DISCLAIMERS: Oh, the things I could buy if I owned 'Castle.' But alas, no I don't.
SUMMARY: Kate's PTSD causes a rollercoaster ride for her and Castle.
A/N #1: I wish Marlowe would address Kate's PTSD issues more. He did an excellent job in 'Kill Shot' and I'm thinking that it's going to be explored again by season's end. From the research that I read, PTSD never goes away, but it can be managed.
A/N #2: I want to thank everybody for the positive feedback for Chapter 1. Hopefully, I can continue to make this story something that everybody wants to read.
Chapter 2: Stumbling in the Dark
Castle didn't see how anybody got any sleep in a hospital. The night before he'd asked Martha and Alexis to bring Kate some clothes from home. Alexis had returned to the hospital with an overnight bag containing Kate's favorite sleep shorts and a t-shirt to sleep in along with clothes to wear home the next morning.
After eating something that resembled dinner, Kate had fallen asleep in Castle's arms. Once she was soundly sleeping, he closed his eyes and tried to sleep, only to be awakened at least once an hour by medical personnel checking to be sure that Kate wasn't in pain or to check her vital signs. The last time they came in, she decided that she'd had enough. "If I'm in pain, I will call for somebody. I'm tired and I'm trying to sleep. Please leave us the fuck alone," she grumbled against Castle's chest.
"Too bad it's not a hotel where we could just hang a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the doorknob," he whispered in her hair once the nurse had left.
She sighed as she rested her head on Castle's shoulder. She was still so tired and so sore, but at least she was no longer freezing cold. "I was so scared last night, Castle. I heard Simmons tell Harden to dig a hole where I wouldn't be found. He's a sociopath, Castle."
"I should've been there," his voice was choked up with emotion.
"Castle, you were there," she struggled to sit up in the bed. "You were with me the whole time," she smiled at him. "When they were . . . interrogating me, all I thought about was you. Thinking about the wedding, our future, little Castle babies was what kept me going. Please don't feel guilty because you weren't there."
"I'm your partner, Kate. I should've been there."
"Castle, if you had been there, one of us might not have made it out alive. If something had happened to you, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself."
He sat up and held his arms out to her as she fell into them, sobbing against his shoulder. "Shh. It's okay. We don't have to talk about this anymore tonight. Let's get some sleep and tomorrow I'll take you home. We'll curl up on the sofa in our jammies with a bowl of popcorn and watch mind numbing TV."
"Can we have a 'Survivor' marathon?" She asked.
"We will watch anything you want," he rubbed her back before lying down and pulling the covers up over both of them.
At some point in the night, she rolled away from him. But she woke up several times, disoriented and not remembering where she was. He knew from past experience that was her PTSD rearing its ugly head, causing her to have flashbacks and nightmares. When they'd first started sleeping together, she'd awakened like that on several occasions. He rolled toward her and lightly draped his arm over her, letting her know that he was there without actually waking her up or making her feel smothered. Through trial and error over the past year and a half, he'd learned this method worked the best. He smiled when he felt her reach for his hand and lace her fingers with his, pressing their entwined hands against her stomach.
She woke up the next morning to the feel of Castle's lips pressed against her neck. "Umm," she hummed, reaching her hand back and up to caress his cheek, loving the stubbly feel of his unshaved jaw.
"Are you okay? If you're okay with it, I'm going to go and find us some coffee."
"Coffee sounds wonderful," she murmured, still half-asleep.
"I'll be right back," he kissed her cheek before sitting up on the edge of the bed and pulling his shoes back on.
After Castle left, Kate rolled over and stretched her arms over her head, wincing at the soreness in her wrists and arms. Examining her wrists, she gasped at the raw, reddened skin, caused no doubt by the zip ties she'd been bound with. She was still taking inventory of her injuries when there was a knock on her door. She looked toward the door when Dr. Evans and a nurse stepped in. "Good morning, Det. Beckett," he greeted her warmly, walking over to her bed. "How are you feeling this morning?"
"Anxious to go home."
"Well, let's have a look at you. Where's your shadow?"
"He went to get us some coffee."
"Take some deep breaths," he instructed, listening to her lungs. "You sound so much better this morning. There's still slight rattling, but I think that'll ease over the next few days. Your temperature is normal and everything sounds great. I'll get your discharge papers started and get you out of here."
"Thank you," Kate smiled just as Castle walked in carrying two cardboard cups of coffee.
"I'll be back in a few minutes."
"So, have you been sprung?" Castle handed one of the cups to her.
"Yes. I'm going to enjoy this and then I'm going to get dressed. You wouldn't happen to know if Alexis packed a hairbrush, would you," she took a sip of her coffee and made a face. "This tastes like a monkey peed in battery acid."
"Hey, that was my line," he grinned. "I will check for a hairbrush."
"Can we swing by Starbucks when we get out of here? This is truly the worst coffee ever," she set the cup on her tray table and pushed it to one side.
"Worse than my mother's?"
"Believe it or not, yes."
"Here we go, one hairbrush," he pulled the object from the overnight bag and handed it to Kate.
"I'm going to go and get dressed."
She took the brush and the clothes that Alexis had brought her the night before and walked into the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. She turned on the water in the sink to wash her face, her heart beginning to race. All she could see was a dark room and a hateful face in front of her. Then she felt cold; bitter, bone-chilling cold. "I know your lungs are burning. I can feel the panic in your soul. All I want is for this to end. And I promise that I will end it."
Castle was sitting on the edge of Beckett's hospital bed, making a face after taking a sip of what had to be the worst coffee he'd ever had since his early days at the 12th. He shuddered, about to call out to Kate when he heard it. A low moan that sounded like it was coming from a wounded animal. "Kate?" He called out uncertainly before getting to his feet and approaching the slightly opened door. "Are you all right?"
She couldn't move; she couldn't breathe; she couldn't think. All she could do was feel. She felt the cold, the iciness that flowed down her throat when she tried to scream; the pain in her head when Simmons had slammed her head against the edge of the water-filled tub. She just wanted the pain and the cold to go away. She flinched and tried to jerk away when she felt hands on her shoulders, hands that wouldn't let go.
"Kate, come on. Focus on my voice," she could hear Castle speaking to her but it was like he was at the end of a very long tunnel. "Breathe, Kate. Deep breath in, deep breath out."
"Can't," she managed to choke out.
"Yes, you can," he kept his voice calm and low. "Come on, in through your nose, out through your mouth. Just like that. You're okay. You're safe. I promise that I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I'm going to take you home and we're going to veg on the couch. Do you remember?"
"In our pajamas," she finally focused her eyes on his reflection behind her in the bathroom mirror.
"That's right," he smiled, glad that she was coming back from the flashback. "Do you need help getting dressed? Because popcorn and 'Survivor' awaits us at home."
"The water, Castle. Can you—"
"It's done," he reached around in front of her and turned off the faucet. "It's off."
"Okay. Good," she managed to smile, feeling the racing in her heart begin to ease. "I'll be out in a few minutes."
"Can't wait," he turned her around, tilted her head up and gave her a kiss, knowing that she hated being fussed over when the flashbacks ended.
He stepped out of the bathroom, surprised to find Dr. Evans standing there. "Is everything okay?" The doctor asked.
"Yeah, I was just helping her with some stuff," Castle stammered.
"I brought Det. Beckett's discharge papers. The sooner she signs them, the sooner you can take her home."
"I'll take them in to her," Castle took the papers and once again went into the bathroom just as Kate was pulling her shirt over her head. "Here's your papers."
"Great," she took the offered pen and scrawled her name to the bottom of the sheet. "I'll be out as soon as I get my shoes on."
"No rush."
"Are you sure that everything's okay?" The doctor asked when Castle came out and handed him the papers.
"Everything's fine," Castle's voice was terse, brooking no room for an argument.
"I'll send in an orderly with a wheelchair then," the doctor took the papers and quickly left the room.
"Thank you," Castle said as he walked over and put Kate's shorts and shirt in the overnight bag. He'd just closed the bag when his fiancée came out of the bathroom. "He's sending in an orderly to wheel you out."
"Oh, not a stupid wheelchair," she groaned.
"Hey, just roll with it," he put his hands on her shoulder. "It's not worth fighting over."
"You're right," she reached up and put her hands over his. "I didn't know that you were there, Castle. A while ago," she clarified as he nodded, understanding all too well what she was talking about. "It hasn't been that bad in a long time."
"We're going to figure this out, Kate. If you need to call Burke, then that's what you're going to do. If you want to try to work through it with just me, then that's what we'll do. I'm not going to let you run and hide."
"No, I'm done running and hiding," she agreed.
"Then, let's go home and get you well," he smiled brightly just as the orderly entered the room pushing a wheelchair in front of him. "And I believe that your chariot waits."
Kate reluctantly sat in the wheelchair as Castle stepped behind the chair and the orderly left the room. "Take me home, Castle."
***CCC***
The second that Castle and Kate walked into the loft, they were mobbed by Martha and Alexis, who both took turns hugging Kate tightly, letting go when they heard her groan in pain. "Kate, are you okay? Do you need anything?" Alexis asked anxiously.
"You know what? Some hot chocolate would be wonderful," Kate smiled at the younger woman. "I'm still feeling a little chilled."
"Why don't you go and change into some warmer pajamas while I get some blankets and pillows for our mind-numbing TV marathon?" Castle suggested as Kate walked into their bedroom. "Beckett and I are going to have a 'Survivor' marathon. Would you ladies like to join us?"
"That actually sounds like fun," Alexis said from the kitchen.
"No, thank you, darling. Watching those people backstab each other reminds me too much of my early days on the stage. Too much drama," Martha waved her hands dramatically as Castle laughed.
"Alexis, while you're making hot chocolate, I'm going to make popcorn," Castle went into the kitchen and took out the microwave popcorn.
"You youngsters enjoy your marathon. I've got some errands to run. Call me if you need anything," Martha grabbed her purse and coat, making an exit worthy of the Broadway stage.
"Dad, is Kate okay?" Alexis whispered as she stirred the mixture on the stove.
"She's going to have a rough time, but for right now, she's okay. So, don't make a huge fuss," he looked pointedly at his daughter, who nodded.
"Listen to the popcorn. I have to get pillows and blankets," he kissed Alexis on the cheek before going to get things from the linen closet.
Castle got the pillows and blankets before going to change into his own pajamas. After the popcorn and chocolate were finished, Alexis placed them on a tray and brought them into the living room just as her dad and Kate came out of the living room in their pajamas. "I want to watch 'Heroes vs. Villains,'" Kate instructed as Castle found the requested DVD set and put the first disc in the player.
He then sat on the sofa with Kate curled up against his shoulder and Alexis on the floor in front of him. Castle didn't understand his girlfriend's love for 'Survivor,' but he was more than willing to indulge it, just like he did her love for 'Temptation Lane.' It showed other layers to her besides bad-ass cop. It didn't take long for Kate to move from his shoulder to his lap. He pulled the blanket over her as the three of them continued watching TV.
As the first disc came to an end, Alexis turned around from her spot on the floor, smiling at the sight of her father and Kate both sound asleep on the sofa. She placed the empty mugs and the popcorn bowl back on the tray, taking them back to the kitchen. She then came back into the living room and straightened the blanket over Kate before kissing her father on the cheek.
Castle woke up, smiling into his daughter's blue eyes. "Hey, pumpkin," he looked down at Kate. "The doctor said she'll spend a lot of time sleeping over the next few days."
"Dad, what happened?"
"I don't know all of it, sweetie. And as you know, Kate doesn't like to be fussed over."
"I just want to know that she's okay."
"Right now, she's fine," he glanced down at Kate.
"I've got some reading to do, so I'll be upstairs," she kissed him once again before going upstairs to her bedroom.
"Okay, pumpkin." After his daughter had gone upstairs, he looked down at the sleeping woman lying with her head in his lap. He thought back to the flashback that she'd had that morning in the hospital. A flashback that seemed to have been brought on by running water. When he'd put his hands on her shoulders to try to bring her back, she hadn't even been aware that he was there. He also found himself thinking about what she'd said the night before about Bracken. If the senator and man who'd ordered her mother's death was truly behind what had happened to her, she needed to bring Gates into the loop.
Kate was in a very small, very dark room. Her eyes refused to adjust to the gloom, but she could hear voices. At first, she didn't recognize the voices, but when she did, her blood ran cold. "Rich bitch from Uptown on safari in the Heights. Someone should've warned her not to feed or tease the animals. If they had, she might not have got eaten. From what I hear though, ha, she was pretty tasty."
"No, go away," Kate murmured in her sleep.
"Kate?"
"I know that your lungs are burning. I can feel the panic in your soul. All I want is for this to end. And I promise that I will end it."
"Fuck you!" Kate suddenly jumped off of the couch and ran toward Castle's office.
"Kate!" Castle ran after her and saw that she was trying to get into his safe where she kept her off duty weapon. "Kate, whoa! What're you doing?"
"Gun, I need my gun," she was busily trying to open the safe, her hands visibly shaking. "Why won't this damn thing open?"
This was bad, this was very bad. He'd never seen her this bad before. She was crying and shaking as she tried to open the safe. "Kate, come on. You need to wake up. Why do you need your gun?"
"I have to kill him, Castle," she turned toward him, her eyes wide and wild with panic. "If I kill him, then I won't hear his voice in my head anymore! Please give me my gun."
"No, Kate," he put his hands on her shoulders.
"Please, Castle," she pounded on his chest with her fists. "I have to kill him. I have to kill both of them. He killed my mother, Castle. Now he's going to try to kill me. I thought that we had a deal."
"Dad?" Castle turned to find Alexis standing in the office doorway.
"We're okay, Alexis."
"Do you want me to call Dr. Burke?"
"No, I've got things under control."
"Are you sure that there isn't anything that I can do?" Alexis was unsure. From what she was seeing, Kate was a wreck.
"Sweetie, please just let me take care of this," he implored her with his eyes as she reluctantly turned and left the room. He then turned his attention back to Kate. "Come on, Kate. Focus on me. Are you all right now?" He asked when her eyes finally seemed to look at him like she was actually seeing him.
"I want them to die, Castle," tears trickled down her face. He hadn't seen her look so sad, so defeated in a long time.
"Come here," he held out his arms, feeling her wrap her arms around him and press her face to his chest, her tears soaking his shirt. "Do you want to talk about what it is that you keep dreaming about?"
"I just keep hearing his voice," her voice was muffled against his chest. "The whole time that he was shoving my head under the water, he kept taunting me. He kept saying the most awful things about my mother."
"When are you going to talk to Gates?"
"About what?"
"Kate, you need to tell her about Bracken. She saw how he reacted last year when he didn't want you investigating the attempt on his life. Maybe it's time that you explained to her why he didn't want you as the detective of record."
"Castle . . . Rick," she pulled away, her eyes swollen and bloodshot, "I made a promise to Roy. If I tell her about Bracken, I have to tell her what Roy was mixed up in with Raglan and McCallister."
"Kate, he's dangerous. He's already getting away with one murder that we know about. He needs to be brought down. I loved Roy, too, but I also love you. And right now, you're my priority. Will you at least think about it?"
"I'll think about it," she agreed.
"Now, I don't know about you, but I'm starving. How about Thai food for dinner?" He looked at her as she nodded and smiled, raising up on her toes to kiss him.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"Just for being there. For talking me off of the cliff."
"Always," he kissed her, wiping her tears away with his thumbs.
"I think I'll go and see if Alexis is hungry," she suggested. "I want the usual."
Alexis was lying on her bed when she heard a light tap on her door. "Come in," she called out, sitting up on her bed when Kate walked in. "Kate, are you okay?" She asked as she wiped at her face.
"Alexis, what's wrong?" Kate came over and sat on the bed beside the young woman.
"I just want to help and I feel so helpless because I don't know what to do!"
"I know that you want to help when I . . . when I get like that, but the only person that can really help me in the way that I need is your dad. Knowing that you're concerned helps me more than you can ever know."
"I'm glad that you're okay. Gram texted me the night before last after dad had gone to the precinct. She said that he was so worried when he couldn't reach you. He knew that something was wrong."
"Your dad is kind of Jedi like that," Kate told her.
"Yeah, he is," Alexis chuckled in agreement.
"I came up here because your dad is going to order Thai food and I wanted to see if you were hungry."
"Starving!"
"Great, I'll go and let him know."
***CCC***
That night, Kate and Castle lay in bed side by side; her lying on her stomach and him lying on one side, his head propped on one elbow. She was tired, but she wasn't ready to go to sleep. One reason was fear of the nightmares that were sure to come and the second reason was lying beside her. She didn't want to stop looking at him, touching him, sharing soft, sweet kisses with him. She'd told him earlier that she wanted him, but they had both agreed to wait a day or two for that since she was still so incredibly sore. "Castle, tomorrow I want to take a shower, but the water—"
"It's okay. We'll tackle the water together. We'll have the loft to ourselves if things get too awful for you."
"I'm going to call Burke in the morning. I also want to talk to him about getting my Paxil prescription refilled," she was referring to the anti-depressants that she'd taken right after the Lee Travis case had ended. "While I hated taking them, they did help."
She reached her hand up to touch the corner of his mouth, smiling when he kissed her fingertips. "You need to sleep, Kate," his voice was a soft caress. "Close your eyes. I'll lay here until you're asleep."
An hour later, Kate was sound asleep, but Castle was still wide awake, his mind a mass of churning thoughts and emotions. He decided to get up and try to get some writing done. He walked into his office, poured himself two fingers of Scotch and booted up his laptop. He had just started writing when he heard the door of the loft open and close. Grabbing his drink, he walked into the living room as Martha was hanging up her coat. "Oh, hello darling," she closed the coat closet. "You're up late, I see."
"I could say the same thing," he smiled.
"Is Katherine asleep?"
"Yeah," he sighed as he sat on the sofa.
"What's going on?" She came over and sat down beside him.
"She's having a really rough time, mother. She's been up and down like a rollercoaster all day long. Earlier, she woke up from a flashback and wanted to get her gun so that she could go and kill Vulcan Simmons."
"Has she spoken to her therapist?"
"She's going to call him in the morning. I should've been there with her. She shouldn't have had to go through that alone," he wiped at his eyes.
"Richard, the important thing is that you're with her now when she really needs you. Think about it; before she had you, she would've been going through the aftermath of that awful experience alone."
"Just the thought of doing something as simple as taking a shower is terrifying to her."
"Have they found the men who did this to her?"
"Gates told us that she'd call us if they had anything. We haven't heard anything today, so my guess is no."
"You need to get back in there to her before she wakes up and discovers that you're gone," Martha told him.
"Goodnight, mother," he kissed her on the cheek before draining the rest of his drink and going back to the bedroom.
Kate stirred slightly and reached her hand out when she felt the bed dip under Castle's weight. "Castle?"
"Shh," he moved closer and wrapped his arms around her. "Go back to sleep."
"Love you," she rested her hand on his hip.
"I love you, too," he kissed her on the forehead before closing his eyes and letting sleep claim him.
A/N #3: I promise that Kate will return to her usual bad-ass self soon. But she isn't going to get over what happened to her just like that. It's going to be a process.
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