Chapter Two: Overdue Visits
Lexa bowed her head slightly, almost imperceptibly, to the guards as she passed through the mesh gate into Gowma with two attendants. What was left of the army remained outside the village wall, already putting up tents and building cooking fires ready for dinner. Of the thousand warriors that had marched and then retreated from Mt Weather at Lexa's orders, only six hundred remained. Lexa had left one hundred and fifty behind to help Indra rebuild TonDC. Fifty of her fastest scouts she had sent across the Trigeda. They would spread word of victory and invite those with captured relatives to Polis, in the hopes of reuniting the prisoners with their families swiftly. Another two hundred, warriors from one of the other eleven clans, had started on their way back to their own territories. They'd be carrying news of the current truce with the Mountain Men. A truce that, if her scout was to be believed and Lexa was certain of his honesty, was now moot. Thanks to Clarke of the Sky People a truce no longer mattered, there weren't any Mountain Men left alive to worry about. Clarke. Lexa pushed the thought of the leader of the Sky people quickly from her mind. Being in Gowma was going to be painful enough, she didn't need anything else wearing at her stoic facade.
Gowma was a lively village that had benefited from it's proximity to Polis. It was situated on the most direct route between TonDC and the capital. It was a common stopping place for the grounder army whenever it found need to travel to other parts of the Trigeda. Lexa had been here many times in her four years as Commander. But she had remained resolutely outside of the village walls for the last two. To go in to the village was to invite in too many memories that needed to stay quashed. Costia was from Gowma. Costia had been the second to the village's blacksmith. Lexa made her way swiftly through the village to the meeting place in it's centre. She could hear a hammer hitting an anvil, no doubt forging a sword, emanating from the blacksmith's to her right. She refused to look, tightened her jaw and quickened her pace, quelling the burning curiosity to see if it was Costia's old master working the forge or perhaps a new second.
She'd broken her two year exile from the village because behind her, most walking but many being carried by warriors, were the eight hundred survivors from Mt Weather. Crowding them into the village was going to take a lot of planning and negotiating with residents. But after a week of sleeping in thin tents without enough blankets, the Commander wanted to secure more pleasant sleeping arrangements for those rescued. She'd been studying the survivors carefully over the course of the march. All of them were painfully thin, no doubt fed only enough to keep them alive long enough to be harvested. Lexa's blood boiled at the thought of what these people, her people, had been subjected to by the Mountain Men. It pained her to even try to guess how many thousands had already been lost before the rescue. But it was over now.
Lexa reached the meeting point. It was no more exciting than a clear area of dirt in the middle of the village, as gloomy as the rest of the village in the late morning drizzle. But it served its purpose. The eight hundred weary prisoners congregated behind their Commander as the whole village began to emerge and jostle for the best view of the meeting circle. The chatter among the residents of Gowma was deafening but the moment Lexa raised her palm into the air, the chatter fell silent. She regarded expectant eyes and prepared to speak. Before she could a loud wail emanated from somewhere in the crowd and a man rushed forward towards the rescued grounders.
"Rik!" the man exclaimed as he barrelled into the arms of one of the eight hundred. The man he had enveloped in a hug looked bewildered for only a second, before his face contorted into joy and he returned the hug.
"Mitchel," Rik said, "Ai houmon!" My husband. So this was the first of hopefully many happy reunions of a prisoner and a loved one. Lexa allowed herself a small smile and began to address her people in trigedasleng,
"People of Gowma," she began. Everyone was silent, "Behind me are eight hundred of our people. They have been rescued from Mt Weather."
Thunderous applause and cheering broke out at this news. Lexa allowed them to continue a while, letting the sounds of pure joy and victory wash over her, cleanse her. She breathed in,
"Our army was successful in its mission. After nearly one hundred years the Mountain Men will hunt us no more." Lexa decided not to elaborate on the precise fate of the mountain men until she had thought more of what Clarke's actions meant in the long run. "But whilst we celebrate this victory we must continue to band together. These people are starving, they are weak. After being rescued they faced a long march here and it is another day still to the capital. As your Commander, I could order you to take them in for a day and night and show them the hospitality they have been without. But I shouldn't have to. They are your people. So I stand here and ask you, people of Gowma, will you help them? "
Today didn't need a show of her strength Lexa thought, it required a direct appeal to the humanity of her people. A humanity that other groups had tried so hard to ignore but Lexa truly believed existed in great quantity. Grounders were harsh but they were not savages. Their Commander knew that they held the potential to become a largely peaceful people, bit by bit and under the right kind of guidance. Her gaze roamed over the silent crowd. Had she judged wrong? Would she need to issue a command after all?
"I can squeeze a dozen into my home if they don't mind getting cosy" came a lone reply. "They'll be fed a good dinner and I will keep a fire going when night falls to warm them."
Lexa pinpointed the source of the voice. When her eyes met those of the woman that had spoken, the Commander had to work hard not to let her mask slip. It was Pola, Costia's older sister. Thankfully, Lexa was saved from having to respond to the woman she hadn't seen in over two years by another voice, offering to take twenty grounders. This was followed by a cacophony of voices, all of them stepping up to offer their hospitality and a roof for the rescued grounders. Lexa silenced them again.
"The spirits of the woods will look favourably upon Gowma for your generosity. Please, everyone who is willing to take in survivors form a line starting here," she beckoned to a point just in front of her. People began to reorganise themselves. "You will all tell me how many people you can take. I will make sure that many people follow you to your home. Any that are left at the end will be given to a house at random until not a single one is left. Let us begin."
Lexa needn't have leftover survivors. The people of Gowma proved willing to fill their homes to bursting. By the end almost every resident had taken at least a few of the prisoners in. There were none left to take. The village healers, Adam and Bryke, had also agreed to make a call at every home to administer what aid they could to the weakest survivors. Lexa hoped that nearly all of them would be fit to walk to Polis tomorrow morning. After watching one prisoner be reunited with his husband, the Commander was eager to see similar scenes when they reached the capital.
She knew without doubt that she'd made the right decision when taking the deal with the Mountain Men. But even so, seeing the fruits of her labour would only help to ease her discontent at betraying the sky people, betraying Clarke. She had to halt her thoughts again and concentrated instead on watching the shepherding of prisoners to various buildings. Her eyes found the back of Pola's head as it disappeared into her home, a home that Lexa had dined and even slept in so many times in the past. Her feet started moving towards the familiar place even before her mind realised what she was doing.
She told herself she simply wanted to thank Pola for being the first to offer aid but she knew that really she was looking for a trusted confident. Just because she had thus far refused to dwell on Clarke didn't mean that all the woman had taught her over the past fortnight had gone to waste. Lexa clenched her jaw again, a tell that she was annoyed with herself. Perhaps she should have ordered the people of Gowma into helping after all. Even the most heartless of people would struggle not to feel a sentimentality at the scene that had just played out. For Lexa, who loathed to admit that she only appeared to be heartless, it had proven impossible not to feel an enormous sense of warmth for her people.
The door had closed before Lexa reached it, so she raised her hand and knocked.
"Aila, can you answer the door please?" come Pola's voice from inside and a second later, the door was opened by a girl of about twelve.
The girls eyes widened at the sight of Lexa standing there. Lexa reached forward and took the single braid in the girl's hair into her hand.
"I see you have become a second, Aila. I am proud." she said and this earned her a smile from Aila.
"Heda...Lexa, I haven't seen you in so long!" Without thought that her actions were in any way improper, the girl closed the distance between herself and her Commander and hugged Lexa tightly. Lexa's attendant's, who had followed her dutifully to the door, looked at Lexa in surprise, silently questioning what they should do.
"Relax and wait out here," Lexa ordered and she briefly returned the hug before asking, "Can you take me to your Mother, Aila?"
"Of course, come in," Aila bustled Lexa into the hall that ran the length of the corrugated iron house and closed the door, leaving the attendants to guard outside. "Mother is getting our guests comfortable, through here."
Aila led Lexa to the back of the house, where what had once been the living area now looked more like a triage with the dozen grounders each occupying a place on the floor. Pola was already busy handing out blankets to each one. She gave out the last blanket to the grounder closest to the doorway and then turned around.
"Lexa!" just like her daughter, Pola gave no thought to propriety and also came forward to hug Lexa as if she wasn't her leader. "It is good to see you, I thought you'd never step through our gate again."
"It isn't something I wanted to do," Lexa said as she hugged back and then quickly straightened up. She stood stiffly in a place that had once been like a home to her. "But for the sake of our people…"
"Of course. I am lucky that nobody I care about was taken to the Mountain. But it still means everything to know that my family will be safe in the future," Pola looked towards Aila when she said this. "So thank you Lexa. Thank you."
"I should be thanking you, Pola. If you hadn't of spoken up first I'm not sure anyone would have offered their help."
"Then you would have commanded us to give our aid."
"Yes. But I didn't want to have to."
Pola smiled, "You haven't changed, Lexa. That's good."
"I think I have, Pola. But recently things have happened…" Lexa trailed off, hesitant to reveal more.
"Is that why you have come to visit?" Pola asked, always perceptive.
Lexa nodded and bit her lip. Just being there made her feel as young as she actually was somehow, "Can I ask for your council, Pola? I need the opinion of someone I can trust. Someone who isn't a soldier and does not get their pleasure from war."
"Of course Lexa, you shouldn't have stayed away so long."
Pola led Lexa back to the front of the house to the only other room, leaving Aila to continue seeing to the survivors. They sat cross legged on the floor and Lexa began to speak. She told Pola everything she could; about the sky people, about the tenuous alliance of the clans. Also about what happened at the foot of Mount Weather and what Clarke had done to the people inside. The only thing she left out was her feelings for Clarke, but then she didn't need to. As soon as she stopped talking, Pola looked at her with a sad smile,
"You have feelings for this Clarke? That is why your decision at the mountain has weighed so heavily on you."
"Yes. I tried to keep my walls up. I know that I was only asking for both of us to get hurt but-"
"But you are a young woman with an awfully big heart, Lexa. Your warriors may see you as their ruthless Commander, but I know you. I watched you fall in love with my little sister and she with you."
"But then she was taken from us. And I had to grow up and accept that love is weakness, or risk losing my ability to lead."
"You tried to stop caring. You stopped coming to Gowma. I guess you have barely spoken about Costia since her funeral, if at all."
Lexa felt her eyes grow moist, but she steeled herself and refused to cry. She steeled herself. "That night, after we cremated Costia's head… Knowing that her spirit was lost-" she paused when her voice started to crack. The image of Costia's severed head lying on the ground for her to find had haunted her every day. The Trigedakru believed that separating the head from the body made it impossible for the spirit to survive to be born again. It was the ultimate form of cruelty. They'd even shaved her head so that Lexa could not take her braids as a keepsake. And now here she was, voicing these things aloud.
Once Lexa was sure she could keep her voice even again she continued, "I could not see a way to survive the pain." Lexa looked down at her hands and began to pick at the dirt in her nails, "Anya found me in my tent, I had cried myself dry. I was laying on the floor. She held me and rocked me like a child." The mention of Anya made it even harder to keep going. Lexa had barely had the opportunity to come to terms with the fact that the woman who had practically raised her was gone. "But I wasn't a child. I was the Commander. I pushed her away, asked her how to stop being weak. She told me that I would have to let the pain ease over time. But I didn't have that luxury. So she told me that the only other way was to stop feeling all together, to push it all to the back of my mind and lock it away. So that is what I did. So that I could lead my people." Her voice was a cold whisper, the same matter-of-fact tone she had used when she had opened up to Clarke about Costia. She didn't want anyone in the next room to hear this.
Pola regarded her for a while before she spoke again. "Being the Commander doesn't stop you from being human, Lexa. No matter how hard you try, eventually the walls that we all build around ourselves will prove to have a weak point and come crashing down around us. You fell in love again,"
"And now I have lost that too. If I hadn't of been weak, I would still be sleeping soundly. Not lying awake asking questions no Commander should ask. How can I trust myself to lead when the decision between my whole people and one woman was a difficult one? There are warriors who already question my abilities. Can I really say they are wrong in their doubts?"
"Of course you can, because you still made the right decision by your people. And if Clarke is half the leader you are, surely she will understand you and forgive you should your paths cross again. It was not dishonourable. I would never speak ill of our warriors, they protect us, but they also thrive in times of war. That is who they are. But people like me, ordinary people, only suffer. We see you as a leader who wants long term peace. You have a vision previous Commander's lacked. You never stopped caring at all, Lexa, you just started caring for your people as a whole at the sacrifice of your own happiness because circumstance asked that of you. But that doesn't mean that your role as Commander and your happiness as Lexa need always be at odds."
Lexa considered all that Pola had just said to her and right then and there, began the process of formulating her next move as Commander. "I need to make sure that the alliance of the twelve clans remains strong. And I must ensure the safety of the sky people in the future," she said aloud,
"There you see. What the Commander needs to do and what you want seem to be perfectly aligned. Don't be afraid to feel Lexa, it's why your people love you. Even if you think you appear uncaring, I promise you we see you as the opposite. Clarke obviously saw the same. Find her when you can and figure out a way to protect everything you hold dear. Show your true strength"
Lexa nodded. She did feel much better for talking to someone. It was like choosing to trust Clarke had burst a dam and the river that was Lexa's true self was once again discovering it's old unabated course. Of course the fallout was tumultuous, but hopefully it would eventually settle. Or Lexa would rebuild the walls again even stronger than before. But for now she would allow herself to test the water. She would use the brief stop in a familiar place to find out if Pola's advice to embrace both head and heart together was something that Lexa was strong enough to do.
"Mother?" came Aila's voice from the doorway, "The guests are all settled and mostly asleep. I should go to work before Shon misses me at the forge."
"Of course, thank you for helping Aila."
Aila smiled, nodded and left the house. Lexa turned her head back to Pola,
"She is the blacksmith's second?"
"She is. One day she'll be even better than her aunt was. I see you still carry the dagger Costia gave you."
Lexa gripped the dagger's exquisitely carved handle, "Always."
Pola raised her eyebrows and smirked as if this was further proof that Lexa had never truly forgotten how to feel. Lexa supposed it was.
"Thank you for Pola. I need some fresh air." Lexa said as she picked herself up off of the floor. Pola followed suit,
"Of course. You should go to the clearing, the children still play there. It will do you good to be surrounded by innocence after so many weeks of war. Keep reminding yourself of what you are fighting for, why your sacrifices matter."
Lexa moved out of the room and opened the front door, "A good idea, Pola. I will go there after I have eaten," Lexa stepped outside and made to leave,
"And Lexa," Pola called after her, "Don't leave it another two years until your next visit. We will always be family."
Lexa allowed herself a grin then and she did not worry about who saw it. Whether she found Clarke or not, the leader of the Sky people had had a permanent effect on Lexa. She would never have set foot inside the walls of Gowma today. She would never have asked for Pola's help and mended some important bridges, if not for trusting that Clarke's open compassion wasn't always without merit. The dam was indeed broken and Lexa needed to stay the new course or sink forever.