Hobbiton, Bag End, 2941

A week later, Elmyra stood outside Bag End waiting for Gandalf to arrive. She was happy and content. Her "Hobbit Holiday" had been everything that Borys had said it would be and then some. The food had been sublime (It was a good thing the EverCleanClothes expanded to fit she thought sadly. How could digital food make you fat or keep you alive for that matter?) The hobbits were more than friendly and the Shire as beautiful as expected. She was sorry this was the last day, but she knew she would most likely return again for another vacation. She had a new favorite destination!

She settled into the garden, a little ways away from the round green door. Bilbo was out front on his little bench, smoking. He appeared to be completely unaware of the woman not ten feet away. Elmyra had learned that if she made no advances on the locals, they did indeed ignore her.

In due time, the guests arrived. Elmyra noticed that the book was using the classic depictions of the dwarves from movies rather than text. It had been that way all week. Sometimes the movies ruled, sometimes the book. It didn't matter, she knew them all by heart. The dinner was wildly out of control. The dwarves were loud, filthy mouthed, reckless with Bilbo's possessions and consumed all the food down to the last crumb. Everything they were meant to be. Elmyra again hung out around the edges, observing rather than participating. She had always been a skilled wallflower. Part of her regretted not getting more involved, but it was too late to rewrite the week now.

Halfway through dinner she felt a vibration in her pocket. She pulled out the Device, unrolled it and saw that the 'Home' button was green. Oh well, she had known it was coming. She still had plenty of time to hear the dwarves sing after they ate.

All too soon, everyone was settling in for the night and Elmyra went outside to take one last look around Bilbo's garden. Gandalf was smoking on the bench. 'Did you enjoy your evening, miss?' he asked to her surprise. She had been working on being invisible again.

'Why, yes, yes I did very much. I didn't think anyone noticed me.' Elmyra couldn't stop blushing. She must have seemed so rude.

'Well, most of them did not I am sure,' he assured her, 'but Thorin and I are more observant than most. He wondered why you did not introduce yourself. I think you would have enjoyed it a bit more if you had gotten to know the Company better.'

Elmyra sort of wished that now herself. 'I'm never very good in new situations and I didn't want to be a bother.'

'No bother, no bother,' mused Gandalf. 'Here try this pipe weed. It is a most excellent cut of Old Toby.' He passed her his pipe.

'I don't smok..' she started to say and then thought 'seriously you are going to pass on the opportunity to smoke with the great Gandalf himself? Not on your life, chicken girl.' She reached out and took the pipe. 'I have no idea how this works.'

'Just inhale, not too much, not too little and then blow it out gently.' Gandalf had corrupted more than a few innocents in his day. He knew the drill.

Elmyra did as he said and managed not to choke to death on the unfamiliar taste. A little cloud of smoke exited her lips.

Gandalf pulled out another pipe for himself and watched her efforts. 'Not bad. When you have the little clouds down consistently, put your tongue in the center of your mouth and try blowing the smoke out around it. A few minutes and many puffs later, Elmyra blew out a passable smoke ring. 'Excellent! You are a fast learner. We could use someone like you on our journey. Are you coming with us?'

'No, I'm down to my last few hours. I really should go now so that I am asleep in time.' She took a quick peek at the Device. It showed six hours forty minutes remaining on her vacation.

'Too bad. I think it would have been good for you. You limit yourself too much these days.'

Elmyra stared at the wizard. 'You don't even know my name, how can you think that about me? I do plenty of things. Plenty.' Even as she said the words, she knew she lied to herself. Work work work was what she did.

'I know more than you expect, Elmyra Pundur. However did you come by a name like that? It all but screams dwarf!' the wizard chuckled.

Elmyra decided not to ask what that meant or even comment. She took in another draw of smoke and blew a perfect smoke ring. Gandalf shot a dragon cloud through it before it could escape. 'Too late now. I have to go home.'

'It is never too late,' said Gandalf.

….

Elmyra spent the next three hours companionably with Gandalf and the pipe weed. She would never smoke again, she thought, but it had been one of the highlights of a great vacation. Finding a spot to sleep in Bilbo's hole was a bit of a challenge so she finally settled into the pantry against a huge sack of flour. It must be one of the few edibles left in Bag End. Downing her pill, she made sure she had her bag firmly strapped to her back. It was a little uncomfortable, but she didn't want to lose it. The Device was securely in her pocket. Her eyes slowly closed and she slept.

…..

Pain. Not just pain, agony. The next thing Elmyra knew, her head was exploding in pain. She could tell she was sitting up but she seemed to be rocking at the same time. She tried to raise her hands to her head, but she couldn't move them. She slowly pried her eyes open. Sunlight hit them and the pain increased. She hadn't thought that was possible. She closed them briefly and then opened them again. It was a bit better. She registered the sight of her hands bound in rope. She focused. Bound with rope to a saddle pommel? Rope? Saddle? Her brain fog cleared enough for her to realize THIS IS COMPLETELY WRONG! Where was her nice soft bed or even the flour sack?

Now that her eyes were open, there was only one thing she could do. She vomited on the pony she was riding. A loud voice boomed out beside her, 'Look out boys, she's exploding!' Elmyra dragged her eyes off the pommel long enough to register Dwalin next to her, his hand on her shoulder keeping her upright on the pony. If looks could kill, Dwalin son of Fundin would have died twenty horrible deaths in two seconds. She turned her head to follow her eyes and vomited in his direction. He yanked his hand away, but not before she scored a direct hit. Point goes to Elmyra she thought, a very minor consolation given the pain she was in.

With the hand gone, she began to list to the side. Another hand shot out on her other side to steady her. 'Dwalin, you are ever the gentleman', said a sarcastic voice. 'Untie her hands so that she can sit up correctly.' Elmyra recognized Balin's voice. She didn't turn in his direction, preferring to save any more retching for his horrible brother. A knife appeared and her hands were free just in time for her to fall off the pony in another round of sickness.

The evil voice of Dwalin taunted, 'If you can't hold your liquor, you should not drink so much. What a sorry addition to our group you are and we've only started. Maybe we should have left you in the pantry.'

Elmyra put her hand to her neck and activated a dose of her analgesic supply implanted there. The relief was immediate. The migraine-like pain retreated. Touching the other side of her neck, her stomach also calmed down. Thank goodness she had remembered to refill her pain killer supply before she left. 'I did not drink anything but water. The rules for the Device said not to,' she protested.

'OOO, the rules! Listen to her, following the rules. How did you get to be a burglar if you follow the rules?' Dwalin couldn't seem to leave her alone. Maybe it was revenge for the vomit.

The rest of the company had stopped to watch the little drama play out. 'Give her this and get her back on her pony, we cannot be wasting time.' A water skin appeared from above. Elmyra reached up gratefully and saw Thorin Oakenshield scowling down at her.

She rinsed out her mouth and stood up. 'I have no intention of going anywhere. Why am I here? I'm supposed to be home. I didn't pay for an extension and I won't be responsible for any extra charges!' She turned to look back the way she guessed they had come from and started to retrace her steps.

'Oh no you don't ,' Balin said. 'I have the contract right here, second burglar. You signed it, you'll be coming with us regrets or no.' His voice was very firm and no nonsense.

Elmyra stared at him. 'What are you talking about? What contract? I didn't sign anything.'

In response, Balin dragged out a lengthy piece of paper, just as he had done for Bilbo the night before. 'Right here. Elmyra Pundur. In triplicate.' He waved it under her nose. She grabbed it and stared. It was blank.

'There's absolutely nothing there, you dwarf! It's blank!' She looked again just to be sure. Blank.

Balin gathered the cumbersome document back up and looked for himself. 'I am afraid, Thorin, that our second burglar has vision problems.' He handed it to Thorin who examined it and then peered at Elmyra.

'I see three signatures here, burglar. You are with us for the duration. Dwalin, get her on that pony and let's move out.' He kicked his pony into motion and started the column moving again.

Elmyra was hyperventilating now. I will not panic, I will not panic she kept saying over and over to herself. She tore the Device out of her pocket, stiffened it and stared at the screen. 'Riding the Ponies', in what she used to think of as a cheerful green, now screamed out at her in menacing green. It was followed by 'Troubled by Trolls' and a seemingly endless list of equally dangerous activities. I will not panic, I will not panic. I will not panic, I will not panic. I will not panic, I will not panic . I will not panic, I will not panic. She panicked and started screaming.

Don't you hate it when a nice vacation falls apart at the end? Thoughts please!