, cupping the side of my face. "I don't want to go until you're ready, okay?"
I nodded. "Thank you."
It was September. It was the Harvest season.
Our house was filled with bushels of corn, pumpkins, beans, tomatoes, and apples. I'd spent the majority of the day canning over the stove. I had never realized canning could be so exhausting.
Peeta was a great help. Not only did he bring me mason jars from the shipment we'd received, but he also harvested the plants and provided me with plenty of fresh produce to can. Not only had we filled our panty all the way up, but we'd started adding more jars to one of the empty bedrooms on the main floor. I was surprised at how successful our harvest had been.
"I think we have more than enough food to feed ourselves," Peeta said as I tightened the lids on the remaining jars I was working on for the night.
I sighed, setting the last jar down on the storage shelf. "I would say so. We'll probably have enough to donate come spring."
"Can I ask you a serious question?" Peeta asked, taking my hand.
"Sure," I said, sitting down next to him on the bed.
"Have you thought about it anymore?" he asked me seriously.
"About kids?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said. "I hate to be putting so much pressure on you, but you said we'd re-visit the topic later in the year."
I nodded. "I've thought about it."
"And?" he asked eagerly.
"I've decided that I'm not completely opposed to the idea." I watched his reaction nervously.
"Really?" he asked, his eyes lighting up.
"I'm not saying right now," I said hurriedly. "But you know, eventually. Once the farm is fully up and running. We need a few more things and you know, I was thinking about how fun Prim was when she was little, right before my father died in the mine… she and I were super close. It would be nice to be close to someone like that again."
Peeta nodded. "I can understand that," he said.
"Maybe a couple of years from now," I trailed off. "Maybe when we don't flinch at the slightest loud noise or by a knocking at the door or by something being moved around. Maybe when I feel safer…"
Peeta leaned in and gave me a hug. "I promise… you're always going to be safe with me. I'll never let something hurt you ever again."
I knew he couldn't promise that. But for now… I'd let him feel like he could.