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Romeo & Juliet

Act 2

Scene 1

Chorus

Previously on 'Romeo the Idiot and Juliet his Unfortunate Beloved'= Romeo is still madly in love with Mercutio but he'll settle for a bit of action with Juliet cos she's kinda manly looking and is depressed and lonely enough to not want to blow her brains out every time she sees him. Ahh, the magic of young love………

Enter Romeo alone.

ROMEO; Where's Mercutio? I'm so gonna rub it in his face that I kissed a girl.

Romeo, to the horror of the author and Katy Perry, starts to sing;

ROMEO; I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her Mercutio-like moustache…

Enter Benvolio and Mercutio. Romeo withdraws and thankfully shuts up.

ROMEO; Ha! I'll jump out and scare them when they're not expecting it!

Because Romeo has the mental capacity of a brain damaged goldfish.

BENVOLIO; Romeo! My cousin Romeo! Romeo!

ROMEO! Ha, that's me!

MERCUTIO; So anyway, I was screwing this girl over there under the balcony…

BENVOLIO; Now is not the time to remind the audience of how sexy and gorgeous and not-Romeo you are! We have to find Romeo!

MERCUTIO; Who really gives a shit?

ROMEO; He…he had sex with a girl? How could he?

MERCUTIO;-and my underpants are still over there.

BENVOLIO; Mercutio! Call to Romeo!

MERCUTIO; Fine. Hey dipshit!

ROMEO; He does still love me! He's using his pet name for me!

MERCUTIO;- I conjure thee by Rosaline's bright eyes, by her high forehead and her scarlet lip-

ROMEO; Who's Rosaline?

MERCUTIO; He's not coming out. Let's go home.

BENVOLIO; Fine. Can we beat one of the maids when we get back?

MERCUTIO; What?! No! Seriously man, what the fuck? You hate anything to do with violence.

BENVOLIO; Yeah, but women usually just lie there and take it so technically it's not even violence.

MERCUTIO; WHAT THE FUCK?

Scene 2

Romeo goes to Juliet's balcony looking for Mercutio's underwear.

ROMEO; Lucky bitch, got to have sex with Mercutio…..

He stops searching as he notices a strong light from above.

ROMEO; Ow! My eyes!!! They burn. What light through wonder window breaks? It is the East and Juliet is the burning sun! O arise vile sun, so that I might kill thee! It is my lady! See how she leans her cheek upon her hand! Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might slap that cheek! That I might wring that neck!

He realises how aggressive he sounds.

ROMEO; Wow, Benvolio's hatred of women is really rubbing off on me…

Juliet pukes out of her window, avoiding Romeo by mere inches.

ROMEO; Ewwww…….

JULIET(drunkenly); O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

ROMEO; Uh, I'm right here.

JULIET; Oh! You came to confess your love for me!

ROMEO; Well, I actually came to search for my sexy friends underwear. Did you happen to see them?

Juliet rummages in her room and after a few random objects-including a banana, a brick and a trampoline- hit Romeo in the face, she emerges with Mercutio's glorious red, stripy underwear.

ROMEO; Ooooh! Give them here!

JULIET; You're gonna have to make it worth my while….

ROMEO; I'll kiss you again!

JULIET; You'll have to do better than that….

ROMEO; Wanna get married tomorrow?

JULIET; You betcha!

She throws the underwear down to Romeo.

BOTH; YAY!!!

Scene 3

Friar Lawrence is in search of medicinal herbs, meaning he's preparing to get stoned on the junk he's growing in the confessional.

Enter Romeo.

ROMEO; Hey Friar, wasssuuuup yo?

FRIAR LAWRENCE; It's very early. You haven't been in bed! Did you spend the night with Rosaline? No, no one would hate themselves enough to let this imbecile touch them…

ROMEO; Hey! I'm standing right here! And who's this Rosaline that people keep mentioning?

FRIAR LAWRENCE; The girl you were in love with!

ROMEO; Oh right, that was an elaborate lie, so people wouldn't suspect that I was gay. It worked well!

FRIAR LAWRENCE; My son, the only person who doesn't know your orientation is the deaf, dumb and blind nun from the far side of Verona.

DEAF, DUMB AND BLIND NUN; No I know.

FRIAR LAWRENCE; What is it you want O Annoying One?

ROMEO; Well, I wanna marry this other girl.

He tells the full story. Friar Lawrence is gob smacked.

FRIAR LAWRENCE; So, let me get this straight…. You kissed a bi-polar man-girl child who just happens to be your enemy at a masquerade ball you gatecrashed to make your best friend jealous. In exchange for this friends underwear, you have decided to take this pitiful and pathetic girl as your bride, knowing that this can only end in tears?

ROMEO; Yep, that's about it. I regret nothing, Mercutio's underwear is worth a lifetime of misery with Judith. Hey! Maybe I could get her to wear them on our wedding night!

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Just wanted to make sure I had all the details. Fine I'll help, but only because your warring families need to be reunited.

ROMEO; Thanks Friar!

He gives him a giant hug.

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Get the fuck out of my sight.

Scene 4

MERCUTIO; Where is Romeo? He's usually at my door at 5.a.m. begging for mercy as I throw hot marbles at him. Rosaline must be amazing in bed to hold his attention…..

BENVOLIO; I hear Tybalt sent Romeo a letter, demanding him to duel against him.

MERCUTIO; Well, we may as well start digging Romeo's grave now, I mean he couldn't beat Tybalt if he was given a loaded gun and had it raised to his temple.

BENVOLIO; Why, what's so great about Tybalt?

MERCUTIO; He's the King of Cats, the courageous captain of compliments, a gentleman of the very first cause-

Enter Romeo

BENVOLIO; Here comes Romeo, here comes Romeo!

MERCUTIO; Thanks a lot Benvolio, now we can't hide because you've given away our location.

BENVOLIO; Don't try to fool me Mercutio, like it or not you missed Romeo last night.

MERCUTIO; Pfff! I did NOT miss that gender confused fruit cake!

Although the insult is marvellous it lacks conviction.

ROMEO; Sorry I missed you guys last night, but I was otherwise engaged.

He giggles at the word 'engaged'.

ROMEO; Did ya miss me?

MERCUTIO; I was mildly concerned that you would get run over by a car and cause a dent in someone else's vehicle.

ROMEO; Yeah, that sounds like something I would do…I really should look before crossing the road.

Mercutio and Romeo embark on a long punversation, which I'm not gonna lie, is pretty riveting. Oh puns, how I love them so……..

ROMEO; O single-soled jest, solely singular for the singleness!

MERCUTIO; Great use of alliteration my friend. Well done. Isn't it better to be happy than groaning over love?

Enter Nurse and her man, Peter.

MERCUTIO; Good Peter, to hide her face. For her fan's the fairer face.

Words cannot describe my love for this man. The Nurse seems to like him too. If only she were fifty years younger……Now THAT would be a love story worth reading.

NURSE; You look far better than last night Romeo son of Montague. Rugged, chiselled, and with moustache!

Mercutio doubles over laughing.

MERCUTIO; I fear you are mistaken. I am Mercutio a kinsman of Prince Escalus.

Romeo flutters forward.

ROMEO; I am Romeo! Cower before me feeble old lady!

The Nurse bitch-slaps him.

ROMEO; Owww!

MERCUTIO; Damn! If she wasn't so old I'd take her, here and now….

NURSE; I knew it was too good to be true! Alas, my lady has chosen to spend her life with a buffoon!

MERCUTIO; A simpering buffoon. Farewell, ancient lady. Farewell!

Exeunt Mercutio and Benvolio. Romeo nurses his red cheek, while trying not to cry.

NURSE; At least tell me that you love her dearly and would never in a thousand years break her already fragile heart?

ROMEO; I love her, she is my world. I will cherish her forever. Tell her to meet me at Friar Lawrence's cell this afternoon where we will be married.

The Nurse actually believes him.

ROMEO; Farewell Nurse!

NURSE; Farewell!

Exeunt.

Scene 5

Juliet is busy scouring her bedroom for her stash, which the Nurse has cleverly hidden.

JULIET; Now if I were brain damaging drugs where would I be?

The Nurse returns.

JULIET; What did he say? What did he say?!

NURSE; Heeeeeeeee aaaaaassssssssskkkkeeedddddd mmeeee ttttttoooooo tttttteeelllll-

Four hours later.

JULIET; YAY! I'm getting married in twenty minutes.

NURSE; My lady, for the last time; are you certain you wouldn't rather marry Count Paris who will nurture and love you dearly until the day you die?

Juliet spies something in the Nurses blouse.

JULIET; My stash!

And with that, she tackles the Nurse to the bed to reclaim her illegal substances.

Scene 6

FRIAR LAWRENCE; So are you ready to get married? This is your last chance to back out.

ROMEO; Don't worry Friar, I've got a plan up my sleeve….

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Being?

ROMEO; Well, when Judith and I are about to say 'I do' Mercutio will barge in, kick her out of the way and we will kiss passionately while you sprinkle flowers on us from over head.

He sighs dreamily.

FRIAR LAWRENCE; That…that has got to be the most elaborate dreamt up fantasy that I have ever heard. You're deluding yourself my son. You're only hearing what you want to hear.

ROMEO; Oh thanks! I thought these pants made me look fat but if you say otherwise…

The cell door opens.

ROMEO; It's Mercutio! He's come early!

His smile falters as Juliet enters.

ROMEO; Oh…it's you.

Juliet having inhaled/eaten/injected the remainder of her stash, fails to notice his tone.

JULIET; My love! What a glorious day for a marriage!

ROMEO; Yeah…I guess…

FRIAR LAWRENCE; Okay folks, lets get this show, meaning freak show on the road.

He goes through the vows and Romeo keeps stealing hopeful glances at the door.

ROMEO; Any minute now…

Then thinking in his head; 'Nobody could love Mercutio more than I do'.

JULIET; I do!

ROMEO; No! I do!

Romeo looks smug for about half a second before the awful realisation hits him.

ROMEO; Shit! I just got married.

Hope y'all liked it! Please read&review!=)