Like a Flame
Chapter 2: Self-Doubt

There was barely any light in the room I was sitting. The curtains over the windows were closed. I don't remember why he wouldn't allow the daylight to flood the room, but this somewhat gloomy environment fitted my current state of mind a lot better anyway, so I didn't complain. Not that I would have complained either way.
I was sitting on his bed. Even thought he had told me to lie down and take a rest, I didn't. The thoughts just got worse when I tried to sleep. They came like a punishment for me trying to suppress it all, even if it was just for an hour or so. But the memories were still too fresh and there where so many things I had to go through again and again in my head. It made me remember how you've always told me I was thinking too much before acting. But there were all those things that could have turned out differently. I tried telling myself I really did everything that was in my power. But maybe, if I had risked my own life just a little bit more, I could have saved them.
I know pops was willing to die that day. He told me about his plan beforehand and I had no right to speak against it. But even though I knew what might happen that didn't mean I couldn't have changed it or that I had to accept it without trying to prevent it. And even then I might have still been able to save Ace. I should have held back his brother, protected him in Ace's stead. I should have prevented Ace from going after Akainu. But I had been careless. I had let them hinder me. What if that had never happened? If I had never been restricted by those damn sea stone handcuffs? Maybe then I could have... Maybe then the events that day would have turned out differently and you would still be alive...

There was a rustling noise coming from the opposite side of the room, where a huge wooden desk was illuminated by a single candle that had been burning for hours and was now close to dying out. I looked up slowly, the candlelight reflecting in my eyes. It's a dying flame, just like Ace. And soon it would be gone like he was already gone. He had really been just a small spark in my life, but yet had left such an impression on me. He appeared so suddenly and as unexpected as he had appeared he had also left again. Leaving me behind with all these feelings I could barely manage to keep inside and suppressed. Why did it have to be him to leave such an impression on me, when I had been so sure no one would be able to touch my feelings in such way ever again?

The man sitting behind the desk had turned around to face me. The light of the candle was playing in the reflection of his red hair, making it look like it was made of fire. And again the image of that young, black-haired man flared up before my inner eye. How long will it take me to stop associating everything that happens and that I see with you? How long will it take for the memories of you to stop tormenting me so much?
I try rubbing my eyes to blur the image of his face. How can it be so hard to get rid of a single thought? I had to concentrate. Somehow get on with things. We couldn't stay like this forever. I couldn't. And I knew Shank's generosity would only go so far. For now we might be allowed to stay on his ship, but soon enough we would either have to leave or join his crew. But that would definitely be a betrayal of our father's legacy. That's something I couldn't do. We would have to get back to the way we were and honor what's left of the Whitebeard Pirates eventually. And we would have to do it before our members got used to being part of Red Hair's ship, before I lose any of them.

Shank's eyes were resting on me. His gaze was so intense I was barely able to keep my head up to face him. I wonder what I felt so ashamed for. I'm sure there were perfectly normal things he would have liked to discuss with me. Like what we were going to do, where we were headed. Maybe tell me who he wanted me to meet. So, why did I feel like whatever he was going to say would be painful and specifically something I really did not want to hear nor talk about?

And why do I always have to be right about these things?

He lowered his head and supported it with his hand. Narrowing his eyes he looked at me in a nearly curious way. "Tell me, Marco." Was that my heart suddenly beating faster and so unbearably loud? Fearfully anticipating what he was about to ask, because there were so many things inside of me I really did not want anyone to find out about? There were so many selfish, dark thoughts.
"Why have you been staying locked up in here? I told you to rest, but you wouldn't. So why didn't you go talk to your people, I'm sure they'd need it." Silence followed. I swallowed hard.
How could I possibly face them, talk to them even? How could I have possible given them the comfort they need? Wouldn't it sound like a lie coming from me? Marco the Phoenix. Marco: the person who can't die. How could I possibly fear death? And yet it's death I fear the most. They shouldn't have died. I should have protected them, died instead if that had been what it needed.
I don't know what to tell those that remain, because I don't even know what to tell myself. I want to take the blame, but I know I can't in front of everyone, because it would sound so foolish. I want to tell them how sad this all is and how it shouldn't have happened, but I'd feel so hypocritical doing that. I wish I could tell them that it wasn't all for nothing and that there's a bright future still waiting for us.
But I can't. Because there isn't. There probably just isn't.
And if I went out there now, they would really expect me to say something, wouldn't they? But there is nothing I can say. I feel so weak right now. So powerless.

"Marco." It's like you were trying to wake me up from all my thoughts, but I just couldn't answer. I hoped you would understand how I was feeling and leave it at that. But things are never that easy. "What troubles you so much? That they died? Or that you will someday be the last one to be alive?" My heart felt like it froze for a moment the very second you uttered that question. It felt like I had been caught doing something I shouldn't be doing. All that selfishness no one was ever meant to learn about, how did you manage to discover it so easily?
I drop my head onto my hands. The tears reappeared, but I tried hiding them as best as I could. Somehow my thoughts were racing. I need to focus, think this through. Surely it's not that. It's not. I will not allow myself to think in that way.
In the end I said the first thing that came to my mind without actually planning to say it. But as the words are spoken I feel that that was the whole truth I'd been hiding. "I just wanted to protect them." I just wanted to save them. I just wanted to return with everyone. I didn't want to be left all alone on that battlefield with everyone around me dead. I wanted to take them back with me. "My abilities are so useless..." My voice was so weak I was wondering if he could even hear what I was saying and if he did I wondered if he would understand it.
I didn't care about myself so much, but being left alone was the last thing I wanted. It's so selfish to think this way, so shameful. It's not like I wanted to die with them. I just wanted no one else to die either. I wanted to protect everyone, but yet I was too weak to achieve anything at all. Why was I given such a power if it didn't help me protect what's most important to me?
That's why I hated it. I hated being the phoenix. I hated being the one who couldn't die or even take damage.

"There might be something we can do about that though." He said and I look up, surprised. "I don't think your abilities are all that useless, but we'll see." With those words he turned around and continued working on whatever he had been working on before. Leaving me waiting for an explanation of what he had just said in vain.
But what I wondered about the most was that he did not inquire further. It's like he already knew how things were even before asking any question at all. I wondered if I was really so easy to read, or if that was just the way he was.

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Here's a friendly warning that this fanfiction is going to be sad like that in basically every chapter. So if all this depressive writing ruins your nice days, you should look for a different story I guess.
This is also more or less the first time I wrote something in a first-person perspective, so I'm sorry if it turns out to be kind of... bad.

I'm also aware the whole 'not able to die' is a little exaggerated. I'm aware he does take damage and stuff, but that's just the way he's thinking about it here.

Alsoo, thanks for the reviews! I really appreciate it ^_^. I'm so happy people liked the beginning of the story, hopefully it wont disappoint you OTL.