The aftermath, Patsy being alone with her thoughts.
Shortly after my realization, I left her so abruptly. I just had to be alone. I can't even remember what lame excuse I used. It's just that I couldn't let her see, not like this. She always, always could look me right in the eyes and see if something was bothering me.
As soon I entered my room, everything began spinning, the room, the walls, my thoughts, everything. I didn't even know I had reached my bed, until I fell hard on it. I was numb, completely numb. It was like out of nowhere I couldn't think straight, I just couldn't function. But then I snapped out of it, everything came swirling around, a sea of every sort of thoughts. A hurricane of feelings.
I like... I, Patience Mount, like someone. I like her. I like Delia Busby. It Can't be true. No, there's not even a chance of it.
Who was I kidding? This, these things that I was feeling, were exactly what everyone talked about when they fancied someone. Oh God. No.
I was a complete mess. Too much, too soon. I wasn't prepared to have such revelations. I couldn't even breathe. I was in the middle of a panic attack. I grabbed the sheets, anything nearby. Anything I could hold on to have control back. After some time, I regained my breath and calmed myself down, as much as I could, given the circumstances.
This never happened to me. To think of someone in this way, like this. I never thought I had it en me, I never thought I was able to. I never thought someone could be so beautiful, so caring, so funny, so intelligent, and so sensible. God. Now there is no turning back. I admitted it.
I am completely smitten by her.
But then came the worse. For the second time that night, I had realized something. Delia was a woman. A woman, not a man. She could never know about my feelings. Nobody could. She could never understand. She won't be able to bear it. I could ruin her carrier. The last thing that I wanted was to hurt her. I didn't care about me. I have suffered already; somehow I went through that, I was going to go through this. But she could never know. Never.
What do I do now? Stop talking to her? Pretend like this never happened? After some minutes or maybe even hours, I came to a decision. I had to pretend. I was good at that. Delia Busby was the most important person in my life, my best friend after all. She made my life easier. The thing I value the most is our friendship. I couldn't lose that, couldn't lose her.
My decision was made. Even if it was going to hurt, I wanted Delia to be part of my life.
After that, I couldn't sleep. I felt numb again and everything, all at ones.