Grasp the Nettle

Warning: set in the near future of TDKWWS.

Redhood01: Lily sees the memory of Severus dying in the Pensieve. Flinches every time she sees the snake strikes his neck. She then proceeds to hug the heck out of him during a meeting at the park. It happens during the summer after their school year with the boggart and Demitri as Hogwarts's defense professor. So it's in the Rubble Flowers universe.

-o-O-o-

"Did you get lost?"

Lily jolts as if electrocuted. She turns around to see Sage standing in the doorway of Severus's room. She does her best not to look guilty under the teenager's flinty gaze. Fiddling with her hair sheepishly, she admits, "I got a bit distracted." Her eyes slide back to the Pensieve sitting on Severus's desk. Her stomach rolls as she recalls what she saw. Musingly, she remarks, "I've never seen a Pensieve in person before."

The boy frowns as if he knows. Severus would have told her if he is teaching him legilimency, though, wouldn't he? ('Maybe not,' a small voice in the back of her mind whispers. 'He never told you the full truth about this.') "Uh-huh," Sage replies. Then, with a bossy tone, he tells her, "You shouldn't get too close. Severus says he has the real and fake memory of his mother finding his father's body in there; neither is pleasant according to him."

She takes a large step away from the Pensieve to humor him. Pretending as if she believes Sage, and doesn't know the truth, she asks, "Doesn't he worry about his mother coming across it? Keeping it out on his desk in the open like this…"

Sage shakes his head. "It's usually not," he replies. Confusion furrowing his brows, he mutters, "I don't know why he has it out here now."

Lily reckons she could hazard a guess, but she's not going to share it with the teen in front of her. Reaching down onto the desk chair where she put the book she'd offered to grab for Severus after she went to the loo, she picks it up and holds it out for Sage to see. "I guess as long as he doesn't usually leave it out." Then, cheerily, she says, "Anyway, here's that book Sev wanted! Shall we go?"

Expression still suspicious, Sage steps aside to let her pass him. "Yes, before Severus comes looking for us himself."

-o-O-o-

Lily wakes up hair and jimjams damp with sweat and her sheets twisted around her. Unbidden, her fingers go to her throat. She traces the hollows at the base of it and remembers the way Severus's throat became one giant, crimson hole after Nagini tore into it. She takes a stuttering breath as him falling to the ground to bleed out fills her mind's eye. Merlin. How could Severus even bear to look at Slytherin's crest after a death like that?

Stifling a sob with the palms of her hands, Lily begins an unspoken mantra in her mind. He's fine, he's fine, he's fine, he'sfine, he'sfinehe'sfinehe'sfine–

"Lily?"

She whips her head to the side to see Petunia. Her sister is propped on one elbow in her own bed, eyes drooping tiredly. "Yes?"

The teenager yawns into her shoulder before she asks, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine!" Lily quickly assures her sister. "It was just a nightmare," she lies.

Petunia blinks a couple of times, concern forming a canyon between her brows. "Do you want to go to the kitchen for some milk and biscuits?"

She shakes her head. "No, thank you." Lily attempts to smile, even though it is the last thing she wants to do for multiple reasons. "You don't want to have dark circles under your eyes when you see James tomorrow on your… date." It still feels so strange to say the word, even now, after the two have been dating for so long. Lily reckons she'll always feel a little uncomfortable about her sister and James. Her and James may have never dated here, but Lily still remembers and feels at times like she's got to be careful with them so she doesn't step on any toes in their relationship.

"A bit of panstik will fix that problem right up tomorrow, you know."

She sighs and settles back down under her covers. "It wasn't that bad. I'm fine."

Petunia lays back down too. "You could have fooled me. After all, this is just the third time you've woken me up with a nightmare in the past two nights."

Lily lifts her head and starts, "'Tuney…"

Her sister rolls onto her side, presenting Lily with her back.

Dropping her head back to her pillow in frustration, Lily crosses her arms over her chest and begins to count racing brooms until she falls asleep once more.

(Hopefully for the last time tonight too).

-o-O-o-

It takes the better part of a week and nights of uneasy sleep, but Lily finally figures out why it is the nightmares won't go away. It's because even during the day she can't forget. She feels so guilty. Guilty about looking at the memory in the first place (she had no right, yet she'd been so curious), guilty about how she never knew just how terrible Severus's death had been, guilty she ever thought he might have been lying to her about dying for Harry.

The only way she can see overcoming her guilt is by apologizing. Lily hates that she will have to tell Severus she violated his trust so profoundly, but she wants to be able to sleep through the night again. Lily also wants to convey to him just how sorry she is about not only betraying him, but about the way he died. Putting all her Gryffindor courage to work, Lily writes a letter to Severus.

Dear Severus,

I know you might be busy, but I would very much like to meet up with you as soon as possible…

-O-

A day after sending her letter to Severus, Lily awaits his arrival in the park they used to spend so much time in as real children and while they were eleven again waiting for their first year at Hogwarts to start. Swaying on a swing, Lily contemplates the best way to start the conversation with Severus about what she did.

"Severus, you know how when I was visiting you at your house and I went to get that book from your room?"

"I have to tell you about something I did when I visited you last."

"I saw your memory of your death."

She frowns and kicks harshly at the ground in front of her. However gently (or not gently) she starts this won't change anything in the end. Severus is going to be upset no matter what she says. Rightfully so. Lily sighs. Tossing back her head, she presses the heels of her hands to her eyes and does her best not to cry. Why did she have to do something so daft? She knows just how private Severus is. Perhaps better than most, even. Lily hopes he doesn't hate her for what she did…

"Lily, are you alright?"

She almost tumbles right out of the swing. It's only Severus's strong grip on her knee that stops her from falling backward and to the dirt ground beneath her. When she's steady again, the swing's chains in a death-grip, she says, "Thanks. I'm fine."

Severus scoffs. Lily doesn't blame him for not believing her. She pushes aside all her previously thought of openers to the coming conversation and tells Severus, "I love you."

His lip quirks with a bemused smile. She wonders if he thinks this is going to lead to some sort of romantic surprise date or snogging session. If only. "And I you."

Hunching in on herself, Lily whispers, "But even though I do, it didn't stop me."

"Lily–"

She puts up her hand. "Let me finish. This is important."

Severus's expression turns to unease, but he listens to her and keeps his mouth still.

"I love you and I should have known better, but I still did it. I guess I didn't think whatever you had in there would be that bad…"

He's paling rapidly as if he knows exactly what she's saying. Severus probably does. He's so clever. Far too clever, even. His years as a spy appear to have turned his already sharp mind into an arrow tip capable of piercing right through vaguity and roundaboutness to the actual issue in as few words as possible. Yet, despite what he knows, he stays quiet.

"But it was. It was so terrible and–" Lily stops short, tears burning in the corners of her eyes.

Quietly, dangerously, Severus hisses, "You had no right."

She hangs her head guiltily. "I know."

Severus doesn't say anything for a moment, though, out of the corner of her eye Lily can see him fidgeting with his wand. Finally, he asks, "Why?"

"It's stupid," admits Lily, "I wasn't thinking. I saw and I was curious and– It's like I said. Stupid."

There's a pause between them. Severus takes a seat on the swing beside her. "If you weren't you," he says, "And there was no one I would have to explain myself to, I'd obliviate a lot more than just the memory from your head right now."

Lily nods, her heart beating at a rapid tempo against her ribs. She believes him. Severus has more than proven to her over the years he's an expert at such things. "For what it's worth, I am sorry." She looks at him out of the corner of her eye. "And not just for looking at the memory."

He clears his throat and mutters, "It's fine."

"It's not, though," insists Lily. "You don't have to pretend it is."

Severus doesn't say anything. Lily tries to read his face, see if there is a tell she can read there to get a sense of his true feelings, but its blank. Dead, even. He has shut her out. She starts to drum her fingers along her knees. Perhaps Severus hasn't retreated too far into himself yet. Lily knows of one way to find out for certain.

She gets to her feet and opens her arms to him. "You don't have to say yes, but can I hug you?"

His expression flickers and then settles back into its mask of impassivity. Lily starts to let her arms fall, reading Severus's reaction as a no. However, he surprised her seconds later when he raises his arms and holds them out to her. Without hesitation, Lily dives in and grabs onto Severus as tight as she can. After a moment, he returns the embrace. Where she hugs hard, he hugs softly. It's a common theme with them, Lily realizes. She thinks of Severus as this strong, indestructible knight while he sees her as this fragile princess in need of protection.

That's going to have to change.

For now, though, she just wants Severus to know she's sorry and she's got him for once.

I took a couple liberties with your prompt, but I think it turned out alright! No Redhood01?

Thank you a million for reading!

12/26/17