DISCLAIMER (before you continue)

Yes, this is fic is stupid, it actually started as a joke, it's neither meant to be a well-written fic, nor to be a cute Spirk love story (even though I'm trying, sometimes).

I didn't originally start writing this to post it publicly, this is why there might be some inside jokes and various inaccuracies.

I'm not an English native speaker at all (I am French), barely fluent in English, and the chapters are not proofread by anyone else than me. In consequence, there are probably mistakes and weird wordings, which I am sorry for.

The two-hour visit of the vessel felt to Spock like a journey through the nine circles of hell. At every floor, at every room, he thought the dysfunctions and overall disrespect of every one of Starfleet's directives couldn't get worse, yet it did in the next one. At every minute, he also thought James Kirk couldn't draw further away from his brink of tolerance of stupidity and lust, yet he did the next minute. Aside from his habit of patting everyone on ship on the shoulder, making ridiculous unfunny jokes about the names of the rooms and flirting with every crew member that remotely resembled a human female, he also constantly twiddled a weird red plastic object, with three small branches, that rotated very fast. Spock had to restrain himself from eyeing at it all the time. He also had to restrain himself from asking about it to the "captain" , because he hoped that if he just ignored it he would simply put it away at one point. Which he didn't, obviously.

Needless to say it was really hard for Spock to keep quiet and continue with the visit in the most casual way. His insides were boiling with rebukes. He only managed to hold back everything because he knew he could just spit it out to Dox later that day. Every single breach was filed in his mind; which meant that, at the end of the visit, his head would've had exploded if he had been a regular human. Luckily he was not, and managed at last to get to the commanding room looking relatively calm. There he met with the main crew, which did not pay much attention to him (after all, he was just a very plain and quiet human tech guy) but flooded Kirk with questions right away. They pretty much all seemed to really like the guy, whether or not they were humans, a fact that really blew Spock's mind (and that was really not an easy thing to do). But after a few thoughts, he figured there were two logical explanations for this : either they were all as ridiculous as him and therefore liked his sense of humor and shared his view of life, a possibility that felt very scary to him ; or he was manipulating them one way or the other. Then it struck him. The red thing. Was it having an hypnotizing effect on others that made them do whatever he wanted ? And maybe it just didn't work on Vulcans ?

"David" hadn't really said anything for two hours except "ok", sometimes, but mostly he just nodded. Therefore Kirk felt very surprised when he heard his voice behind his back while he was chatting with a man named Tchekhov, who was apparently his "main tech guy" but his position was not clear with the rules really like most people's on this vessel to be honest.

"What is that thing ?" he had said, in a very serious tone

"What thing ?" Kirk answered immediately, frowning at him, then looking at his hand "Oh, that ? You've never seen one of these ? It's called a fidger spinnet. It's an antique."

Chekov started laughing and shook his head looking at Spock. Kirk caught him and looked pissed. It suddenly felt like he was taking the subject very seriously, which to Spock was suspicious, but also strange since at this point he really didn't think the man was able to take anything seriously.

"My grandad gave it to me, ok ?"

Spock didn't really know what to think of all of this, but Tchekhov and the other crew members that were around started giggling more and more loudly. Kirk really didn't seem happy about it. It was quite problematic because it nullified Spock's second hypothesis, which meant the first one was most probably, and sadly, the truth. Nevertheless, it was the first moment he felt a glimpse of sympathy for Kirk, who was standing in the middle of everyone mocking his apparently very precious little object. This ended pretty fast when he commanded in a strong voice :

"STOP !"

He waited for silence for a moment, then proceeded.

"Starting now, if anyone makes any kind of remark about my fidger spinnet or my Shrek slippers or about any of my belongings, they will get fired when we return, and until then sent to the hold."

It was quite a sight : everyone quickly returned to their occupations as if the conversation never occurred, only slightly eyeing in Kirk's direction as if to check he wasn't that pissed. Even Tchekhov now looked deeply into his screen as if he wished to get swallowed by it. Spock thought that, at least, the "captain" had the authority to command. If only it was directed towards actual commandment…

As soon as Spock had closed the door of his room behind him, he rushed towards the first thing he found to sat on and proceeded to call Dox immediately. It was a bit early in the day, but considering the amount of things he had to report to him, it probably wouldn't be enough if they spent two full days in communication anyway.

"Agent Dox ?"

"How is it going, Spock ?"

"No time for chatting. Record everything. Multiple infractions of articles 455, 785 and 632 of the Starfleet Code. Major maintenance issues in areas 45-B, 89-XT and…"

A few moments later.

"Spock…"

"Code of Conduct for the Captain article 8 paragraphs 45 to 63 and 78 to 82, then Code of…"

"Spock !"

"What ?"

"I need to go, the office is closing. Get back to me tomorrow."

"Fine, fine…"

"Talk to you lat…"

"Wait, Dox ?"

"Yeah ?"

"I'm not going to survive for three weeks."

He just laughed and hung up as an answer.