Chapter Two: What Cake? Part One

Warning: this oneshot contains much extreme OOCness, crack, and all around cake-related insanity. My stepbrother actually thought this up, so if you hate it, blame him. Not me. Read at your own risk.

Just kidding, I'm sure at least one of you will love it. But, if you do dislike it, I didn't think it up.

Colonel Roy Mustang was craving cake. He didn't know why, for he usually wasn't all that partial to the sweet treat, but for the sake of this story, he wanted cake.

Chocolate cake, to be exact. And lo and behold, there was a large square chocolate cake in the staff room's fridge.

"Ooh, lucky me!" he squealed girlishly, before pausing and wondering what unearthly power had possessed him to be as unmanly as he was for a second there. Shrugging it off, the colonel grabbed the cake and jumped up on the counter, removed the grate over the vent, and pulled himself up into the suprisingly large-enough space inside.

Once situated in a postion suitable for inching along the metal of the vent, he received a sudden urge to hum. Loudly.

Below, in the halls, Second Lieutenants Heymans Breda and Jean Havoc paused in their stroll back to their office from latrine break. Why they were both using the facilities at the same time, one can only guess. From the ceiling came the sound of humming.

"Can you hear that, Havoc," Breda asked, cocking his head so that one ear was closer to the source of the noise than the other.

"Yeah..." the smoker assured his companion of his sanity, confirming that he also had detected the sound in question. He snapped his fingers suddenly, realizing something. "IT'S FROM THAT MOVIE!"

"What movie?"

"YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE MISSION, BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE..."

"First of all: dude, stop yelling; I'm pretty sure Xing heard you."

Meanwhile, across the desert, past Xerxes, in Xing...

Ling Yao, prince and twelfth in line for the Xingese throne, could have sworn he heard a peculiar sound.

"...YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE MISSION, BUT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE..."

He tilted his head to the side... "Huh, strange wind." His stomach growled. "Oh, right. It's lunch time."

Beside him, Lan Fan barely held back a facepalm. "Young Lord, you just ate lunch, and you nearly ate the country out of house and home."

Back in Amestris, Mustang had shimmied his way through the vents and had finally arrived right above his inner office.

He removed the vent cover and dropped his legs down onto his desk, ripping and ruining his paperwork. But paperwork was the farthest thing from his mind. He had cake, and that was what was important.

He heard the doorknob turn, and heard First Lieutenant Hawkeye's voice say, "Sir, I was just checking to make sure that you were still doing your paper-what are you doing?"

The colonel, who still had his arms and head in the vent, very articulately said, "Uhhhhh... nothing?"

"Nevermind. Sir, I was just in the staff room, and it appears that my cake is missing."

"What cake? I know nothing about any cake, NO I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR CAKE! How dare you accuse me of such stupidity," Mustang said quickly, without making any thought about his response.

"I also spoke with Lieutenants Havoc and Breda, and they seem to recall seeing you in the staff room-"

"I was alone in the staff room. I mean, I wasn't in the staff room. Yeah, that's what I meant."

Hawkeye continued as though he had not interrupted. "-and they say you were climbing into the vent above the counter."

"I had made a short joke at the pipsqueak's expense, and was looking for a quick escape route. Fullmetal was punching at the reinforced windows, with that damned metal hand of his, which probably stunted his growth, and he cracked the glass, so I had to get the hell out of there."

At that moment, Edward Elric had stepped into the outer office, slovenly-written report in hand, and in a calm voice, much calmer than what would be expected, stated, "I am going to kill Colonel Bastard."

Fuery and Falman shuddered, and felt that the correct course of action for this development would be to huddle under Hawkeyes desk. Unfortunately, that hiding spot was occupied, by none other than Black Hayate, who gazed curiously at the two men as they tried to squeeze in along with the canine.

Out in the hallway, Breda and Havoc shuddered, and one could swear one could swear on their own life that a cold wind blew by, extinguishing Havoc's cigarette and leaving the men with the feeling that they should be anywhere but near the Colonel's office.

"Uh, hey, I think maybe we should head down to the mess hall. Just in case the colonel, you know, wants a taco or something," suggested Breda.

"Yup," Havoc agreed, and without another word, the lieutenants linked arms and skipped down the hall.

Back in the inner office, Mustang suddenly felt the urge to adjust the tuning on the radio, that happened to be playing Katy Perry's "Firework." Unconciously, he shuddered at the memory of all those faces laughing at his expense(1).

As he fiddled with it, a familiar steel arm burst through the wall, accompanied by a muffled shout of, "I will f*cking kill you, bastard!"

Mustang sighed, as though this was a regular occurence. "Fullmetal, I'm sorta talking to Hawkeye right now. I don't have time for you to try and strangle me. Again. For the third time today."

"Shut up!" The arm retreated, and apparently Ed tried once again to punch through the wall and grab the Colonel's throat. Unfortunately, he moved in the wrong direction.

And got Hawkeye instead.

To Be Continued...

(1) See chapter one.

I wonder how Hawkeye will react? Will Ed survive? Will Mustang correct his mistake or watch the potentially terrifying event unfold?

Well, what do you think? Say in your review. We just might surprise ya.