"You're goin' out tonight?" My little brother's eyes are still red from crying and I feel like a monster for wanting to leave.

But I need to get out of here. I'm going crazy. Too much has happened in the past week. I keep staring at the door, hoping my parents will walk in. Any minute now, I tell myself, before I remember that I'm twenty and too old for this pretend shit. Best leave that to Ponyboy.

"It's just for an hour or two." I try to keep my voice level, because Ponyboy is only thirteen and I don't want to scare him, but I want to start yelling. "I'll be back before you know it."

"We'll be fine, won't we Pony?" Soda asks, and I give him a grateful look when Ponyboy isn't looking.

"I just don't understand how he can leave," I hear Pony whine as Soda pulls him away from the bathroom and back out to watch God-knows-what on tv.

It hurts me, but not enough to stay.

I'm debating on cologne, the same cologne Dad used to wear, when Soda comes back to the bathroom."You'll be ok, won't you Dar?"

No cologne, I decide. I shove the bottle back into the medicine cabinet.

"I'll be fine." It comes out more gruffly than I intend. I know they're worried about me in a car so soon after mom and dad. Hell, I'm worried. But one more night… I just need one more night to feel like the guy I was a week ago. Just one more night.

xx

The party is full of people who want to offer condolences. I try to be polite, but I don't want to hear it. I just don't. I look around for Paul Holden or someone else I know, but the only person I see from the team is Frank Wallis, Tulsa University's new quarterback. The thought leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. He is the last person I want to see, even if he doesn't know it yet.

"Hey stranger," a voice says from behind me. "You made it."

I turn around and see Diana Hayes standing there, all long legs and long hair. She looks like she has had one too many, but she is at least someone I know and don't mind talking to. I force myself to smile. "Hey"

"I was this close to leaving, but I'm glad I didn't," she enthuses. "It's good to see you out and about, Darrel."

Darrel. The smile drops from my face. "Darry. Call me Darry, please."

She cocks her head to the side but doesn't ask any questions. "Alright, Darry. It's good to see you out and about."

"Yeah." I wipe my forehead wishing I'd thought to grab a beer or something on my way inside. Or wishing I hadn't bothered to show up at all. I wanted one more night to be Darrel Curtis, Tulsa University's hotshot quarterback, but I've already begun to think of myself as 'other'.

I don't belong here with these people. Not anymore.

And just as I'm feeling sorry for myself, goddam Frank Wallis comes strutting up. He puts an arm around Diana's waist and gives me a wink. I realize I was wrong- he already knows I'm out and he's in.

"Diana, have you heard the good news?"

Diana pushes his arm off of her and scoots closer to me. "What are you talking about, Frank?"

"I'm the new quarterback. Curtis here is out."

Diana looks at me, astonished. I'm trying to keep my face blank, but whatever she sees there confirms it for her. "That's a pity," she says coolly, tossing her long hair behind her shoulder. "We were getting so used to winning."

"You're a real bitch, Diana," Frank snaps. "No wonder Holden left you."

"I'll give you three seconds to go away, Frank," I warn him, crossing my arms. It's only fair to give him a warning, but really I want him to mouth off some more so I have an excuse to pound him into the ground. It would feel so good to do something with all this anger.

But Frank slinks away like the coward he is, and I uncross my arms. I'm clenching my fists, wondering if I can sink them into someone else, when I remember Diana is still next to me.

"You ok?" I ask.

She nods, but she won't look at me.

I swear under my breath and run my hands through my hair. "You want to get out of here?" I ask.

She looks up, smiling at me. "More than anything."

xx

We drive out to a nearby park, even though it is supposed to be closed after sunset. The police have other things to do in this town other than patrol playgrounds in this upscale neighborhood. I know it will be quiet this time of night.

"You know," Diana drawls as we pull into a parking spot. "I usually don't come here with guys until after they buy me dinner."

I feel my face burning. "Glory, Diana. That isn't why I brought you here! I just thought it would be somewhere quiet-"

"It's ok," she says with a little laugh. "I know you don't have designs on my virtue."

"Designs on your virtue?" I echo. "You've gotta stop readin' those romance novels, Di. They're rottin' your brain."

She laughs again, but then her smile falls and she reaches a hand out for me. I prepare myself for the dreaded 'how are you doing?' that everyone asks me, but she surprises me by asking, "How are your brothers?"

I shrug. "Devastated."

"What's going to happen to them?"

I exhale. "I'm going to take care of them. It's what my parents would have wanted. Do you want to get out and walk around?"

"Alright," she agrees. And we hop out of my truck and make a stroll around the fountain, the swings, and down to the artificial lake. Diana grabs my arm to steady herself, and I feel like an idiot. Of course she is just doing this to humor me. She isn't dressed at all for being outside.

"We can get back in the car if you'd like," I offer.

"No, it's fine." She kicks off her heels. "At least there isn't any snow on the ground."

We stand there staring out at the lake for a few minutes. She is being real quiet tonight, which is nice. Diana can talk a lot. I don't mind that usually, but her silence saves me the trouble of pretending to listen.

"I'm dropping out." I say it before I can really think about it.

"I'm sorry." Her voice is soft and she reaches out to take my hand. "So you can take care of your brothers?"

I grit my teeth. It's the right thing to do, I know it, but it still hurts. I've worked so hard to get to this point. To leave it all behind is damned painful. "Yeah," I manage to say. Dammit, I can't cry. I settle for picking up a rock and throwing it as hard as I can into the lake.

"I was so worried." She sounds a bit uncertain, like she is afraid of how I'll respond to what she has to say. "I've heard so much about those boys' homes from my dad. You wouldn't want your brothers there."

Her father is some sort of lawyer for the state, I remember. I guess he might know about those sorts of things. She is right, I don't want my brothers there. It might not bother Sodapop that much, but it would destroy Ponyboy. Pony is only thirteen, and he is so smart they're moving him up a year next year. He has a real shot at making it out of our neighborhood, a real chance to better himself. If he went to one of those homes… it would ruin him.

The wind blows cold off the lake, and I feel Diana shiver beside me. She has a coat on, but her dress is short and I figure she must be freezing. I could take her back to the car now, but instead I put an arm around her and draw her close.

"Darry," she begins, again with that timid little voice that sounds so unfamiliar coming from her. "I am sorry about your parents. They were always so nice to me. I remember after I quit cheerleading I would sit with them and watch your games. Your dad especially was so proud of you-"

I'm not ready to talk about my parents. Not with her, not with anyone. I want her to stop talking. I need her to stop talking.

And so I kiss her.

I only have a minute to panic and wonder what the hell I'm doing before I lose myself in her. She is soft, and warm, and for a minute everything stops hurting.

It feels good, even if it doesn't feel right.

That's enough for now.