pt. 2

The shy morning sun coming from the window woke me up. I sat on the bed, looking around. I wasn't in my room. I tried remembering what had happened, and then flashes of the last night came to me.

It must be the Captain's room then. He should have woken me up when we arrived, I thought to myself, and then, when I went to get up, I saw a bandage on my right foot. I touch it, and then got up, carefully. It seemed pretty better than last night. I was able to walk properly, without limp.

In my attempt to sneak out quietly, I was caught.

— Yina, how's your foot? — the captain was coming from the opposite direction and caught me off guard.

— It's pretty much better, captain. — after a good night of sleep I came back to my senses. And I felt ashamed by my behaviour on the previous night — Thank you for your concern.

I intend to keep going my way, but he grabbed my wrist.

— I didn't get the opportunity to say this last night, but I'm sorry I was unable to convince Erwin to stay. — his gloomy expression made me realize that his sorrow wasn't only towards me, that apology was meant for himself as well.

— It's not your fault, captain. We both know our commander, as well as his temper. Let's just hope for the best… Is all we can do right now, isn't it? — I tried to give him an encouraging smile, but as that wasn't my thing either.

— Go easy on your leg — he said right before start to leave.

After that, we both went our ways.

We had only one day until the departure to Shiganshina, there was no more time to lose.

During that day, I did everything I had to do while trying to not run into Erwin. I could be back to myself, but I still was afraid to what I might do if I saw him.

However, squad leader Hange strictly told me to go ask Erwin permission about something regarding the expedition supplies. Right when I thought my day was passing by without any further trouble.

I would simply get in, ask him to sign the paper and get out. No need to overthink it.

I knocked at his office door and went in.

— Commander Erwin, squad leader Hange asked for permission regarding the expedition supplies. — I walked until his table and handed the papers.

He looked throughout, signed and handed me back.

— Permission to leave, sir.

— Only after you tell me what have you done to your leg.

That was Erwin. His damn eager eyes. No one else had noticed and I had been walking from one side to another all day. I was actually so busy that I even end up forgetting about it.

— Sir? — I tried to throw the oblivious card.

— Come on Yina, you really think that after 8 years I wouldn't notice when you act differently than usual? You're walking slower than usual, and you're sweating.

I put my hand on my forehead. He was right, he was always right. I sighed and end up letting my guard down.

— You're right, commander. I hurt my leg yesterday. And well, I must be sweating because I didn't take a break ever since I woke up.

I let my feelings speak, and that was no good, not when it came to Erwin. However, he didn't say anything, instead he got up from his chair and walked towards me.

— Now, you seat down, let me see your wound.

I couldn't argue with him. I simply did what he told me to.

He took off my right boot and saw my ankle. It was pretty bad compared to how it was in the morning. He looked at it and then sighed.

— You shouldn't be forcing yourself like this.

Yeah, tell me 'bout it! it's what I wanted to tell him, yet, I remained silent. He looked at me.

— Leave Hange's papers to me. You better go rest. I'll release you from the expedition, so you can recover properly.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I stood up, barefoot and looked at Erwin with fire in my eyes.

— Are you freaking kidding me, right, commander? How dare you say to me to stay behind because of a damn twist when all of my fellow are going and most of them will probably die? How dare you tell me that, when YOU are going despite your current condition? — I didn't mind receiving a penalty for my behaviour, I just needed to take that out of my chest.

I don't remember ever feeling like this. I was being consumed by my rage, and I could no longer stand still. It was time to Erwin to listen to me, for once.

— I am just one soldier amongst hundreds. But you, commander, are our hope, how can you neglect yourself so much? Why do you have to take so many risks? You know there're a lot of us who don't agree with you going, yet you ignore our opinions and keep acting selfishly! — the tears were so intensely falling that I had to stop so I could breathe.

I hid my face in my hands and started sobbing. I felt Erwin's hand on my shoulder. I slowly lifted my eyes.

— You're right, Yina. I'm one selfish bastard. But it's not like you didn't know that already. — I couldn't understand why he always had to play the bad guy — I don't need you to worry about me. — bastard — And you're right, I can't give you any special treatment just because we know each other for so long. I need you in the front line with me. Even if it means we'll both die.

I felt all my strength leaving me. How could he say those words to me? I cared for the life of a man who didn't mind dying. I was really an idiot.

— Good to know how little you mind about yourself, and about the ones who care about you. No need to worry, commander, I won't spend any more tears for someone who only care about achieving something. — I took my boot as well as Hange's papers, and start to leave the room. When I was close to the door, I turned around — I'll be waiting for my punishment for disregarding our almighty commander.

I walked without stop until I get to Hange's office. Some people were looking at me, since I was with an injured ankle and was walking with only one boot, but I didn't give a crap.

— Squad leader, here's the signature you ordered.

Me and Hange weren't exactly close, but since we also knew each other for quite a long time, we could read the other one pretty easily.

— What did Erwin did? — she started, not looking directly at me as she was dealing with some weird device of hers.

— He's being Erwin. And it's pissing me off. — I sat by her side and finally put on my boot.

— Is that why you're walking barefoot? — as usual of Hange, she didn't took me seriously.

— You can say so… Need me to do anything else? — I had no interest on keeping that kind of talking at the moment.

— Not really. — her eyes were still on her contraption.

— Ok then, I'll get going. — I stood up and were about to leave the room.

— Yina, try to have faith in Erwin. I know he's hard to deal with, but he's not a bad person. He's a little twisted, that's all. But well, would any of us be here if we were normal?

I didn't replied. I actually wanted to be pissed off. It made it easier.

And like that, the day ended.