We both smile and I see in her eyes a deeper thought, but I can't read it. She slowly stretches, gets up and puts on her robe. Then she turns to me, one hand stretched out. "Come on, Katniss. We need to get back before they send a search party for us." I grab her hand and stand up, pulling on my shirt, when I feel her hands on my back again helping me straighten my clothes. She's not smiling but I can tell she's happy and I'm glad because I'm feeling happier than I have since I found out I was coming back here. "There. All ready to go!" She holds my head in her hands and kisses me softly on the lips and whispers softly "this won't end here, not today."
"Really?" I hate sounding so childish, but there it is. My fear of losing something before it could even begin. She rests her forehead on mine and closes her eyes but she's still holding me close. She sighs one of those long drawn out sighs to shake off your worries.
"Really. I meant what I said last night, Katniss. I'm not letting you die." I grab her chin and make her look up to me. I find it endearing that she has to almost stand on her toes to be eye to eye with me.
"We'll figure it out, even if we can't openly discuss it here." I want to tell her to trust me. But it sounds unnecessary. I just know she does. I don't know how and I can't explain it, but I do too. Even though after everything we have gone through I'm still not sure how much I trust Peeta or Haymitch, I know I trust Johanna. A part of me fears that this was all a ploy to make me lower my defenses and let her kill me as soon as the Games start, but that voice fades away when I look in her eyes. This isn't the same girl I watched mercilessly butcher other Tributes during her Games, or even the same one who walked into the elevator last night. This is the private Johanna. The one she is before the day begins, before she puts on her mask and her armor, and walks out in the world. And I know I'm being that, too. I'm not guarding myself from her because I don't need to.
We look at each other for what feels like hours, just saying things with our eyes and our arms around each other, lazy hands caressing now familiar skin. Suddenly she pulls me close and hugs me, then lets me go with a swift kiss. "Time to get back to the world, Girl on Fire. Even if it sucks." And with that, she walks away from me and back in the building. I run my fingers through my hair to shake up the mental fog she left me in and something falls to the floor with a soft metallic clang. I look down and see a pale green ring and pick it up. It's an ornate tree design that is a little small for my fingers, and I realize it's Johanna's. I don't know if it accidentally got tangled in my hair or if she left it there but either way I put it in my pocket and decide to keep it with me as a reminder of what we felt and said here.
On my way down the elevator I try to put on a neutral face for when I see Peeta and Haymitch. I don't want them to think something happened because I don't want to tell them. This is something that I want to keep to myself. Not because I'm ashamed, but because it's special and I don't want to spoil it. Luckily, I don't see anyone on the way to my room, so I quickly take a shower before breakfast. I realize we made it back just before everyone awoke, which is very lucky. I find myself so distracted in the shower that I wash my hair twice. I can't help thinking about Johanna and if she's right now taking a shower, too. I'm mentally trying to see her in what I assume is practically the same shower I'm in right now, with water pouring down on her, washing away my scent and my touch. Dented. That's the word I conjured up yesterday to describe her body, and I think it fits her. It makes sense that District 7 is lumber, because in a way her body is a tree. That outside bark is marked from all the pain and hurt of her Games, but underneath, her core is still intact. And every scar and cut and bruise makes her different, unique. Some are deeper than others, some have probably faded with time but I know they all hurt. I have some too, and I wonder if she saw them, if she found that patch of skin behind my ear that's thinner than the rest from the blast that left me deaf from one ear. These are things I guess I'll have to keep inside until a much later time, when all this mess is behind us and we can finally let go of everything else. But will that time come? I don't know. It seems impossible. But then again, last year I thought it would be impossible for both Peeta and I to survive the Games and we did. Even though it made our lives harder than if only one of us had survived. Still, I don't regret it because it made me be here and meet Johanna.
At breakfast everyone is relatively quiet, even Effie. Today is the first day of training, but I don't know what I'm going to do there, because it's not like last year where no one knew each other's abilities. Haymitch just says that we should brush up on survival skills and maybe see if we find any tributes we get along with. I manage to hide my smile and just nod in agreement. I know I have to be careful when I see Johanna today and not run to her and act like we are anything other than strangers.
On the way down to the training center I try to take calming breaths to prepare myself. It's not just the fact that she'll be there, but all the other victors as well. I don't know what to expect from it, and I don't know if I should bother talking to some of them because it will make it even harder if it came down to killing them to save myself. No, to save us. Johanna and I. What about Peeta? You would kill him too? Damn. No, I wouldn't. But saving three of us sounds even more impossible than two. Then again, Peeta is trying to save me too, I know it. So, what? I'm going to let him die? No. I know it's going to be the most difficult thing in the world, but Peeta is part of my life whether I like it or not. He's my friend and I owe him that at least. I turn to see him deep in thought and he catches my eye and nervously smiles. I smile back as best as I can with all these thoughts running through my head and before I know it, the elevator doors slide open and we're greeted by a host of sounds: grunts, metal on metal clinks, electronic beeping and laughter. That last one baffles me. I've never heard laughter here. But of course, these victors know each other, so I see Districts 1 and 2 in a corner having a conversation and thoroughly ignoring the camouflage station directly in front of them. Then I turn left and there she is just hacking her axe at a dummy. Everything I've been practicing goes out the window and I just stare at her. There's an intensity in her eyes that could set someone on fire. While I'm watching her, Peeta grabs my arm and steers me towards the snares and traps, where two victors are making something. I can't even concentrate on where we're going because I can see Johanna from the corner of my eye and I wonder if she saw me and is better at keeping her cool than I am. She probably is.
The morning goes by in a blur, I meet some victors who show me pretty cool things, that Finnick gets on my nerves a few times but I manage to let it slide and all the while I am actively trying to both avoid Johanna and get close to her. It's mentally exhausting. Finally we have a break to eat lunch and when I sit, I see her coming towards me. I'm glad Peeta is concentrating on his food in front of me, because if he saw my face right now he'd be worried I've had a stroke. I try to put on a neutral expression while I play with a piece of bread in my hands. Johanna doesn't take her eyes off me as she sits on the next table directly facing me. I see a smile and a twinkle in her eyes, her way of saying hi to me. I think I'm blushing but I hope I'm not. That would be too embarrassing. I reach down and pull her ring out of my pocket. I casually put it on my pinky, and flash it her way, so she knows I have it. Her eyebrows shoot up in surprise, and her mouth curls up one side. I take the ring off and put it back in my pocket before someone else sees it. It just occurred to me that it would be really hard to explain why I have a token from another district without revealing who gave it to me. But my moment of carelessness is worth it, because what just passed between us without the people around us knowing is more exciting than anything that I've ever felt with either Gale or Peeta. It's an anticipation of things to come, a physical reminder of our emotions. And even though I can't openly go and sit next to her, I feel like I am there. In four days we'll be in an unknown Arena trying to survive, and then we'll see if this was all just illusion or something real, something deep. Somehow, I'm not worried.